Wednesday Day 5
John tossed and turned but his mind was racing too fast to sleep. Ever since his session with Veronica and Brandon, it had been working on overdrive, reliving every moment of his life, every heartache and he couldn't shut it down. He'd taken the Benadryl as prescribed, looking forward to even a drug induced sleep but it was eluding him. Out of the silence, he heard a knock on his door.
"Come in." He called, sitting up in the darkness. He knew the rules about the lights being out were strictly enforced and he'd caused enough troubles for one day.
Nick poked his head in. "Hey, looks like you can't sleep. Want to talk?" He asked, the light from the hallway blinding John's vision of his face.
"Sure. No roommate so I guess I won’t be keeping anyone else awake." John sat up, keeping the blankets wrapped around him. "So, how'd you know I was awake?" John asked. Nick gave him a look.
"Don't tell me you haven't noticed the cameras?" Nick snickered, pointing to a picture on the wall. "They actually did a better job at hiding them than the last place I worked but they're all over the place."
John looked up and noticed the dime size spot he'd never noticed before. "Hm, I didn't even think of it but I guess I understand. So, you in the habit of lurking behind people's doors or hanging out in the security rooms on your night off? What? Haven't you got a life?" John teased, making Nick laugh.
"Well, after that session in there, I figured you might have a bit of trouble falling asleep and since Mike actually has some security stuff to do, I figured I might as well spend the night with you." Nick shrugged, pulling up a chair.
"You want to talk about what's on your mind?" Nick asked casually, kicking his feet up on the end of the bed. John curled back down, lying on his side looking at Nick.
"You know what I keep thinking about?"
"Not until you tell me," Nick smiled.
"Abby. You know, I never even went home that night. I just dropped her off out front and never went back."
"Oh, 'never' isn't here yet, my friend. You can still go back." Nick reminded him.
"I haven't called her, I haven't written, nothing. She's probably going nuts trying to figure out what's up with me." He said.
"So, you think she still loves you?" Nick asked.
"I hope so." John paused. "Abby and I have been doing this emotional roller coaster for three years now. I think she's probably worried right now more than anything. She'll get angry with me later." John laughed.
"Oh, a woman scorned." Nick teased.
"So, what do you suggest I do?" John asked.
"Me? I can't suggest you do anything, my friend. That has got to come from you." Nick stated.
"Okay, then. If you were in the same situation, what would you do?" John reworded his question.
Nick scrunched his brow. "John, I am sitting here with you on a Tuesday night, my only night off for the next two weeks. You think I have someone to go home to?" Nick teased.
"Okay, point noted." John nodded. "There are some things I need to tell her. I need her to know that I meant it when I proposed to her."
"Well, what's stopping you?" Nick asked.
"Fear." John exclaimed. "Really, I think that if I get her on the phone, she's going to start crying and I can't deal with that right now."
"Then, write her a letter." Nick suggested. John thought for a few moments.
"I could do that except then I would have to give her the address if I ever wanted to hear back from her. She'd be climbing the walls to get into this place if she knew where I was. I just don't think I can deal with seeing her yet." John explained, thinking out loud.
"Do you have a computer with email at home?" Nick asked.
John's eyes lit up even in the darkness of the room. "We do, and I know she checks it because that's how her and her brother keep in contact. I could write everything that I have to say down and send it. That way I won't forget anything." John said, thinking he liked this idea more and more.
"There's a computer room downstairs for the patients. I'll show you in the morning. Right now, though, I think you need a game of basketball."
"Now? It's the middle of the night." John laughed, watching Nick stand.
"And this is any different than three in the morning? I don't think so. Mike says you're not half bad." Nick urged. He figured if he could get John tired enough physically, maybe he could get him to sleep.
"Half bad, huh? I'll show you half bad." John flew back the blankets and slipped on a pair of sweatpants. "You're on."
John and Nick played basketball for over an hour, before John finally admitted to being tired. After a long, hot shower, he crawled into bed and fell asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Matt came out onto the patio and was surprised to see John sitting at one of the tables, writing furiously on a legal pad. A full ashtray sat before him.
