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Dijana arrived early the next day, stopping in at the dining room before heading to her office. As she greeted several patients, she could feel John's stare from across the room. She looked up and smiled at him, John never breaking his glare.



"Good morning, John." She said, sitting down at his table. John looked at her for a moment, stood, picked up his tray and walked away. Dijana watched him put his dishes in the dirty bins, walk over to Geneen to log what he'd eaten and to get permission to leave the dining area. Dijana followed him out to the deck, where John had already lit a cigarette as he stood looking out at the stables.



"So, you're not speaking with me today? That's going to make our session quite long if all you're going to do is sit there for an hour." She said, standing next to him.



"Why'd you have them take my phone?" John finally asked after several minutes of silence. He continued to stare out into the early morning sky.



"Should we go to my office and begin your session early?" Dijana asked, having guessed what he was upset about already. She just wanted him to verbalize what he was upset about.



"No. Cancel my session today." He said simply.



Dijana laughed. "Come on, John, let's go to my office." She reached for his arm and he pulled away subconsciously. As soon as he realized what he had done, he backed down.



"I'm sorry, Dr. Sajak." He said, crushing his cigarette out. "We can go." He nodded.



Dr. Sajak led the way back to her office and pulled out a note pad, instantly writing a note as John made himself comfortable. He'd gotten so used to them watching and writing down everything that happened that he barely noticed.



"So, tell me, John. Why are you upset that I took your phone away? Didn't Nick explain why we did it?" She asked, watching him closely.



"He said something about you two thinking I had some issues with sex and that I wouldn't be allowed to talk to Abby or have any kind of sexual contact for the rest of the time I'm here." He said, sounding a bit regretful.



"How does that make you feel?" Dijana asked, moving from behind her desk to the chair next to John. He scooted his chair away from hers slightly.



"Like I'm a child, being told who I can talk to and what about." He said, looking at a spot on the carpet.



"Has anyone ever done that to you? Told you who you could speak to and what about?" She asked. John looked up into her eyes and laughed sarcastically.



"You've got to be kidding? Only everyone. My mother, grandmother, teachers, girlfriends, bosses, you know, everyone." He ran his fingers through his hair.



"John, have the women in your life always treated you as the submissive?" Dijana asked.



"What? Dr. Sajak, are you accusing me of being…well, I don't know. I don't let women boss me around, if that's what you're saying." He said, shaking his head.



"Oh, no? What about your mother? Isn't she always judging you and aren't you always trying to please her? What about your grandmother, John, I met her. She can be a very intimidating woman. Your teachers who told you that you had to perform sexually in order to get what you knew you already deserved? What about your relationships? We've talked about all of them. Roxanne? Abby Keaton? Elaine? Haven't they always been the strong ones? The ones who made the decisions? The ones who told *you* what to do? Even Veronica has done it because I've witnessed it myself. Even your girlfriend now."



"Abby doesn't." John interrupted. He didn't like the fact that she was right.



Dijana laughed. "John, Abby needs you to protect her. She's a lost lamb and you are the sheepherder. She's playing you, John. She knows how to get you to do just what she wants. She is using you just like you are using her."



"What?" John asked, getting angry. This part she was so wrong about.



"John, don't get me wrong. I know you love Abby and I do not doubt for one minute that she loves you just as much but I have never seen two people who are more unhealthy for one another than the two of you." Dijana laughed, calming John down. John thought for a few minutes.



"I guess you're right." He shrugged. Dijana stood up and walked over to the couch, patting the side while she sat down.



