Thursday, July 3
Day 41
"I can't do this." Tasha insisted, taking several steps back.
"Sure you can." John encouraged, taking a hold of her hand. Tasha looked at him startled, her first reaction was to pull away but one look in John's eyes told her he didn't mean anything threatening to her.
"I don't know." She smiled shyly.
"You've been riding for weeks with me and I know you're ready. I'll be right next to you, okay? This is a big step for you, Tasha. You're going on your first visit home tomorrow and you don't want to go home saying you never rode on your own, right?" He coaxed.
Tasha looked at him closely. "I guess not. Okay, I can do this." She took a deep breath and stepped forward.
John smiled as he watched her pet the horse and get ready to mount. She was whispering the steps he'd taught her quietly, concentrating. Finally, she placed her foot on the stirrup and hoisted herself up onto the beast.
"Oh, my God! I did it!" She giggled to herself. John mounted his own horse.
"You ready to go for a walk?" He asked.
"Sure." She smiled.
"She's doing great on her own." Matt commented as he trotted up next to John. Matt had taken a group of residents out for a countryside horse ride.
"She is." John smiled, nodding.
"You've helped her so much while you've been here." Matt smiled, watching how confident Tasha held herself these days.
"I was just at the right place at the right time, that's all." John said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Friday, July 11
Day 52
Abby sat in the meeting, listening closely. A woman was telling her story of growing up with a bipolar mother and their nomad life. The woman talked about how she found herself unable to commit, how she never let people get close to her and Abby found herself getting misty-eyed. This woman's entire life had been traumatized because of her upbringing and Abby felt like she was looking into a mirror.
"Hey." Luka whispered, just getting there.
"Ah, hi, Luka." Abby said; feeling a bit choked up. She hastily wiped away a tear.
"You okay?" He asked, leaning towards her shoulder.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Look, I have to get to work. I'll see you there." Abby got up quietly and left.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thursday, July 17
Day 58
"Dr. Ramsey, you wanted to see me?" John asked, finding her in one of the exam rooms.
"Yes, Dr. Carter. Why don't you wait for me in my office and I'll be right there." She said, finishing the discharge on a patient. John nodded and headed for her office. Today was his last day working at Edward Hospital, his discharge from the Center just days away.
He was feeling stronger, more confident, and totally in control for the first time in his life. He'd admitted many faults and weaknesses over the past couple of months as well as confronted his life's failures. He was still growing and maturing, yet he felt that the strides he'd taken had given him the self-esteem that he lacked previously.
Probably the most important lesson he was learning was letting go of the guilt. He was learning to stop holding himself responsible for the actions of others and instead learning to control only his reactions to those events. While learning to let go of the guilt he'd carried his entire life.
Something new that Nick had him working on was no regret. John had done things in the past that he was feeling better about but Nick noticed that John was subconsciously replacing the guilt with regret. They were both working on leaving the past in the past and making each day a new day for itself and learning to take what each day brought, rather than feel guilty or regretful of how circumstances played themselves out.
Abby had been there for him throughout everything, both the good and the bad. She'd faced many of her own weaknesses and started her own education. She was able to take responsibilities for her own actions and make independent choices for what she wanted to get out of life and who she wanted to spend that time with. Her love for John had never faltered and she felt that together, they were stronger than as individuals.
John sat down in Dr. Ramsey's office, unsure of what she wanted him to speak to him about. He'd enjoyed the time that he'd spent at the hospital and felt like he'd done a good job. It was nothing compared to County but at the same time, it had given him some faith in his own abilities as a physician. He was looking forward to the chaos and panic that ran from wall to wall in County. He was also looking forward to seeing the people who he could now call his friends where as a few weeks before, the idea of returning to County was almost terrifying.
"I'm happy you have the time to see me, John." Dr. Ramsey came in, drying her hands on some paper towels.
"No problem." He smiled. "What was it you wanted to talk to me about?" He asked.
"Well," she sat behind her desk and smiled. "I understand that this is your last shift here with us," she said.
"Yes, ma'am. I've just about completed the business I had in town and I'll be returning back to Chicago in a few days," he explained.
"That's too bad. I was hoping that we could talk you into staying on here at Edward." Dr. Ramsey stated.
