Saturday Day 8
By Friday evening John had been checking his emails on an hourly basis. Nothing. He could feel the familiar dread settling in. He had misjudged their relationship, thinking it was more than it was. She wasn't going to respond.
Nick noticed John sitting out on the patio, staring off into nothingness, chain smoking. John had become despondent during his therapy sessions and Nick was concerned about him.
"How many packs does that make today?" Nick asked, sitting next to John.
"Don't know," John snickered, flicking his ashes.
"Check your emails recently?" Nick asked.
John looked out into the darkness. "Why bother? She's not going to write back."
"John, I can't make you check it. I can't tell you she cares because I don't know. I do think that you are jeopardizing your recovery by this state of apathy you've reached. You are stronger than this." Nick said quietly.
"Nick, I'm tired of being stronger, okay?" John half smiled.
Nick shook his head and left John alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Brandon, Honey, I think I'd like to go see if Abby and Barbara would like to go shopping this afternoon." Veronica woke up in the hotel room.
"And leave me here by my lonesome?" Brandon teased rolling over to cuddle with his wife.
"I thought it would be nice to get to know Barbara a little better." Veronica snuggled closer. "I'm glad that Abby has someone willing to stay with her that she can talk to. I know how hard this is on Abby. At least when you went away to Atlanta, I knew where you were." Veronica said.
"Yeah, I think that I'm going to call Dijana and see if maybe I could visit John. I'd like to have the chance to talk to him about letting Abby know where he is and maybe come visit. I think it would do him a world of good to know that she is still there for him. He just didn't seem to want to believe it when I mentioned it to him."
"He's very confused, I'm not sure if he's ready for that but I don't see where it would hurt to ask." Veronica commented.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abby woke early in the morning to Barbara sleeping next to her. She pulled herself out of the bed to go make her guests some coffee. Susan was still asleep in the guest room and Jing-Mei was curled up on the couch. It was a good thing that neither one of them had to work.
All the reassurances from Kerry and Luka were doing nothing for Abby's emotional state. She knew everyone meant well but it didn't do anything to keep her mind off John. She missed him so much and wished that she could just hear his voice.
Taking her cup of coffee and John's laptop out onto the balcony, she thought that a little mindless surfing might help to distract her for a while. Her thoughts were on John constantly, the emptiness she felt almost consuming her, and she needed to try and think of something else. Logging onto the Internet, she decided to check her emails for the first time in a week.
"Damn junk mail." She muttered to herself, watching the various headers load, offering her everything from credit cards to home mortgages to debt consolidation. How so many companies got her email address was beyond her. She went up to edit, clicked on select all and just as she was about to delete, she noticed a familiar return address.
For a brief moment, her heart stopped. John. It was from John. Hesitantly, she clicked to open.
Abby read and reread the words over and over again. She went inside to hook up to the printer and read the printed version several times as well. John loved her. John was getting help. John needed her. John would return to her.
She took another look and noticed that it was dated Wednesday May 29. Going back outside Abby sat down and began to type her response knowing that John would already be freaking out thinking that she was not going to respond. She had so much that she wanted to tell him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
John watched the early morning sunrise and headed down to the room with the computers. Matt nodded his way since most people were still sleeping but John wandering the halls in the early morning hours was a normal sight.
He made connection on his first try, which surprised him. It usually took several shots. The familiar sounds of 'You've got mail' sounded and he reluctantly opened his mail program.
John's eyes went to it immediately. She'd finally replied and had just sent it minutes before.' She must be having a sleepless night also.' He thought as he slowly opened the email.
Saturday June 1, 2002
To: JTCarter@aol.com
From: Alockhart@aol.com
Subject: Re: I meant every word of it.
John,
I'm sorry it has taken me so long to respond to your letter I just got it an hour ago. I have done nothing but think of you constantly. I had a hard time writing this because I wanted to make sure the words I wrote conveyed the emotions I felt.
John, I do love you. My life is empty without you here. I am addicted to you, John Carter. I crave your touch, I burn for your smile, and I'm desperate to hear you tell me how much you love me.
You are my passion, John. I hate you and I love you. You hurt me and I hurt you. You make me laugh with joy and I make you scream with desire.
I need you back here with me, where I can hold you and tell you everything is okay. I want you to tell me we're going to be okay because John, I trust you more than I trust myself.