"Hey, John. Don'tcha know you aren't supposed to be out here by yourself?" Matt sat down at the table with John.
"Matt, honestly I don't need to hear the rules right now, okay? I slept for a couple of hours, I'm awake and I need to get this done. I'm right here where everyone can see me and I'm not hurting myself so I'm fine, really." John said, running his hand through his hair. Matt had heard what happened with Geneen at dinner and he didn't want to push John any further.
"What are you writing?" He asked, lighting his own cigarette.
"Something I need to say to Abby. I've got to get the words right. I've got to let her know that I didn't leave her." John wrote fast and focused. Occasionally he'd scribble out a line or two, looking for just the right words.
"You want some coffee?" Matt offered. John looked up and smiled.
"Sure. That would be nice." He said, realizing how crazed he was acting. He looked out at the sky.
"Have you ever done any sailing, Matt?" He asked.
"Nope. I like to keep the ground underfoot, if you know what I mean." Matt joked, setting a cup of coffee in front of John.
"Oh, but it's so beautiful to watch the sun come up when you're out on the water. You can look out across the sea and see no land for miles. When the sun begins to come up, the water sort of becomes like glass, the light glaring off it's smooth surface and the warmth begins to cover your body like a blanket while the coolness of the water under you comforts you. No sound, just your own heartbeat and the sounds of the dolphins way off in the distance." John was entranced.
"Sounds beautiful. When was the last time you got out on the water?" Matt asked.
"Several months ago. I was out with some friends. It didn't end well, though." He returned to his paper, picking up the pencil and tapping it against the paper nervously. "Two speedboats crashed and I ended up jumping in and pulling people out of the water." He shrugged.
"Did you help save someone?"
"Not everyone. I helped a few, though." John sighed, going back to his letter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John sat looking at the computer for several minutes. Nick had continued to urge him to make contact with Abby but John still couldn't bring himself to hear her voice, to hear the disappointment he was sure would be there, or to hear her anger at him for the way he left. The idea of e-mailing her seemed to solve that problem but he was still unsure of how she would respond and it scared him to death.
He'd been beating himself up about it for too long, knowing he was wrong for being selfish, knowing he was wrong for leaving without talking to her, knowing that what he had done had hurt her. His guilt had kept him up all hours and caused his mind to wonder. He knew that until he could get past this hurdle, all his recovery would be at a standstill. Taking a deep breath, and looking over his notes, John sat down at one of the computers and began to write.
Wednesday May 29, 2002
To: Alockhart@aol.com
From: JTCarter@aol.com
Subject: I meant every word of it.
Dear Abby,
I don't know if you'll read this or just delete it but all I ask is just a few moments of your time. I will understand it you never want to see me again but I have to tell you why I did what I did.
Let me start by telling you how much I love you. I have NEVER felt this way about anyone in my life and the pain I feel when I'm away from you is constant, more than a million knives in my back, more than never being able to return to County, more than the thought of losing you. Abby, I need you more than you will ever know and never, ever want to hurt you, I never meant to hurt you but I know I did. For that, I will be forever guilty and deserve the worst punishment that God can hand down.
When I left, the way I did it was not premeditated. I did not plan for it to happen that way. Things just got out of my control and I knew I needed help. I knew I needed more than you or I could handle and that is why I left.
I have not left you by any means, Abby. You are still my air; my sun, my heart and nothing will ever change that. I though I'd been in love before but my God, Abby. The feelings you bring out in me ignite my entire body and I never knew life could be as blissful as it is when I'm near you.
I am still in Illinois. I'm only about an hour from home and yes; I do want to come home. To our home, if you'll still have me. I want to sleep in our bed, I need to smell your hair and your skin, and I need to make love to you –
Abby, I am not well. I can finally admit that now. I have a disorder and I am doing everything I can to get treatment and get better. They say it will take years but for now, I need this environment. I have voluntarily committed myself into a psychiatric hospital where there are people who understand me can monitor me. They know what I'm dealing with and they know how to treat me. I have a lifetime of pain to get over and I hope that you're willing to help me.
