"Hey, Nick. You ready for me?" John asked, almost bouncing in the door. Nick smiled.
"Come in, John. I understand you had an unexpected trip home last night? Something must have gone well to put you in such a good mood." Nick questioned as John made himself comfortable.
"It was a very nice surprise and yes, it was really nice." John blushed slightly.
"What did you do?" Nick was curious to what could make John look that happy.
"Uh, well, Abby and I, just, well, you know, we spent some much needed private time." He admitted.
"Really?" Nick thought for a few moments. "Did you do anything else?"
John hesitated. "We talked a lot. I also saw my sister." He explained.
"Hm. John, do you like sex?" Nick asked.
John blushed. "Yeah, I think most guys do. Why?"
"Have you always liked sex?" Nick wrote himself a note.
"Uh, yeah. Why wouldn't I?" John was very confused.
"I never said you shouldn't." Nick smiled. "So, besides working together and having sex, what do you and Abby do together?"
"What? We do a lot of things together, Nick. We live together. We do laundry, watch movies, share meals, talk, read, take walks, all sorts of stuff. We're friends. We do…friend stuff." John said defensively.
"How long have you two been dating?" Nick asked, checking his notes. He had a suspicion that John was just fishing for answers and that his relationship with Abby was no different than any other relationship that he had had in his past. A relationship based solely on a sexual need rather that true love.
"Just over a month... but we've lived together for several and have been good friends for a couple of years."
"Okay, just since you've been dating, have you done any of those things, you know, friendship things?" Nick questioned.
John thought for a few moments. "We've talked. We did go out dancing once." John paused and shook his head. "You have to understand, Nick, that I began having problems with my head right after we got together. I started the hypnosis right after and I've been pretty much screwed up since we got together. I figure I'm damn lucky that she's still around for as many things that I've done to hurt her. It's my way of showing how much she means to me."
"What about buying her flowers or something?" Nick suggested.
John nodded. "Oh, I do that too but I can't show her the way I need to unless I, well, you know." John was getting confused.
Nick looked over his notes once more. He wasn't sure if John was being all that truthful about Abby.
"Tell me about the woman you were with before Abby. What was her name? Rena? What was that relationship about?"
"Yeah, Rena. Well, that was a weird one. Right after our first night together I found out that she was only 19. It sort of spooked me...her being so young and all, but she was still interested in continuing the relationship. I guess about the only thing we did have in common was the sex but we did do other things also. We went to basketball games and dinner and the movies. I am capable of more."
Nick shook his head, sensing the defensive tone in John's voice. "John, when did you become sexually active?"
John looked at him very strangely. "Uh, have you been attending the same sessions I have been?" He questioned.
Nick cleared his throat. "That's not what I was talking about, John. I'm talking after your fourteenth birthday. When did you become sexually active from that point?"
John thought for a few moments. "I, uh, wow. I don't know. I, uh, don't remember ever having a time period where I wasn't, you know?" John shifted uncomfortably.
"John, who were you having sex with at fourteen?" Nick asked. Even after all this time, they had talked very little about John's youth after Nicole.
"It's a long time ago, Nick." John laughed nervously.
"Okay, lets go at this from a different angle. I read in your file that in your very first hypnosis session with Dr. Montgomery, one of the first things your mind went to was an episode where you slept with your instructor at seventeen to get a recommendation for medical school. Do you remember that?" Nick asked.
"Vaguely." John admitted, slightly embarrassed.
"Was this the first time you had sex with a teacher or an instructor?"
John looked away. "It's …it's not like I did it every day." John said quietly, trying to keep his voice under control.
"When was the first time you had a sexual relationship with someone because you wanted to?" Nick made a few notes.
"I was having sex all through high school but nothing serious. I think it was more of a status thing, a social thing but I didn't sleep around." John said, rubbing his face.
"When was your first relationship?"
"College I guess. Thought I was in love. I fall pretty easily." John shrugged. "I didn't have much time for dating, though. I was at the top of my class and spent most of my time studying," he explained.
"If you were at the top of your class, why did you have to sleep with your instructor to get a recommendation?" Nick asked.