I'm happy you have found a place where you feel safe. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling or the amount of self-discovery you are experiencing. I am scared, John. You are growing and maturing and I fear that you will find that you no longer need me. I'm jealous and envious at the same time. So much of our relationship is based on our emotional need for one another. John, please don't 'not' need me.
I need to see you and know that you're okay. I need to hear it in your voice and see it in your eyes. Please, call me or tell me where you are.
While you're getting better, know one thing without a doubt –
Abby Lockhart loves John Truman Carter, in sickness and in health, in good times and bad, until death do us part.
You are my fantasy, you fulfill my hunger and I DO trust you, John.
With all my heart.
Love,
Your fiancé,
Abby
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John's heart was beating quickly as a smile slowly began to spread across his face. He stood with such a purpose and walked directly to the phone. Knowing she'd just sent the email minutes before, he knew she'd be home.
Hearing the phone ring Abby ran inside to answer it before it woke everyone up. "Hello?" Abby said, sounding unsure of who would call so early.
"I love you," he said strongly.
"Oh, God, John," she cried into the phone. Walking back out onto the balcony, she couldn't believe it was really John.
John could hear her tears as if he were there with her. "Please don't cry, Abby," he begged. He then heard her laugh.
"Are you okay?" She finally asked.
"Yes, Abby. I am now," he said honestly.
"You got my email?" She smiled, feeling the warmth return to her body.
"I was scared, Abby. I shouldn't have left the way I did but I didn't know what else to do," he admitted.
Matt walked down the hall and noticed John on the phone in the computer room. He stood in the doorway, smiling. This was John's breakthrough and judging by how happy he looked, Matt could tell whom John was speaking to.
"When will you be coming home?" Abby asked, listening closely to John breathing.
"I'm not ready yet." He shook his head. "But I do get points and I have enough for a night out. Maybe you could come visit me up here?" He suggested.
Abby giggled. "Would this be like a few hours or could I get an entire night with you?" She could hear John's breathing change.
"Abby, I don't know if I should. Turns out I have several issues regarding sex, go figure," he chuckled.
Abby groaned. "So, ask your doctor. If he says you can, I'll be up there in two seconds because I need you, John. I need to show you how much I do love you."
"Abby," John laughed. "You've already shown me."
"Oh, no, Dr. Carter. I do believe I owe you a lap dance." She offered, causing John to swallow hard.
"I'll ask," he said. He expected to feel some sort of physical reaction, which Abby had always been able to create in him before, just by walking by him but he felt nothing. His heart ached but his body failed to respond. This bothered him.
"Do you feel like you're making progress?" Abby asked after a long pause.
"I think so. It's not easy but I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm not sure if I like myself very much right now but it's all part of the process. They say I'm going to be in therapy for the next several years," he shrugged.
Abby chuckled. "So, I'll walk you to your therapy sessions and you can pick me up after my AA meetings. God, John, we are so fucked up."
"I think that's why we're perfect for each other," he chuckled. "So, how is the rumor mill?"
"You wouldn't believe it, John. Romano said he'd fire anyone if he heard one negative word about you while you're gone," Abby exclaimed.
"Really?" John asked, astonished.
"Weaver told all of us in a staff meeting that you had a personal emergency. She said you would be back and would have your job back. People were saying you were using and she set everyone straight. John, you should hear them now. You are going to get one hell of a welcome home party, that I'm sure of," she snickered.
John was very quiet. "She told them?" He asked, sounding calm.
"Yeah, but everyone is okay with it. We even had this in-service yesterday on PTSD. You should have heard everyone talking about the stabbing. I mean, you mean a lot to everyone here. Weaver even called Romano a pompous ass for you," she laughed.
"Uh, Abby, I have to go. I have to get to a meeting," he said sounding distracted.
"Oh, okay. I love you John. Please call me soon, and if I don't hear from you have a Happy Birthday, Baby. I have a special present just for you." She giggled.
John squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before speaking. "I will, Abby." He hung up the phone. His entire body was shaking as he stormed out of the room and headed directly for Dijana's office. She was just coming in for the day and was removing her jacket.
"Uh, Dr. Sajak? Can I have a moment of your time?" He asked, trying hard to keep control.
"Why, yes, John. Good morning to you also. You're not having breakfast?"
