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All too soon, they'd reached John's building. The neighborhood had
seen better days, but enough of the original residents remained to
merit better than average police surveillance. There was even a
neighborhood improvement association, John explained.

When they got to John's apartment, Luka immediately went over to the
photographs on the bookcase. He picked up a large color shot of the
three Carter children. "This is your brother, no?"

John walked over to see. "Yes, with me and my sister. We were on our
summer vacation."

"He was very good looking." Luka returned the picture to its place.

"Better looking than I am."

"Don't be so negative, Carter. I believe you are also very handsome."
Luka smiled as his friend blushed to his hairline. "I am sure your
many girlfriends must have told you this."

"No. At least not recently. I'm not what I was."

"Rubbish. You've regained most of the weight you lost. You are
looking fine."

"Thanks. How do you like your coffee?" John hurried into the kitchen.

"In a cup." Luka called out as he removed his coat.

John scooped the Jamaican blend into the coffee machine and turned it
on. When he returned to the living room, Luka was still looking at
the photographs. "Who is this?"

"A former room-mate of mine, he was my best friend, actually." John
said quietly.

"Was? He moved away?"

"No, he died."

"I'm sorry." Luka replaced the photo. "This is a nice apartment.
Lot's of space. You should see the closet I'm living in. I can't wait
until I can get out of there."

John almost choked on his own saliva. Luka could have no idea how
much John wanted him to come out of his closet. Swallowing hard, he
went back into the kitchen to get their coffee. He hoped Luka would
sit down somewhere so he could find a nice safe, distant, seat of his
own. When he came back with the two mugs, he saw that he'd hoped in
vain. Sighing, he sat on the couch, purely out of habit. Needless to
say, Luka sat next to him.

"I've been meaning to thank you for taking the time to show me around
and helping me at work. This is the first place where I felt like a
full member of the team, even though I was only a temp when I
started."

"Don't mention it. It was no trouble." John wondered if he could find
some reason to go back to the kitchen and then take another seat
somewhere else, like Poughkeepsie.

Luka sipped his coffee as an awkward silence enveloped them. John
took a big swig of his own, and somehow managed to spill most of it
on his pants and shirt.

"Shit, that's hot!" He leaped up and raced into the kitchen. Luka
followed. John had stripped off his shirt and was putting it into the
sink when he heard a stifled laugh.

"I heard Chuny say that you were clumsy, but I didn't believe her."
Luka observed.

"Thanks alot." John's voice was tight. Why wouldn't the man leave?

"Go on and change your clothes. I'll make you another cup."

"That's OK. I don't really want any."

"Then what do you want?" Luka asked softly.

"Some privacy." John was painfully aware that the worst of his scars
was visible.

"They did a good job in the OR. A few more months and that should be
barely noticeable. I wish the surgeons who attended me had been as
good." Luka deliberately ignored John's request.

Without thinking John turned around. "You've had surgery?"

"Yes, in Croatia. A car bomb went off and the glass went everywhere.
Mostly through me. See?"
Luka lifted his sweater and shirt and twisted to the right. He had
not exaggerated. A large-sized irregular star-shaped pattern of
puckered skin showed where the surgeons had been at work. "It was
little better than a field hospital. Poor sanitation, hardly any
equipment, and fewer medicines."

"Was this before or after you lost your family?"


"I see you've heard about my past."

"I'm sorry. I asked Nurse Hathaway... Carol, I mean, I wanted to know
so I wouldn't say anything dumb. Too late, huh?"

"It's alright. I was wounded after they died. I was being stupid, and
almost got killed. In a way, nearly losing my life made me value it
again. I developed a post-operative infection and was in that
hospital for almost two months. I was one of the lucky ones. Most of
the patients didn't make it. Antibiotics were scarce. Because I was a
doctor, I received special consideration. Doctors were even scarcer."

John realized he was standing there in coffee-stained trousers and no
shirt. "Excuse me for a minute. He went into the bedroom to change.
While he was out of the room, Luka had started brewing a second pot
and had rinsed out John's shirt.

"You didn't have to do that."

"I didn't mind. You never answered my question."

"Huh?"

"What do you really want, Carter?"

John's resolve failed him. After Luka had been so open about his
past, there was no way a flippant remark could suffice. "I want my
old life back. I want Lucy running around, driving me nuts. I don't
want any more nightmares. I want to be trusted again. I hate feeling
like I'm under a microscope."

"What about companionship?"