John stared at him. "Because she told me I had to. I didn't realize until years later that she'd taken advantage of me."
Nick nodded. "Have you ever had a relationship that didn't include sex? Not a friendship but a relationship?"
"Anna. She worked at County with me. God, I was totally in love with her. We became good friends."
"What happened to her?"
"She returned to her old boyfriend which she'd always been in love with. That's why she and I could never get together. I was in love with her and she was in love with her boyfriend," he explained sadly.
"Are you good?"
John looked at him, shocked. "Good? Are you asking me if I'm good at sex? Well, I don't get any complaints. Why?" John asked.
"I'm just trying to figure out when sex went from forced and abuse to enjoyable." Nick pondered.
John shook his head. "Sex was never forced. Nick, I liked sex. Sure, sometimes it scared me back when I didn't understand what was going on but the more Nicole taught me, the more I found I was good at it and I have always enjoyed sex. See, I've always been able to think about other things if I had trouble with who I was having it with but as far as the act itself, I've always enjoyed that." John admitted.
"So, you remove yourself mentally from the situation?" Nick asked.
"No, man, Nick. You're twisting my words around. Yeah, I can remove myself mentally but only when I have to, you know?" John tried to clarify. He was totally clueless to where this conversation was going.
"What kind of situation would call for you needing to remove yourself mentally?" Nick watched John's face closely.
"Uh, well, if I wasn't in the mood or tired or doing it for them, you know. Sometimes I've had to have sex with someone I wasn't particularly fond of or in love with but they expected it from me so I had to. Sometimes it was just physical, just a form of release I guess." John paused. "I have this trick I learned a long time ago to delay my own climax. I start going over the medical dictionary in my head, you know? Run procedures, concentrate on medical stuff until I'm ready."
"Really? Why would you want to delay your own release?" Nick asked with a smirk on his face.
John laughed. "Oh, come on, Nick. You know, because the female should always go first."
"Who taught you that?" Nick asked.
"It's just the way it should be. Nicole used to say the …" John stopped and looked at Nick. "Isn't it, Nick? Isn't it supposed to be like that?" Suddenly John sounded like a scared little kid.
"Well, I'm sure most women would agree with you but I'm not sure all guys would." Nick smiled warmly.
John ran his hands through his hair. "All this time," he shook his head.
"Hey, I'm sure that makes you a couple notches above most of us males." Nick chuckled. "When was the first time you had sex with a man?"
John laughed. "Brandon is the only guy I've ever had sex with but Jason, my roommate in college was the first guy I kissed. Over the years, there have been a few crushes, I guess you could call them that but Brandon is the first one that seduced me completely. Veronica helped but it was Brandon I wanted."
"How does sex with Brandon compare with sex with Abby?" Nick made a few notes while John thought.
"Wow. That's a hard comparison. The two most intense sexual partners I've ever had in my life but who are so completely different. Well, with Abby and Brandon, I don't have to separate myself. I can stay in my head and totally give in to the feelings. Uh, let's see, they both care about me and that I'm sure of. They are both more interested in making it good for me as well as themselves. There is the obvious physical difference and the way parts fit together." John chuckled. "I guess they're a lot alike more than different. They're the first two people I've ever been with where I don't feel as if I have to perform up to some preconception. They're also two people I never feel that I can get enough of," he smiled.
"Does Abby have a problem with you being with Brandon?" Nick asked.
John shook his head. "Uh, well, she gave me permission to sleep with him when I went to New York, but that trip didn't turn out so well. I sort of freaked out on them and fucked the whole trip up. I made the mistake of admitting I had feelings for Brandon but then I found out that the only reason they contacted me again was because Kerry called them. I was feeling a bit used and it hurt." John fidgeted nervously with his watch.
Nick sat back and observed as John got up and began wandering around the room. "What happened, John?" Nick persisted.
"After that trip, my head was so messed up. The next morning, I took a knife and left, intending on finding someplace to just end everything. Abby called Brandon and sent her brother after me. Eric and I ended up playing a game of basketball for the knife and he won. When we got back home, Brandon came and well, I guess I seduced him that time. I needed to be with him and he was willing." John looked toward the window, thinking silently. "I didn't want to live anymore. I couldn't take hurting everyone so much and being such a failure. No one was around me by choice and I didn't want to be a burden anymore. I would have done it, too, if they hadn't found out. I should have done it."