"Uh, not yet, Ma'am. I need you to change something in my file." He said, staying in the doorway. Dijana detected a hint of rage in his voice.
"And that would be?" She asked.
"Take Kerry Weaver off my list of contacts. I don't want her to know anything about me, any more than she already knows," he stated clearly.
"John, did something happen?" She asked, noticing John avoiding her eyes.
"Please, just do it." John said before he left quickly down the hall and out the back patio. Dijana followed and she saw Matt in the living area.
"Matt, did something happen this morning with John?" She asked, watching John walk in the direction of the stables.
Matt looked in the same direction. "I think he finally called Abby, or so I assumed. Why?" He asked.
Dijana looked concerned.
"Go after him, will you? Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid, all right?" She urged.
"Yes, Ma'am." Matt nodded.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Matt found John easy enough. He had reached the horse stables but he was outside the arena, sitting with his back against a fence post as he repeatedly banged his head back against the wood. His eyes were closed and he seemed to be holding himself.
"You okay?" Matt asked, startling John.
"Uh, yeah, I'm fine." John got up from the ground nervously and he went into the stable. John spent much of his time in the stables.
"What happened, John? Why were you just banging your head?" Matt followed.
John looked at him. "I, uh, I wasn't. Nothing happened. I'm fine." He refused to meet Matt 's eyes as he made his way into a stall and began brushing the horse.
"Well, if you're fine, why did Dr. Sajak want me to find you? What did you say to her?" He asked, watching John brush the horse with such controlled caution.
"Nothing, really. I just asked her to remove one of the contacts names from my list." John said, brushing Matt off.
"John, you only have two contacts on your list." Matt reminded him.
"So, now I have one. Is that a problem? This is about me, right? Isn't that what everyone's been telling me? It's about me? Well, all the screw ups in my life have been about me now haven't they?" John threw the brush down and angrily walked out of the stall on the opposite side from Matt.
Matt followed quickly. "John, what happened this morning? It looked like you were finally able to call your girlfriend. You looked happy when I saw you. What did she say to you, John?" He continued to ask.
John pealed off a flake of hay and tossed it into the stalls. It was time to feed the horses.
"Who? Abby? Oh, she says she loves me and that she can't wait to come up here so she can fuck me. Even said Happy Birthday, says she has a special present for me." He tossed another flake angrily.
"What?" Matt exclaimed.
John shook his head. "Yep. She said as soon as you guys give the word, she's up here to show me how much she loves me." John was getting more and more agitated. "Nicole showed me how much she loved me. So did Dr. Keaton. She moved to Pakistan, she loved me so much." John was now just stomping around the pile of fresh hay. "Anna showed me how much she loved me by going back to her heroin addicted boyfriend and Lucy showed me how much she loved me two days before she was stabbed!" John spat as he wildly flailed around the stable.
Matt watched, making mental notes. Besides, he'd learned the hard way to stay out of the way when a patient was throwing a tantrum.
John was obviously upset but he didn't think it had anything to do with the fact that his girlfriend had said she wanted to make love with him. He remembered him having an issue with his birthday. He continued keeping a close eye on John as he continued ranting.
"Gamma's going to be happy." John muttered as he yanked a saddle from its block and thrust it onto the wooden horse they used when polishing the leather.
"Why is that?" Matt asked
"I guess they have me for the family business after all. Figures. The Carter Foundation finally reeled in the black sheep, the one who thought he could be a doctor, the one who finally grew up and pulled his head out of his ass and got with the program!" John yelled to no one, not even realizing he'd given away his identity.
Matt was a native to Chicago and he knew exactly who the Carter's were. He had in fact, previously worked at a center where the Carter's were the most important benefactors. He also understood clearly why John would want to keep that confidential.
"But John, you can go back to work. Everyone says you can. I heard Dr. Sajak telling you that Dr. Weaver has promised that you could." Matt said.
John jerked his head up and almost burned a whole into Matt 's skull with the rage in his eyes.
"Dr. Weaver can go to hell!" John spat. He tossed down the leather polish. "Look, Matt. I appreciate it but just leave me alone, okay? I don't want to talk!" John yelled, walking away from Matt.
'She told everyone.' The voices started, John shook his head. 'Everyone knows you're crazy. They'll just laugh at you, watch your every move. You were never much of a doctor anyway. All you do is kill people.'
