John drove back to the center as fast as he could. He couldn't believe that he'd actually fallen asleep. He didn't mean to. Now he'd be in trouble for returning late. Checking his speedometer, he decided he could get away with going just a bit faster. Driving along in his Jeep, with his extra clothes and brand new stethoscope, he couldn't help but feel better. He turned the radio up loud and tapped on his steering wheel with his hand. Despite the fact that he was late, he was feeling pretty good. The day hadn't been too bad. He had received some very nice gifts, spent time with family and friends and everyone seemed supportive of the steps he was taking to better himself.
Plus, he'd taken a major step. He finally shredded all of Nicole's letters and realized, as he read a few, just how sad she had been, how sick and twisted to make a little boy believe such things. To get his hopes up and to fill his head with such lies and notions of love. After all, what did she know about love? All Nicole knew about was some sort of twisted version of what she called love, some perversion and manipulation of someone who really needed the caring of a grownup but only found torture and heartache.
The more John thought about it, the less he tapped along with the music. He was just beginning his healing, finally able to truly admit that he'd been abused, able to remember hurtful events and emotions that he'd kept buried deep down for so many years. Every night, he re-experienced the same dreams over and over in his head. Sudden flashes of faces or sounds of voices in his head, reminding him of the past. Panic attacks, where he could feel his heart pounding in his chest, the sweat dripping from his brow, his throat closing in, and the numbness in his hands. Therapy sessions where he was being led back into the events, subconsciously and consciously over and over again, reliving the stabbing, the look on Lucy's face as she lay dying, the feelings of Nicole's hands upon his body, the constant feelings of failure.
It was the center, the place he went to for help that made these things flood his head, forced him to relive and remember, to make him talk about how he felt or what he thought. Before the center, he was fine. Went twenty years without a problem. Sure, his life had very little meaning. Of course his relationships failed. It was only natural for him to be responsible for so much pain. God only knew he wasn't deserving of love and friendship and warmth. Praise belongs to others; accomplishments meant for the fortunate few. He just took up space, occupied a shell, and was nothing more than a bother.
Suddenly, John looked up as he saw the front grill of a semi trailer and heard the blaring of the horn as he jerked his steering wheel to the right, taking his Jeep off the road about 250 feet, rolling over bushes and gravel. He felt his front tire blow as he fought to remain in control of his wheel. He pressed steadily on his brakes, panting, feeling his heart in his throat and the sweat pouring off his face as the semi trailer sped by him, causing the Jeep to rock from the aftershock.
"Breathe." He told himself aloud. His whole body shook from the fear, of how close he had been to totally ending it all. Taking several deep breaths, he finally managed to calm his heart down enough to check the condition of his Jeep.
"Dammit!" He groaned, seeing the blown tire. He pulled out his phone, thinking of calling for service but he looked around and realized he didn't even know where he was. He kicked his tire. "Dammit!" He yelled. He checked his watch. "Dammit!" He repeated again.
He opened up the back of his Jeep and looked at his spare. "Okay, John, you can do this." He took several deep breaths and pulled the spare tire out, letting it bounce on the gravel. Finding his jack and lug wrench, he moved to the flat tire.
Figuring this would be no big deal, he set about jacking up the Jeep and loosening the lug nuts. With sweat dripping off his nose, shirt untucked, dirt smudged on his clothes, arms and hands, and skinned knuckles he'd managed to only get three off. He checked his watch, knowing he was already late but now it was well over an hour since he'd left Abby's side.
Briefly, he thought about calling the center but decided instead to keep working. It couldn't take that much longer. Abby even knew how to change a tire. He pushed and pulled on the top nut with every ounce of strength he had. Suddenly the nut gave way and he found himself falling, his fist slamming into the gravel as he fell to his knee.
"Shit!" He groaned, feeling the rocks pressing against his bones. Now, he was pissed. He picked up the lug wrench, placed it on the next nut, and had it off in seconds from the force he slammed against its tightness.
Finally, he had the old tire removed, the spare tire on and the jack lowered. As he placed everything back into the back of the Jeep, he glanced down at himself. His slacks and shirt had dirt all down the front and his hands and arms were filthy. He found an old T-shirt in the back of the Jeep and wiped off as much of the dirt and grime as he could. He shook his head in disgust as he realized how filthy he was. He'd missed Nick's entire session but he didn't care. He was there voluntarily after all. He didn't have to do the program if he didn't want to. Nick had said so himself.
Climbing back into his Jeep, he finally pulled back onto the highway and was once again heading towards the center.
