After reviewing John's recent history, Dr. Bowers and Dr. Sajak agreed that John should stay in the medical facility until he had gotten some much needed rest. He had continually complained of being tired and had even missed a session with Nick yesterday afternoon after falling asleep while outside reading. Nick had felt sorry for him and didn't have the heart to wake him.
Hannah noticed John stirring and she immediately used the intercom to have Dijana paged and then made a call to the kitchen.
The Haldol had worn off long ago but John had managed to sleep right through lunch and now it was late afternoon.
"Hey sleepy head, how are you feeling?" Hannah spoke softly.
John tried to focus but things were still a bit fuzzy. "Where am I?" He croaked, recognizing the nurse. He was trying to clear his dry throat when Hannah raised the bed and handed him a small glass of water.
"You're just down the hall from where you were this morning. Do you remember what happened, John?" She asked as she went about checking his vitals.
John shook his head, drank down the water and handed the glass to Hannah, "May I have some more, please?" He ignored her question.
She refilled the glass and handed it back to him. John pushed back the covers, sat up and hung his legs over the edge of the bed. He took the glass and drank deeply, suddenly realizing that he was still in a hospital gown with the backside wide open. He needed to get up but felt a bit embarrassed. "Where are my clothes?" John stood setting the glass on the table and looked around the room trying to hold the thin fabric together in the back.
Hannah opened the closet door and pointed to John's clothes neatly folded on the shelf. "They're right here but I don't think that you are ready to leave here just yet."
"Can I at least have my shorts?" He asked irritably.
"Hello, John." Dijana smiled as she entered the room. She could see that he was still trying to wake up after his extended nap.
"Excuse me." John took his underwear from Hannah, still holding the back of his gown and went into the bathroom. After relieving himself, he put on his boxers and ran some water through his hair trying to flatten down the pieces that stuck straight out. He rinsed his mouth, wishing that he had his toothbrush and pumped out a small amount of soap onto a washcloth, scrubbing his face to washing away the sleep. Looking in the mirror, he had to admit that he did feel a lot better after finally getting some sleep.
A young nurse walked into the room with a tray and set it on the table and left.
Dijana observed John as he came out of the bathroom looking like he felt much better.
He sat up on the bed pushing back all but the sheet, which he pulled up to his waist covering himself. He really didn't feel like being in bed but he didn't want to sit around half naked either.
"John, you need to eat something, hon." Hannah pulled the tray near the bed.
She opened up the cover and set it aside, revealing a turkey sandwich with potato salad on the side.
John popped open the can of soda and drank thirstily. The food didn't really look all that bad and he was definitely hungry. He picked up a half of the sandwich and began to eat.
"John, I'd like to talk to you if I may?" Dijana pulled up a chair and sat facing John.
"Sure," he answered covering him mouth with his hand and nodding at her.
She was glad to see that he did indeed have an appetite and hoped that the sleep would help to get him on the right track.
"It's been noted that you haven't had much of an appetite, especially in the morning." She waited for him to chew his food.
"Just been too tired I guess," he claimed.
"Okay, I can buy that." She winked at him as she reviewed his charts. She could see that he was hungry and sat back to allow him to finish.
"So, why am I here?" John finally asked. He had figured that he had done 'it' again and needed to know if they where going to keep him there.
"Dr. Bowers had to sedate you so we kept you here just to monitor you." Dijana confirmed his suspicions. "I'm sure you will be able to return to your own room tonight."
"Good."
"I'd like to start by asking you a few questions about your working and sleeping habits. You have said that you work a lot of very long hours and are basically on call 24/7." She looked over her notes of their verbal conversation.
"Yeah, that's true," John nodded.
"I have here that you said you work a minimum of four 12-hour shifts a week and usually get called in on your days off, and I quote, 'I sleep when I can, eat on the run and haven't had structure in my life since before college.' Is that correct?" She watched him.
"Yeah and I just had to pull a 72 hr shift because of circumstances. Of course, I did get to sleep but I just stay at the hospital. I did get to leave for awhile when Abby brought by a picnic lunch and we went to the park," he added.
"I guess what I'm trying to get at is, that the last couple days you have been very irritable and tired. How do you manage to work these long hours and still do your job when you haven't been functioning well at all since you've been here?" She asked outright.
"Well, usually I do get to sleep when I need to. We take frequent coffee breaks and on my days off I usually get to catch up on my sleep," he answered.
"Can you tell me a little about your schedule lately, starting with the last couple weeks? What's it been like and when was the last time you've slept a full 8 hours."
"Uhmm... yeah, well a couple of weeks ago, on Monday and Tuesday, I had 8 hour night shifts. Then I was off Wednesday. Thursday started my shift from hell where I was on continually through Sunday morning at 7am. I was sent home early because Saturday evening was when I was in the helicopter crash. Then I had 3 days off but I went to Albany on Monday and came home early Wednesday morning about 3am. On Thursday and Friday I worked from 7am-7pm. Then ended up here." He smiled.
"You remember all that so easily?" She questioned finding it amusing that he could remember the littlest things in such details.
"Photographic memory," he smiled proudly. A smile that lit up his entire face and allowed his true personality to show through.
Seeing that John was avoiding the question of when he last slept a full night, she decided to approach things a bit different. "Tell me about Thursday night you said you worked 7am-7pm with the same schedule on Friday. What was that evening like and did you sleep through the night."
