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John and Luka finished their Monday shifts and went home. Only Kerry
was made privy to the threat hanging over their heads. Both men told
her they'd work overtime, knowing they would need additional time off
in the future. None of them wanted to think about the need to take
extended leave, let alone, leave County.

Travelling home on the 'El, John and Luka said nothing, each occupied
with his own thoughts. John went to the kitchen to prepare their
evening drinks while Luka went to the bathroom.

"Alright, Sascha. I know you're worried about something, and I know
it's serious. You've spent most of today with your arms wrapped
around yourself, chewing your thumbnail to the quick." They were in
bed. The lights were off. A soft glow from the street lamps
illuminated the room.

Luka smiled sadly. "For this to work, I've got to tell the truth.
Tell everything to Phillipa so she can make thorough preparations,
no?" John nodded. Luka's use of the spoken question mark now only
happened when he was nervous or really worried about something. "This
accusation is false, but I *have* killed people."

"Do you want to talk about it?" John put his arms around his husband
and his head on Luka's shoulder.

"No, but I'm going to anyway. Some months after I came to County, I
started hanging out with Abby."

"I remember. I was jealous as hell." John smiled wryly.

"Well, nothing happened." *

"I know that too. It's the only reason she's still got all of her
limbs."

"Early one morning, I was walking her home and this guy tried to grab
her purse. I think I had a flashback or something, because the next
thing I remember, she was pulling me off the man. I'd been beating
his head into the sidewalk. He was taken to County, they worked on
him for a while then he died. The police questioned me, and we both
lied about the danger we were in and the ferocity of his attack.
That's when I started seeing a therapist. I'm sorry I never told you
before, Janaskja."

"But no formal charges were made."

"At the time. But now, I'm going to have to tell the whole story to
Phillipa. There is a police file on the case, with my name in it. I
have to assume the Justice Department will see it and want to
investigate."

"I was luckier." John said in a low voice. There was no way he could
let Luka believe himself to be alone in carrying this kind of
guilt. "There was no police report about the man I murdered." John
said quietly. He'd been dreading this moment.

"*You've* killed someone? I don't believe it. I mean, we all lose
patients..." Luka sat up and looked at John who slowly shook his head.

"It was a patient, but it wasn't an accident. That's what made it so
terrible. I broke my oath. I used my power as a physician to
deliberately kill someone."

"In God's name, what happened?"

"He'd been shot, while attempting to rape an elderly woman. The
police believed he'd done this at least three times before. The
security guard who shot him was killed by the alleged rapist. Dr. del
Amico and I treated the suspect. While we were attempting to ease the
pressure from his P-cT, I realized that with one slip of the scalpel he'd be gone. I
nicked his heart and he bled all over the floor. We were down to our
last three units of blood. So I auto-transfused, rather than use
blood which could have saved an innocent person for someone I
believed didn't deserve to live. Needless to say, his blood volume
was not not high enough and he died on the operating table. I often
thought what happened to Lucy and me was God's punishment for my pre-
empting His judgement."

"Merciful Savior." Luka breathed.

"Exactly. I guess God *has* forgiven me a little, because he sent you
to me. I'm still working on forgiving myself." John sighed. "You
know, not a day goes by when I don't think about what I did. I've
talked to my therapist and confessed to my priest. I received penance
and I've been absolved. I know I'll never do anything like that ever
again, but nothing can undo what I did."

"What penance?" Luka was finding this hard to believe.

"The Novena: twice daily for the rest of my life. The only days I've
missed were right after I was stabbed. They didn't let me have a
rosary in ICU so I prayed from memory. It's also why I've been so
reluctant to take money from my family." John explained in a low
voice.

"But I've never seen you..." Luka objected.

"I'm not proud of what I did. I didn't *want* you to see me. I
usually get the first one in while you're asleep. I pray the second
one at work on my meal break, most times in the Chapel. I've tried to
work up the courage to tell you what I did, but I loved you too much
and, more honestly... I valued your opinion of me too highly. You
told me I could never disappoint you and, God help me, I lied to keep
your love. I told you I wasn't harboring anymore secrets. That wasn't
true. What you did to that would-be mugger was bad, but it resulted
from your past. I have no such excuse. Nothing that my grandfather
did, or my family didn't do, can ever justify my killing that man. I
was arrogant and proud and he paid the price for my sins." John was
crying silently.