John pulled his Jeep into the lot, got his garment bag and shoulder bag with his shoes from the back, and headed for the front door. He reached for the door and pulled but found that it was locked. "Oh, man." He groaned, checking his watch, it read 10:42 pm. It was past 'lights out' time. All he wanted to do was to go in, take a shower and get ready for his first shift in the morning.
John knocked on the door and prayed this would be easy. Security opened the front door for him and John quickly walked inside, waiting for the guy to unlock the next door.
"You need to sign in." The security guard said. John sighed and set the garment bag and shoulder bag down. They were awkward and his back was already aching from changing the tire.
John wrote his name on the Sign In form and marked down the time. He stood, picked up his stuff, and took a few steps towards the door.
"Can you just open the door?" He asked, seeing the security guard on the phone. He hung up and pulled out a manila envelope.
"You know the rules, Mr. Williams." The guard said. John looked at him like he was crazy and then he realized what the guard was talking about. He picked up the manila envelope and slipped both his keys and his wallet into it and sealed it.
"This is ridiculous. I'm just going to get them back in a few hours." John grumbled, writing his name on the front. He shoved it toward the security guard.
"Now can I go to my room?"
"Not so fast, Mr. Williams. What's in the bags?" The security guard asked, coming up behind John. John turned around, now getting angry.
"It's a suit bag. What do you think is in there? And this one has shoes. I can't wear casual shoes with a suit." He spat. "You want to search these also?"
"Yes, sir. I do need to search your bags." The guard said.
"You've got to be kidding? I brought back some clothes. What's the fucking big deal?" John said, his voice getting louder. At that point, Nick came through the door John was trying so hard to get through.
"Give him your bags, John." Nick said calmly. John stared at Nick in disbelief.
"You aren't kidding, are you?" John asked.
Nick shook his head.
"I'm not fourteen years old, Nick. If I wanted to smuggle something in here, I wouldn't be so stupid as to put it where you could find it." John grumbled as he reluctantly handed his bags to the security guard.
"Watch it, John or I'll do a strip search." Nick warned.
"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" John glared at him.
"You're giving me plenty of reason to believe you're on something, John. Look at how irrational you're behaving." Nick said, watching John's body language.
"Irrational? I'm being fucking irrational? You're the bastard that is having the guy search my bags. Jesus, you people strip away any bit of self-pride we have here. You treat us like children; keep us to your all mighty schedule, talking to us like we're stupid instead of giving us the same respect you demand that we give you. Well, that's bullshit Nick and you know it. We're all adults here. Victims, and we deserve a little of that respect back!"
"Respect? You want respect? Where have you been? I called over two and a half hours ago. Where the hell were you coming from, John? Texas?" Nick couldn't hold back any longer.
"I had car problems, okay?" John spat back.
"No, John, it's not okay. Look, you were supposed to be back here for your 7pm session and you totally blew that off." Nick yelled.
"I fell asleep. Jesus, you should be happy I slept. Isn't that what you people are trying to get me to do? Sleep?" John defended back.
"John, we have bent the rules for you, looked past the rules and even made a few up just for you. Do you think that the rules don't matter just because you checked yourself in? Well, I'll tell you, John. You are no different than anyone else we have here except the others 'want' help. They all follow the rules and don't ask us to change them." Nick explained.
"I have tried to adjust to your rules, Nick. I have tried to sleep when you wanted me to sleep, talked when you wanted me to talk, ate, dressed and shared when you have wanted me to. I'm sorry if my life and my schedule don't fit into yours, Nick but I have tried. I guess it's just one more thing we can add to my incredibly growing list of failures, huh? Just one more thing John can't do, huh?" John glanced over and he saw his belongings strewn all over the security desk, his nicely ironed clothes with the pockets turned out, his shoes being searched and he suddenly felt like the whole world was looking at him.
"You know what? Screw this!" He yelled, pushing the security guard out of his way as he began shoving his belongings back into the bags. "You know what, Nick? You're right. I can't do the program. I can't follow your rules because I think they're ludicrous. Fine. I'll just get my things and stop wasting everyone's time." He reached for the manila envelope to get his keys at the same time Nick came up behind him and touched his shoulder.
"Don't!" John yelled, freezing. "Don't touch me!" He backed away from Nick and the security guard, looking terrified. "Don't touch me!" He yelled but Nick heard it right away. John's voice was different.
"John, come on. We'll get you back to your room where you can get some sleep, okay?" Nick tried to reach out to him but John coward.
"Don't, please? I'll try harder, please? I know I was bad. I can do better. Please don't send me away. I can learn the rules, please?" John felt the wall behind him and he sank to the floor, holding himself as he mumbled.
