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Once dinner was finished, several of the patients headed out to the stables for an evening ride. There were a few attendants along with them as chaperones but they fit in with the rest of the group.



John was getting tired after eating such a big meal but he still looked forward to the ride, something relaxing to do rather than playing pool or reading. Anything to enjoy pleasant times before he had to see Nick again.



It had been in the back of his mind all day. John was still angry at the way Nick acted. It wasn't like he'd run late on purpose. He'd fallen asleep. He didn't mean to but it had just felt so comfortable with Abby by his side that he even considered not returning.



He wasn't sure what this place was doing for him that he couldn't get at home. Sure, he realized he wasn't alone. He was able to admit clearly that he was abused. He was experiencing more flashbacks than normal but his being here wasn't making them go away. About the only thing he was sure of was he truly felt he was losing his mind and that wasn't a thought he liked.



The medication he was taking also didn't seem to help. If it were helping, then he wouldn't have zoned out the night before. About all he could remember of the night was waking up in Abby's arms, terrified that he was late, the near death experience with the semi and the flat tire. He had vague memories of Nick verbally attacking him and wanting to run away. He did remember suddenly being in his room and having done something stupid but he didn't remember what. His memory lapses really bothered him.



"So, John. How much experience do you have with horses?" Pam asked as they walked toward the stables.



John became aware that his mind was drifting and he shook his head to clear it. "Uh, years, actually. Back to boarding school but I've always been around horses." He answered.



"I love horses. They are such massive, powerful animals." Pam cooed as they approached the stables.



John instantly walked up to a gray mare. "Tasha, this is Cherry Blossom. She's the calmest horse out here and I thought you and she might get along pretty well." He said, petting the horse's nose. She tried to see if he had anything hidden in his hands.



"Okay." Tasha said, daring a glance up at the huge beast.



"Let's get some saddles and get these girls ready to ride." John said nonchalantly. Tasha cringed.



"Its okay, hon." Pam took her friend's hand and they followed John inside the stables.



John placed the blankets onto both horses, then the saddles, hitching them up snug. "Here you go, Pam, I'm assuming you need very little assistance?" He winked.



"A boost up might be nice." She winked back. John blushed.



"You're going to make my girlfriend jealous if you keep it up, Jezebel." He teased lightheartedly. He boosted Pam up so that she was sitting on her horse comfortably. He turned and smiled to Tasha.



"I can't do that." Tasha took a few steps back.



"I bet you can." John smiled. "Come on, I'm going to have a hold of you the entire time."



Tasha shook her head. "No, I can't."



John leaned his head down, trying to get her to look at him. "Tasha, it's me, okay? I'm not going to do anything that's going to hurt you." John said tenderly. One of the attendants watched closely.



Tasha looked up to his eyes and half smiled. "Okay, I guess I'm being stupid, huh?" She said, embarrassed.



"No, not at all." John held out a hand and Tasha took it and stepped closer. "Okay, I'm going to sit up here in the saddle." John motioned. "Once I get up there, what I want you to do is to put your left foot here in the stirrup and I'll pull you up behind me. On three, you'll jump up and swing your right leg over the back, sitting here." He patted the back of the horse just behind the saddle. "Feel free to grab here on the seat or onto my shoulders if you need to, okay?" He asked.



Tasha nodded, watching his every move. With one fluid movement, John mounted the horse gracefully and he offered his hand down to Tasha.



"Ready?" He smiled.



Tasha stepped forward and the horse whinnied, making her step back. John calmed the horse down by patting her crest and talking to her. He chuckled.



"It's okay, Tasha. She can just tell you're nervous."



"It's that obvious, huh?" Tasha laughed.



"Let's try again." He held out his hand and Tasha stepped forward. On three, she pulled herself up and behind John and suddenly found herself sitting on the back of a horse.



"I had no idea how tall they were," she said, amazed at the feeling.



"You okay back there?" John asked.



"Yeah, what do I hang on to?" She asked.



"Well, this is the fun part. We're going to do a lot of bouncing and your best bet is going to be to get up as close to me as possible. Since you've never been on a horse, it's going to get a little shaky back there so you can either wrap your arms around my stomach or around my chest. When we're walking slowly, you should be okay to just hang on to my shoulders but I'd suggest you keep hold of me, no matter what. I figured that would make it easier on you rather than me having to hold onto you." John explained.



