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John and Abby sat in the center of the beanbags; Abby nestled securely in front with John's legs wrapped around her, his chin resting on her shoulder. Veronica and Brandon sat nearby as did Luka, Dijana, Dr. Bowers, and Nick. Dr. Hansen stood addressing the group.



"John, we've been meeting most of the afternoon and I believe that we've come up with a plan of action, if I may. We're all in agreement that our planned schedule hasn't met your needs and some adjustments are in order.



"I tried." John said apologetically.



"We know you have, John. We're not here to say nothing has worked." Dijana commented.



"I believe you'll agree that we have made some progress over the last week." Dr. Hansen stated. John nodded.



"This is, however, the point that things get hard." Dr. Hansen continued.



John's hand tightened on Abby's and she could feel his heart racing against her back.



"He's scared." Abby said, admitting what John couldn't.



"John, are you scared?" Nick asked. John reluctantly nodded.



"It's a feeling I'm getting used to, though." John admitted.



"Well, let's hope that eventually, you will begin to feel some control over your life again, John. That's what our goal is. First of all, we're putting you to work." Dr. Hansen said.



"They did the same thing to me," Luka snickered quietly.



"John, as soon as I can arrange it, I'm going to set you up to work thru a local agency as a temporary physician. We'll start with a couple shifts a week at the local hospital. I know the hospital in town always needs help. I'd love to have you working in the medical center here, but because you're still a patient that's just not possible. We're also going to begin stress inoculation training, which you'll learn ways to deal with your reactions to the triggers of your memories. We're also going to bring you back to the traumatic episodes through hypnosis. You'll be reliving the events over and over and hopefully, will eventually become desensitized to the events. Random thoughts are always scary but if you get used to the thoughts and learn you have control over how you react to them, this should give you the power to change your behaviors," he explained.



"John, we'd also like to try another approach. It's called EMDR, or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Have you heard of it?" Dijana asked.



John shook his head. "No."



"All right. We'll guide you back to the trauma, consciously and alert while you focus on my finger or to a beat. You'll concentrate and experience the events, like the stabbings repeatedly until they lose their impact. Hopefully, between these and the increased dosage we started you on Friday will all coincide and work together." Dijana explained.



John let out a deep breath. "No other way around this, huh?" He said.



"Sure, you can walk out that door anytime you want, John. You know that." Dr. Hansen said.



"Right now, that's as scary as everything else is," he kidded.



"Abby, you have some work to do, also." Dijana said.



Abby turned to her, confused. "What?" She asked.



"You know about the sexual abuse, right?" Dijana asked.



John looked quickly at Luka, not knowing how much he knew. Luka just smiled slightly and nodded.



"Yes." Abby said.



"Have you attended any of the groups I told Veronica about back in Chicago?" Dijana asked.



"Just one, with Veronica. Luka and Kerry were also there," Abby said.



"John you don't have any objections to Kerry working with us as part of your support system?" Dijana asked. She wasn't sure that John even realized that he had asked her to be taken off his contact list.



"No, why would I?" John seemed confused by her question. Dijana made a note to replace Kerry's name as a contact. . It was clear to her that when John had told her to remove Kerry's name off his contact list, he was already well into his episode and had no recollection of doing so.



"John's sister is also wanting to help. She can be Abby's support." Veronica added.



"So, you do have some family support?" Dijana asked, very surprised.



"Surprise to me, also." John smiled.



"The rest of your family is there for you also." Luka said.



John looked at him, shocked.



"My family? Abby, how much does my family know?" He asked, pulling back slightly.



Abby turned somewhat to look at him. "John, they know. Millicent was going to hire a private investigator to find you. Barbara told them." She said, seeing the humiliation on his face.



John looked at Dijana and then to Luka.



"They need to be involved." Luka said quietly. "You are lucky, John. They care about you more than you know. They can help."



"They'll never agree." John shook his head.



"John, you'd be surprised." Abby said. "Your mother told us about her own hospitalization."



"When?" He asked.



"After Bobby died. Your grandfather had your father commit her to a psychiatric hospital for 6 months." Abby explained.



John thought for a few moments. "I guess it runs in the family." He shrugged, unable to believe his family would be the least bit supportive.



"John, I'd like you to talk to them, see if they'll attend some sessions with you." Dr. Hansen asked.



"That will never happen." John laughed at the very thought. These people obviously didn't know his family very well.



"John, your family does have a reputation for being quite cold," Nick started.



"You know who my family is, don't you?" John realized, looking around the room at the faces that they all knew he was a Carter.



Nick smiled. "You've mentioned it a couple of times during your episodes."



