John lined up his queue and thrust his stick forward, hitting the ball just right of center, sending the balls flying across the table, shooting the solids directly into the left and right corner pockets.
"Yes!" He yelled joyfully. One of the other patients gave him a high-five. He scoped out the table, planning his next move. "Red, center pocket."
"No way, dude." His opponent laughed. John smiled and winked. After chalking his stick, he leaned over to line up his almost impossible shot.
Suddenly, a muscle spasm shot through his entire back causing him to stumble on his weakened left leg and scratch.
"Oh, God." He groaned, holding onto the table as the pain almost paralyzed him.
"John, you okay?" Dr. Bowers asked. He happened to be walking by when he saw John collapse. John had let himself down to the ground where he tried to will the spasm to stop.
"Yeah, I'm okay." John took several deep breaths and finally the pain subsided. He accepted Dr. Bower's hand up.
"You win by default but I'll get you later." John joked with his winning opponent.
"You okay, man?" The guy asked. John laughed it off.
"Old war injury. I'm fine." John limped to the sofa and leaned up against the back.
"John, you should come over to the medical center and let me take a look at that." Dr. Bowers said.
"Not today, doc. I'm trying to stay away from that place, if you don't mind. Besides, there's nothing you can do. I just bent wrong." He shrugged.
"John," Dijana entered. "Can you come to my office?" She continued walking. John looked up in surprise. He knew she was visiting with his family this morning and he was very interested in how it went.
"Uh, sure. Later." He said, following Dijana, limping at first but working out the cramp.
"Have a seat, John." Dijana said, taking off her jacket.
She turned around and smiled.
"Well, you're smiling. I guess that means Gamma didn't throw you out. Who all was there?" He said, nervously fidgeting.
"Oh, let's see, Eleanor, Millicent, Jack, Barbara and Abby." She said, sitting down.
"Oh, man, they've sucked her in already." He buried his face in his hands.
"You sound like you're in a good mood today?" She questioned. He looked up and smiled. Dijana noticed how adorable he could be when he felt good.
"I am. I beat the pants off Mike in basketball, won two games of pool and spent a couple of hours out at the stables all alone," he said.
"John, it's not even noon yet," she commented.
"I've been up for a while. So, tell me," he begged.
"It went well," she said. "In fact, I think they're ready to help. Barbara and Abby are going to a support group this evening after Abby gets off work and your mother and father will be up here in...." She checked her watch. "About four hours."
"My mother AND father? Together? In the same room?" He asked, amazed. Dijana laughed.
"Yes, John. Why is that so amazing?" She laughed.
"Well, they haven't spoken to each other in months unless it was through me. I'm just surprised, that's all." He said, smiling.
"Why don't you go get some lunch so that you're ready for your session with Veronica, okay?" She suggested.
"You're not going to tell me what you talked about, are you?" He asked. Dijana mimicked locking her lips and throwing away the key.
"Nope." She smiled.
John stood up, shaking his head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Okay, John, I want you to relax for me, Honey." Veronica gently stroked his face. John listened as she spoke softly to him, sending him completely under with her soothing voice. Dr. Hansen sat on one side and Veronica sat on the other side.
"Good. John, this is Veronica. I'm here with Dr. Hansen. Do you remember who Dr. Hansen is?" She asked.
"Yes." He said.
"Where are you, Honey?" She questioned, moving back to her chair.
"In the pillow room." He smiled.
"Good. Okay, John. We're going to go back in time, to a shift at the hospital. I need you to remember the time that Paul Sobriki, the man who stabbed you was admitted again as a patient after your stabbing." She coaxed, watching John's breathing change. She allowed him time to get completely back in his mind.
"Okay, John. Tell me how you felt the first time you saw him." She said.
"I didn't see him at first." He shook his head. "I was giving Abby an update on a diarrhea patient and suddenly she started talking to me about a 5 year old with abdominal pain. I thought is sounded a bit strange that she was presenting me with a patient but she seemed concerned. I asked her if there was any blood in his stool and she said he had a papule mass. Then I heard him." He stopped, his body beginning to shake. "He said 'Hey Sweetheart.' He was coming back from getting a head CT and his wife and two year old child were waiting for him. They were this 'perfect picture' of a normal family.
"John, what were you feeling at this point?" Dr. Hansen asked. John thought for a moment.
"Fear, rage, confusion." He said, rubbing the inside of his wrist. Veronica pointed the actions out to Dr. Hansen.
"He was telling his daughter that he was okay, that daddy slipped and he fell. Abby tried to keep me from knowing he was there. He was saying that they had put him in restraints as a precaution because we were a little paranoid." He laughed sarcastically. "Oh, yeah, we were paranoid all right. I turned around and there he was, his wife standing by, holding his baby. No cuffs, no restraints, free as anyone in the ER."
