"What did they say? PTSD is stimuli triggered?" Susan asked, getting herself a cup of coffee.
"Yeah, he said there's shutdown or avoidance, then nightmares and flashbacks, and then physical reactions like shaking or heart palpitations. The final stage is where they get irritable, startle easily and have problems concentrating." Jing-Mei repeated from her notes.
"Wow. And the only way to get over this is to relive the thing that got them there?" Susan shook her head. "I think I'd rather live with being a bitch." She joked.
"It's not reliving the trauma," Luka began from where he sat on the couch. "It's doing so in a controlled environment where you can change how you react to the stimuli that triggers the flashback." He explained.
"Is that what he said?" Jing-Mei asked Susan.
"You have to go back and learn positive ways to react to what scares you the most. For a very long time, I would jump at loud sudden noises. My doctor repeatedly exposed me to sudden noises and now they don't bother me. It's learning to react differently, especially if the triggers are part of your everyday life. Such as a woman who was raped may trigger a panic every single time she saw someone who resembled her attacker. Maybe someone was attacked at night while walking home. They have to relearn how to do those things again without triggering these symptoms each time. Panic can be debilitating and fear is a form of panic."
"Is that what you learned how to do?" Abby asked. She'd been very quiet during the whole in-service, just listening and watching. So far, John's name hadn't even been brought up.
Luka smiled and he blushed slightly. "Yes. It took a long time to not duck when a plane went over head." He smiled.
"Oh, my God, you suffered from this?" Susan exclaimed. "God, how do you know all about this stuff?" Jing-Mei hit her on the arm as Luka smiled.
"It's okay. I lost my family in the war in my home country. I've seen many people with PTSD and never treated."
"You know what, along time ago," Jerry said. "Mark Greene was attacked in the men's bathroom one night. I think he went through a bunch of this stuff."
"Probably." Luka nodded.
"Mark was so crazy after that." Haleh added. "He was almost like two different people."
"He was. One was himself and one was the victim. It's easier to separate the two in your own head." Luka explained.
"We see this kind of stuff in here every day. Why do they decide now is a good time to suddenly talk to us about how we react?" Lydia asked.
"I think Romano was behind it. Probably read some article and wanted to impress someone." Malik shrugged.
"Don't you think he may be concerned?" Gallant asked.
"Romano?" Malik exclaimed. "Yeah, right."
"No, I mean with everything that is going on in the world now, with the terrorist attacks and all the bombings and such, don't you think maybe he looked around and noticed we're exposed to that kind of stuff every day?" Gallant continued, despite Malik's doubt.
"You're living in a dream world, Gallant." Malik said.
"The hospital does offer counseling to the staff, don't they? At least they used to." Susan asked.
"They did after the stabbings." Abby said quietly.
"Oh, God, that's right. I forgot about that." Susan nodded, noticing the faces of her coworkers.
"Honey, you wouldn't have forgotten if you were here that night." Haleh said, shaking her head.
"Were you all here?" Gallant asked.
"Not me. I was still in Phoenix." Susan said.
"I was." Luka said.
"Me, too." Abby cradled her coffee cup.
"How many of you were there that night?" Gallant asked. Abby, Luka, Haleh, Jing-Mei, Randi and Lydia all raised their hands.
"They actually worked on Carter and Lucy but we were affected also." Yosh stated. "There were a lot of people here that night."
"I had nightmares for weeks." Randi admitted, showing an unusually softer side.
"The one, I think, who was affected most that night was Carter." Haleh said. Abby looked up at her eyes, her own brimming with tears.
"Does John still have problems from that night?" Jing-Mei asked.
"John has his own way of dealing with it." Abby said.
"Well, after Atlanta, he should be a lot better than most of us. I mean, he's the only one of us smart enough to get help after." Connie stated.
"I remember something Dr. Carter once said to a patient. She said she didn't want help and he said he understood what it was like to need help when you least want it. I guess he's the only one who really understood her and what she was going through." Gallant said.
"I think that girl reminded him a lot of himself," Susan commented.
Abby looked away, trying to stay in control. Luka nonchalantly placed his hand on her shoulder.
"I know Mark getting beat up was pretty traumatic for us when it happened especially since they never caught the guy." Jerry remembered.