"Are you joking, who'd want me now? A burned-out, cut-up drug addict?
I've seen the pitying looks, no thanks. Carters are supposed to
dispense charity; not receive it. I'll probably get a cat. As long as
it's fed, it won't care what I look like." John's voice was strained.
He had to find some way to get Luka out of there before he did
something to really embarass himself. There was nothing like the
truth, with a large dollop of emotional neediness, to make people
back off.

"I see. So I suppose if I did this..." Luka stepped over and kissed
Carter gently on the cheek. "You'd think I was feeling sorry for you."

"No, uhh, maybe. Why did you do that?" John's heart was hammering in
his chest.

"Because I didn't want to wait for you to work up the courage to kiss
me. Because, I've wanted you from the first moment I saw you. Because
I've loved you ever since that day we had lunch at Magoo's. Because I
think you are a beautiful human being in every sense of that word."

"How did you know?" John's voice was barely audible. His mind was
reeling, as his emotions went on a roller-coaster ride from the
depths of despair climbing through hopeful, wishful thinking, to the
brink of joyous belief.

"I asked Kerry Weaver. I did not want to embarass you by passing at
you."

"Actually, the phrase is 'making a pass'."

"Whatever."

"Wait a minute. I never discussed my sexuality with Dr. Weaver." John
and his guest sat down again on the couch.

"No you didn't. I asked her about you and she was very careful to
point out that she was guessing. It seems you left some unusual
videos in her machine a couple of times, and she pretended she hadn't
noticed. And then there's that endearing habit you have of talking in
your sleep. The heating vent was right above your bed and on certain
nights, she heard you declaring your love for 'Dennis'." Luka smiled
gently.

"Shit."

"Was she wrong?" Luka asked after John remained silent.

"No."

"Good." Luka leaned over and kissed John for the second time. A soft
chaste kiss on the lips. The sun had set and the room was dark. He
felt tears on John's face and once again wiped them away. "I have
surprised you, no?"

"Yes. It's... I thought you were... I figured you would never...".
The roller coaster containing John's feelings crested the rise and
flew off into the sunset.

"It's alright. I loved my wife and was faithful to her, but I
realized I was bisexual before we married."

"Oh. Have you ever...?"

Luka could feel the heat from John's blush. "Been with a man? Yes.
Have you?"

"No. I've been too scared. If my family had found out, they probably
would have thrown me to the wolves."

Luka's voice became thoughtful. "Then, I had better leave. I don't
want to do anything that will bring any more pain to your life, John
Carter. I mean that."

"Don't go, please? I don't care what my family thinks. They've
practically disinherited me already. Please stay." John tried to keep
the desperation from his voice. Why was it he always had to beg
people to love him?

"If you are sure."

"I'm certain. I've dreamed about this moment."

"I know." Luka laughed softly.

"How in the hell?"

"I told you, you talk in your sleep. I used to go up to your room
after your surgery while you slept. I heard you call my name too. It
was only a matter of time. I would have said something before, but
you went to Atlanta and I figured you didn't need any more
complications in your life. I don't know how I managed to keep from
intruding, but I thought it best to wait."

John moved into Luka's arms. "I'm not sorry you waited." He confessed
quietly. "I was pretty messed up. Confused, depressed... but not
anymore. I've pined after lovers, but I'd never taken the time to
analyze why I thought I was in love. With you, I took the time and
examined my feelings. Since I was convinced you couldn't love me,
there was no need to rush into anything."

"But I *do* love you."

"And I love you. I'll try not to be too clumsy."

"You're only clumsy when you're nervous." Luka chuckled. "Are you
nervous now?"

"Nope. Not a bit. Excited, happy, relieved, but not nervous."

"Good." Luka kissed John for the third time. Carter parted his lips
immediately, skillfully massaging Luka's tongue and lips with his
own. He opened his eyes to discover Luka looking right back at him.

"You don't close your eyes." John gasped when he caught his breath.

"Neither do you."

"I like to see what I'm doing."

"It's dark in here."

"So it is." John kissed Luka, softly at first, then more forcefully
as his arousal deepened.

"I think we should take this into the bathroom." Luka's voice was low
and husky. John shivered at the sound.

"Don't you mean the bedroom?"

"Eventually." Luka got up and turned on a lamp. "I find Americans are
very concerned with odors and smells. This is your first time, no?
So, we will take a nice long shower together. That way, neither you
nor I will be worried about cleanliness." Besides, I think you will
enjoy it."

John grinned. "It's down the hall to your left. Lead the way."

"I intend to." Luka reached for John's hand.
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