"John, what did you feel when you looked at him for the first time since the stabbing?" Veronica asked.
"I thought he would look like a monster. I thought it would be obvious that he was crazy but …he…looked so harmless…so normal. When he noticed me, he said 'Ah, it's you.' He said 'I'm sorry.' I asked Abby what happened, what was he doing here and his wife said he had slipped and fallen outside his office building. I questioned 'his office building?' and his wife said he was on conditional release."
"Did this make you angry?" Veronica asked. John shook his head.
"Angry? No, not angry. Infuriated, yes. Like I wanted to kill him, yes. I said 'You're out' and he said 'I'm better' and he apologized again. He said it wasn't him that did that to me, to my friend, that I should know that, right? He said 'You're a doctor, you know it's a disease.' He said he was being treated and that he was okay now. I said 'Great, I'm glad you're okay now.' Then I walked very quickly to the bathroom."
"What happened on your way to the bathroom?" Dr. Hansen asked. John held his head and began to rock.
"I saw her face, lying on the floor, her pale skin, the blood, so much blood. She was awake. She knew what happened. Oh, God, why did she have to die? Why didn't I listen to her? Why didn't I get on the phone and call DeRaad myself for the consult? If I hadn't been angry with her, I would have taken the time."
"John, why were you two fighting? You told me before that you had slept together two nights before. What were you and Lucy fighting about?" Veronica asked.
John stifled a sob. "She said…we both knew it was a mistake…She said we couldn't…she said it was just sex. She said I was too closed off emotionally to start a relationship with her." He said very quietly.
"You wanted more?" Veronica asked.
John was very quiet and ignored the question. "That night, I went home and have the first fight in my life with my mother."
"Your first fight? What did you two fight about?" Dr. Hansen asked.
John shook his head slightly. "I was so unfair. See, my mother had just shown up out of the blue after months of not seeing her. I'd been taking care of Gamma after she fell and broke her hip and I'd been arranging her home care nurses and all. Well, I came home that evening and my mother had sent the nurse home early. She took it upon herself to make that decision when I was Gamma's doctor, I was taking care of her."
"John, did you feel like your mother was trying to take control?" Dr. Hansen asked.
John laughed. "My mother hasn't been in control for twenty years. She said she was staying, even if she was unwelcome. God, it wasn't that she was unwelcome. It was that she came in, playing 'mother' when she hadn't been my mother for twenty years. I attacked her, telling her she's checked out of this family twenty years ago. I had all these years of built up frustration, I was still angry about Sobriki and I guess it just all came boiling to the surface. I needed to beat her down, to destroy her, to do what all the men in my family did to the women. I kept yelling at her, going on to blame her for not being there for me when I got stabbed. She asked if I was going to blame her for taking the drugs also and I told her I blamed her for not being my mother. Bobby died and I lost a mother." He stated. "I broke her down and she asked permission to leave the room. I'd broken her like my dad broke her every time they fought. You know when you become an adult and suddenly you realize you've become your parents? No matter how much you tried not to? At that moment, I'd become a Carter and I hated everything about me. I hated the rage, the fear, that things like some young guy with a head lac coming in to the ER and having that kind of affect over me. I hated that Sobriki had a wife and child and a normal life and here I was, still traumatized, still scared, still looking over my shoulder for someone coming up behind me, for being weak. I hated myself." He said sadly, running his hands through his hair and resting one on the back of his neck.
"John, I want you to go back to the moment you looked at that man who stabbed you. I want you to look at him closely." Veronica led.
John scrunched up his face and then seemed to relax his facial muscles.
"John, I want you to look at him. Is that man an animal?" She asked.
"No." John said, quietly.
"John, the man that stabbed you and killed Lucy had a mental condition called schizophrenia. It is a disease that is treatable with medication. He did not intentionally stab you or Lucy. The man that stabbed you was not Paul Sobriki. The man that stabbed you was a monster but it was not this man." She explained slowly. "John, we all have a monster inside us." She paused. "John, have you seen your monster?"
He nodded. "Yes." He whispered.
"John, you have control. You have the ability to control this monster. You have the ability to stay in control." Veronica said.
"No." John shook his head. "It's stronger than I am."
"John, you have to control it. You have the choice to control it or let it control you, do you understand?" She asked.
Slowly, John began nodding.
"John, take me back to the night you were stabbed. When you woke, what was your first thought?" They watched John's body tense up and his breathing become shallow and quick. Veronica was sure that if she checked his pulse at this moment, it would be racing. "What's the first thing you become aware of, John?"