Luka took John into his arms and held him gently. "What I said then,
is *still* true. I am not disappointed in you, Janaskja. I love as
much, if not more than ever. You *told* me you were human. If every
physician who has played God as you did were to publicly confess,
most of us would be behind bars. Please, forgive yourself, beloved.
You made a terrible mistake and you are a better person for it. Don't
cry anymore. I love you too much to see you in pain like this."

"Don't say that unless you really mean it, Luka. You're too good a
person to have done what I did. I hate that foolish immature idiot
who took the law into his own hands. You should have seen how Dr. del
Amico looked at me when I did it... *She* knew it wasn't an accident.
Believe me, I'll understand if you are angry and disappointed with me
for lying to you. I'll also understand if your feelings toward me
change."

"Janaskja, I haven't been blinded by my love for you. I was watching
as you worked so hard to be a better person and now I understand what
was driving you. The young man who succumbed to temptation is gone.
Although I could have loved him very much, I love the man he's become
even more. If we have to wait until we are perfect before we can
deserve the love of others, we'd all be spending our lives alone. The
God who loves us, is a god of second chances, even thirds. We were
commanded to forgive seventy times seven, don't you think our perfect
God forgives even more?" Luka pointed out as he stroked John's hair.

"For most of your life, you were told you *were* a disappointment, a
failure. That you found it hard to tell me something bad about
yourself is only natural. That evil old man may not have scarred your
body, but he certainly wounded your soul. I'm not excusing what you
did. I can't; anymore than I can excuse what *I* did. But I *do*
understand why you didn't tell me and I'm telling you it's okay."

"You don't hate me?" John whispered.

"No. I *couldn't.* Not now. Not ever. I never believed you were
perfect, only that you were perfect for me." Luka's eyes were wet
now. "If I live to be a million years old, I could never love you
more than I do at this moment. You could have let me confess and said
nothing. Don't you think I realize how much courage it took for you
to tell me about this?" He kissed John on the forehead then held him
closely.

"Thank you, Luka. You can't know how scared I was to tell you.
Nothing Hell has to offer could be worse than losing your love." John
said in a broken voice.

"From now on, I'll join you in your penance. For better or for worse,
remember?"

"Yes." John lay back against his pillows. "You said you'd
killed 'people', I take it that means you've killed more than once?"

"Yes. There was one other man, in Croatia. It was an accident, but
he's dead just the same." Luka said flatly. He prayed that no matter
what happened, he could somehow convince John once and for all that
he deserved to be loved.

* * * * *

Although Kerry Weaver was the only one who knew the specifics of the
impending proceedings, everyone had heard that the INS had paid a
call on Luka. Rumors were flying; ranging from the mundane to the
preposterous. John and Luka said nothing when asked what was going
on. Their joint silence added fuel to the gossip machine. Kerry
called a meeting with County's Administrator, its lawyer, Philippa
Taylor, Dr. Romano, John, and Luka. Something had to be done before
the press got wind of what was going on.

A week later, the parties assembled in a conference room. Philippa
briefly outlined the problem and stated for the record her complete
confidence in her client's innocence. For the first time, she
revealed what Luka had been able to remember about the relevant time.
On the days leading up to, during, and following the massacre, Luka
had been flat on his back in a hospital over 100 kilometers away from
L*****e. She told them that he remembered very little of his time
there because he'd been extremely ill. Philippa brought her short
presentation to a close by saying the search for corroborative
witnesses to Luka's true whereabouts was underway.

The hospital attorney nodded. "If asked, can we release the alibi to
the press?"