"God, will you shut the hell up!" John clutched his head as he fell to his knees, hitting his head with his fists. Matt took his radio from his back pocket.
"Dijana, I have a code red at the stables." He said quietly as he saw John hurt himself over and over again.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abby could not contain herself one minute longer as she gathered up the laptop and the mobile phone and joyfully went back into her room.
"Barbara, wake up! I just got a call from John," she exclaimed excitedly.
"Really!" Barbara sat up suddenly, brushing the long straight hair from her face. "Did he say where he is?"
"No, as a matter of fact he didn't. He said he had to go, that he had a meeting he was supposed to be at. He did say I could visit but he never did tell me where he was." Abby said.
"Let me see that." Barbara knelt up on the bed and took the phone from Abby. She dialed *69. "Figures the number would be blocked. Did he give any clues at all?"
"Uh... he said he was still in Illinois." Abby tried to remember. "Hopefully he'll call back after his meeting."
"Morning ladies." Jing- Mei sleepily peeked into the room hearing all the commotion. "So, what am I missing out on?" She asked as she made herself comfortable on the foot of the bed.
"I just heard from John." Abby beamed. "I checked my emails and he wrote me. Of course, it was three days ago so I wrote him back. God, he must have been sitting at the computer! He called and he's okay." She rejoiced.
"What else did he say? Can I read it?" Jing-Mei asked. Susan stumbled out of the guest room, following the noise.
"What's going on?" She mumbled still half asleep.
"Abby got an email from John." Barbara sat up, reading the printed copy from John.
"And a phone call." Jing-Mei ruffled Abby's hair.
"Oh, God, I can't believe it! I can't believe how just hearing his voice makes me feel so …so…oh, God!" Abby giggled, falling onto the bed.
"What exactly did he say? I mean, when is he going to call again? Where is he?" Susan asked.
"It was a really short phone call. The important thing is he said he loved me and that I could come and visit. He must have been so excited to hear from me that he forgot to tell me when or where but he'll call me back. I know it. John is fine and he still loves me." Abby rambled on, so giddy.
"Oh, this calls for a celebration." Susan announced.
"What are we going to do this early?" Jing-Mei laughed, Abby's good mood was contagious.
"I don't know. Maybe food, maybe shopping, who knows but we've got to help Abby celebrate." Susan laughed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John woke with a jerk. He looked around, not recognizing where he was. He tried to lift his arm to rub his face but he found himself restrained. Confused, he tried to get up but found his legs also tied down. Panic began to spread over him.
"Calm down, John." Dijana said, coming towards him. She held out a bottle of water for him but John turned his head away.
"Why?" He begged, so confused. "I came here voluntarily." John cried as he fought hard against the ties. "You can't tie me up. I can leave anytime I want. Where the hell am I?" He rambled, twisting, trying to pull free from the restraints.
"Not if I find you to be a danger to yourself, John." Dijana said.
"A danger!" He laughed hysterically. "Who the hell are you! Let me out of these things! I've got to get out of here!"
"Do you remember what happened?" Dijana asked, watching him carefully. She checked the bandage on his forehead, making sure that his thrashing around did not loosen the dressings. John had slammed his own head into the ground enough to create a nasty bruise along with a small cut from a rock.
John's face showed excruciating pain but he continued to fight against the restraints. "No, I don't remember!" He had flashes of coherent memory mixed with total confusion. "I talked to her. She said she loves me." He said, trying to figure out where he was.
"John, you are in the medical ward, we needed to sedate you."
"What? You can't do that!" He yelled, yanking his wrists with all his strength. "I have rights!"
Dijana continued. "With the Paxil, we only gave you a very low dosage but we still have to keep you here where we can monitor you carefully." She watched him for a few moments. "John, do you know who I am?"
He stopped thrashing around and looked at her, absolute terror in his eyes. Slowly he shook his head.
"John, my name is Dijana. Do you remember Matt? Matt found you out by the stables. Do you remember going to the stables?" She asked.
John's eyes looked so scared. "No," he said.
John tried to curl his body the best he could in the restraints and turned his head away. He began humming quietly and Dijana listened closely. She instantly recognized the tune.
It was 'Happy Birthday.'
Dijana stepped out of the room, watching from the window she flipped through her pocket note pad. She knew that she had the number and began dialing.
"Hello, yes. This is Dijana. Is it possible to come down here right away?" she asked.
To be continued....
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n