I am attending therapy sessions almost every second of the day and night. And I thought 90 meetings in 90 days were hard! I am on medication now, and yes, they are making me eat. I had a bit of trouble with their normal schedule of when to wake, when to eat, when to sleep but this place has customized a program to fit what I can handle when I can handle it. I'm sleeping almost every moment that I'm not in sessions and I'm smoking like a maniac.
They have finally labeled me. This place deals with what I have specifically so the people here understand me. I'm beginning to understand myself. They have diagnosed me with PTSD with psychotic features, as well as, major depressive disorder. You know, thinking back, I had all the signs of PTSD before the stabbing but my doctor said that it's probably related to the abuse and the stabbing probably just intensified the issue.
I've been doing quite a bit of research on this and let me tell you, Abby. Now that I am aware of what I'm dealing with I can finally admit that there is something wrong, I feel a huge weight lifted and truly want to get better.
I have been attending every type of therapy you could imagine. Would you believe they have me making pictures and collages? When they pull out the potholder kits, I tell you right now, I'm outta here!
God, I miss your laugh. I miss everything about you.
Abby, please do not tell anyone you heard from me. I'm sure you know by now that Luka and Kerry know where I am and that Veronica and Brandon were here yesterday to see me. It was really hard for me to see them but I feel like I am making progress quickly.
I had a million questions I want to ask you. Are you all right? Is Luka keeping an eye on you? I asked him to. Did you get my note? Are you still wearing the ring?
I am trying to get better, Abby. I feel like each day I get a bit healthier. I have to learn to stop hurting people. No, scratch that. I have to learn not to be so hurt by people. I need to get better for me.
I do earn points and I can get time off this site. When I reach that point, then I'd love to have you come see me but I'm not ready to come home yet. I need more help before I reach that goal.
If you know me at all, you know how hard this is for me to write. Admitting I have a mental problem was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. Writing you is harder.
I'm instructed to send this thinking that everything is fine between us. I'm not supposed to think about you never getting it. I know what I'm supposed to do but dammit, it doesn't make it any easier.
Abby, if you still love me, reply to this letter. If you need to get on with your life without me, please do not respond. Do not tell me your reasons because I can't hear them right now. I would rather just not hear from you rather than receive a 'Dear John' letter from you.
Please, remember one thing, my love,
I meant EVERY word of it.
I am Truly Yours,
JC
John read and re-read the print over and over. He wanted to make sure that he hadn't forgotten anything, but really he was just too scared. John held the mouse with the curser over the send button and closed his eyes and willed himself to hit the send button.
~~~~~~~~~~
The dinner bell rang and Geneen checked off her patients she was assigned to watch as they came in. Right away, she noticed that John was missing.
"Hey, Roger? You seen Williams?" She asked one of the other attendants.
"Yeah, he's in the weight room. Been in there since his last session ended."
"Okay, thanks." She said, going to find John.
Stepping into the room, she found him immediately. There was John, all stretched out, sweaty and sound asleep on one of the weight benches. Knowing he'd been having trouble sleeping, she decided it was probably all right to leave him there and let him have his nap. The kitchen could always fix something for him to eat, later. She noted on his log and returned to the dining area.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Tell me again why I'm here?" Luka asked as Abby drove to the Carter mansion.
"Millicent, John's grandmother was all ready to call private investigators in to find John. We, I mean Barbara and I told her that we knew he was all right and that you had taken him someplace that was safe. I guess she just wants to know first hand that he's okay." Abby explained. "She went as far as asking if I knew a large sum of money had been deposited into my account the morning he disappeared. Luka, I think she was thinking he'd been kidnapped or something. Can you believe it? I thought this stuff only happened in the movies." She laughed; confused as to the direction her life had suddenly turned to.
"I heard Carter came from a wealthy background but to think someone would kidnap him." Luka laughed. Then they pulled up to the Carter mansion.
"This is his grandmother's home? This is where Carter was living?" Luka exclaimed, his eyes wide with shock.
"Yep. Practically raised here. He told me they have a few houses like this around the country. I had no idea either, Luka." Abby explained as they walked to the door. Henry, the butler opened it before they had a chance to knock.