John looked at her in shock. "Really?" He smiled. "Wow, I take that as a compliment but I'm afraid I'm going to have to turn you down on your offer. I don't think I'm quite ready to leave County, yet." He smiled.
"John, this is a salary Attending position. I could give you four days a week with every other weekend off." She offered.
John smiled, snickering to himself. "That's a very nice offer, Dr. Ramsey. I'm really hoping to get on with County as an Attending any day now. They've been very supportive of my need to deal with personal business and I can't just leave them. My home is in Chicago, my fiancé is a nurse in the emergency room with me…" He tried to justify.
"I'm prepared to offer you 10% more than they'll pay you." She smiled, making John laugh.
"Oh, man." He ran his hands through his hair. "I don't know what to say, Dr. Ramsey."
"Say you'll at least think about it." Dr. Ramsey smiled sweetly.
"Fine." He laughed. "I'll think about it. Can I go back to work now?" He shook his head, laughing.
"Sure, Dr. Carter." She said, dismissing him. Somehow she knew he had no intentions of staying but at least she had tried.
John returned to the admit desk looking for another case when Dave walked up behind him.
"Hey, Hoss, I saw ya pulled into the general's office. You do somethin' wrong, man?" He asked, a concerned look on his face.
"No, Dave. Everything is fine. She just offered me an Attending position here." John smiled a bit smug.
"Really? Oh, man, that would be great! Ya gonna take it?" Dave asked, an excited twinkle in his eye.
"I don't know. She made a good offer but I can't just up and leave." John said, seriously thinking it over.
"Ya gotta admit. Dr. Ramsey is better on the ole eyes compared to the chief." Dave snickered.
"Oh, I don't know. You have to know Kerry the way I do to appreciate her." John smiled.
"So, ya gonna consider it? The offer, I mean?" Dave asked.
"I'll consider it but Kerry has really helped me out a lot lately. I feel like I owe her. Besides, I like working with Abby everyday." John shrugged, taking a chart and heading towards the exam room.
"Come on, Carter. You're gonna miss workin' with Doctor Dave if you leave here." Dave said, heading the other direction.
"You could always come back to County." John joked.
"Only if the chief leaves. I don't think they'll let me get away with what Chen did."
"You never know, Dave. I told you, I could refer you to a good lawyer." John teased as he left to see his next patient.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John exchanged numbers with Dave with a promise to get together soon. He signed off on his last chart and exited the hospital with a grin. Even though he'd just turned down a wonderful offer, he was sort of looking forward to returning to the demands of County General.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hello, John. How was your shift?" Dijana asked, seeing him come through the front doors.
"Great. They even offered me a permanent job but I turned them down and I don't even feel guilty about it." He smiled, making Dijana laugh.
"You ready to begin your coaching for facilitating tonight?" She asked, following him up the stairs.
"Ready to be coached on how to bare my soul? Yeah, I think I am. After I get showered and fed." He winked, having a totally different energy about him than when he'd first walked in the doors nearly a month ago.
Nick had been talking for days and was going to begin to coach John on learning how to begin facilitating group sessions in a few nights and John was finding that he was looking forward to it, rather than feel like he was being forced into it.
Along with it being therapeutic for him, he hoped that once he started talking about his experiences that he could relate to almost every patient in the place. Here he was, a seemingly all-together, professional guy and he'd been through more than most of the patients and was still going.
John stripped off his antiseptic smelling clothes and climbed into a hot shower. One thing he still had problems with was his back but without all the other difficulties compounded on top of it, it seemed like a minor inconvenience. He stood in the stall, scorching water pulsating against his aching muscles until he felt the tension begin to leave.
As he finished cleansing his body, he began to feel a bit better. He wrapped a towel around his waist, looking forward to returning home where he had big, soft, fluffy bath towels, not these less than perfect, industrial style towels. He snickered to himself. Actually, he'd rather be at home wrapped up with Abby but that would come soon enough.
The more he thought about Abby, the more he began to smile. He had never imagined that one person could feel so utterly complete with another, not the way she made him feel. Even when they fought, and both being stubborn mules, they argued and had spats all the time but they rarely lasted very long. Working together would be different but neither wanted it to interfere with their occupation. They were both committed people to their professions and were conscious of keeping personal lives separate.