"Oh, great. What's the use of confidentiality then?" He spat, slightly annoyed.



"John, none of the other patients know. Only a few of us, I believe Matt knows but that's it." Nick said.



"John, I'd like you to ask them. What's the most they can say? No? Then you get the response you expected but what if they say yes? What if they want to help?" Dijana asked.



"They can help, John. I know they want to. This was all news to them also." Abby said.



"I haven't been close to my family in twenty years." He said, lost in thought.



"Maybe it's time for that to change." Abby shrugged.



John just looked stunned. "Maybe it is." John hugged her back against his chest.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



"I love you, John." Abby said.



"I love you, too. I wish you didn't have to go." John held onto her, tightly pressing her entire body against his.



"You'll see her again in three days." Brandon teased.



Dijana had insisted that John needed to begin to celebrate his birthday and during his first celebration, he needed some alone time with Abby.



"I can't wait." She smiled, kissing him gently. She knew John was scared but he'd agreed. He also agreed to allow her to speak to his family first with the help from Barbara.



"You do know what some of the side effects of the medication they have me on are, right?" He warned.



"Won't be a problem." Abby smiled. She knew that Paxil could cause decreased sex drive, impotence, or difficulty having an orgasm. "I just want to be with you, alone. We could just stay up all night talking." She said, playing with his collar.



"We'll be back tomorrow, Darling." Veronica kissed his cheek. She and Brandon had gotten a hotel room in town so they could take an active roll in his therapy sessions.



"Thank you, both of you." John smiled, blushing slightly.



"Sweet dreams, Baby." Brandon also kissed him.



"Tonight I think I will." John pulled back blushing as he realized Luka had been watching.



"We should go, also, Abby." Luka suggested.



John put out his hand towards Luka. "Thank you for bringing Abby out here. I appreciate all your help, Luka." John said as Luka shook his hand.



"You realize we'll still have to act like we can't stand each other." Luka joked. John smiled.



"Yeah, I know." He said. He gave Abby one last kiss, so intense, Luka needed to look away. He wondered if Abby looked like that when he'd kiss her. Sure, they'd been together but Luka wasn't too proud to realize that John was her 'once in a lifetime true love'.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



Dijana drove into Chicago first thing Sunday morning. Abby had called and said the Carter's were willing to meet with her but only at the Carter mansion. After getting directions, Dijana had arranged to meet Barbara and Abby there. She knew she was going to need to convince this family that their son had a problem and she had the videotape, as proof to back her statements.



John had been very nervous about allowing her to show the tape, but it was their best proof. He had reluctantly given her permission to meet with the family first since Barbara had made it very clear that Jack still had trouble believing any of the statements being made.



Henry opened the door as Dijana ascended the steps. "Dr. Sajak." He greeted.



"Hello. Yes, I am Dr. Sajak." She said, having been in several grand homes in her life but this was by far, the grandest.



"The Carter family is in the sitting room. This way." Henry led the way. Dijana stopped when she noticed the portrait on the wall of the two young boys.



"Is this John and Bobby?" She asked.



"Yes, Ma'am. This way." He stood in the entryway. "Mrs. Carter, Dr. Sajak has arrived."



"Thank you, Henry. Dr. Sajak, welcome." Millicent stated, wheeling her chair to greet Dijana. "I'm Millicent Carter and this is my daughter-in-law, Eleanor, John's mother. Please, have a seat."



"Thank you. Will John's father be joining us?" Dijana asked.



"Reluctantly, yes." Jack said from the doorway. "Although I do believe this whole thing is poppycock. There is no way that anything happened when John was growing up. Its just delusions of a little boy who doesn't feel he received enough attention while his family mourned the loss of his brother." Jack stated, joining the women with a drink in his hand.



"You'll have to excuse my son." Millicent stated. "He still has a bit of a problem believing the accusations made by John's sister."



"Well, now you'll get a chance to hear them from John himself." Dijana offered, holding up a videotape.



"We didn't miss anything, did we?" Barbara and Abby entered the room. "Hello, you must be Dr. Sajak. I'm Barbara, John's sister."



"Pleased to meet you." Dijana said, giving Abby a slight hug.



"Dr. Sajak is here trying to convince your father that the statements you made the other day were indeed correct." Millicent said to Barbara but made sure Jack heard.



"About Nicole?" Abby asked, confused. "How could he not believe Barbara? Does he think we made this whole thing up?"



"Yes, dear, and Dr. Sajak has brought with her a videotape of John, I believe." Millicent said.



Abby looked at the tape and realized it was probably from Veronica's sessions. "Is that from Veronica?" She asked.