"Miss Lockhart." He welcomed, taking her jacket and purse. "The family is in the sitting room." He led the way.
"Hi, Abby." Barbara immediately greeted. "Welcome Luka." She said, leading them into the sitting area. Luka was still looking around in amazement.
"Carter never mentioned he grew up in this nice of a place." He said, more to Abby.
Barbara laughed. "My little brother does have a habit of downplaying all this." She motioned with her hands. "He doesn't give it a second thought. John can make himself at home no matter where he is."
"How's his mom dealing with all of this?" Abby asked, knowing that the two elder Carter women were not in the room.
"Let's just say half a bottle of Bordeaux has made her a bit calmer." Barbara laughed.
"Well, I see our guests have arrived. I don't believe we have been formally introduced." Millicent stated as Eleanor wheeled her into the room.
Luka stood. "No, we haven't. My name is Luka Kovac. You must be Millicent Carter." He smiled.
"Oh, Millicent will be fine, Dr. Kovac." Millicent stated, shaking his hand.
"Then Luka will do also." Luka answered.
"I'm Eleanor, John's mother." The other woman shook his hand and Luka noticed immediately how cold her shake was but he could see John's eyes in her face.
"Shall we move to the dining room?" Millicent suggested, leading the way. "Luka, I do hope you like veal?"
"Yes, ma'am. I'm pretty easy." He said, following the women. They were all seated and the first course began.
The conversation during most of the dinner was about Luka, Croatia, what brought him to the states and about the Carter family travels. Even Abby was surprised to hear how many places the family had been to and wondered why John had never spoken about them. Finally, nearing the end of the dinner, talk directed towards John.
"Scooter always liked to travel, didn't he, mother?" Barbara said.
"Speaking of John, it is my understanding that Dr. Kovac here knows where John is, isn't that correct?" Millicent asked.
The question caught Luka off guard and he returned his fork to his plate, quickly swallowing the cream pie in his mouth.
"Why, yes, ma'am, I do. I drove him there myself." Luka said after swallowing.
"You have to understand, Luka, why I am suspicious. When I see my grandson suddenly deposits twenty thousand dollars into the account of his girlfriend, only one day after he has announced their engagement and then disappears? Does he ever plan on returning home?" Millicent asked. Luka was still getting over the money.
"Twenty thousand dollars?" He whispered to Abby.
Eleanor overheard. "I can assure you, Luka, that twenty thousand dollars is mere pocket change to my son." She stated, having kept basically quiet during most of the meal.
"Then why does he think he's not worth anything?" Abby questioned, something John had said popping up in her mind.
"Excuse me?" Millicent asked.
"We once were asking John how much he was worth and he wouldn't answer, kind of like he was ashamed of all the money. He said it was all your money, Millicent but he was worth virtually nothing." Abby repeated. Luka nodded.
"I remember him saying that." He said.
"That's absurd. Why John knows what he is worth as well as being heir to the estate along with Barbara. The family manages the money but John understands how much is there." Eleanor said, confused. John knew he was wealthy. Had he lied to these people?
"Then why does he feel worthless?" Barbara asked, understanding what Luka and Abby were getting at. "Gamma, when John was stabbed, did you visit him?"
"Why, of course, I did, Barbara. I believe I went twice and sent a car for him when he was released from the hospital. Your grandfather requested he move back in here during his rehabilitation."
"And how about you, mom? Did you?"
"I, uh, we were, uh…" She stammered.
"That's what I thought. Abby, I have to apologize on behalf of the entire Carter family. I didn't find out about it until nearly a year later. We weren't there for John but I have come to realize that you two have been. You and several other people have been there while we, his own flesh and blood have abandoned him." Barbara stated.
"Abandoned him? What are you talking about, Barbara? John has lived here for the past couple years and I have taken care of my grandson!" Millicent stated, throwing her napkin down.
"Taken care of him? Bullshit, Gamma. John has taken care of you. He took care of you when grandfather died and he took care of you when you broke your hip. John has always looked out for you. Even after you accused him of only caring about the money, he was willing to go off and live in poverty to prove to you that you were wrong." Barbara spat. She had no problem standing up to the Carter family, being as strong if not stronger than all the Carter women put together.
