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Thursday Day 6



John had been up most of the night unable to sleep. His mind was still on over-load as he thought about how he'd been so exposed over the past several weeks, revealing so much that he'd been suppressing his whole life.



John had spoken truthfully to his therapists probably for the first time in his life. When he was in Atlanta, it was different because he was with other addicts, people he didn't feel as if he had anything in common with.



However, this place so far had proved to be enlightening, if for no other reason but to finally be around people who felt inside the way he did. All of these people had led normal lives with the exception of one thing - they had all suffered some form of trauma or abuse and had tried for years to deny the events occurred. They went on to become business professionals, doctors, teachers, wives and fathers until their past's returned and took their lives over.



For the first time in his life, John realized he wasn't alone. He no longer felt those sympathetic stares from the other patients. He finally understood what their eyes were saying and it was no longer a threat.



Nick had finally encouraged him to contact Abby, to apologize, make amends, grovel, to do everything he could to win her back because his love for her was one of the things in his life he was sure of. He needed Abby on his side if he were going to win this battle.



He had already managed to convince Matt to let him go down and check his e-mail. He just couldn't wait any longer to see if Abby had responded. But no news was good news Matt reminded him when he found his mailbox empty.



Unable to sleep, John sat at the table out in the patio, reading a medical journal.



"You're supposed to be sleeping." Mike smiled as he joined him.



"I got my second wind." John shrugged.



"You up for a game?" Mike motioned to the basketball court.



"Sure." John sighed.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



It had been a very long flight, but Millicent had insisted that whatever it took to get home, to do so immediately. Jack could not imagine what could be so urgent that his mother would pull him away from his work without some sort of hint as to why he was being summoned.



"Mother." Jack called from the front door. Henry took his jacket.



"Will you be staying long, sir?" Henry asked.



"I'm not sure yet, Henry. Where is my mother?" Jack asked. He still had no idea why he was even here.



"I do believe she in the garden with Barbara," Henry said.



"Barbara's here?" Jack asked.



"Yes, sir. She's been home for nearly a week."



"Really?" Jack mused, heading to the garden. On his way, he almost ran directly into Eleanor.



"Jack!" Eleanor stated, alarmed. Jack backed away slightly.



"Eleanor." He said. "Do you know where Mother is?"



"She's in the garden with Barbara. I was just bringing them some tea," she explained.



"Why you? Why not the help?" He asked.



"Because I like to do it, Jack." Eleanor said, returning to the kitchen. Jack shook his head and went outside to look for his mother.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Dr. Sajak, may I speak with you?" Catherine, one of the therapists asked.



"Sure, Catherine. What's on your mind?" Dijana asked, looking up from her file.



"I'm concerned about John Williams." Catherine sat down.



"Has something happened?" Dijana asked.



"Well, nothing in particular. It's just he's always so tired. He's energetic and happy one minute and like turning off a light switch, he's brooding and withdrawn. He says he isn't sleeping. Can't we give him something to help with that? He's got all this built up energy and I think he doesn't have any way to release it," she explained.



"I'm considering altering his schedule just a bit." Dijana said. "He's been here almost a week and he still can't adjust to the structure. Believe me, we are giving him something to sleep and I believe Mike's been playing basketball with him almost every morning. He's just used to much more chaos than we can give him, I guess." She laughed.



"He was falling asleep during group, so I let him go to his room."



"Thank you, Catherine. I'll check on him in awhile. For now he should get some rest."



~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Jack, darling!" Millicent called, seeing her son approaching.



"Now, when they said you were in the garden, I was hoping you weren't on your hands and knees." He laughed.



"Nope, she's got me doing the dirty work. Hi, dad." Barbara brushed some dirty from her cheek and stood for a kiss from her father.



"We missed you at the cocktail party last week." Millicent said.



Eleanor brought out iced tea and set it on a wrought iron table.



"Turned out to be quite an event." Eleanor stated, joined in the conversation.



"You can say that again." Barbara snickered from the spot where she was digging.



"I understand Chase came?" Jack asked.



"He certainly did, and so did John. He introduced us to his fiancé." Millicent said.



"Fiancé? Little Johnny is getting married?" Jack exclaimed.



"That's why I called you home, Jack. We have a bit of a problem." Millicent began.



"What? Did he fall head over heels in love with some trashy floozy from the hospital?" Jack snorted.



Barbara brushed the dirt from her, ready to defend Abby at all costs.