Mike came out to investigate all the yelling.
"What's going on out here?" He asked Nick. Then he saw John. "Man, what the hell did you do to him?" Mike began to approach John.
Nick turned and slammed his fist against the wall.
"He started doing this when I tried to touch him." Nick explained. He knew what he'd done. He pushed John past certain limits and if anyone should have known better it was him. Mike bent down in front of John.
"I'm sorry. I know I should follow the rules. I didn't mean to be late. I'll be good." John mumbled, looking up into Mike's eyes.
"John, it's Mike. We can go to your room now." Mike smiled and he held out his hand. Without even a hesitation, John accepted his hand and let Mike help him back up from the floor. "Come on, John. I'll get you to your room." Mike said, feeling very protective. He picked up John's bags, glared at Nick, and led John upstairs to his room.
"Come on, John. Let's get you into bed, okay?" Mike suggested, closing the bedroom door behind them.
"I have to . . ."John was staring at his hands and arms, "I had a flat tire, I have to get cleaned up. I need to take a shower." John insisted, unbuttoning his shirt.
"Uh, okay. Maybe it will help you sleep. Yeah, a shower is a good idea." Mike said, hanging up John's garment bag and setting the other on the floor.
John got half way down his shirt and he sat on the bed. He decided his shoes needed to come off first. Mike watched him closely. John carefully removed both his shoes and socks. He set both his shoes neatly together on the floor at the foot of his bed and he walked to the bag where he kept his dirty clothes and placed his socks inside.
"I'm never going to get these stains out." John mumbled, looking at his shirt as he removed it. He pulled off his T-shirt and for the first time, Mike saw the long scar that ran down the front of his abdomen.
"How'd you get that scar?" Mike asked. John looked down at himself as he began to unbuckle his belt. He stopped and ran his fingers down the length.
"Surgery." John said, shaking his head. "I was stabbed in the back at work and they had to go in and repair the damage." He said as he slipped his slacks off. As he stood up, he suddenly felt very dizzy and he began to stumble. Mike was watching closely and was immediately at John's side, helping to steady him.
"Whoa, there, John. You okay?" Mike said, holding on to John's shoulders.
"Yeah, I'm just a little dizzy." John said, appreciative for the physical contact. He stood upright slowly, holding his head.
"Hey, maybe a shower isn't such a good idea. Maybe you should just go to bed." Mike suggested, standing in front of John, still touching his shoulders.
"No, I'm fine." John said, looking at Mike's face. Mike seemed to truly care about John. "Thank you." John whispered, looking into Mike's eyes.
"No problem." Mike said, their eyes locked. Mike felt a strange sexual energy in the air as John leaned forward and pressed his lips gently against Mike's.
"Uh, John, this isn't right." Mike pulled back. He'd never had a guy kiss him before and was surprised at how soft John's lips were but this wasn't right.
"I won't tell anyone." John whispered, touching Mike's face with his hand.
Mike put his hand over John's and smiled. "You need that shower." He brought John's hand down and turned him to walk toward the bathroom.
"Okay, fine. I'll get clean first." John nodded as he walked towards the shower. Mike saw the scars on John's back and felt his pain. He reached to turn on the water for him.
"You still feeling dizzy?" Mike asked, watching anything but John. This made him uncomfortable.
"No, I'm fine." John stepped into the shower and he let the water run over his body.
"I'm gonna just . . you know . . step out just outside the door here, okay?" Mike said as he stepped out of the bathroom.
John let the water soak his face as he held his hands out against the tiles. He took several deep breaths, fully expanding his lungs in his chest and letting the breaths out slowly. "One, two, three... " He closed his eyes and concentrated on counting.
The entire day ran through his mind. His failures with Abby, finding himself on the balcony and not knowing how he's gotten there and his close call with death on the highway was all coming back and stood out in his mind. The more he thought about them the more he tried to remember the good things, the successes of the day. Abby's undying love made him feel warm inside. The commitment of his friends and the personal gifts each one gave him. Everyone put so much thought into his or her gift; each one meant so much to him.
"Hey, John? You okay in there?" Mike called from the doorway. John's head jerked up and he realized Mike was still there. Then he realized what he had done.
"Dammit," he groaned. "I'm fine." He called, leaning forward and banging his forehead against the tile. "Losing my mind but I'm fine." He whispered to himself.
"If you're going to get any sleep before work tomorrow, you probably should speed it up a bit," Mike called.
"Yeah, okay." John realized Mike was right. He poured out some shampoo into his hand and went to work cleaning himself.