"Okay," Tasha said, surprised with how safe she felt.



"Good. When we're galloping, I need for you to lean forward into my back. It's easier for the horse. When we're just trotting, it's okay to sit up but I just need you to be aware of what my body is doing and you need to become an extension of it, if you will. Let your spine absorb the bounce, don't fight it. You'll just end up with a sore back. Hang on by tightening your thighs and hanging onto me, all right?" John instructed.



"Okay," Tasha again agreed.



"You two okay back there?" The attendant asked.



"We're fine. Just taking things slowly for Tasha but I think she's ready." John smiled as Tasha chose to wrap her arms around his stomach loosely. The second they began walking, her grip tightened.



"Tasha," John took hold of her hands and moved them up to his chest. "I just ate, okay?" He teased. He was happy to hear her giggle.



"Well, look at you two. You look like Roy Rogers and Dale Evans." Pam teased, prancing her horse next to them.



"This is kinda neat." Tasha admitted, feeling John's heart beating in his chest.



"And you're doing great." John commented as the attendant smiled. No one understood how John was able to get through to Tasha. Judging by her grip and the look on her face, she appeared to feel comfortable with him.



They walked along slowly behind the rest of the group, taking their time. It was relaxing and nice to not have to talk each moment. They all had to do enough talking in their group sessions.



"How's your knee doing, Tasha?" John asked, feeling her resting her head against his back as they rode.



"It's okay. The swelling has gone down and they say I should be fine," she said.



"So, did you and Pam meet in here or did you know one another before this place?" He asked, just wanting some casual conversation. He enjoyed having Tasha wrapped so tightly around him and he just wished Abby were there.



"We met here." Pam said, riding next to John. "Tasha's been here just over a month and I've been here for about a week before you came."



"You two are rooming together, also, aren't you?" John asked, holding one of his arms over Tasha's and holding onto the horn and the reins with the other. Mainly because he didn't want her hands going any lower.



Pam giggled. "That and a bit more." She admitted, getting a glare from Tasha.



"Pam!" Tasha hissed.



"What?" John asked innocently.



"Well, they won't let me smuggle any guys into our room," Pam laughed. John looked at her and began nodding as he realized what she was saying.



"And you go for this?" He asked Tasha, who pulled away.



"Hey, it's okay if you do." John said, leaning back to meet her body.



"It is?" She asked, her face right over his shoulder.



"Well, of course he thinks so, Tasha, he's a guy." Pam laughed.



"That's not the reason." John quickly stated. "Believe it or not, that's never done anything for me." He shrugged. "Actually, that's something else we have in common." John whispered for Tasha's benefit. "I have a male friend, also, and he's been able to, you know, give me some comfort when a woman can't." He admitted. Tasha wrapped her arms back around him, trustingly.



"I don't know if I can ever be with a man again, not since . ."



John wrapped his arm back around hers, pulling her close. "I understand. I don't know if any of them have meant anything really, before Abby. I was looking for something that I never found."



"And they all ended up hurting you," Tasha said quietly.



"Yes, Abby will too, sooner or later, but I'm trying to enjoy it for now," he said.



"Yeah, me to." Tasha laid her head against his shoulder and hugged him much more than holding on.



They rode along quietly, following the rest of the group.



"It's getting near 7pm. How many of you have sessions to get back to?" The attendant announced. John, along with several others raised their hands. "Okay, I'll lead the group back that has to return and Frank here will take the rest of you on."



Pam didn't have to be back but Tasha did so the two girls split up.



"Hey, Tasha?" John asked quietly.



"Hm?" She asked.



"I just want to make sure that Pam isn't talking you into anything. I mean; you don't have to just because she wants you to." John said quietly.



Tasha giggled. "They let women go to the bathroom together and there are no cameras in there." She said. John chuckled.



"I always wondered why women did that," he smiled.



"I don't suppose you'd be interested," she suggested. This caught John by surprise.



"I thought you had a guy thing," he questioned. Tasha giggled.



"You're not a normal guy," she admitted.



"So I've been told, although, I'm not sure I know what that means," he smiled. He didn't want to answer her. It did his ego good but John wasn't someone who cheated, especially not on Abby. He didn't consider being with Brandon and Veronica cheating since Abby either participated or knew about it and even occasionally encouraged it.