"Come on, John. Time to watch a video."



~~~~~~~~~~~~



Abby sat in the quiet library, looking for articles or books on male sexual abuse but she wasn't having much luck. Finally, she decided to ask for help.



"Excuse me?" She said to the older man sitting behind the counter.



"Yes? Can I help you?" He said with a very pleasant smile.



"I was wondering if you could help me. I'm looking for materials about males who have been sexually abused?" She asked, desperately needing help. The man laughed.



"Honey, that's called getting lucky. Males don't get sexually abused." He scoffed, enraging Abby.



"Excuse me but they do. Studies have shown that males are abused sexually as much if not more so than women. Society just tells them not to report it or say anything about it. Now, could you possibly point me in the appropriate direction?" She said, managing to keep her voice calm. The man shook his head and looked her up and down.



"Believe what you want." He said. "You might try that section over there." He pointed.



"Thank you." Abby said, as politely as she could muster. She went to the section that the librarian had pointed out and began looking through the titles.



"Growing up Gay"

"The Joy of Gay Sex"

"When a man loved another man"



She looked through all the books on the small shelf and they were all about being gay and coming to terms with it. Is that what people really thought? That men couldn't be sexually abused? Men were raped every day in this country yet how many of them came into the emergency room and admitted it?



Discouraged, she dropped her bag and slid down to the floor, holding her head. 'God', she thought to herself. People really thought that. People really thought that the only men who were sexually abused were weak men, 'faggots' who had it coming. All the headlines and comments she'd heard over the years played in her head. How could a man, a boy really ever let a woman 'talk' him into such a thing? Women were submissive; women were victims, not men. Men were the stronger, more dominant ones. They were the rapists, while women were the victims.



Abby looked up, tired. She'd been there for hours and the entire trip had proven itself fruitless. Finally finding the strength to get up, she picked up her bag and began to leave.



Just as she was about to step onto the elevator, a handsome man who she recognized stepped off. This seem to be the ray of hope she was looking for.



"Excuse me, sir, excuse me." She whispered. The man turned around, surprised.



"Yes?" He asked, looking at her strangely. Abby did look slightly familiar.



"Uh, hi. I don't know if you remember me but I met you at the center down on Michigan?" She asked, hoping he'd realize what she was talking about. Finally, she saw it register in his eyes.



"Ah, Abby, right?" He said, his expression changing from confused to one of a friendship shared.



"Yeah, hi. Look, I don't know if you can help me but the staff here certainly can't so you're my last hope. I was looking for some articles, something to help me understand what my boyfriend is going through." She explained, crossing her fingers. They had actually talked in length a few times about John so he understood right away.



"You're right. They aren't very helpful. I do know, however, where you could find some research and several news articles, if that would help." He offered.



"Oh, thank you." Abby smiled, truly thankful for the people she was meeting.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



Dr. Hansen had John under hypnosis, thinking he was twelve and John was drawing a picture of his family. Dr. Hansen looked on, curious.



"John, can you tell me who these people are?" He asked, looking over John's shoulder.



"That's my mother and father," John pointed.



"Why are they way over behind everyone?" Dr. Hansen asked.



"Because they're never there. That's my sister Barbara and my cousin Chase." John moved on. There was a large empty spot between the kids.



"What should go here, John?" He asked. John set his pencil down.



"That's for Bobby but he's not there anymore. I have to fill the space. I have to take over. It's my job to take Bobby's place." John picked up his pencil and began drawing furiously over the figure he'd drawn to represent himself.



"Who's the woman standing so close to you?" Dr. Hansen knew whom it represented.



"That's Nicole. She's my friend." John said, making sure no messed up lines or eraser shavings were on the figure of Nicole. He looked at the drawing a bit longer, and then he began to scribble all over the one representing himself again.



Dr. Hansen returned to his chair, still watching John out of the corner of his eye. He seemed to expect this behavior from John.



"All right, John. I believe that's enough drawing for today. I'd like to talk to you about Nicole. Would that be okay with you?" He asked. John turned around, a smile on his face.



"Sure." He said. John always liked talking about Nicole.



"Can you tell me some of the things that Nicole is teaching you when she comes in your room at night? What kind of stuff does she make you do?" Dr. Hansen checked his tape recorder. He taped every one of his sessions and just wanted to make sure it was picking up John's quieter voice.



"She, uh, she touches me." He said, sounding a bit afraid.



"It's okay, John. I won't tell anyone. You don't have to be afraid here." Dr. Hansen reassured.



