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It had been nearly five years since he'd last spoken to Dave. John
still thought about him, more often than he'd like to admit. He
considered that it was normal, to think about his old friend that
much; after all, they had been lovers. He had been John's first and
only male lover. John's first and only lots-of-everythings.

He'd also been the first and only person John had ever loved..

It had been warm when they'd said goodbye, he could remember. They'd
gone to the lake at Gamma's mansion before Dave's flight, fooling
around in the water like always, ending up making love on the grass
nearby. It was the last time they'd ever make love.

He wondered if they could've made it work. He knew they'd both tried,
but it had just been too hard to stay together living thousands of
miles apart. But maybe they should've tried harder. Maybe John
should've tried harder.. but hadn't he? Hadn't it been Dave who'd
initiated it??

"This isn't working, is it?" Dave had asked, during one of their long
stretches of awkward pauses. They'd been having them more and more
often during their phone conversations. "I mean, you know.. us."

Not working? John hadn't even wanted Dave to go to Grenada in the
first place. But Dave insisted on it, the only school he'd gotten into
after applying to several. Why would he want to go there? It was a
party school, it was a last-resort school. It was miles and miles
away. Why there?? Why there when John could easily get him into any
school he wanted by pulling a few strings? Because he wanted to do
something on his own, for once, Dave had replied. He couldn't rely on
John all the time.

Why not, is what John had wanted to know. Maybe then, they wouldn't be
in this mess.

"What do you mean?" John had asked in response, his heart pounding in
his chest. Was Dave really saying that? "It's only been a couple of
months.. "

"John.. "

"We could try for a little longer," he offered, hearing the
desperation in his own voice.

"How much longer? A few more months?" he asked. "We're just going to
be saying the same things over and over again.. "

There was another long silence. John could hear something, but he
didn't recognize it right away. Then he did. Dave was crying.

"John, I love you but this is too hard," he said, his voice hitching.
"I miss you too much."

"I love you too, Dave. I miss you too. Isn't that enough?"

"I'm going to be here at least another three years," he replied. "I
can't do this for three more years."

"What is wrong with you??" he nearly snapped, scared and confused, and
most of all hurt. "Have you met someone else?"

"No!" Dave exclaimed, and then paused. "Don't you get it?? Every time
I talk to you, it fucking kills me, John. I can't take it, not for
three more years. Can't we just.. "

"Not talk to each other for three fucking years??"

There was another pause. "Yeah."

It was like a slap in the face. It was worse. It was like a mortal
wound. He wanted to die. "Fuck you, Dave. Take three years. Take all
the time you want."

It had taken John nearly that long to be able to function like a
normal human being again, let alone get over him. But he had, slowly
but surely.. right? Yes, he was sure there was always going to be a
part of him that loved Dave, but he couldn't possibly still be in love
with him, like the way he had been.




To be continued..
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