Before getting dressed, he thought he'd try to give her a call. Dijana had given him back his phone and he had permission to use it when he was alone in his room and he had some time before dinner. Abby had been assigned to the night shift this week so he was pretty sure to catch her, probably even wake her up.
He listened to the phone ring once, twice, three times. She was definitely sleeping. Finally, right before it switched over to the answering machine, John heard the receiver pick up. And then he heard it drop to the floor and Abby mumbling some curse words in the background. More fumbling and finally he heard her lovely voice.
"If this isn't important, you are so dead." She growled into the phone, her bad mood evident.
"Good thing it's not my mother." John chuckled, very happy he was where he was when Abby got in these moods.
"Oh, no, she's already called. Kept me on the phone for an hour, too. Brandon called, your dealer called to remind you that it's time to get your jeep serviced, you've been offered three credit cards and we can get our carpets cleaned for fifty bucks." She said sounding exhausted.
"Do you want me to hang up and let you sleep?" John asked sympathetically.
"You do and the next time I get you, I will grab a hold of your balls and twist." She threatened.
"Ow, that's a graphic feeling." John groaned, laughing softly.
"I'm sorry, honey." Abby sighed. "How was work today?" She asked, softening her tone.
John chuckled. "I don't want to talk to you about work." He said seductively.
Abby purred. "Oh, you're in one of those moods." She giggled.
"I am so in one of those moods." He smiled.
"Emotionally or physically?" Abby asked lightly.
"Purely physical." He moaned, running his hand down his chest. "I was just thinking about how much you mean to me."
"John." Abby whispered. He always knew what to say.
"I miss you."
"You'll be home soon. I miss you, too." Abby purred.
"What are you wearing?" He asked softly.
"Your Bulls shirt." Abby admitted, wishing she could feel him next to her.
"Only my Bulls shirt?" John asked, hopeful.
"Only. If it weren't for these covers, I'd be exposed to anyone looking at me." She purred, only spurring John on. "How about you?"
John laughed. "I just got out of the shower. I'm wearing a towel and nothing else. I think I'm going to have a hard time getting my sweatpants on right now thinking about you in just a t-shirt and nothing else, spread out in the middle of the bed, that sleepy look in your eyes…."
"Oh, I bet if I brought my mouth to that swelling you're experiencing, I may be able to take care of it for you." Abby teased.
"Yeah, you'd be able to make it swell even more." He chuckled, bringing his hand down over the towel stretched over his groin.
"Oh, but as it swelled, I'd take it in my mouth, wrapping my tongue around the tip, hitting that spot that makes chills run up your entire body." She said seductively. Her words were working wonders on John's body.
"Anything you do to me sends chills throughout my body." He chuckled.
"When you started to moan and squirm, I'd kiss around the base, running my tongue up your belly, kissing my way up to your chest as my body slid along on top of yours." Abby said, running her own hands up under John's t-shirt, imagining him with her.
"How do you always know what to do or what to say?" John smiled, feeling his arousal increasing.
"I'm your once in a lifetime love, didn't you know that?" Abby teased but John nodded.
"You joke but I think you are, Abby. I thought I'd been in love before but nothing has ever felt like how I feel when I'm with you. You drive me crazy just being around you and when we make love, my God, Abby, I have never felt anything like that in my life." He admitted.
"Me, either. Every feeling when you're around is so intense. I feel your love for me when I look in your eyes. You've always seen inside me. I can't hide anything from you and I don't want to. John, you are the only person who accepts me for what I am." Abby declared, her heart aching to be back with him.
"Abby, when you touch me, my skin ignites. When I enter you, my entire mind goes blank. All I can feel is your warmth wrapped around me, your body giving in totally to mine, your soft squeaks and gasps turning me on even more as you try to breath." John said, touching himself but imagined Abby on top of his body. He touched his sensitive area and moaned, listening to her breathing.
"I've never been with anyone who puts as much into making love the way you do. Even when we're just in for a quick fuck, I feel you worshiping me, paying attention to only me." Abby whimpered delightfully.