"You won't tell Gamma?" John asked.



"No, don't worry. I won't tell anyone. What happens when she touches you? Does it feel good?"



John blushed. "Yeah, it does. She sometimes rubs her body up against mine. I get to touch her, too. I didn't know that girls got wet down there. Why do they do that?" He asked innocently.



"John, did your parents ever talk to you about sex?" Dr. Hansen asked.



John started giggling. "No." he said, totally embarrassed. "The only thing my dad and I ever talk about is the Foundation." He shrugged.



"Okay, John, I'd like for you to come forward with me a few years. I'd like you to come ahead to your sixteenth birthday. Do you remember your sixteenth birthday? What did you do?" He encouraged.



John's posture changed and he slid down to the floor, bringing his knees up to his chest as he stared at the ground.



"John, can you tell me where you are?" Dr. Hansen asked.



"School."



"Isn't it summer time? Why are you at school now, John?" Dr. Hansen asked, knowing John's birthday had just passed.



"It's easier than going home. My parents sent me a ticket to meet them in St. Bart but I didn't go." The sad, young man said.



"Why not?" Dr. Hansen thought it strange that John would chose to stay at school than see the parents he rarely got to see.



John shrugged his shoulder.



"So, John. Do you have a girlfriend?" Dr. Hansen moved on. John shrugged again.



"I guess. She went home to be with her family." He said.



"Do you like her?"



"She's okay. I spend a lot of time studying and don't get to see her much. She goes to a school down the street. Sometimes, she sneaks me into her room late at night."



"Are you sexually active with your girlfriend?" Dr. Hansen asked. John nodded.



"Yes."



"John, do you remember Nicole?"



"Who?" John asked, looking confused.



"Nicole, your caregiver when you lived with your parents." Dr. Hansen reminded. John still seemed a bit confused.



"Oh, you mean the maid? Yeah, so?" He asked.



Dr. Hansen found this very interesting. Nicole and memories of her must have come up much later because right now, John acted as if she were just a maid.



"No reason, John. Why don't you tell me how school is coming?" Dr. Hansen decided to move on.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



One week later –



"John, I want you to think about how Nicole made you feel that night. About the pain you felt when she laughed in your face." Nick encouraged. He and John were sitting across from one another on the beanbags, John holding his head and rocking slightly.



"John, stay with me. How did she make you feel? I want you to feel what that felt like." Nick urged.



"No, I don't want to do this, Nick. Come on, have Dr. Hansen come in and put me under if you want to know how I felt but don't make me do this, please. I don't want to remember." John begged. His therapy had gotten very intense over the last week and while he was finally progressing, it was killing him inside.



"John," Nick said tenderly, putting his hand on John's shoulder. "You need to talk about this. You need to learn how to keep yourself coherent while you remember the stuff that happened to you. Until you can do that, all the things that remind you of it, like a patient that was abused, or a woman who resembled Nicole, or even a movie or book will keep sending you into your flashbacks. You need to learn to overcome this and you can. Just don't be afraid. I'm right here with you." He coaxed, his hand behind John's neck. John looked up into Nick's eyes.



"She made me feel…powerless. Like I was nothing. She'd been telling me that for a long time and when she laughed," his voice caught in his throat. "I was powerless." John's whole body was shaking and he was sweating but his rocking had ceased.



"Did that make you angry?" Nick pushed further.



John shook his head. "No, can't get angry. When I get angry, I, uh, I, …can't get angry. I have to stay in control. I have to look fine. I have to act normal. Someone may be watching." John rambled, almost frantic.



"John," Nick said clearly. "There is a difference between toxic anger and righteous anger. It's good to get angry. What happens when you get angry at work?"



"I walk away. I always walk away where no one can see me. I can't let anyone see me. Guys don't cry. I cry when I get angry, especially at work." John stated. Nick was near tears himself.



"John, it's okay to cry. Real guys do cry and they're not afraid to let anyone see." Nick himself had a few tears running down his cheeks. John looked at him, a bit embarrassed.



"Now you're telling me I have to cry at work in front of everyone?" He joked.



"Might not be bad therapy, my friend." Nick couldn't help but laugh.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



Several days later, John began to have a breakthrough. He was concentrating all his efforts on his recovery and had even backed down to only two shifts a week at the hospital to allow more session time.



For the first time, John stood and told his story during a group session. He got angry, he got emotional and he even cried. John was finally seeing himself improving.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



"But what about us?" Abby yelled out, standing.



"Abby? What about you?" The woman at the front of the room questioned.