"She's not trashy, dad. She's probably the best thing in his life right now." She stated, taking a tea. "Thanks, Mom."



"So, what's the big emergency? I was right in the middle of securing rights over a Russian company when you called."



"Stop it! Just stop it, Jack!" Eleanor raged. "Just for one Goddamn minute in your life, will you stop and think about your family! John is in trouble and he needs us right now!"



Her outburst silenced everyone. Jack looked stunned. He expected his mother to yell but not his soon to be ex-wife.



"Mother, what kind of trouble is John in? Do we need to call a lawyer?" He asked.



"Your son has had himself committed, although I am being told it has been completely voluntary." Millicent stated.



"Committed? What are you talking about, mother?" Jack asked, feeling his breath leave his chest.



"Do you remember a maid by the name of Nicole? She worked for us back when Bobby was sick." Eleanor asked.



He looked at her for a moment. "I believe so, blonde, young, good with the children, yes, I remember her. What about her?" He asked.



"Did you know she took special care of Scooter?" Barbara asked.



"What do you mean?" He asked, confused with why she would phrase it that way.



"Now we haven't heard any of this from John himself but we are being told that John has been seeking therapy and has been hypnotized several times." Millicent started explaining.



"Dad, Nicole was sexually abusing Scooter right under our noses." Barbara burst, the tears starting again.



"What? If you haven't heard this from John, then how do you know this actually happened?" He asked in shock. The truth was just too difficult to believe.



"Barbara spent several days with Abby and John's therapist, the one who discovered all of this when John disappeared." Eleanor said.



"Disappeared? Now, wait a minute. John has disappeared? I thought you just said he got himself committed." Jack was getting more and more confused.



"Dad, he doesn't want anyone to know where he is. There are only a few people who know where he's at and he doesn't want anyone to contact him, not yet, anyway." Barbara said.



"To hell with that! Who knows? I want to know who the hell knows and I will find out where my son is at and speak to him myself. This is personal suicide. If anyone were to find out…"



"Shut up!" Eleanor screamed, knocking her glass off the table causing it to shatter.



"He is your son, Jack, our son and he doesn't want us to know where he is. Doesn't that say anything to you?" She stood, her whole body shaking.



"It tells me he's being goddamn immature and a coward because he knows I'll give him a piece of my mind about doing something so stupid. He's a Carter, Dammit! He's got to be stronger than this!"



"But he's not!" Barbara also stood, yelling. "John has done everything he could to make you happy, dad. He's done everything in his power just to get your approval and you continue to knock him down every chance you get. Look at what you two are doing to him now. You've put him between the two of you, making him the messenger boy and all he wants is for you to be happy." She stated.



"Didn't either of you notice how much Scooter changed when Bobby died?" Barbara asked. "Scooter idolized his brother and it tore him up inside. I didn't understand it then but looking back, he had all the signs. He was crying out for help and no one noticed him. Remember how he used to hide out in the tree house for hours after Bobby died? What if it wasn't because he was sad? He always used to tell me he was hiding but I never gave it another thought. I never thought he'd be hiding from anything or anyone." Barbara said. "What if he was hiding from Nicole? She was always asking where he was and I'd always rat him out. We all thought this was his way of coping but I think we were all wrong, dad. I think we were very wrong."



"Dad, a week ago, John took a switchblade, left the house and would have killed himself if people, his friends hadn't have been watching him. Two days later, we make him propose to Abby in front of 300 people. The next morning he freaks out and decides he can't do all this alone. Daddy, he wants help and he can't do that with us telling him he's stupid or being immature. He's asking for help and the least we can do is stay away until he's ready for us." Barbara continued.



Jack sat back down, his head in his hands.



"Jack, I told Barbara and Abby about my hospitalization." Eleanor said quietly. Jack's head popped up.



"You what?" He said, angry.



"I told them about the six months after Bobby died." She admitted, cowering physically, waiting for his outburst.



"You were distraught, emotionally unstable, traumatized by losing Bobby." He tried to justify.



"Jack," Millicent said, placing a hand on his arm. "John has been hurting for twenty years and I, for one, am very proud with what he has accomplished in his life. He's a fine, compassionate and caring doctor and we have never given him any credit for that. He's done it completely on his own."



"He knows we're proud of him." Jack stated.



"When's the last time you told him, Dad?" Barbara asked. Jack looked up at her. He couldn't remember the last time he'd told John anything positive.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



Abby stood on the roof, looking out over the city. Her shift was almost over but she just couldn't bring herself to go home alone.