"Yeah, at least they found the guy that killed Lucy." Jing-Mei added.
"Yeah, a lot of good that did. I honestly had no idea what you all went through that night until this in-service. God, I'll never forget John's face when they brought the guy who stabbed him back as a patient. I bet he thought he was all cured and then the guy who almost killed him shows up, free as a bird." Susan said, playing with her cup.
Abby stood, not being able to sit and listen any longer. "I think I'm going back to work. They aren't going to let us sit around all day and the last thing I need is Weaver on my ass." She casually left the room.
"Excuse me." Luka smiled, following Abby straight for the drug lockup.
"You okay?" He asked.
Abby turned around with tears in her eyes. "How can they sit in there and talk about how he's finally cured and how he's the lucky one when this is still tearing him apart every second of every day?" She sank into Luka's arms, sobbing against his chest.
"They don't know John, Abby. They don't understand what he's going through." He soothed. "At least they don't suspect anything with his absence." He said.
"I told Randi this morning he was out of the country with his family for a funeral. I figure they all know by now." She explained between sobs.
"That's good. Let them think that. It will make it easier for him to come back." He said softly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Hey, Abby, you off?" Susan asked as she pulled her coat out of her locker.
"Uh, yeah, ten minutes ago. Why?" Abby asked. The day had turned into a pretty normal day for the staff and the in-service and the emotions it brought with it seemed like days ago.
"Well, Jing-Mei and I were going to stop for a few drinks. You want to join us?" Susan offered.
Abby hesitated. She really didn't feel like going home to an empty apartment. Barbara had been staying but it just wasn't the same without John.
"Uh, yeah, that sounds nice but how about you two come to my place? It's not far and you could crash if you've had too much to drink." Abby suggested.
Susan looked at Jing-Mei. "Sounds good to me." Jing-Mei said, grabbing her purse. "Besides, I've been curious to see where John lives."
"Oh, God, have you ever been to the mansion?" Susan asked playfully on their way out.
"Actually, yes I have. My family knows the Carter's and I've attended several functions there." Jing-Mei said proudly.
"Oh, God, are you from money, too? Tell me, Abby. Are you as dirt poor as I am?" Susan groaned.
"Even more so. I'm still just a nurse." Abby joked.
Once they arrived in the parking garage, she led them up to her and John's apartment. Susan and Jing-Mei did make a pit stop to buy alcohol but soon they were back on their way.
"Okay, this is nice." Susan immediately began snooping around.
"Make yourselves comfortable. I may be having a friend stop by but she's cool. Let me put the beer in the refrigerator." Abby said. Abby got herself a bottle of water and pulled out two bottles of beer. She smiled while handing them to each of the women.
"Abby, this furniture in this master bedroom is beautiful." Jing-Mei stated. Susan took a peek of her own.
"I would never have thought John had such good taste." She laughed. "Hey, we bought enough for the three of us. Have a beer, Abby." She encouraged.
"Well, actually I can't." Abby said, sitting on the sofa and curling up in her familiar corner. The other two followed and made themselves comfortable.
"Can't? No one's stopping you." Jing-Mei laughed, kicking her shoes off.
"Actually, I'm an alcoholic." Abby shrugged, looking at her water bottle.
"But we went out drinking." Susan said confused.
"Ever wonder why I never came back inside when John got there?" Abby smiled.
"John knows?" Jing-Mei asked, surprised.
Abby nodded. "I became his sponsor when he returned from Atlanta. I tried to get him to get a new one but he never did. He just sort of latched on to me and I was stuck with him. Now he's kinda been mine. I started drinking again on my birthday, the day Sobriki showed up at the hospital. It was the first time in over six years." She admitted. "John got me through it, though." She smiled.
"Is this gonna bother you, then?" Susan held up her beer bottle.
"No, please, have as many as you want. We have a guest room and the couch is real comfortable." She smiled.
"So, what other kind of secrets are you holding out from us, Abby?" Susan joked, making Abby blush.
"No secrets here. What you see is what you get." She shrugged. Susan began laughing.
"What?" Jing-Mei laughed also but not having any idea why.
"Okay, I have a question." Susan tried to contain her giggles. "We have to promise that what is said in this room tonight stays here, all right?" She made them swear.
"Okay." Abby giggled.