"John do you still think that you'd be better off if you had succeeded?" Nick needed to know if John still felt suicidal.
"I don't know. Sometimes I think that everyone would be better off if I wasn't around. Abby wouldn't have to worry about me and neither would Brandon. They could just go on with their lives and I wouldn't be here to mess everything up all the time. I know they both care a lot, probably more than I deserve but it seems that every time I turn around, I'm hurting them." John sat back on one of the beanbags and stared at the ceiling.
"Do you miss the sexual part of your relationship with Brandon?" Nick questioned.
John shook his head. "Nick, Brandon and I don't have a sexual relationship. In fact, I'm not sure if we have much of anything. We were in Atlanta together but that was just a friendship. Then I did the auction thing but that wasn't real because Kerry arranged the whole thing. So what if I had a week of some of the best sex in my life. I thought it was real but I don't think it was. Then months later, they show up and seduce me again. I get sucked in and Veronica decides she wants to get inside my head and I end up here." John blushed slightly.
Nick looked at him a bit strangely. "John, do you realize that you just said you can't get enough of him and that he cares about you and then you say there's nothing there because it was all arranged. How do you really feel about Brandon? You sure seemed interested in him when they came down for that session a couple weeks ago."
John rubbed his face. "You're getting me all confused. Brandon has this way of, well; I can't think when I'm around him. He is a very sexual person," he tried to explain.
Nick chuckled. "I believe the same thing has been said about you."
"Really?" John asked, a smirk on his face. "Anyway, there has always been this sexual energy between us. I've never experienced anything like it with anyone." John thought for a few minutes. "When he showed up at the hospital a month and a half ago, I hadn't seen him for months. I took one look at him and my knees grew weak, you know? He slipped me the key to his hotel and within hours, I was there and in his arms within minutes. Same thing when I tried to kill myself. He walked in and I was all over him." John shrugged. "Have you ever known anyone who did that to you?"
Nick shook his head. "No, but I wouldn't be totally opposed to the idea."
"Well," John began. "I care about Brandon, I think more than I should. If I were gay, which I'm not, but if I were, he'd be the type of guy I'd be attracted to." John nodded, thinking hard. "Abby wants me to be with Brandon because she says he can give me something she can't."
"Sounds pretty open and I bet you'd have to look hard to find a woman that concerned for your needs." Nick commented.
"I know." John nodded. "Trust me, I know."
John's session with Nick ended due to a lack of time but Nick assured John that he would be around to talk later if he needed.
"Actually, I think I'll be sleeping pretty well tonight," John grinned before leaving Nick's office.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, Tasha. Where's Pam?" John asked, joining Tasha at the dining table with his lunch. Tasha was sitting by herself and looked up, surprised to see him.
"She, uh, she was transferred to the hospital early this morning." Tasha said barely over a whisper.
"What happened?" John asked, shocked.
"She cut herself during the night." Tasha explained, keeping her eyes down.
John rubbed his face. "Man, she seemed like she was doing so well." He sat back and looked at Tasha. "Are you okay?"
Tasha looked up at him, tears in her eyes. John slid his chair instantly near her and accepted her into his arms as she collapsed against him.
Dr. Hansen came into the dining area for a refill on his coffee and he noticed Tasha and John sitting together off to the side, John holding her as she cried.
"It's okay, Tasha. At least she's getting some help." John soothed her hair down, gently kissing the top of her head. He caught himself and was actually surprised he'd been that affectionate with her.
"But she's been here for so long and she still can't get better. She was getting ready to go home. How do we know when we're ready? I'm terrified to walk out those doors, John." She admitted, her hand holding onto his neck.
John stood up and held out his hands. "Come on." He urged. Tasha stood and went into his arms as they walked to the door. Dr. Hansen nodded to Geneen to allow them to leave.
John kept his arm wrapped safely around Tasha's shoulders as he led her out to the back deck. They sat together on the end in there usual spot, legs dangling. Tasha leaned into John, allowing him to keep his arm around her shoulders.