"What about us, the wives and the husbands and the significant others who are waiting at home until the people we love complete the program and come home to us. What about us? What happens when the person we thought we loved is no longer there?" She asked the room. Luka reached out and took her hand, supporting her.



"The man I have been in love with for years has been gone from me for over a month. He's not even allowed to call me anymore. What happens when he comes home and I find out the man I love isn't the man I love anymore? What happens when he gets better and I don't?" She asked, speaking the words of so many of the spouses in the room.



The moderator smiled and stood, hushing the room from their murmurs.



"Abby, all I can tell you is that you're here. Every one of you are here, trying to learn what you can and to trying to grow and heal yourselves. The man you love, Abby, he's coming home. He didn't go away. The man is getting better so that you two can have a wonderful life together, free from trauma, free from debilitating memories. He is coming home to you and you will realize that the man you fell in love with and have loved for so long will be the man coming home to you." She said.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



Another week later -

Tuesday, July 1

Day 39



"Hey, John, you in here?" Matt called. He stepped into the gym and saw John with his shirt drenched, hitting the punching bag over and over.



"Hey, John!" Matt walked up to him and waved his hands in front of John's face.



Finally, John stopped. "Oh, hey." He panted, wiping the sweat off his face with his shoulder while continuing to move. "Need something?"



"Roger tells me you've been keeping to yourself all day. You okay?" Matt held the bag while he motioned John to continue hitting.



"I'm fine." John said, punching the bag with much more force than Matt expected and it almost knocked him over. The attendant braced his feet a bit more stable and motioned for John to hit him again.



"You don't seem all that fine. Looks to me like you have something on your mind?" Matt questioned.



"Oh yeah, and you're a shrink now, too. Listen, Matt, I've talked with Dijana this morning, went to hypnosis and group and I ate all my dinner." John said, taking a few more punches closer to Matt's face than Matt felt comfortable with.



"So, what did you talk about during group?" Matt asked, moving his face to the other side of the bag.



"We talked about self esteem." John made several more jabs at the bag.



"Is Abby coming up this weekend?" Matt asked, noting John's mood.



"Sunday. She's working all week so she can't come until Sunday," he said.



"It's got to be nice seeing her weekly, isn't it?" Matt took several hard punches near his stomach.



"It's hard. I don't even get five minutes to talk to her alone. It's like they think I'm going to jump her body every time I just look at her." John complained.



"Wouldn't you like to?" Matt asked.



John went to punch but he stopped and smiled. "Yeah, I would like to." He snickered, taking off his gloves.



"So, this refraining from any sexual activity's getting to you?" Matt asked, watching him.



John shook his head. "No. It's everything. I've been here for over a month, I've stopped shaving so no one has to monitor me with a razor, I quit using mouthwash because I can't have it in here, I don't complain about the cameras everywhere, watching my every move. I let them take my phone and I don't get five minutes alone with my girlfriend. I know why the rules are there but honestly Matt, would you like it if every ounce of privacy were taken away from you? I've been to rehab, that's not my problem this time. I guess I just wasn't expecting it to be so much like that. I'm just so tired of being on display. I'm tired of not being able to make my own choices, my own decisions." John explained, sitting down on a weight bench and wiping the sweat from his face.



"Well," Matt sat next to him. "Just think of it this way, man. If things go well this time, hopefully there won't be any more trips like this one."



"Not if I can help it!" John laughed. "Well, I'd better get inside. I'm supposed to sit in on Tasha's session and I think I need to shower first." John stood.



"Are you working tomorrow?" Matt asked.



"Yep, a twelve hour shift," John, answered before returning to the main building.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



Abby was putting her things in her locker in the lounge when Luka came in for his shift.



"Hi, Abby." He said, warmly.



"Hey." She smiled back, pulling her hair back into a ponytail.



"I tried to call you all day to see if you wanted to go to a movie," he said.



Abby nodded. "Thanks, but Barbara and I spent the day at the counseling center. I went in for a meeting in the morning and just never left. You'd be proud of me. I even stood up and shared some of the stuff John and I are going through." She said proudly.



Luka looked amused. "That's great. That makes every day this week, doesn't it?"



Embarrassed, Abby giggled. "I hadn't thought about it but I guess it does. You know, it's funny because I think these meetings are helping me deal with some of my own issues also, not just John's." She admitted.



"They do have a way of exposing your secrets, don't they?" He chuckled.



"I have no secrets, Luka. Not anymore." Abby smiled.



"Good for you, Abby." He placed his hand gently on her shoulder as they reported for work.







To be continued....
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