"Okay, then." Susan cleared her throat. "Abby, it's just us now, right?"
"Yes, Susan. There's no one else here." Abby looked at her strangely.
"Good. Tell me, are there sparks when you kiss him?" Susan asked.
"Oh, yes, do tell." Jing-Mei urged.
Laughing, Abby blushed severely. "As long as it stays in this room, okay? You can never tell him I told you." She warned. Both Susan and Jing-Mei crossed their hearts.
"Okay, then. Susan, not only are there sparks but I feel his kisses from my lips down to my toes!" Abby exclaimed.
"Dammit." Susan pouted. "Must have just been me."
"Oh, come on, Susan. He's like your little brother." Jing-Mei teased.
"Who's like your little brother?" Abby heard called from the kitchen.
"Oh, hey, Barbara." Abby said as Barbara came in and set her own key down.
"Oh, my God, you're the spitting image of John." Susan said, amazed at the facial resemblance.
"Good thing since he's my baby brother." She laughed. "Hi, I'm Barbara Carter." She stuck out her hand.
"Susan."
"Jing-Mei."
"Oh, you must be Deb." Barbara laughed shaking her hand. Jing-Mei just rolled her eyes and laughed back.
"You know, it is so nice to finally put faces to the names I've heard for so long. Hey, you guys got any extra beer?" Barbara went back to the kitchen.
"You're friends with John's sister? I didn't even know he had a sister." Jing Mei stated.
"We've gotten really close in the past week or so." Abby said.
"So, if John's with the family out of the country for a funeral, what's his sister doing here in your apartment?" Susan asked.
"I'm the black sheep." Barbara said, coming out of the kitchen, having heard every word. "I didn't like this cousin so I didn't go." She winked at Abby.
"Well, now that his sister is in the room, I can't ask you my next question." Susan pouted.
"And I wouldn't have answered it!" Abby exclaimed, tossing a pillow in Susan's direction.
"I don't think I even want to know." Barbara laughed.
"I just wanted to know what I missed out on." Susan laughed.
"Missed out on?" Barbara asked.
"Susan dated John for several months." Abby explained.
"Broke up because of you, too." Susan joked.
"Broke up, nothing. You said you never even got past first base with him." Jing-Mei laughed.
"More like shortstop." Susan said, getting up. "Anyone for another?"
"Yeah, I'll take one." Jing-Mei handed up her empty bottle.
"Barbara?" She asked.
"Not yet." She said. "How you doing?" She whispered to Abby.
"What's wrong?" Jing-Mei asked, over hearing.
"What's wrong with who?" Susan returned, not wanting to miss out on anything.
"Oh, it's nothing. Abby just had an upset stomach earlier and I wanted to make sure she was okay. So, you guys want to hear some dirt on Scooter?" Barbara gracefully changed the subject.
"Scooter? Are we talking about John?" Susan laughed.
"First you can tell us why you call him Scooter." Jing-Mei also laughed.
"Okay, but if he asks, it wasn't me."
"No, we already promised what gets said tonight stays here." Susan said.
"Good. Well, I don't know if you guys know this but Scooter has always had this passion for chocolate chip cookie dough." Barbara began. Abby looked amused.
"He always ordered that kind when we’d go for ice cream." Jing-Mei said.
"And how many times did you two go get ice cream?" Susan asked, not realizing this about Jing-Mei.
"When I was pregnant, every chance we got! He kept me in ice cream when he found out, you know, after Atlanta." She said.
"You were pregnant, man I missed a lot while I was gone." Susan asked.
"Yes, but that's a long story," Jing-Mei turned her attention back to Barbara.
"Please continue."
"Well, anyway, when Scooter was little, one morning Corinne found him in the kitchen, eating an entire batch of cookie dough she'd made for some party or something. We told him that he was going to get worms growing in him. Poor Scooter believed it." She explained, all the girls laughing hard. "He used to scoot around with his butt on the ground, convinced he had them, trying to get them out!" They all burst out laughing at the visual images.
"Oh, God, I've got to tease him about that one!" Abby laughed so hard, she had tears coming out of her eyes.
"Oh, wait! I gotta pee!" Susan laughed and ran in the direction Abby pointed to use the bathroom.
"John and I used to pull some pranks on each other. He always got me back, though. I could never outdo him." Jing-Mei laughed.