John chuckled. "Except when I'm reciting the medical encyclopedia in my head." He kidded.
"You still do that?" Abby giggled.
"Rarely. I'd rather concentrate on your muscles tensing around me, trying to make me climax." He laughed.
"I do like it when you try so hard to hold off." She said. "I love it when you pull back, wanting so badly to thrust inside me hard and fast," she said, hearing John's breathing increase.
"And when I do, you stop breathing. Your eyes never leave mine and your hands hold onto me urging me deeper," he said.
"Oh, John, I need you back here with me." Abby begged, her own arousal getting close to climaxing.
"I can feel you, Abby. I can feel you sliding up and down, your chest on top of mine, your skin all soft and wet as you thrust your hips against mine."
"I feel your hands on my breasts, your long fingers caressing my flesh, your chest covered with beads of sweat." Abby moaned.
"Abby, I'm…oh God!" John felt his orgasm rush through his body, his towel coming in very handy at the moment.
His climax set off Abby's explosion as she moaned loudly into the phone as her entire body shuddered. "I love you, John." She gasped deeply.
John chuckled as he spread his wetness down his flaccid tool, still feeling minor tremors coursing through his groin. He moaned deeply. "I'm so glad you answered the phone." He kidded, listening to Abby's sounds. "I believe you're purring, Miss Lockhart."
"That I am." She laughed.
"I cannot wait to get home." He admitted, wiping himself off. Now he'd have to jump back into the shower but he didn't mind.
"How's it going out there?" Abby asked, curling up around John's pillow.
"I'm facilitating my first session tonight. I get to attempt to stand up in front of the group and tell my whole sordid past. Should be a blast. Wish you were able to attend my premier." He kidded.
"Oh, I've been doing my own sharing, thank you. I went to this meeting this morning when I got off and I listened to this guy who was talking about how his father treated him. It was really hard to listen to. I mean, he seemed so together." Abby said.
"At AA?" John asked, thinking this did not sound like a typical AA meeting confessional.
"No, silly. I was at the support group that Dijana told me about. I've been going every day and you know, I think I'm getting more out of these meetings that I have from AA in years." Abby admitted. John didn't realize she'd been going that often and hearing that she had made his heart fill with love.
"I should probably get back in the shower. They're going to come looking for me any minute here." He said, not wanting the conversation to end but knowing it had to.
"I love you, John." Abby said.
"I love you too, Abby. I'll call you sometime tomorrow." He said as he pressed end on his phone. He lay quietly on his bed for a while longer, feeling safe and content with her in his life.
Several moments later, a knock came on his door. Mike cracked the door open.
"John?" He asked, seeing John cover himself with the towel.
"Yeah, Mike?" John asked, trying to act casual. Mike tossed a videotape at him.
"We're running outta tapes, John." Mike winked, leaving the room. John chuckled, looking up at the video camera he'd completely forgotten about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"So, what are you going to have to do to return to work at County?" Nick asked.
"I don't think I'm going to have to do anything. As far as they are concerned, I just took a leave of absence. There are only a few people know why I've been gone. I mean, when I returned from Atlanta, I had to go on probation, couldn't write scripts, had to take drug tests but that shouldn't be the case this time. I should be able to just go back on schedule and pick up all the duties I had before." John said, playing with the edge of a pillow.
"Do you think that's wise? I mean, wasn't it the pressures of the job that played a part in you ending up here in the first place?" Nick questioned.
John thought for a few minutes. "I think I've learned different ways to handle the stress, you know? Or at least ways to keep myself in check better. I've learned it's okay to say no and that I don't always have to be perfect and not everything is my fault if it doesn't work out. My head's in a better place now and I think I can handle it. Maybe not 80 hour weeks right away but the pressure, I can do." He smiled.
"How about your relationship? Do you think it's suffered by you being in here?" Nick asked.
John shook his head. "Not at all. I think by being in here, it's strengthened it." He chuckled. "That's part of our forte. We both have weaknesses and have been there to help each other. When I needed a sponsor after Atlanta, Abby was there. When she got called to help with her mother, I was there.
