John walked out of Dr. Hansen's office with Dijana feeling much better about what had happened with Nick. He had seen Nick's hand in a cast and had wanted to say something but was afraid to hear that it was his fault. Nick had apologized and said he had no right to take out his anger on him. He knew that Nick was just trying to be nice but it still felt good to know that everything was all right between them. He hated to disappoint people but he hated it more when they stayed disappointed in him.
He had been so lost in his own thought and trying to not listen to everyone talking about his sexual failure that he barely heard Dijana asking him to tell her about his day.
"Actually, it went pretty well, but I was about to ask if it was okay that I go to my room. I'm really tired." John tried to hold back a yawn but found it impossible.
"Yes, of course you may. I would like to have you come to my office right after breakfast though." Dijana informed him. "Sleep tight, John," she added as he headed upstairs to his room.
As John reached the top of the stairs, he was just about to make a turn down the hall leading to his room when he saw Mike coming towards him. He turned and began to walk back down, taking a couple of steps and stopped. He had no idea why he was feeling the way he was but something had caused him to turn away. 'One, Two, Three, Four...' He began counting as he suddenly saw an image in front of him of his kissing Mike. He sat on the staircase feeling a bit lightheaded. 'One, Two, Three, Four, Five...' He continued as his memory cleared and he knew that he had actually done such a thing.
Mike saw John turn and go back down the stairs. His first thought was that John was too embarrassed to see him, which really bothered him. As he approached the stairs, he saw John sitting only a couple steps down with his head against his knees.
"John?" Mike sat cautiously next to him.
"Oh, God, I'm sorry... I didn't mean..." John's eyes were filled with tears and his voice was full of regret.
"John, you have nothing to be sorry for. I know that you weren't in your right mind last night and after the way Nick was treating you... well, I don't blame you a bit for what happened." Mike carefully reached around and put his hand on John's shoulder pulling him against him.
John sat silently letting Mike hold him. He had thought for sure that Mike would have wanted to kick his ass or at the very least, want nothing to do with him. "I guess if I was going to kiss a guy, I'm sort of glad that it was you." John pulled back and smiled sheepishly as he turned bright crimson, still embarrassed by the idea that he had actually kissed Mike.
"Yeah, well, lets try and not do that again. Not that you're a bad kisser but I'm just really not into that sort of thing." Mike bantered as he ruffled John's hair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday day 20
~One week later~
Dijana sat in her office completing some paperwork and going over the night reports. It was nice to see that the night had gone without incident. In this line of work, she was never sure. John came down the hall after finishing breakfast and he tapped on her door.
"Dr. Sajak?" He called.
"Come on in, John. How many times do I have to tell you Dijana is fine?" She teased, checking out his mood.
He smiled. "Fine. Dijana. You ready for me?" He chuckled.
"Come in, have a seat. I was just going over last night's reports. It seems like the night went fairly well. How did you sleep?"
"Pretty good. I woke up off and on but otherwise fine," he answered.
"Good. I wanted to meet with you to discuss our plan of action with your treatment. Are you up for that?" She asked, standing and moving to the other side of the desk, near John.
"Sure," he nodded.
"Excellent. You are coming up on your three-week mark. How do you think you've done so far?" She asked, crossing her legs.
John hesitated as he really thought about answering her correctly and honestly. "Well, I feel kinda out of control, sort of unbalanced, depressed." He admitted.
"I had a feeling you were going to say something like that. Do you realize just how far you've progressed, though?" She asked.
John laughed. "If you think so." He shook his head.
"Think about it, John. Just a short time ago, you were angry, unfocussed, unsure of why you felt that way, willing to stand back and let people walk all over you but you didn't understand why any of this was happening. Now, we have identified a multitude of issues, events that have had a lasting effect on you and even identified how you react when certain issues are forced upon you. Do you realize that last week, with your self-blame and Nick's insistence that he acted inappropriately, would have sent you into another episode, yet with Dr. Hansen's assistance, you were able to keep control and keep yourself from falling into the self-blame? Just from that one incident you have learned how to stay in control over similar issues." She asked.
John looked at her strangely. She was right. When he would feel the familiar evil building up around him, Dr. Hansen told him to count and he did, he was able to keep control.
"Yeah, I guess I have been." He said sounding surprised himself.
"Wonderful. Well, Dr. Hansen, Nick, and I have had many discussions about you, my dear and I believe that we have a plan. We also feel that enough is enough. You know what happened to you, we know, and I believe that you can now admit that you've been hanging onto that little black rain cloud long enough. It's time you took some self pride and began to go forward and stop blaming yourself for everyone else's bad actions, correct?"
"Okay." John nodded, not sure where she was going with this.
"From this moment on, we will begin to focus on 'control and conquer' rather than 'remember and defeat'. You need to learn how to control what's inside your head and take some power as well as responsibility for your actions, do you follow me?"
"I'm not sure."
"John, you have the choice of how you react to these memories or these triggers that set off your episodes and your depression. You have the right to choose to be happy or to be miserable. You do have control over your emotions." She said, going back behind her desk.
