Although Luka could have easily made love to John again, he noticed
his lover's yawns and changed his mind.
"Why don't we get some sleep? The day was a rough one, no?"
John nodded drowsily and got up to turn down the bed. Luka removed
their wine glasses and the remains of the beverage. When he came back
to the bedroom, John was lying there, his eyes half closed. Luka got
into the bed and pulled up the sheet and blanket. John moved into his
arms, kissing him.
"Thank you for waiting for me to be ready. Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for everything." John sighed. "I've never been so happy."
He yawned. "Or so tired."
"Go to sleep, Janaskja. I love you with all of my heart." Luka
reached out and extinguished the lamp. John was already asleep.
* * * * *
Luka's extremely pleasant dream was interupted by John's cries for
help.
"Please, someone! She's bleeding and I can't stop it!"
Luka sat up and took John into his arms. "Wake-up, Janaskja. You are
having a bad dream. Shhh. I'm here with you, it's alright now."
John's eyes flew open, a look of terror distorting his features. "Oh
shit, I'm sorry. I guess we shouldn't sleep together, huh?"
"Don't worry about it. I have my own set of nightmares that wake me
and my next door neighbors. It's better to share them. You were
dreaming about Lucy?"
"Yes. It's like living it all over again: the blood, the smells, even
the sound of the party music coming under the door. John shivered
violently. "I wish I could stop having these dreams. Sometimes, I'll
go a whole month, and then they return, just as vivid as ever. It's
been over a year." John's voice was still shaky.
"It's been closer to four years for me, and yet, I still dream about
that awful afternoon. My therapist says it's survivor's guilt. I only
know, I'll be glad when I can be rid of it."
"You're seeing a therapist?" John was surprised.
"Yes. From time to time. I had to have someone I could discuss you
with." Luka kissed John on the top of his head. "You feel guilty too?"
"Not as much as before, but my sub-concious keeps right on and drags
me with it. If only I'd waited with her. If only I'd sent her
upstairs to see what was taking the Psych consult so long. If only..."
Luka laid down again, keeping John close in his arms. John could feel
the deep melodious voice against his own chest.
"It is the same with me. If only I hadn't left them. If only I'd come
home sooner. If only I'd taken them with me..."
"What happened that day, Luka?" John asked quietly. "Can you tell me
about it?"
"Of course. We were caught up in an unfortunate chain of events.
There were food shortages, but finally, some U.N. relief trucks got
through. I left my wife and daughters to go stand in the ration
lines. It took almost five hours to get one medium-sized sack of
powdered milk, bread, and tinned meat. I was coming up the street to
our apartment building when the bombs began to fall. I took shelter
in a doorway. All I could think about was not losing the food. It had
been two days since we'd eaten."
"Dear God." John whispered softly.
"The next wave of bombs struck my building. We lived three floors
from the roof. I saw bodies falling into the street and dropped the
food. When I got to the entrance, most of the front wall was gone.
Somehow, I made it up the stairs to our apartment. The door was still
there. I got it open and found the upper floors had crashed into our
rooms. My baby daughter, my Solje, had been killed in her crib by a
piece of masonry. I pray God she was asleep when it happened." Luka
paused, his throat was tight. John held him.
"My wife, Marije, and my older daughter Anja, had sustained severe
injuries. I had to choose which one I would treat. The damage was too
much for me to have tended them both. By a miracle, Marije was still
concious, although rapidly bleeding out. She told me to look after
the girls. I performed CPR on Anja, calling for help. There was no
one. She died without ever regaining conciousness. I remained with
them until someone came two days later." John touched Luka's face.
It was as wet as was his own.
"I'm so sorry. You must have been out of your mind with grief." John
tried to say something, anything that would ease Luka's pain. He felt
ashamed for making such heavy weather out of his own losses and tried
to apologize for this.
"No, Janaskja. Never try to quantify sorrow. Your brother, your
friend, Lucy... they meant as much to you as my family did to me. If
we try to decide who we love most, who we can afford to live without,
we become like the monsters who dropped those bombs. The love you
feel for your family and friends makes it easier to empathize with
and avoid causing pain to those you don't know. If I didn't love my
wife, then I wouldn't, now, be able to love you." Luka smiled in the
dark as John gently wiped his face.
"Listen to me, beloved. You will never have to apologize to me for
being sensitive or caring. My grandmother used to say that tears were
God's way of washing our souls. That you find it easy to cry, is one
of the things I love most about you.
"My grandfather used to hit me if I cried in front of him." John
murmured into Luka's neck.
"Then I feel sorry for him. To strike a child for crying is
unforgiveable. He'll wake up one day and find that no one will be
willing to shed tears for him. But I shouldn't criticize. He is part
of your family."
"Criticize all you like. It's not as if he'll ever think much of me."
John said bitterly. "He didn't even come to the hospital when I was
attacked."
"I know." Luka said simply. He couldn't believe anyone could be so
cold as to not love a child or want to comfort them when they were
hurt. Wrapping John tighter in his arms he closed his eyes and
silently vowed never to abandon this gentle heart that found it so
easy to care for and about others.
* * * * *
Habit woke John early. Luka was still fast asleep, curled on his
side. John lightly stroked the smooth back and was rewarded when Luka
woke, smiling. "Good morning Janaskja. You had a good rest?"
John grinned. "Yes, and you?"
"I heard a jet taking off in the living room, which circled for hours
in the hall, but otherwise..."
"Oh fuck. I forgot to mention that I snore."
"Oh, so that's what it was. I thought we had somehow moved closer to
O'Hare."