"We tried to help John but he is very stubborn." Eleanor said.
"Stubborn? You waltz in here because you and dad are getting a divorce and you make him your go between? Haven't you seen what you two have done to him? My God, mother. John loves you and dad and you two haven't spoken in months. You use John as your messenger boy and all he wants is his parents to be happy." Barbara said.
"He feels like a ping pong ball." Abby said. She'd spoken to John about his parents hours upon hours and knew how their divorce was affecting his mental state.
"Back to the original question, Dr. Kovac. Where is my son and is he planning on coming home?" Millicent asked.
Luka could feel all the eyes on him. "John has checked himself into a psychiatric facility," he started.
"Oh, God." Eleanor looked like she was going to faint.
"He doesn't want anyone to know where he is. Not even Abby knows. He just needs to get a few things in his head worked out." Luka explained.
Barbara was still raging mad. "Mother, did you know that John was sexually abused?" She asked.
"What?" Millicent exclaimed.
"Yes, Gamma. John has been experiencing these flashbacks of the abuse as well as so many other things and that is why he's committed himself." Barbara said.
"Eleanor, did you know anything about this?" Millicent asked her daughter-in-law, who just shook her head slowly.
"No, oh God, who?" Eleanor stammered.
"A maid by the name of Nicole?" Abby answered.
Eleanor looked up at her. "When?" She asked.
"It started the night Bobby died and continued for several years." Abby said softly. Both she and Luka could tell Eleanor knew nothing about this before by the shear horror they saw in a mother's eyes.
"Nicole, I'm not sure if I remember her." Millicent said, trying hard to picture a face.
"John remembers, Gamma, and that's what's important here." Barbara said.
"I remember her," Eleanor said softly, her mind going back, "She was so kind, took such good care of Johnny," She whispered.
"Damn good care, Mom." Barbara said.
"This place where he's at, is it a place that can help him?" Millicent asked, her stomach turning, thinking about how little they truly knew about their own family member.
"It is a good place. They specialize in this sort of stuff. John is experiencing what people know as PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, where he has been traumatized so many times by so many things that his mind just can't take any more. We all thought it was just from the stabbing." Luka said.
"John began to be hypnotized, trying to figure out why he feels like he'll fail at everything before he even begins," Abby explained. "And that's when we found out about the abuse. No one knew; he'd never talked about it. I'm not even sure he remembered it, honestly."
"But he does now." Barbara said quietly.
"I was hospitalized." Eleanor said softly after an uncomfortable silence.
"What, mom?" Barbara asked.
"Remember when Bobby died and you and Johnny were sent to boarding school? Remember that we didn't see you for a very long time?" Eleanor said.
"Yes, grandfather said you were busy with the business overseas." Barbara said. Eleanor shook her head.
"We weren't. When Jack and I went to France, I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like losing Bobby was all my fault. I couldn't stop crying. Jack had me committed and I was there for nearly six months."
"Oh, God." Millicent said. This was news to her also.
"It was Jack's own father that convinced him, your husband, Millicent. Said I would be an embarrassment to the family if anyone found out, said I was crazy. I wasn't crazy. I had lost my first-born son. I blamed myself." Eleanor cried.
"And in that, you lost us. Scooter needed a mother, a sister, a father, and his brother. You sent him to boarding school and he got lost in the shuffle." Barbara said.
"Will John be coming home?" Millicent asked softly.
"I hope so, with our support." Abby said, taking the older woman's hand.
"He can recover from this." Luka said. "With therapy, medication and support, he can come home and function normally."
"In this family? Dr. Kovac, the Carter's are anything but normal." Barbara commented, making everyone smile.
"No, we're not. We place too much pressure on ourselves but that changes now. We've got to help each other and one thing the Carter's are not is quitters. We'll get John through this," Millicent looked at Abby and Luka. "All of us will." Millicent touched the ring Abby still wore.
"Like it or not, Miss Lockhart, you're one of us now."
************************************************************
To be continued …..
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