A short time later, John turned off the shower and took the towel, wrapping it around his midsection.
"Mike, you can go." John called, looking at himself in the mirror. "I think I can put myself to bed."
"Uh, if you're sure. Hey, the nurse brought your meds by. I'll just set them on the table next to your bed, okay?" Mike said.
"Thanks, Mike. Hey, can you make sure I'm up by 5 am? I've got to be at the hospital by seven." John called from the bathroom.
"Sure. You sure you're okay?"
"I'm fine, Mike. Never been better." John lied. God, he needed to pull himself together. He pulled on a pair of boxers; towel dried his hair and sat on the side of the bed. He looked at his medication sitting on the table.
"Bottom's up." He said quietly, taking the pill. He finished the entire glass of water and sighed. John stood, pulled back the covers and turned off the lights. Crawling into the bed, he found a comfortable spot and wrapped his arms around himself. "I love you, Abby." He said before closing his eyes and trying to go to sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mike sat out on the patio with an incident report. He felt obligated to write up the incident between John and Nick. True, he wasn't there for the entire event but the other security guard had filled Mike in on the details. Mike didn't want to do it but he felt that Nick had acted unprofessionally and that his actions had set off John's episode.
Mike got to the point where he had helped John to his room. He began to write about how John had made a pass at his and kissed him but he decided against it. Mike didn't know any details of John's admission but he'd been working here long enough to pick up a little knowledge about certain traits with certain abuse issues and he was sure that John had been sexually abused. He was also curious about the stabbing John had mentioned. With the bits and pieces he was picking up on, this John Williams was a textbook of multiple problems. He just thanked God that he was an employee, and not a patient.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"John? Hey, John, it's 5am, time to get up." Matt called quietly, shaking John's shoulder gently.
"What?" John rolled over to the disturbing sound.
"Time to get up. Mike said you had to get up for work. Hey, I think it's cool you get to work while you're here." He said watching John rubbing his face.
"Part of my therapy, I think." John mumbled sleepily.
"Yeah, well, I always thought Dr. Sajak had a sadistic side. You want me to have the kitchen get you some breakfast?" Matt walked towards the door.
"Coffee....and maybe a piece of toast?" John asked as he sat up, running his hands through his hair.
"Got it, I'll tell Amanda to bring it out on the patio."
John managed to pull himself up and into another shower, to wake himself up. It had been over a week since he'd worked and he was a little nervous. He'd worked almost his entire career at county and it felt weird to be going in to another hospital.
"Morning, John. Here's your coffee." Matt smiled, handing John a to-go-mug with his first name on it, filled with steaming hot coffee. "I know that you said you didn't want anyone celebrating your birthday but I wanted to get you something.
"Thanks, Matt. This I can really use," John said gratefully.
Matt checked out the way John was dressed. "Damn, you clean up pretty good," he teased. So, how was your birthday trip? Get some special time with your girlfriend?"
"A bit." John smiled.
"So, how'd it feel to get outta here?" Matt sat next to John with his own coffee.
"Weird. I think I realized how much I need to be here right now." John admitted, lighting his first cigarette of the day. One of the cooks brought out several pieces of toast and a small bowl of fruit and set them in front of John.
"Here you go, Mr. Williams. Make sure you have some of that fruit, okay?" She smiled.
"I will. Thanks." John smiled.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dr. Sajak came in to work not long after John had left. She went into her office to read the evening reports.
"Mike?" Dijana said, coming out of her office.
"Yes, ma'am?" He replied.
"Come in to my office, please?" She requested. Mike followed. "Shut the door, will you?"
"Yes, ma'am." He obeyed, taking his seat across from her at the desk.
"I've just read your incident report. Can you explain to me what happened?" She asked, very concerned.
"Uh, well, it's pretty much what I documented. John had a session with Nick at 7pm and I know Nick was really worried when he didn't show up. I overheard Nick calling him at 8pm and I think he talked to John's girlfriend. He said John had fallen asleep and was on his way. By 10pm, Nick was climbing the walls. John finally got here at 10:42. That's the time he signed in. He'd obviously had car problems; his clothes were all rumbled and dirty. The security guard said Nick started asking him all sorts of questions. John didn't want to turn over his keys or wallet and Nick insisted the guard search his bag. He had shoes and some books in a shoulder bag and some nice clothes in a garment bag. Nick said that we'd changed the rules for John, that we made all kinds of exceptions for him and John must not have felt he needed to follow the rules." He explained.
"Was John getting agitated at this point?" Dijana asked.