"Lights. She's shining a light in my eyes and it hurts. Oh, God, my back!" John groaned, his hand going to his back and his body writhing in remembered pain. "Please make it stop, please!" He begged, reaching out and grasping onto Veronica's wrist tightly. Dr. Hansen reached out to remove John's grasp but Veronica shook her head.
"John, I want you to see Sobriki's face. Remember what he looked like when you first saw him before you were stabbed and look at his face when he returned to the hospital two years later. Is this man a monster?" Veronica urged.
"He killed Lucy!" John gritted his teeth, his entire body experiencing the identical pain that he'd experienced that night. Sweat broke out on his brow and his skin became clammy.
"John, is that man, that voice of a monster?" Veronica insisted.
"No." John cried.
"When the people who love you, who cared enough to run an intervention when you were abusing drugs confronted you, did you blame Sobriki?" She continued, talking quickly, making John have to think quickly.
"Yes, it was his fault!" John yelled back.
"Did Sobriki make you inject Fentanyl into your wrists?" She demanded.
"Yes, it was his fault!" He insisted.
"John, picture his face. Did this man make you abuse your medication? Did this man make you inject painkillers into your bloodstream?" Veronica continued.
"Yes!" He spat, crying.
"Who made you take the drugs?"
"Sobriki!" He persisted.
"John, who drew up the Fentanyl and brought the needle to your skin?"
"I did!" He cried. "I did it to myself because I hated what I'd become! The pain was constant! Oh, God, it hurt so much and was so hard. Everyone looked at me like I was going crazy. I just wanted my life back. I just wanted to be normal again." He curled up on his side, holding himself. Veronica let out a deep breath.
"John." She started again in a much softer tone. "Look at his face. I want you to hear his voice."
John held his hands over his ears and began rocking.
"Is that the voice of a monster, of a killer?"
"No," he sobbed.
"No, it's not, John. I'm sorry you were stabbed, Honey and I'm sorry Lucy was killed but sometimes really sad things happen to good people, right?" She soothed.
"And you have the choice now as to whether or not you let this affect the rest of your life or you get on with your life. You have already lost two years. How much more time are you going to lose, John? You are missing out on life because it's going to happen to you anyway. People are going to come and go. People are going to love you and care about you. You have to learn to let them in, Darling, because you are missing out on so much, so many experiences. It's time to put Sobriki in your past and for you, John, to move on."
John nodded and his rocking slowed a bit.
"John, who was there for you? Who tried to protect you from Sobriki?"
"Abby," he whispered.
"And who caught you mainlining in the ER?"
"Abby."
"John, if Abby wouldn't have caught you, what would you be like now?
"Dead."
"And who stopped that from happening?"
"Abby."
"John, Nicole was a sick person who took advantage of a scared, lonely little boy. She did things that no little boy should ever have had done to them but Abby is not Nicole. None of the women you have been with are Nicole. No one is ever going to hurt you the way Nicole hurt you. Do you understand?" She said softly.
"Yes," he said.
"What Nicole did to you was wrong. She did not love you. She used you for her own perverse pleasure. Do you understand that?" She asked.
"Yes."
"It's time to grow up, John. It's time to take control of your life. You do not have to be your parents, Honey. You have the choice to be what and who you want to be, do you understand that?"
"Yes," he admitted.
"Good. Now, John, I need you to wake up for me, Honey. I need you to come back to me now but I want you to come back remembering that you have the control over your actions, Sweetie. You can chose to let these horrible things that have happened to you affect you in a negative manner, which you have been or you can take their power away and latch onto it and use it, all right? Baby, there are so many people out there who love you and believe in you for who you are, not who you think they want you to be. We love you for you." She stroked his face gently. "Wake up for me, Baby."
Slowly John flinched and relaxed his body. His eyelids flickered as he began to become aware of where he was. Then, slowly, he opened his eyes.
"Hi." He whispered, looking into Veronica's eyes.
"Hi, Honey." She smiled back.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John sat on the back patio, nervously chewing on his thumb and smoking one cigarette after the other. His parents had arrived, or so he was told but Dijana had asked for some time alone with them before John came in to join them. Dijana had also asked Veronica to join them since she knew a side to John that Dijana was still just now being introduced to.
Nick had just come on for his shift when he noticed John's nervous fidgeting. He decided to join him on the patio.
"Hey, John. You okay?" Nick asked, taking a seat across from him.
"Yeah, why? Don't I look okay?" John asked. He'd taken a shower, dressed a bit nicer than the sweats and t-shirt he'd been wearing, and he looked down at himself.
Nick chuckled. "No, you look fine. I was just wondering if you were going to have any room for dinner. I mean, after you eat your thumb." He pointed. John blushed.