"Yes, Abby, it is. I have taken out several sections and brought only the pertinent sections dealing with the abuse. Shall we? I'd be happy to discuss it after everyone has viewed the session." Dijana announced.



"Is this John's taped confession?" Jack stated, a sarcastic edge to his voice.



"No, actually, Mr. Carter, it is two different hypnosis sessions that were held before he entered my program but as I'm sure you will see, they are very revealing in themselves. Shall we?" Dijana said, glaring at Jack, who motioned for her to put the tape in.



Abby sat next to Eleanor, and they both sat on the edge of the sofa. Barbara sat next to Millicent while Jack stood at the back of the room. Dijana put the tape in and pressed play.



The tape began and they saw John, obviously upset, lying on a sofa in an office. Veronica's voice was heard.

*****



"Okay, John, it's okay. We don't have to talk about that. Why don't you tell me about your first love? Who was your first love, John?" Slowly, John's body began to relax.



"You already know," he smiled shyly.



"Nicole?" She questioned.



He smiled and nodded. "Yes," he said clearly.



"Your maid?" She needed to clarify.



"She wasn't my maid. She worked for my parents. She was my friend." He smiled, sounding like a child.



*****

Jack snickered from the back of the room, still believing this entire thing was all just contrived to get attention.

*****



"John, how old are you?" Veronica asked.



"Twelve," he said, sounding just like a twelve year old. Even his facial expressions changed.



"So, you and Nicole are having a sexual relationship now, aren't you?" She asked. He smiled and nodded.



"She really loves me. She tells me so every time I come home from school. She writes me almost every day, too. I can't let anyone see what she writes. They're my own private letters," he said smugly.



*****

"He used to always hide these letters when he came home from school. He used to keep them under his bed." Eleanor said.

*****



"Does she write about sex in these letters, John?"



"Sometimes. Mostly she writes about how much she misses me and how lonely it is in the house with my parents away all the time. She's been working over at Gamma's when they go away. Grandfather hired a new gardener and she tells me about him. She says Algier is mean to her. Tells her to stop writing me but she doesn't. He even burned one of the letters she wrote to me but she sent a new one. Algier doesn't understand," he explained.



*****

"I never did trust that girl," Millicent said.

*****



"John, are other boys at school having sexual relations with other girls?" Veronica asked.



He immediately shook his head. "Nope. Nicole says that's what makes me special. She says I get better each time I come home. See, I practice…" He began.



"Practice what?" She asked.



*****

Both Abby and Eleanor had their hands up over their mouths in disgust.

*****



"Practice not, you know," he blushed. "At night, in my bed, I practice touching myself the way she showed me. I can last a real long time," he said proudly.



"John, do you climax when you masturbate?" Veronica asked.



He violently shook his head. "No! I'm not allowed to," he insisted.



"Not allowed! Who says?"



"Nicole. She says I have to touch myself every night and think of only her but I can't, you know, go all the way. I can only do that when she says."



"Does she let you when you two are together?"



"Sometimes, but not usually. She says it's messy. She says real men don't do that. She says real men only care about the woman's pleasure. She's teaching me to be a real man. Like older guys." His face went sad. "Sometimes she yells at me. Sometimes she spanks me when I do."



"Nicole spanks you?" Veronica exclaimed.



He nodded. "Only when I deserve it, though. She says she does it to teach me, not to hurt me. She loves me. She really does," he said.



*****

Jack stood silently at the back of the room. Eleanor looked back at him with tears in her eyes but he looked away instantly.

*****



"Anyone. They can't sneak up on me. He snuck up on me. I didn't know he was there. He was behind me and he stabbed me." He said, looking at his hand.



"You don't like to have people sneak up on you from behind?" Veronica asked. John immediately began shaking his head.



"No, I have to see people coming. I have to be aware. I have to stay awake all the time." He said, pausing. "She used to sneak up on me." He almost whispered.



"Who, Honey?"



"Nicole. She used to come into my room at night. I was sleeping, didn't know she was there." He said so sadly.



"John, what did she do when she came to you at night?"



"No, I don't want to talk about it." He said adamantly. Veronica moved to the bed and began stroking his face.



"John, it's Veronica. Honey, I need you to go back in time for me, Honey. I need you to go back when you were younger, when you were twelve or thirteen, Honey, back when Nicole used to come in to your room when you were sleeping, okay? Take me back to that time."



*****

Abby felt anger building up inside her for what Veronica had to do.

*****



Slowly, John curled into a fetal position, hugging tightly onto his knees, bringing them as far up to his chest as he could. He looked to be rocking and humming.