"It's that bad?" John was deeply mortified. So much for romantic
evenings snuggling together before falling asleep.
"No. I was teasing you. Remember, I used to watch you as you slept.
Apart from having to keep the chart from vibrating off the end of
your bed, the nurses thought it was most amusing." *
"Why did I have to fall in love with someone who's perfect." John
sighed, only half joking.
"Don't worry Janaska, neither of us had much to eat yesterday. Let's
just say I too am capable of making noises in my sleep. The bad part
is you will probably have to purchase a gas mask. The good part is
you can fire your exterminator. My landlord usually feeds me a couple
of meatball subs and backs my ass up to the nearest ventilator shaft.
The rats and roaches can't leave fast enough."
John fell over laughing. "I guess nobody's perfect." He said smiling.
"Nope. Although, you're the closest I've come to it in a long while."
Luka grinned. "I'm starved, is there anything in here to eat?"
"Follow me. Breakfast in 20 minutes." John scooted up the hall
wearing nothing but a happy look.
By the time Luka reached the kitchen, John had started the coffee and
was cutting up some fruit. Luka hugged him from behind and John
turned to face him. As Luka bent to kiss him, John arched away.
"What's wrong?"
"I haven't brushed my teeth."
"I know. I happen to like the way you taste." Luka kissed him deeply
savoring the smoky flavor of John's tongue.
"Uhmm, that was nice." John slowly came back to earth.
"Can I help you?"
"Sure. There's bread in the fridge. Why don't you make us some toast,
while I finish the fruit."
True to his word, their meal was ready in the time John stipulated.
Coffee, fresh fruit with dry muesli sprinkled on top, toast and
raspberry jam. In unspoken agreement, they took their plates and the
coffee pot back into the bedroom. Both men were famished and the food
disappeared quickly. They had begun to collect the dishes when there
was a knock at the door.
"Were you expecting anyone?" Luka asked.
"No." John grabbed his robe and went to see who it was. He opened the
door and was surprised to see Kerry standing there, gasping as if she
had just run a race.
"Damn, Carter. Couldn't you afford a building with an elevator?"
"Come in, Dr. Weaver. Is something wrong?"
"I was worried. You seemed kind of low when you left yesterday."
"Well I feel much better now. Actually, I was on my way out..."
"John, where on earth did you hide my backpack?" Luka called out.
"It's under the bed." Too late, John remembered Kerry's presence and
turned to face her blushing.
A slow grin lit up Kerry Weaver's delicate features. "I was going to
ask you for a cup of coffee, but I can see that you've better things
to do."
"Ahhh, Uhhm, geez Dr. Weaver." John's face was the color of bricks.
"Lighten up, Carter. I was the one who gave Luka the go ahead, didn't
he tell you?"
"Yeah. It's just I hadn't thought about telling anyone else yet."
"Of course not. Get to really know each other first. Just don't
forget, I'm invited to the wedding."
"What wedding?" Luka came into the room wearing another towel.
"Yours and John's." Kerry teased.
"Sounds good to me." Luka grinned.
"I think you'd better put your head between your knees, Dr. Carter."
Kerry observed John's look of total panic.
"I'll be fine. Excuse me." John ran out of the room. He made it to
the toilet just in time. Flushing, he bid farewell to at least half
of his breakfast. A few minutes later, Luka came in and sat on the
tub.
"Kerry's gone. Do you want to talk about it?"
"I need a cigarette." John avoided answering the question.
"They're in the kitchen. Come on John, I'm not angry. Merely curious."
"OK." John shuddered and retched once more. Luka got up and held him
as more of his breakfast went on it's way to Lake Michigan.
When his stomach finally settled, they headed for the bedroom. John
sat on the edge of the bed, his eyes on the floor. "I'm sorry, Luka.
It's all catching up to me. I know I told you I didn't care what my
family thinks and I don't. But at the same time, I know how they can
act when they are displeased. I know of at least two occasions when
my grandfather offered people money to dump me. I had a vision of us
lying in bed and the INS coming in to deport you. I guess I panicked."
"I see." Luka said slowly. "Then you're not ashamed for being in love
with me?"
"Oh God, no! I'd like nothing better than to issue those little
engraved announcement things telling everyone we're a couple. It's my
family I'm afraid of. I don't want them trying to mess this up." John
looked at Luka fearing the worst. Luka's grave expression did nothing
to reassure him.
"I have a citizenship hearing coming up in about six weeks." Luka was
thinking aloud. "At that time, I should be accepted. In another eight
months or so, I'll be a citizen of this country. Why don't we keep
our secret until then? After that, your family can do their worst. I
won't be going anywhere. Does this sound like a good idea?"
"Wonderful. Now, all we'll have to worry about is you getting fired."
John said bitterly.
Luka cupped John's chin in his right hand, smoothing back the soft
brown hair with his left. "Janaskja, I may leave County, but I'm
never leaving you. Besides, if they're so worried about their
reputation, that gives us an advantage. If they leave us alone, *we*
won't place our wedding announcement in Out magazine, or the Village
Voice, the Washington Blade, or be guests on In The Life..."
"You forgot Jerry Springer." John smiled ruefully.
"No. We're too tame for that show, unless I get you pregnant. But if
you keep losing breakfasts, we just might have a shot."
John giggled, then laughed aloud. "I was being silly, no?"
"You were concerned for me, yes."
Author's Notes:
* It' takes an observant writer like WPAdmirer to notice Mr. Wyle's
rather small nostrils and run with it. Thanks. KP
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