"I didn't even realize I was doing that. God, I thought I broke that habit years ago." He smiled, playing with his cigarette pack.
"I read that you had a good session this afternoon." Nick commented.
"Yeah, I think so. It's going to take a while for all this stuff to sink in, though." John laughed.
"True. I hear Dijana went to speak with your parents this morning."
"Uh, yeah. They're actually in there right now. I still can't believe they came all the way here to attend a session. I'm not sure which I'm more blown away with, the fact that they didn't kill each other on their way out here or the fact that they actually came here and want to have a session. My family doesn't exactly handle reality very well. I think it has something to do with growing up in that sort of protected environment that puts a different spin on things." John motioned with his fingers.
"I wouldn't know. I grew up dirt poor." Nick laughed.
"Sometimes I wish I would have. I mean, sure, having money is nice but there is so much pressure that goes along with it. When you are part of that culture, people expect you to act a certain way or behave a particular way and as long as you surround yourself with those people, it's fine. I chose to venture out into the real world." John explained. "My parents, once they finally accepted me being a doctor, had hoped for me to go into cardiology. When I transferred from the surgical team to the emergency room, I think they turned their backs on me. You can't brag about your son at cocktail parties when he just works in the ER. You can if he's a surgeon or Cardiologist. I think I kind of burst their bubble." John smiled.
"Didn't you like surgery or cardiology?" Nick asked. He really had no idea what kind of doctor John truly was.
"I liked surgery, I don't know. I think I had trouble with the whole slice 'em and dice 'em and send them on mentality that surgeons have. They live for the next complicated surgery. They see the patient as a body of organs. I wanted to know how the person felt, what they experienced, how the surgery affected them, you know? I spent way too much time talking with my patients than I should have. I'm better at patient care and I love trauma. That sounds sick but the adrenaline rush you get when that ambulance pulls up just outside the bay and you see those doors swing open, God, there's nothing like it. Sure, I deal with the everyday stuff but it's the person I enjoy treating, not the symptom or the injury. I want to make sure they're okay." John noticed Nick smiling. "What?"
"Oh, nothing." Nick got up. "I just bet you're a good doctor."
John smiled and thought about that. "I am. I am a good doctor." He said, watching Nick return inside, laughing to himself.
"John?" Dijana stepped outside. "You ready?"
He looked at her and a wave of panic flooded his body.
"Take some deep breaths, John. It's going to be fine." She encouraged. He took several breaths and stood to follow.
John walked into her office and he saw his parents immediately. Veronica sat on a chair and his parents sat on the sofa, a safe distance between them. His mother looked beautiful but he could tell she'd been crying. Even his father looked like he was teetering on the emotional side. John smiled, gave his mother a brief, non-committal hug, and shook his father's hand.
"John, I'm going to give you the choice of sitting over here on your own or you may sit on the sofa between your parents." Dijana said. John looked quickly at Veronica who winked, making him smile.
"I need to sit over here, if that's okay." John motioned to the chair.
"Suit yourself." Jack said, sitting back on the sofa.
"All right. Now, John, you are aware that I met with your parents this morning, are you not?" Dijana asked, taking a chair near John.
"Yes, ma'am." John said, suddenly feeling like he was ten and he'd been called into the principle's office.
"And you gave your permission for me to show them the videotape of your sessions with Dr. Montgomery before you entered this program, right?" She asked.
"Uh, yes." John looked down at the floor, unable to look in his parent's eyes.
"Based on this previous meeting and after viewing this tape, your parents have agreed to come here and see if they can help you in your recovery." Dijana sounded so professional. John glanced up at her and nodded quickly.
"I understand."
Dijana placed her hand on John's knee, which he was bouncing since the minute he sat down. He looked up at her, startled by the touch.
"John, you haven't looked your parents in the eye yet. Can you do that for me? Can you meet their eyes?"
She could see the fear in him as he stared at her. Slowly he turned his head toward his parents. His eyes did a quick snap up and back down to Jack and he forced himself to look at his mother's eyes for the first time.
John's heart broke when he saw the pain, the sorrow in her eyes as tears ran down her face. He looked over at his father, the regal Jack Carter, proud, hard, cold, and John crumbled. Jack also had tears in his eyes as they locked for what felt like forever. John looked back at his mother. "I'm sorry, Mom." He said in a childlike voice, unable to get much over a whisper.
Jack Carter suddenly stood, as did John, more out of habit than anything else. The two men looked at one another and in one fluid movement, Jack stepped forward and took his son into his arms.
"I'm so sorry, Dad." John cried as his father, proud, hard, cold Jack Carter kissed his son's head.
"I love you, John."
To be continued....
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n