*****

"Oh, God." Eleanor said, Abby held onto her hand.

*****



"John, how old are you?" Veronica moved back to her chair.



"Twelve. It was my birthday last week. I'm home for the summer." He said.



"Did you have a birthday party with all your friends?" Veronica smiled.



"No. My Gamma and Grandpa are in Europe, I think. Mom and Dad said I was too old to have birthday parties any more. I got a card from Gamma, though," he said with a smile.



"Is Nicole there?"



"Yes. She came to me last night while I was sleeping. She, uh, she did it again." He curled tighter.



"What did she do again, Honey?"



"She waits until I go to sleep and she comes in and, she wants me to...I have to be ready for her." He said.



"What does she do, John?"



"She touches me then. She always laughs." He whimpered. "That's why I have to be ready for her. Have to be ready." He nodded.



*****

Dijana stopped the tape for a moment, allowing what they had just witnessed to sink in. She could tell that everyone in the room had been affected.



"What I'm going to show you next is regarding John's suicide attempt." She explained.



"He tried to kill himself?" Millicent asked.



"Yes, Ma'am. I believe while he lived here." Dijana answered, pressing play.

*****



"John? Can you tell me what happened?"



"I...uh… I went out into the garage… and I…uh…got behind the wheel of Gamma's red Jaguar convertible," he sighed. "I was just sitting there remembering the day of my grandfather's funeral and I turned on the key. I knew it wouldn't take very long before I would just pass out," he stated clearly.



"Who found you?" Veronica asked.



"Algier. You know, I never knew that man liked to go on late night drives. Anyway, he found me, brought me inside, and called the hospital. Kerry was on and she came over," he said.



"John, Honey, can you tell me what happened? What got you so hurt that you felt the need to do this to yourself?



"Abby."



*****

"Oh my God!" Abby cried letting go of Eleanor's hand. She was terrified to discover she was the reason for John's suicide attempt.

*****



"John, what happened between the two of you?" She asked.



John was silent for several moments before he began.



"It was killing me to be around her. Every second I was with her, I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I wanted to be with her so badly it hurt. Then I finally got up the nerve I was going to tell her, we started to talk out by the water. She was going on and on about Luka and after several minutes, I finally told her to stop it. She looked at me in surprise. I shook my head and told her not to talk to me about Luka. I said I wasn't her girlfriend and admitted that I shouldn't even be there with her."



"Why not?" Veronica asked.



"Because I was in love with her.



*****

"Oh, God." Abby's tears continued.

*****



"I told her that I couldn't just sit on the sidelines waiting for them to break up." He wiped a tear that was running down his cheek. "I told her I didn't want to be her 'friend'. I said it might be convenient for her, but it's not doing much for me." He shrugged. "And I walked away. She gave me this blank stare. Abby had no idea what the hell I was talking about. She had no idea how many nights I lay awake hurting for her. We used to go to meetings and dinner, coffee, take lunches together; we were together all the time. She was my confidant. She was my friend. Abby meant everything to me."



"Did you ever talk about it?" Veronica asked.



"No, that was the beginning of when we rarely talked about anything. We began to grow away from each other because of the tension. I couldn't be around her anymore. I couldn't talk. She tried. Hell, Abby tried but I just pulled away."



"A few months later, I'd been having some trouble with my back and she was playfully teasing me about being a masochist because I had tried acupunctured to relief some of the pain. We took a walk out to the same place were we always walked, the same place where I'd told her I loved her. She told me about getting asked out by a fireman earlier in the day and I told her to invite me to the nuptials. I didn't mean anything by it but that comment really got to her. She turned to me and she looked so beautiful. She said I had to help her out that she didn't know what to do. Then she said maybe she should rub my back, I almost lost it. I knew what she was doing. See, I was with Dr. Lewis earlier and Susan had been rubbing my back. Abby said that she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. Since Susan had been back I had been spending a lot of time with her. I thought Abby still had feelings for Luka cause that's all she seemed to talk about any more. All of a sudden I'm hanging around with someone else and now she wants to tell me how she feels. I was cold and heartless to her." He shrugged.



"Then she said that she turned the guy down because she was waiting for something to happen with us." He ran his hands through his hair. "God, I was such an idiot. Basically, I laughed in her face. I challenged her, saying she'd been waiting? Fuck, I'd been waiting over two years." He shifted nervously.