"I'd prefer that you didn't." Philippa replied. "But, I know you are
equally eager to make sure your institution is not accused of
harboring a war criminal. If you feel there is no other way to make
this clear to reporters, you may mention the alibi. I have prepared a
draft statement you can use in a press release should it come to
that. It emphasizes that Dr. Kovac is cooperating fully with the
Justice Department and is confident that his name will be cleared."
She handed over a folder containing the draft.

"Thank you for taking the time to brief us on this matter, Ms.
Taylor." Dr. Romano was unusually well-mannered. As Chief of Staff, I
would like to be kept current with all developments. This hospital
will stand by its employee while making it possible for him to
continue cooperating with you and the Justice Department."

Kerry blinked her eyes. At best, she'd been expecting the short-
tempered surgeon to be making sarcastic witticisms at Luka's expense.
At worst, she was fully prepared to protest Luka's being placed on
administrative leave pending a resolution of his case. What she
didn't know was that at John's suggestion, Luka had gone to see
Romano at his home and told him everything he could remember of the
events following the death of his family up until he reached the
United States. By the simple means of looking up Romano's family
in "Who's Who", John had discovered their Chief came from a military
background.**

"He should be better able than most to understand what it was like,
Sascha. This is going to be bad enough without Rocket putting his
withering two cents worth into the mix at every given opportunity. Co-
opt, the guy. Tell him everything you told me. I think he'll
appreciate the advance warning." John's suggestion had been a good
one. While Luka explained things to the Chief of Staff, John had
amused himself by playing with Gretel. Although he didn't know it at
the time, Gretel's reaction to the couple put Romano on their side.
Her owner had even suggested names of US military commanders who
could help Philippa organize her search for witnesses.

John smiled at Kerry's look of surprise and felt Luka squeeze his
hand under the table.

"What about the other matter?", the Administrator asked.

"Excuse me?" Philippa was confused. "To what matter are you
referring?"

"Two years ago, this hospital was inundated with press inquiries
about Dr. Kovac and Dr. Carter's relationship. If this latest problem
gets into the media, we should be prepared to cope with it."

"How did you deal with it before?" Philippa asked.

"We didn't." Kerry spoke up. Cooke County law recognizes the right of
gays, lesbians, transgendered, and bisexual individuals to be
employed by its government and adjunct institutions. Our own HR
department policies mirror this. It's a non-issue." ***

"Nevertheless, a continuing string of 'No comments' will begin to
look as if we are ..."

"... protecting the privacy of two valued employees." The hospital's
attorney broke in. "If prurient interest on the part of the press
begins to annoy you Jonathan, refer all of the little weasels to me.
I'm sure I can make it plain to them that we are simply upholding
County law by not catering to their gutter imaginations."

The Administrator nodded. He was uncomfortable with this issue and
would be more than willing to have someone else take the heat.

"Dr. Weaver? What are you going to tell your staff?" Romano wanted to
know.

"The truth. Dr. Kovac is cooperating with the Justice Department in
its inquiry into events which took place before he came to the United
States. If this doesn't quash the worst of the gossips, I'll mention
the inquiry is in regard to alleged war crimes and we are confident
that Dr. Kovac's name will be cleared."

"I see. Thank you. Well, if there are no further questions?..."
Rocket glared at the Administrator who pretended not to
notice. "We've all got more important things to do. We're adjourned."
Romano left the room without looking back. The others did not take
too long before following his example.

"Are you guys OK?" Kerry asked as they rode back down to the ER.

"As well as can be expected, Dr. Weaver." Luka replied. "I'll be very
glad when all of this is over."

"Me too." John nodded.

"So it's unanimous. Well, I might as well brief the troops. Why don't
the two of you cover the desk. You've already heard all I plan to
say."

"It will be a pleasure, Doctor."

Author's Note:

* Hey folks, for the purposes of this story, Luka's right. Nothing
did happen. I never really thought they made a good on-screen couple
anyway. Cathy Roberts and Scott J. Welles are doing a much better job
in "The Eternal Quadrangle" (big S-E Grin).

** Hey folks, this factoid came from Invicta's story "Hail to the
Chief".

*** If Cooke County law doesn't, it should. KPP
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