"He's told me about you two." Abby laughed, trying to calm down.
"Did he tell you about the time I shocked him?" Jing-Mei asked.
"I was just thinking, I wonder how many times he has been shocked?" Abby giggled.
"Shocked?" Barbara asked, lost when it came to this medical stuff.
"Defibrillator paddles." Abby explained. Susan returned with more beers all around and another water for Abby.
"Thanks. Well, anyway, the shock wasn't too bad but when he fell, he hit his head and it knocked him out cold. When he woke up, we had him convinced that I had used him to practice a rectal exam on." Jing-Mei lost it again as did everyone else.
"You two were so at each other's throats all the time. I thought we'd have to throw water on you two several times." Susan chuckled.
"So when else has he been shocked?" Barbara asked.
"Shortly after John became Chief Resident he had a student that got a little over anxious and John wasn't quite clear of the gurney. When the patient was shocked his hand made contact with John's groin and send a jolt of electricity.... well I'm sure you can figure out what happened. Poor John was curled up on the floor holding himself."
"Ouch!" Barbara giggled, crossing her legs as if she felt the pain.
"God, here we are, talking like he's dead." Jing-Mei joked. "He isn't dead, Abby, is he?"
Abby looked to Barbara who nodded slightly. She took a deep breath.
"You guys both care about John as a person, right?" Abby began. She needed to tell someone. Carrying this inside of her for this past week had been so hard when so often, she just needed a shoulder to cry on or to vent to.
"I kissed the guy and did slightly more, okay?" Susan responded.
"He was my labor coach when I gave birth to Michael." Jing-Mei mirrored the sentiment.
Abby played with her bottle of water for a few moments.
"John isn't with our family." Barbara started.
"Where is he, then?" Jing-Mei asked, suddenly concerned.
"Abby, what's wrong with John?" Susan sat up.
"John is, well... remember that in-service we had this morning?" Abby tried.
"Oh, God," Susan exclaimed.
"He's not using again, is he?" Jing-Mei asked.
Abby immediately shook her head. "No, no, it's just that he's had a really rough time." She said.
"I never saw him having any trouble." Susan thought back.
"You've never noticed his mood swings, his shaking, his inability to speak or form words, his worrying, his anger, his nausea, his headaches, his chronic back pain?" Abby asked.
Both Susan and Jing-Mei looked at each.
"I never thought about it." Jing-Mei said quietly. "He's always been different."
"Is this from the stabbing?" Susan asked.
Abby shook her head. "We all thought it was. I think he even thought so. John has this friend who is a hypnotherapist and she decided to put him under and see if she could get to what his problems were." Abby explained.
Jing-Mei shook her head. "There's much more, isn't there?" She asked.
Abby couldn't hold back the tears. "Yes." She said, wrapping her arms around her knees.
"Going back to his childhood." Barbara said, placing her arm on Abby's shoulder.
"It's really bad, isn't it?" Susan asked. "Does this have anything to do with what we talked about that night?"
"Yeah, Susan. It's really bad." Abby said.
"So, is John getting help or did he just disappear?" Jing-Mei asked.
"No, he's getting help. He had himself committed to a psychiatric facility." Abby informed.
"Oh, God, Abby. You really meant serious. Have you talked to him? Is he getting help? I mean; is he going to be able to come back to the hospital?" Susan asked, shocked to find out things with John were actually that bad.
"I don't even know where it's at and no, I haven't talked to him in a week. Luka brought him to someplace he knows about and only he and Weaver are allowed to get updates." Abby explained, the tears streaming down her face.
"At least someone knows." Jing-Mei tried to reassure but Abby shook her head.
"No! I'm the one that should be told. I'm the one who knows him best. I'm the one he asked to marry!" She cried.
"John proposed?" Jing-Mei asked, amazed.
"Yeah, a week ago." Abby laughed slightly.
"Did you accept?" Susan asked. Abby just buried her head and cried.
"That's where things get a little fuzzy." Barbara whispered. "She did accept, though. Abby is going to marry John, we just don't know when."
"God, this is so complicated." Susan sat back, thinking this evening over in her head.
"John never did take the easy way." Jing-Mei stated.
"I guess things never have been very easy for him." Barbara added.
To be continued......
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