"She said I gave her an ultimatum, saying she'd broken up with Luka like I asked her to and then she said I had done nothing. Then, I stick my foot in my mouth and told her she hadn't broken up with Luka for me and that she didn't break up with Luka. I asked her why she cared so much about what he did. She told me she dated the guy for a year and there was history." He exhaled loudly. "I told her there was too much history and she told me she had a life before me and that if I wanted someone without a history, I needed to find a virgin. I told her I'd settle for someone who isn't hung up on somebody else. I didn't mean to hurt her. I just didn't think about the words before they were out of my mouth. She looked so hurt. She told me I didn't have to settle for anything and she walked away. That night, I locked myself in the garage. I no longer cared if I lived or died. The one woman that I felt more for in my entire life had basically turned me down. I gutted myself for her and she turned me away and when she did the same, I treated her so badly. I was angry. After that I started dating Susan, trying to get over her and didn't know where the relationship with Susan was going but I knew that I had totally blown it with Abby. I treated her like dirt. I couldn't live with how I treated her. She opened herself up and I stepped all over her."



"John sounds like you did the same thing to her that she'd done to you." Veronica pointed out.



"Yeah, but that's no reason to treat her that way. I loved Abby. I never stopped loving Abby. I was so hung up on the thought that she was so concerned about this blonde 'cookie girl' that Luka had found that I became selfish and conceited. I was wrong," he stated.



"John, was Abby wrong when she did the same thing to you?" She asked.



"No, I deserved what she said. I was being selfish then, too. She was with Luka. I had always been her friend and I was wrong. She didn't know I'd been in love with her. She had no idea what I was talking about. To her, we'd just been friends. I lost my best friend that night. See, I'm so scared to lose her. I'm just going to push her away again and I can't bear to be the source of Abby's pain. I can't hurt her again and I'm terrified that I will," he explained.



John was silent for several moments, obviously deep in thought.



"They all leave me eventually," he said quietly.



"John, do you believe Abby loves you?"



"Yes, I know she does," he confirmed



"Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with Abby?" Veronica questioned.



"I told you, they all leave, she probably will too," he said.



"John, what happened with Nicole? You were her lover from eleven until you were fourteen. What happened after that?"



John paused, thinking about something, shaking his head. He was sitting up back against the headboard and he softly began to bang the back of his head against it.



"It was my birthday." John paused as he stopped banging his head. "Gamma was having a tea and Nicole whispered for me to come into the kitchen. She had a surprise for me." He laughed a sad laugh. "Yeah, my big birthday 'surprise.' She told me that she was getting married and would be leaving for Paris the following morning." He stopped, suddenly choked up and was holding himself.



*****

Abby looked at Dijana, knowing that her wishing John a happy birthday had been the cause of his most recent outburst. Dijana nodded.

*****



"How did that make you feel, John?" She asked with a strong tone. He began to curl up and rock. Veronica sat on the edge of the bed and repeated. "John, how did Nicole make you feel?"



"She laughed at me, called me a silly child. She kept laughing, mocking me, and asking if I had really believed her when she said she was in love with me? She said I was but a mere boy; a child and she had never loved me. No one would. She'd been playing with me for all those years," he said, suddenly realizing what he was saying. He caught his breath in his chest, realizing the truth for the first time. He began to hyperventilate. "Oh, God, I'm going to be sick." He lurched forward just as Brandon grabbed the waste can and placed it on the side of the bed before John began retching into it.



*****

"Stop the tape, please!" Eleanor begged. Dijana kept the tape rolling.

*****



"John, I need you to come back to me now, Honey, I need for you to wake up. I want you to remember what we talked about tonight, okay? It's the only way we can begin to heal, Baby. I need you to remember how Nicole made you feel, how she stole your innocence and how you were the victim. What Nicole did to you was wrong, John. You were a child. Come on, John, time to wake up for me." Veronica ran her fingers down his face, watching his whole body begin to relax. His eyes opened slowly and he stared at the ceiling for the longest time. Finally, he looked at her, trying so hard not to allow the tears that welled up in his eyes to spill over.



"She didn't love me," he whispered, his voice shaky with emotion.



"No, Honey, I'm afraid she didn't. She took advantage of you," Veronica said. She could see that John's heart was broken, even his breathing seemed sad.



"How do I know if any of them have? How do you know when someone really does love you?" He begged with his eyes, tears now running down his cheeks.



"John, Abby loves you. She truly loves you with all her heart. Brandon and I love you, Kerry loves you and I'm sure your family loves you in their own special way. You have been loved by so many people in your life, John. Nicole did not love you. Nicole made you do things that no little boy should have been made to do. What we need to work on now is getting you to believe that," she said soothingly.



"I know. I guess I've always known but it was all I had and I needed that. I needed someone to take care of me when no one else would," he said quietly.



*****

Dijana stopped the tape.







To be continued........
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