When I relapsed, she was there. She had a relapse in her drinking, I was there again, and she's stood by me during this whole ordeal. Right now, I think we're even. She's going to the support group in Chicago and we'll go together when I get back home. I have the support of a few people at work and my family seems to be behind me, so I don't know what else I could hope for." John shrugged.
"You do realize it's not always going to be perfect. You will still have down times and periods of depression." Nick reminded.
"I know. Dijana wants to see me a month after I'm discharged to see how the meds are working and honestly, I am a doctor. I know what signs to look for." John joked.
Nick shook his head. "Oh, but you didn't see them before. You now see that you should have been medicated long before so don't rely on yourself to notice when you need an increase in dosage."
"True. I'll watch myself, really." John agreed.
"Well, I believe that we're all going to miss you around here." Nick admitted.
"Ah, but you have a reminder of me, at least until your cast comes off." John joked.
Nick held up his still casted hand. "The only thing I think about when I see this is how wrong I was, John. Really." Nick apologized.
"Yeah, well, me, too. Is this the part where we hug and make up?" John teased.
Nick laughed. "I believe we've already done that. How'd it feel to handle your first session tonight? I understand it went very well."
"Strange. I mean, here I've been living with these people for two months and yet it was like it was a group of strangers, you know? They didn't know the details of why I was here and it was hard. It is sort of a relief, though, talking about it. I still haven't gotten used to that. I mean; I've been not talking for over twenty years. It's hard to learn to be honest with what's in my head. I'm so used to giving people the story or the answer they want to hear. I sometimes stop myself because it's not always easy to tell which is which." John admitted.
"That will become easier as you go. You're going to have to start telling the truth to the people you work with, to Abby, to your family but who is the one person you need to tell the truth to all the time?" Nick asked.
John laughed and he pointed to his own chest. "Me. I know, be honest with myself."
"John, you know that we're always just a phone call away, right? Just because you'll be out of here doesn't mean that you're totally on your own." Nick stood up and pulled out his business card. He wrote a few numbers on the back. "Here's my home number and my mobile number. I want you to feel free to use them if you need anything, all right?" Nick handed John the card.
"Nick, You've been the one who was there for me during this whole thing and I want to thank you. You never treated me like I was crazy and I appreciate that." John admitted. Out of everyone, it was Nick and Mike who he'd miss most.
"I believe that brings our last session to a conclusion, John." Nick smiled, both standing.
John stuck his hand out and the two men hesitated. John stepped forward and gave Nick a hug. "Thank you." He whispered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mike tapped on John's door.
"Yeah?" John called as the door opened. Mike stepped inside.
"Your girlfriend is downstairs. You're really leaving this place, huh?" He said, watching John pack up the last of his bags.
"Yeah, I guess I am. I thought this day would never come." John looked up and smiled at him.
"You feel ready?" Mike asked.
"I feel a hell of a lot better than when I first got here, if that's what you mean. Yeah, I'm about as ready as I'll ever be." He nodded, zipping up the last bag.
"Well, let me at least help you down with these." Mike picked up his suit bag and a duffle while John got his other bags.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abby smiled when she saw John and Mike come into the lobby. She was more than ready for this day.
"You look like you want to get out of here." Dijana said.
"Nothing personal but I can't wait." John gave her a hug.
"Well, here are your discharge papers and I expect to see you back here in a month. Don't forget to continue with the meetings in town, John." She lectured.
"I won't, I promise." John smiled at her, taking a deep breath. "I can't thank you enough, Dr. Saj…Dijana." He smiled.
"You're worth it, John. I'll see you soon. Good luck Abby. Remember, you two can call anytime." She said, walking them outside as John and Mike loaded his bags into the jeep.
"I'll be fine. See you next month." John smiled, taking Abby's hand in his own, his fingers going instantly to the ring she wore.
"You wanna go home, Baby?" She whispered.
"Definitely." He smiled, waving before helping Abby in. He shut her door and walked to the driver's side. He could do this. He'd be all right now. Sure, he had a lot of work to do but he was on his way.
"My sister's not going to be there, is she?" He asked when he got inside.
"No, she's got her own place, now. The apartment across the hall." Abby chuckled.
"Thank God." He smiled as he started the jeep, pulled from the lot, and headed home.
To be continued....
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n