"I thought I'd find you here." Luka said as he came out onto the roof. He handed Abby a cup of coffee.



"Thanks. Is it busy down there?" She asked, sipping the hot liquid.



"No, everything is quiet. Are you okay? You've been keeping to yourself most of the day." He commented.



"I'm as good as can be expected." She shrugged. "I miss him." She admitted.



"Yeah, everyone does downstairs." Luka said.



"It's not the same, Luka." Abby smiled.



Luka nodded his acknowledgement on her meaning.



They both stood silently for several minutes, looking out over the city.



"Luka, when was the last time you talked to him?" Abby asked.



"Actually talked to him? The day I dropped him off. I assume he would call me when he's ready for a visitor." He said, much to Abby's disappointment.



"How about Weaver?" She asked.



"I don't know. I think she would have told me if she has spoken to him but she hasn't said anything." He shrugged.



"Luka, you've got to tell me where he's at." Abby turned to him, pleading. "He needs to know that I'm still here, waiting for him."



"He knows that, Abby. He'll contact you when he's ready." Luka insisted.



"Luka, what if he's already given up? You haven't spoken with him, Kerry hasn't, what if he thinks we've moved on without him. It's been a week now, Luka. I know how John can get these things so worked up in his head…" Abby rambled.



"Abby, he's fine. I know Dijana personally and I'm sure everything is fine. He just needs some time." He reassured her.



Abby was angry. She was angry that neither Kerry nor Luka would give her any information. What right did they have? If anyone should know, it should be her.



"Did you sign up yet?" He asked, needing to change the subject slightly.



"For what?" She asked.



"They're holding an in-services tomorrow on PTSD. Kerry and Romano are making it mandatory that everyone in the emergency room to attend. They'll have several sessions throughout the day." He said.



"I've been living it for almost a month now, Luka. I don't think I need an in-service on it." She snorted.



"No, but you may give someone an insight on what it's like. Everyone is going to have to know what to expect when he does come back." He explained.



"God, Luka, they're going to be walking around, treating him like he's going to crack at any minute when he comes back." She said.



"Well, that's something we're trying to avoid with this in-service. Teaching people that he's still the same person."



"But will he be?" Abby looked up at his eyes. "Will John be the same person as before all this stuff started?"