They arrived back to the stables, took off the saddles, and had a few minutes to brush the horses down. John even showed Tasha how to do it and he stood back, watching her become friends with the animal.



"So, you have group?" Tasha asked as they walked back together, shoulder to shoulder.



"Session with Nick." John smiled, feeling nervous.



"I heard about what happened last night. I heard he totally attacked you." She said, accepting the cigarette John offered. He lit it for her.



"I'm sure I had something to do with it. I was late and I promised I'd get back early. It was my own fault." He said, taking a deep drag off his own.



"You blame yourself for everything, don't you?" Tasha smiled, looking into John's eyes.



"I guess I do," he blushed.



"Your girlfriend is a very lucky woman." Tasha said, looking away. "I wish all guys were like you."



"Oh, there are a few of us around. Luckily there are more of us than the one's that hurt you," he said.



"That's to be seen," she shrugged. "Well, I've got to go."



"Yeah, me, too." John stepped on his cigarette.



"Thank you, John." Tasha leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. She went in through the deck. John stood there, dumbfounded. From barely able to look at him to kissing his cheek. Not bad for an hour. He smiled and went inside.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Dr. Hansen?" John asked, coming in to the doctor's office. "Geneen said I was supposed to be in here tonight?" John asked, curious.



"Come on in, John. Yes, that is correct. Please, have a seat." He pointed to a large plush chair. "How has you're day been? How did work go?" The doctor asked. John came in hesitantly, still confused as to why he wasn't having his session with Nick.



"It was okay." John said, sitting slowly. "Am I in trouble here?"



"No, no, no." Dr. Hansen laughed. "We just weren't sure how you'd be after last night. We didn't want to force you and Nick into a session together until we found out how you felt about it."



John rubbed his face with his hands. "Hey, I deserved it. I know they made special arrangements for me to go home and I screwed it up." He shrugged relaxing back into the comfortable seat.



"You think you deserved to be yelled at?" Dr. Hansen asked, curious.



"Uh, yeah. I promised to be back here at seven for my session and I wasn't. I think I'm pretty lucky they let me back in at all." John said.



"But didn't something happen that made you late?" Dr. Hansen thought it was interesting how John was turning this around in his mind to make it his fault.



"Uh, no. I mean I had a pretty good day with Abby and my parents. Several of my friends came and it was okay, you know." John explained.



"Didn't you leave the night before?" Dr. Hansen checked his notes.



"Uh, yeah. Abby picked me up at dinnertime and we went out to dinner on the way home." John said, rubbing his neck.



"What happened after that?" Dr. Hansen could tell by John's eyes that something had.



"We, uh, we had some alone time," John said blushing.



"Did that go all right?" Dr. Hansen asked. John sighed.



"Not exactly as planned." John admitted. "I couldn't . . God, this is hard. I couldn't, well . ." He fumbled.



"Ejaculate?" Dr. Hansen asked.



"Uh, yeah. That's never happened before. I guess it's better than going the other way but it was really hard. Abby was great. She kept telling me how it didn't matter. About how she loved spending time with me and if we never had sex again speech." John said, his frustration obvious.



"Were you ever able to climax during your trip?" Dr. Hansen asked.



John chuckled. "Uh, no." He shifted. "I gave up trying. Disappointment was enough the first time. I didn't need the repeat performance."



"Okay, so you had some trouble with your ability to have sex with your girlfriend. What happened next?"



"Uh, the next morning I woke up on the balcony. I'm not sure how I got there. It was kinda scary," he said.



"But that's happened before, right?" Dr. Hansen asked.



John nodded. "It doesn't make it any easier. Abby found me and came out, sat in my lap and we just held each other for a while. It was nice." John smiled.



"You two didn't try to have sex again?" Dr. Hansen found John's expression so easy to read.



John sat forward with his head in his hands as his fingers gripped his hair.



"Tell me what you're feeling, John," Dr. Hansen asked. He knew that John didn't like to discuss such intimate details.



"Tired." John sat back resting against the back of the chair.



"Do you want to stop?" Dr. Hansen asked.



"No," John continued skipping over the subject of sex. "We went to the party over at my grandmothers. It was nice but God, my whole family was there. Several friends came by and I had a lot of fun. Everyone was kinda tiptoeing around me but I had pretty much expected that. Abby and I went home and I was kinda tired. We laid down on the bed and the next thing I knew Nick was calling. We fell asleep." John shrugged.