"You know what I think? I don't think we'll ever really be all better," he said softly. "But I'm hoping to learn some new ways to deal with what's in my head. Maybe Pam got to a point where she felt vulnerable and wasn't able to reach out for help. That's something we're going to have to remember. We need to reach out to those around us and ask for help sometimes." John soothed.
"You have your girlfriend, though. It's easy for you to say that because you have a support group. I don't." Tasha admitted.
John was silent for a few seconds. "You have me," he said.
Tasha looked up at him, looking into his eyes. "Thank you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Dijana, do you have a minute?" Nick asked, tapping on her door.
"Sure, Nick. Come on in." She smiled, putting her pen down. "You look concerned."
Nick laughed. "Well, I am a bit. You let John go home last night."
"Yes, I did and I saw the good mood he was in this morning, also. Do you have a problem with that?" She asked.
"I've been going over all the sessions we've had with him and his mood certainly changes with sex, don't you think?" Nick questioned.
"I think most of us go through a mood change with regular sexual activity." Dijana laughed but she noticed Nick's serious face. "Nick, tell me why you're so concerned."
"Okay, he was clearly sexually abused at a very young age. This woman molded him and taught him certain aspects about sex and sexual relations that have remained with John throughout his entire life. He bases his life's partners on his first experiences, whether or not it's healthy. He has been taken advantage of his entire life because of his commitment to perform for his partner and in that, found sexual satisfaction for himself. He now has two partners which he feels that he can be himself with yet he is still avoiding certain issues by using sex as a way to bury his feelings." Nick explained.
"Dijana, I know this sounds crazy but I think John is addicted to sex. He uses it to avoid problems. He gets a rush and his personality changes after he has it. He bottoms out when he doesn't. When he has an opportunity for it, it's like he's obsessive about it. I mean, come on, his entire relationship with Brandon, Veronica and Abby seem to all be based on sex. This does not seem healthy coming from someone who was sexually abused. Most people who have been sexually abused, particularly so young have issues with sex, you know? I'd think he'd avoid sex, not seek it out in the people he trusts. I mean; he even came on to Mike. He's been here three weeks and he's already had two trips home so he and Abby could be together. I'm thinking we need to stop these trips home and find out what he's like without it." Nick said.
Dijana thought for several moments. "You may have a point, Nick. He just opens up so much more after he's had sex. He seems to be more stable after these trips home." She said, thinking out loud. "All right, let's stop all trips home for a while and monitor him." Dijana agreed.
"Is his girlfriend going to start coming up for weekend sessions?" Nick asked.
"I hope so. I'll give her a call." Dijana opened John's file, looking for Abby's number.
"Just make sure that they are supervised when she's here. I mean, I heard about the stables." Nick chuckled.
"You think we need to monitor him while he's working at the hospital? I mean, what's not to say his girlfriend won't visit him there?" Dijana asked.
"How about talking to her and explaining to her that she has to refrain? We might even need to call Brandon and make sure he doesn't visit either."
"I think that might be a good idea." Dijana agreed as she stood. "All right, I'll make the calls. How'd your session with him go this morning?" She asked as they walked down the hall.
"I believe he may still be suicidal but it's underlined. It's been three weeks and I don't know if I feel that he's progressed very far. I mean, he's great with Tasha, we hear he does great at the hospital but I wonder how much healing he's actually doing. We're just doing what he's been doing for years and that's keeping him busy so he doesn't have to deal with his own feelings. He talks during his sessions but I'm not sure if he's saying what we want to hear or really experiencing this stuff. He's very clever. I'm just concerned that this is going to take a very long time." Nick expressed quietly as they walked to the back deck. They could see John playing basketball with several of the other patients, his clothes covered in sweat.
"He's definitely pushing us to the limits to find out a way to help him, isn't he?" Dijana asked, watching John play.
"That he is." Nick agreed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brandon sat in his office, having just hung up the phone. The call from Dijana had confused him somewhat. While he understood her reasoning, he couldn't see how limiting his visits would help John at all.
Veronica walked in to meet him for dinner.
"Hi, darling." She gave him a deep kiss. "What's wrong, dear?" She asked, noticing the strange look on his face.