"Yes, Abby, just maybe a bit more open and hopefully a lot more stable. He's doing a good thing, Abby. He's going to get better, you'll see."



~~~~~~~~~~~~



John paced back and forth in the day room. He'd played all the basketball he could handle, as well as tennis, horseback riding, walking, or reading. He was going stir crazy waiting to see if Abby was going to reply. He kept trying to tell himself that she just hadn't gotten it yet, but as time went by he was losing faith that he would ever hear from her again.



Nick had just begun his shift and after seeing John's behavior he wanted to talk to Dijana.



"Noticed our pacing tiger?" He commented as he poked his head inside her office.



Laughing, she said, "I certainly have. He's been that way for most of the day. Either that or he's sleeping in a corner somewhere."



"Should be a fun night," he laughed.



"At least he's progressing. That's a good sign." Dijana went back to her notes.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



Veronica parked her car and looked over at Abby.



"You ready, Honey?" She asked sweetly.



"Ready as I'll ever be, I guess. Shouldn't be that different from AA and God knows I've been attending enough of those meetings lately." She said, trying to keep it light.



Veronica got out of the car and together the two women walked into the meeting hall. As they entered, Abby immediately noticed both Luka and Kerry sitting together.



"I can't do this." Abby tried to turn to leave but Veronica stopped her.



"What Honey? Why not?" She asked, completely confused.



"I can't do this, not with them here. Not with them knowing where he's at and what's going on. This is too personal for me, Veronica. I can't talk openly with them here." Abby explained; trying to leave but Veronica held her ground.



"Honey, they care about John as much as you do. We need to be here, all of us and I think it's great we're here together. Maybe we can help each other get through this whole thing, okay? We are going to be his support group when he comes home, like it or not. Kerry Weaver and Luka Kovac are as involved in this as you are, Honey. Come on, let's try this one meeting, okay?" She tried to convince Abby to stay.



Abby looked up and her eyes met Kerry's. She smiled slightly and nodded.



"One meeting." She agreed as Veronica and Abby went to join Luka and Kerry.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



John sat at the patio table, ripping a piece of paper. He'd started out just ripping it into big pieces but then those pieces needed to be ripped into smaller ones, and those then needed to be ripped into smaller ones yet. Now, he had a pile of neatly shredded paper pieces, all too small to rip anymore.



"Hey, John. How you feeling tonight?" Matt asked, coming on for his shift. "Damn." He looked at the pile of paper in front of John.



"Bored, I'm feeling like I'm climbing the walls here." John stated, lighting yet another cigarette. He didn't even want one, just needed something to do with his hands.



"You wanna play basketball?" Matt offered.



"No." John stated flatly.



"You look like you just wanna hit something." Matt observed.



"You offering?" John asked without a smile.



"Uh, no," He laughed. "But we do have a punching bag if you want to go beat the shit outta something?"



John looked up at him for a few moments, thinking. "Yeah, I think I do." He agreed.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Okay, everyone. If I could get everyone's attention." Dijana called in the conference room. Every Thursday evening all the therapist on staff would meet to go over current patients to make sure everyone was on the same page. Discussing anything from nursing notes and noted progress to questions on medications prescribed.



"All right, since our last meeting, we've had one new admission and no discharges. Is this correct?" She asked. Everyone checked his or her notes.



"Yes, Dijana." Nick answered, checking the logs.



"And I will say, he's turned out to be some admission." She kidded, causing several people to snicker. "What issues have we identified with our Mr. Williams?" She asked the group.



"The obvious, PTSD," Nick started off first being that he had probably spent more time with John than any of them.



"Severe guilt issues relating to needing to feel in control in settings in which he has no control." Catherine stated.



"Threatened by women yet desperate for the approval of males," Nick said.



"He needs to be challenged almost constantly, not only mentally and emotionally, but physically as well. Too much time left on his own and he doesn't know what to do with himself.



"What is it John Williams does for a living?" One of the therapists asked.



"He's a trauma physician in one of the busiest emergency rooms in the heart of the a very largely populated city." Dijana answered. Several shook their heads. This made complete sense.



"Physician, heal thyself." Walter commented under his breath. "Name it, he's seen it, lived it and experienced it. He's so young to be so old." He said, looking over his notes.



"Well, I'm sure most of you have noted the past sexual abuse issues, along with the extreme emotional and maturity damage it has resulted in." Dijana explained.



"Isn't he married?" Someone asked.



"No, but he has a girlfriend and I understand it's a pretty new relationship." Nick said. "I finally got him to email her yesterday."



"No answer?"



"Not yet but I understand she's a nurse at the hospital where he works. She may not have gotten it yet." Nick replied, holding up crossed fingers.



"Well, John is progressing. When he first arrived here, he was very submissive. Today, he's pissed off at the world. I am increasing his medication as well as letting you all know that we need to back off just a bit from his schedule. This is a man who is used to working until he drops from exhaustion, getting in a power nap and getting up to do it again. He's used to chaos, panic and having to think on his feet. We're going to have to find some ways to challenge him mentally as well as allow him to sleep or be awake when he needs to. I am taking him off suicide watch as of this meeting. I honestly don't think he's a danger to himself. He's verbalized as well as shown me by his actions that he wants to get better." Dijana explained.



"He's made quite a connection with Mike in security," Walter observed. "As well as you, Nick. Dijana, I'm not sure why but you seem to be the only female he can relate to."



"I remind him of his previous therapist." Dijana joked. Veronica and Dijana were complete opposites. "I think that's just because he was introduced to me as the director. John does seem to have respect for those women in higher roles over him." She smiled. "His boss is a woman and he holds her in high regard.



"Isn't there a support group? You know, a group of family members or friends who can help him? He hasn't had many visitors." Someone stated.



"John is in hiding, for those of you who haven't discovered that by now. Williams is not his real name and a few of us have discovered what his real name is and trust me, if you knew, you'd understand probably half of his problems. Anyway, no one is to know he is a patient here. He only has two names on his contact list and I myself have closed his files to them. They are also physicians and accidentally let someone else get a hold of his progress report. Needless to say, I am only giving limited information to them. No one is to get any information until I believe that he is ready. It's the outside world that screwed him up so bad and it's our job to rebuild him and get him ready to go back to the barracudas, all right?"



Everyone nodded in agreement.



"All right, enough about Mr. Williams. Do we have a report on Gracie Baxter?



************************************************************

To be continued …..
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