"You couldn't help falling asleep." Dr. Hansen said.



"Oh, yes, I could have. I was tired. I never should have lain down. I should have stayed up. I knew I had to come back." John said, fully taking responsibility.



Dr. Hansen sighed. "Okay, then what happened?"



"I needed gas so I stopped to fill up. Then I came back here." John said, rubbing his hair. Dr. Hansen checked his notes.



"I have here that Nick called you at 8pm and you arrived at 10:42pm. John, you don't live that far away. What happened?"



"I stopped for gas." John said, feeling Dr. Hansen's eyes watching his every move. "Okay, I had a flat tire. It's been a while since I changed a tire. I kept thinking if I could just finish, I'd be okay. That's why I didn't call."



"John, how did you have a flat? I've seen your Jeep. You have pretty big tires on that thing and it looks like you keep very good care of it. What made your tire blow out, John?" He asked.



John shifted, looking around the room. "I sort of ran off the road."



"John?"



"My mind was wandering and I found myself going headfirst towards a semi." John shrugged.



"John, did you have a flashback while driving?" Dr. Hansen sat up straight.



"No, I was just thinking about the day, about coming back here. ." John said, looking at him.



"Did you want to come back?" Dr. Hansen asked.



"Not at that moment. I was thinking how everything that's happened since I've been here and how it seems that the flashbacks have increased. All the medication is doing is making time with Abby more frustrating than anything and I hurt all the time, hurt inside." John's voice cracked.



Dr. Hansen stopped and watched John. "John, do you think you purposely went into the other lane?" He asked in all seriousness.



John stared for a moment. "I don't think so. I don't know. I hadn't thought of that." He got up and began pacing. "No, I don't think so. When I went off the road, I mean, my heart was beating and I was shaking and thankful I was able to stop. I don't think I tried to kill myself, do you?"



"You were there, John, not me. So, after you got your tire fixed, you came here?"



"Yeah. And the doors were locked. The security guy told me I'd have to check in my keys and wallet. I thought that was pretty stupid since I was just leaving again in the morning. I brought some clothes back with me and Nick came out and insisted they search my stuff. Jesus, what did they think I had hidden in the pockets? I brought back some suits. I can't go to the hospital in jeans so I brought back some work clothes. They tore everything off the hangers, turned all the pockets inside out, wrinkled everything . ." John was beginning to get upset but Dr. Hansen let him go.



"Nick said if I didn't let him, he was going to do a cavity search search. He said I was acting suspicious, that he thought I might be on something. Shit, I'm not in here for that. I've been through that, piss on demand, forced Naltrexone, blood tests, AA and NA meetings, being watched every second I got near the drug lockup. How the hell can a doctor be a doctor when he can't write a prescription? That went on for a fucking year after Atlanta." John was pacing out of frustration now.



"You can write them now, can't you?"



"Yeah, but Weaver still watches me. She doesn't know I know but I've seen her checking my charts, my orders, talking to my patients. I'll never be able to make a move without someone looking over me, following someone's rules."



"Is that what happened yesterday? You became angry because Nick wanted you to follow the rules?" Dr. Hansen asked.



"No, God, no. I really don't have problems following the rules. What upset me yesterday is I have tried to follow the rules but I keep screwing them up. I keep making mistakes. I can't sleep when I should, talk when I should, return when I should, why the hell should I think I'll get well when I should? I just want my life back and I feel like I'm losing my mind! I was fine before I came here and since I've been here, I've freaked out and end up acting like one of my patients! I'm a doctor, for God's sake and I'm crazy! I can't even get through a fucking day without blacking out or doing God only knows what. I remember him yelling at me and the next thing I know, I'm in the shower in my room. I know I did something up there but I can't..." John was so close to tears. "I can't remember what."



"John, how did you feel this morning?" Dr. Hansen asked, having made pages of notes.



"Fine. I woke up, got dressed, and found the place easily. Everyone was very nice and I even ran into a doctor that used to work at County. He made sure I had interesting cases all day and it was fine. I got a tire on the way back and that's what I did. I changed, showered, went to dinner, and just got back from a horseback ride. Today has been okay."