"I just got off the phone with Dr. Sajak. She's asked me not to visit John." He said, shaking his head.
"Why not, darling?" Veronica asked.
"Not much of an explanation. She just wanted to make sure I hadn't planned on meeting John away from the center. Something about having him refrain from sexual activity or something like that." Brandon tried to make sense of the conversation.
"John? Refrain from sexual activity? I wonder how long they expect that to last." Veronica asked, also finding it a bit strange. They were working with the same man, she thought. "I'll find out what I can when I go for the next session, darling. Until then, he'll be fine. We have reservations." She reminded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, Abby. What's up?" Barbara came in from a business meeting to see Abby sitting still in her scrubs at the kitchen bar with the phone in front of her and a blank stare on her face.
"Huh? Oh, hi. That was John's doctor. She wants me to come up this weekend for a therapy session." Abby said.
"That's great. Maybe he'll get another surprise visit home." Barbara winked.
"Uh, no. She said they aren't going to let him come home anymore. She also said that we wouldn't be allowed to be alone when I go there. They are exploring his issues with sex and don't want him to have any contact for the remainder of the time he's there." Abby explained, still stunned.
"What? That's crazy, Abby. They can't do that." Barbara stated.
"Uh, yeah, they can. Dijana said that if I don't comply, she wouldn't allow me to see him. It really doesn't make sense since she's the one that stressed how important it is to John for me to be there in the first place." Abby's voice was laced with confusion.
"How does John feel about this?" Barbara asked, knowing this would not sit well with her brother.
"I don't know. She said our calls would be monitored."
"Oh, I do not want to be her when he finds out about this. He is going to blow his lid!" Barbara laughed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John looked over on his bedside table but couldn't find it. He went to his closet and began going through his pockets searching for his cell phone but couldn't find it. He checked under his bed, pillow, in the bathroom, every hiding place he could think of with no luck.
"Hey, John, you have group downstairs that started five minutes ago." Nick said, opening John's door.
"I can't go yet, Nick. I can't find my phone." John said, still looking through his room.
"John, Dijana had security come in and take it. It's locked in her office." Nick explained.
John stopped and looked up at Nick. "What? Why? Why would Dijana have them take my phone?"
"Well, John. None of the other patients can have phones and I believe that she was concerned about the others thinking you were getting special privileges. We have the lines downstairs you can use during your free time."
"No. I want my phone back. I am not going to be calling Abby from downstairs, Nick. Tell her I want my phone back." John stated clearly.
"I can't do that, John." Nick stepped completely into the room and shut the door. "She doesn't want you making private calls. We've got a bit of a concern and some of the rules are going to be changing, John."
John glared at him. "What will be changing, Nick?" He asked very calmly.
"We want to limit any unsupervised contact with Abby and Brandon for a while. Abby will be coming for a session this weekend but you two will be supervised. John, we believe you have some issues with sex and we'd like for you to refrain from having any sexual contact with anyone for the remaining time you're here." Nick said as delicately as he could.
"You think I have issues with sex? Nick, that's one of the fucking reasons I'm here. Yeah, I have issues with sex but how dare you steal my property and tell me who I can speak to and who I can't! You have no right, Nick." John's voice got louder as he went.
"Yes, I do, John. Dijana and I both agreed this would be best for the next few weeks."
"Few weeks? How long do you plan on keeping me here, Nick? I've already been here nearly a month. I have a job to get back to." John questioned.
"John, we still have a ways to go and we need you to help us on this. If you can refrain, we can deal with your issues with sex and hopefully help you use it in a healthy manner rather than as an escape."
"You think…you think I use sex with Abby as an escape?" John asked, shocked.
"Yes, I believe you do. Trust me, John. Try this. Please. I'm concerned about your attitude with sex and I'd like to explore a few issues."
John shook his head. "Fine. I can go without. God knows; I've done it for months before. You'll see. I can go without. I do not have an unhealthy concept of sex, Nick." John protested, talking more to himself as he decided to leave his room and go downstairs to his therapy session.
Nick let out a deep breath. 'Well, that went much better than he thought it would.'
To be continued....
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n