"Obviously. John said that we stripped people of their dignity and all John wanted was some respect, the same respect the staff required from the patients. John got pissed seeing his stuff all gone through and I guess, decided he'd had enough. He began to shove his stuff back into the bags like he was going to leave and Nick came up behind him and touched his shoulder. Now, I got all this stuff from the security guard. I was getting some coffee and I heard a lot of yelling, both John and Nick."
"Nick's voice was raised?" She asked.
Mike nodded. "Oh, yeah. He was yelling as much as John was. Anyway, when I came into the lobby, I saw Nick punch the wall and John was all huddled against the farthest wall, saying he'd try to follow the rules and that he'd do better. Dr. Sajak, he was acting the same way he did with Geneen. When he gets pushed past a certain point, he just looses it. I was able to get him back to his room." Mike said, not sure if he should tell Dr. Sajak about the part he didn't document.
"Did you have any problems with him?" She made a few notes for herself.
"Uh, no, I've never had problems with John." He smiled. "I knelt in front of him and he took my hand right away."
"Do you think he would have done that with Nick?" Dijana asked, curious. John had obviously developed a trust in Mike.
Mike laughed. "Uh, sorry but no, I think he was afraid of Nick at that moment."
"So, what happened once you got John into his room. I don't see anything documented on that."
Mike shifted nervously. "Uh, he took a shower and went to bed," he said. Dijana looked at him closely.
"Mike, I need to know what happened," she stated clearly.
"Look, I don't want to get the guy in trouble," Mike said.
"He won't be in trouble, Mike but if John did something, I need to know about it. He was still in an altered state when you two returned to the room, correct?" She questioned.
"Yeah. We went into his room and he started unbuttoning his shirt, saying he was dirty. Half way through his shirt, he sat on the bed and took his shoes off. He was moving real weird, like really slow and he kept looking at his hands. He had a flat on the way back and they were dirty but it really seemed to bother him. Anyway, he got his shoes off and took off his shirts on the way to the bathroom. I saw the scar on his abdomen and I asked him how he got it. He stopped undoing his belt and ran his fingers down it, telling me it was from surgery from when he was stabbed in the back, I think. He said they had to go in and fix the damage. When he stood up, he got real dizzy and almost fell over." He explained, pausing. "I ran over and held him up, helping him stand." He shifted. "Uh, Dr. Sajak, I know he has a girlfriend and everything and hey, I only date women, you know but the way he looked at me, man, I have never felt that kind of energy with anyone," he blushed.
"A sexual energy?" She asked. Mike nodded. "Were you still touching him?"
"Uh, just on the shoulders, ma'am. It was him that leaned in and kissed me. I didn't do anything." He said in his own defense.
"How long or far did this kiss go, Mike?" She asked.
"No where, ma'am. I pulled away but I didn't want him going postal on me so I just told him it was wrong. He touched my cheek with his hand, real gentle, you know, and I placed my hand on his, brought it down to his side and turned him towards the bathroom. He thought I wanted him clean before, you know," he blushed. "Ma'am, I didn't do anything wrong."
"Mike," she smiled, "I'm just glad you were on last night."
"Well, I turned on the shower and told him I'd wait outside the bathroom. He was really quiet and I kept asking if he was okay. He said he was fine. By the time he got out, he sounded better. He said he could put himself to bed and that I could leave. His nurse brought his pill and I put it on the nightstand and left him," he shrugged.
Dr. Sajak sighed, "Mike, I need to let you know that John was sexually abused as a child and I'm sorry he did that to you. Do you need to talk about it?" She asked.
Mike laughed. "No, ma'am, I'm okay. Don't tell anyone but he's a good kisser." He said, making Dijana laugh.
"I won't tell." She giggled. "Look, Mike, do you mind if I ask you to keep a special eye on him while you're here? He's working today and I'm not sure how he's going to be tonight. He may be fine being back in a familiar environment but it may backfire. I think I may come back myself but it depends on how he is when he first gets back."
"Dr. Sajak, I'll do whatever you want. He's really a great guy. We have a blast on the basketball court," he smiled.
"Okay, Mike. Thank you for your honesty. Why don't you go home now and get some sleep. I'll need you on target tonight." She smiled.
Once Mike left her office, Dijana sighed and held her forehead. Then she picked up the phone and dialed Nick's number.
"Uh, hello, Nick. It's Dijana," she said into the machine. "Look, I know you're probably still on your way home but I need you back here to discuss what happened with John last night. Give me a call when you get in. Thanks." She hung up the phone.
To be continued....
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n