"Do you have any problems with continuing your therapies with Nick?"



"No. I deserved every word he said to me. I acted irrationally and broke the rules. It was my mistake, not his." John finally sat back down, holding his head in his hands.



"John, can you hang out here for just a few moments. I need to go check something." Dr. Hansen stood.



"Sure." John scooted down in the chair and leaned his head back closing his eyes.



Dr. Hansen walked directly to Dr. Sajak's office. Inside sat Nick, who had his arm in a cast.



"What happened to you?" Dr. Hansen asked Nick.



"I punched the wall last night. Stupid." Nick admitted.



"Well, right now I have John in my office and he has given me a complete rundown of his trip home and his day yesterday. He blames himself for breaking the rules and he thinks he deserves everything you said to him."



"What?" Nick exclaimed.



"What exactly do you mean, blames himself?" Dijana asked.



"Well, he thinks because he knows we made an exception with letting him out and he was unable to follow the rules and return on time, he feels that Nick was perfectly in line with yelling at him."



"There's almost two weeks of therapy down the drain." Nick groaned. Dijana stood up.



"He is also having ejaculation problems and feels that all the center is doing is reminding him that he's losing his mind." Dr. Hansen explained. "Besides that, he says he had a good day at the hospital. Even ran into an old friend."



"I'll work on changing his medication and we'll go talk with him right now. Come on." She instructed, leading the way. Both men followed her back to Dr. Hansen's office.



They walked in and could clearly see that John was sound asleep. Dr. Sajak gently shook his shoulder.



"John, it's Dijana. I need for you to wake up." She said calmly.



He blinked his eyes and lifted his head.



"Oh, sorry. I guess I dozed off. Wow, I got the troops." He said, realizing Nick and Dr. Hansen were also there.



"John, I'm concerned with some of the things you told Dr. Hansen." Dijana said.



"What? I talk to you and you interrupt our session and go tell them?" John stood, getting upset again.



"John, I have something to say." Nick stood and he stepped in front of John. "Look, I'm really sorry, I was completely out of line last night."



John shook his head. "No, you were mad and you should have been. I messed up. I broke the rules. I fell asleep. I knew I was tired and I should have stayed awake. It was my fault." John just kept shaking his head.



"John, I was worried and I got angry but I had no right taking it out on you. I never should have yelled at you. I was wrong." Nick said.



"No, I was wrong. I broke the rules, I couldn't do what you wanted, I caused you to worry and get angry. I made the mistakes, I . ."



"John! Count to ten!" Dr. Hansen said sternly. John's head shot up and he met Dr. Hansen's eyes.



"What?" John asked.



"Close your eyes and count to ten." Dr. Hansen demanded.



John sank to the ground, sitting and rocking but he held his head and began counting. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, . ." By eight, he was shaking. "Nine, . " His voice began to crack. "Ten."



"Start again. Start again and again until you feel back in control." Dr. Hansen instructed.



"One, two, three, four, . ." John was obviously crying, "Five, six, seven, . ." He began to sound angry. "Eight, nine, ten."



"Again." Dr. Hansen demanded.



"One, two, three,. ." John sounded very angry. "Four, five, six, seven, . . " He began to calm down. "Eight, nine, ten."



"One more time."



"One, two, three," His rocking ceased. "Four, five, six, . ." his voice began to regain control. "Seven, eight, nine, ten." He ended.



"Before you open your eyes, John, I want you to take three deep breaths and blow them out slowly."



John did as he was instructed. Soon, he slowly looked up and found Dr. Hansen kneeling before him.



"How are you feeling?" Dr. Hansen asked.



"Better." John nodded. He accepted Dr. Hansen's hand up and he turned to Nick.



"I'm sorry, Nick." He said, smiling slightly.



"So am I, John. Do you still want to work with me?" Nick asked. John smiled.



"Easier than breaking in someone else. Sure, why not." John laughed.



"Now, John. Dr. Hansen told me you were having a side effect from your medication? A bit of an ejaculation problem?" Dijana asked.



John turned six shades of red. "Oh, God, you don't have to talk about everything!" He half joked.



"It's okay, honey. We'll change your medication tomorrow. We don't need you any more frustrated than you already are." She teased, placing an arm around his shoulder as they walked out.



"So, tell me all about your day at the hospital."







To be continued....
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