"Dr. Saj . . Dijana, that's easy to say but honestly not as easy to do. When these flashes come, I'm not really aware of what I do."
"Get aware." She stated, looking for something in her desk.
"Excuse me?" He asked, looking completely confused.
She stopped and looked him directly in the eyes.
"Get aware. Begin to become aware of the thoughts in your head or the feelings as these episodes come on and stop them before they happen. You know your own body and mind better than anyone does and I bet that if you begin to pay attention, you'll find that there are warning signs when an attack is coming on. Start listening to your head and your body and when the bad stuff begins to build up and take over, tell it to get the hell away and think of something different. Dr. Hansen has been having you count. If that's working for you keep it up. You'll eventually get to the point that the flashes will begin, you'll recognize them and tell them to take a hike all in a split second." She smiled as she pulled out a notebook.
John was still shaking his head. "I never know when they're going to come." He stated.
"I know. That's why you need to begin to talk about them. I want to hear how you felt when Nicole grasped onto your penis and shoved it up inside of her." She said bluntly, making John cringe. "I want to feel how scared you were lying in your bed at night, keeping yourself hard, waiting for her to come in and laugh at you. I want to hear the thoughts that went through your head when you lay on that floor, bleeding to death, watching your med student dying before you. I want you to get it out of your head and get used to talking about it. I want you to talk about it so much that soon, those thoughts and memories no longer have an effect on you." She explained. It was actually making sense to John but he still wasn't sure he could do it.
"I don't know." He shrugged.
Dijana slid the notebook towards him. "And when you aren't talking, I want you writing. I want it to be in great detail, every emotion, every tear, every heart aching second that you feel written in here." She tapped on the notebook. "When that one's full, we'll start another and another if needed. The only time I don't want you talking or writing is while you're at the hospital or sleeping. Do you understand?" She instructed.
"You think this is going to work?" He questioned.
"This is called desensitizing, John. It works for all my other patients, some more than others but we have a lot of events with you so you'll be a bit trickier. I also want to get your girlfriend in here on a weekly basis to have sessions together. If she's going to be in your life, we need to teach her how to handle your flashbacks and she needs to understand what you're going through. You did say she was your fiancé, didn't you?" She asked.
John nodded. "Yes, she is. If I'm lucky, she'll be with me the rest of our lives."
"Good. She needs this as much as you do. She also needs some on her own. Do you know if she's going to the group sessions we told her about?" Dijana asked.
"I'm not sure. We haven't talk too much about therapy." John admitted.
"Well, she needs to be going. Why don't you give her a call later and find out for me. You can tell me tomorrow when we meet." She smiled.
"Okay." John looked at her strangely.
"What? You don't believe this will work, do you?" She laughed.
"Hey, you're the expert." He laughed also.
"You're right about that, mister and don't you forget it." She warned. "Why don't we start today's session by reviewing the videotape Veronica took of your two sessions, shall we?" She stood and moved toward the sofa, motioning John to join her. John kicked off his shoes and brought his legs up underneath himself as he sat in the far corner of the sofa.
"If you feel anything while we're watching this, John, I want you to talk to me about it right then. If it's a memory, a feeling, a fear, anything. If you need me to pause it, I will but I will not turn it off. Do you understand?" She instructed, standing next to the television.
"I understand." He said, getting himself comfortable.
"Ready?" She asked, giving him one last chance to back out.
"Let her roll." He nodded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You know I forgot to mention who I've been working with." John said, cradling the phone on his neck. He'd just finished doing his laundry and had received special permission from Dijana to use his own phone to call Abby so he could at least get some privacy.
"Who?" She asked, lying on the bed. John's call had woken her up from a nap and she was too comfortable to do much moving.
"Does the name Malucci ring a bell?" He asked.
"Dave? You ran into Dave? Oh, God, how's he doing?" She asked, shocked.
"Well, he's working as a doctor at Edward Hospital. He's Dave, I mean he hasn't changed. Still picking out the best cases but has been nice to see a face I knew. Do we treat temps like such temps at County?" He kidded.
"Well, Luka said it took a while before he felt like he fit in." Abby quipped.
"Oh, yeah. I forgot he started as a temp," John said, folding his T-shirts.
"So, how are you, John? Are you going to be able to come home for a visit anytime soon?" Abby asked.
"Okay, I guess. I don't know about that yet. Oh, Dijana wants to know if you're going to those support groups she told you about." He said, putting his shirts into his drawer.
"Uh, no. I mean, I went to a couple and I've been doing the AA meetings daily. I'm kinda meetinged out." Abby laughed.
"We might have a problem," he groaned. "Dijana says you need to be going to those and she wants you to come up here and have sessions with me."
"Come on, John, I think I can handle it. I mean, I was raised by Maggie. You on the other hand, need to be going to sessions but I don't. I don't need therapy," she laughed.
John was quiet while he thought about how to say this.
"Abby, I need your help," he admitted. "I can't do this alone and I don't want to do this without you." He said simply. This time, it was Abby's turn to be speechless.
"Abby, I love you. I'd like us to be together for a long time and if I'm going to get better, I'm going to need your support."
"John, you know you have my support," Abby interrupted.
"Abby, I'm dealing with some serious shit here. I'm losing my mind and I need to know you're with me on this," John begged.
"Fine. I'll go to the meetings." Abby said, sounding a bit frustrated.
"Dammit, Abby. Don't agree because I want you to. Jesus, Abby. Why can't you just want to go for you?"
"Because I'm not the one who's been abused! I'm not broken, John." She said, the words out of her mouth before she had a chance to bring them back.
John felt the wind knock out of his chest. He tried to form words but no sounds came out.
"Oh, God, John, that's not what I meant. Please, Baby, I didn't mean that. I am so sorry. Honey, I didn't mean it," she begged.
"Yes you did." John said quietly. "Look, I'm going to hang up. I can't talk to you right now." He said, standing and pacing.
"Don't hang up, John. Please, talk to me. Do not hang up!" Abby said almost desperately.
John was shaking his head. "I'll call you tomorrow."
"John, please, I'm begging you, do not hang up!" Abby said to a dead phone line.
John needed to hit something. He needed really badly to hit something. The walls were closing in on him as his throat became tight and his breathing short and quick. He would not let it get him, he would keep control and be stronger than this.
His phone began ringing. He looked at the number and knew it was Abby. He answered and pushed end. A few more seconds passed and she called again, once again to be hung up on. When she called back the third time, John turned his phone off.
He needed to get out. He needed to get away. Abby said he was sick. The one person who he thought would be his one supporter through everything had just told him he was the one who was crazy. He couldn't be here right now. If he'd never come here, he'd still be at home, in Abby's arms and she'd still be his strength.
John slammed his door open and he stormed down the stairs, shoving past several other patients, bumping into furniture, even knocking over a table.
Dijana was in the middle of a therapy session when her phone rang.
"I'm sorry, Henry." She apologized to the patient and she picked up the phone. "Nancy, I'm in a session."
"We've got a code red heading out back. Williams just tore downstairs and out of here like he's on fire."
"Oh, God, get on the phone and call Dr. Bowers and have him bring a sedative." Dijana said, standing. "I'm sorry, Henry. I have to go. We'll continue tonight." She apologized as she excused herself.
John had gotten half way to the stable when Dijana ran out onto the deck and saw Dr. Bowers come out of the medical unit. Dijana looked out and saw John nearing the stable.
"He's over there." Dijana called as three more security officers joined them. Geneen was following John about a hundred feet behind, keeping her safe distance and was happy to see the troops coming.
"John!" Dijana called as she saw John reach the stable and begin to kick at the wooden fence post and try to pull it down. Luckily it was a very strong fence.
"Stay away!" He yelled, picking up an old board from the ground and he held it up as his defense.
"John, calm down." Dijana finally caught up with him and she stood back, unsure of what John would do. "Honey, put the board down."
"I don't need to put the board down, Dijana. I need to beat the shit outta something!" He yelled, slamming the defenseless fence post with all his strength, sending wood chunks flying.
"John, what happened? Can you tell me what happened?" Dijana was surprised to hear him call her by name. That meant he was still lucid.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I called her just like you wanted me to. I asked her if she was going to group and she said she didn't need therapy, that I was the one who needed help." John yelled, slamming the post with the board again.
"Dr. Bowers." Dijana motioned him to get ready.
"No!" John screamed, whipping around and holding the board up to strike. "You are not going to give me anything! I don't need it. I don't need you to dope me up again!"
"Then put the weapon down." Dr. Bowers said.
"Weapon? You think this is a weapon?" John asked, almost maniacal.
"John, stop and look at yourself. You need to take control." Dijana warned.
"Oh, I'm in control. I'm very much in control." John spat, pacing back and forth.
"Then put down the board," Dijana said clearly.
John stopped and looked at her. "Fine." He said, tossing the board to the ground.
"You all can leave. He's fine." Dijana said, dismissing the others.
"Do you need this?" Dr. Bowers held up the syringe.
"No, I think he's fine." Dijana said, walking up to John. She paid attention only to John. Everyone else reluctantly left. Dijana tried to put her hands against his face but John pulled away.
"John, tell me what happened?" Dijana asked, quietly, again touching his face.
"Nothing," he said, letting her touch him.
"John?" She asked, turning his face to look at his eyes.
"She said she didn't need to go to therapy or group because I was the one abused, not her. I was the one who was broken." He said, finally meeting her eyes, his own showing how hurt he was.
"Honey, I'm sure that's not what she meant." Dijana's heart broke.
"Doesn't matter." He shrugged. "She said it. I guess I'm alone again. Shouldn't be much of a surprise. It's not like I could ever count on anyone before." He said, sounding defeated.
"Let's go back inside and talk about this, okay?" Dijana led him back to the building. "Next time you feel like hitting something how about trying the weight room. There are several punching bags in there and less chance of anyone thinking that you're going to hurt yourself."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Luka, I need you." Abby said into the phone. Instantly, he could tell she was crying.
"I'll be right there, Abby."
To be continued....
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n