"Yeah, as a matter of fact I did after a... never mind..." John blushed.
"Sex? Is that what you were going to say?" Dijana tilted her head and waited for his answer.
John covered his eyes rubbing at his temples and gritted his teeth. His complexion took on a rosy shade of pink as he took in a deep breath and exhaled heavily.
She could tell that he clearly was embarrassed and did not want to talk about that. "Okay, so after you had sex, you slept through the night with no nightmares. Is that correct?"
John laughed at the idea that she seemed to relate the two events. "That's true, but one has nothing to do with the other. I mean I don't want you getting the idea that if I have sex that I don't have nightmares or problems sleeping for that matter. None of it is relative," he clarified.
"Do you have an idea what does trigger your nightmares, John?" She looked up from her notes.
"It's been a really long time since I've had any. I mean I've always had them but they've never really been bad or anything so vivid as I did after I was stabbed. For a while, it was every night and even while I was awake I'd have these flashbacks, hence the drugs. I had a few shortly after Sobriki showed up at the hospital back in January but recently I started having them a lot again, I guess because I've been remembering all this junk that's been suppressed for so long."
"Okay, so tell me about Friday. You worked another 7am -7pm shift and what happened that evening?"
John pushed away the table from in front of him and leaned back against the raised bed. He seemed to be lost in thought.
"We got home from work and showered together. We were already late but my grandmother knew that we had to work late. She had called earlier insisting that I at least make an appearance, saying that she had a surprise for me."
"You keep saying 'we'. Whom are you talking about?" Dijana asked.
"Abby." John shrugged his shoulders and played with the edge of the sheet. "My grandmother was having this big party. I was tired. I had just finished working a 12-hour shift. But I was also excited about having my family meet Abby. My mother had met her back when my grandfather died but she was just my friend at that time. I knew that I wouldn't be expected to stay long."
"Once we got there, my mom started in right away talking about how she had invited the senator's daughter but she couldn't make it. My mother is always trying to set me up with her. Abby didn't want to hear it so she told my mother that we were more than just friends. My mother wanted to know more and so Abby told her that we were sleeping together. I thought I would die but Abby was having so much fun and it was rather amusing. Then she said that we were engaged. I though my mom would have a heart attack but she just asked me if I had gotten her a ring. Abby spoke up again saying that she asked me not to saying that she couldn't wear it at work anyway."
"I found out that Gamma's surprise was that my sister was there. I haven't seen her in years and Abby and I went off to spend some time with her and my cousin."
"As it turned out, my mother told my grandmother and they called everyone together and I was given my mother's ring. My parents are getting divorced and the ring had belonged to my grandmother and my great grandmother. I was so touched and overwhelmed at the same time. I was standing there thinking, 'Man, I'm really going to do this', 'yeah this is what I've wanted for a long time'. I got down on my knee and in front of 300 people, I proposed. I was on cloud nine the rest of the evening and I couldn't wait to get home. Abby seemed so happy and I had never been happier in my entire life then I was that evening," he shrugged. "But I should have known that it was just too good to be true."
"What happened?" Dijana asked seeing his expression turn to complete sadness.
"On the way home, Abby asked me if she could keep the ring overnight, that she would give it back in the morning. She thought that it had all been a joke that I was just covering for her lies. I felt as though my heart had been torn out of my chest. I had to stop the car alongside the road. I couldn't breathe. How could she think that? How could she not know? If she really did love me like she said she did." Bitter tears streamed down John's cheeks as he turned his face away; curling up onto his side, he wept.
Dijana sat and listened. She still had so many questions that she wanted to ask but for now she would let him rest.
After a few minutes had passed, John slowly turned around facing Dijana who handed him a tissue. "I'm sorry," he croaked wiping at his eyes.
John suddenly got up from the bed and went to the closet. He grabbed his pants and started putting them on. Taking off the gown he pulled his shirt on over his head and sat down to put on his socks and shoes.
Dijana watched intently. She needed to know just what was on his mind so she just quietly observed him, making notes on his chart and allowed him to get dressed.
"Can we go outside? I really need a smoke," he sniffled. Grabbing a couple more tissues, he blew his nose and stepped into the bathroom to splash some water on his face. John had managed to quickly recompose himself.
"Sure, a little air would be nice." She stood and followed John out the door. His long legs carried him faster than she had expected and she had to practically run to keep up with him.
As soon as they were outside John had his cigarette lit. As he drew in the nicotine, he seemed to calm down and his steps slowed.
"I'm not real sure what happened after that. I remember dropping her off at the apartment and telling her I was going to the store to buy cigarettes, which I did. I started to drive back home but somehow I ended up in Kerry's neighborhood and I saw her light on so I went to see her. Everything after that is sort of a blur."
"Kerry, that's Dr. Weaver, your boss?" Dijana asked curiously.
"Yeah, we're friends, I used to rent a room from her in her basement." John added before continuing. "The only thing I can really remember clearly after that is Luka and I going back to my place. I took a shower and got dressed while he cooked breakfast and then he brought me here."
"I'm not sure why I keep losing time. That's never happened to me before and it scares the holy hell out of me."
"So I take it that you haven't talked at all to Abby about any of this?"
"What's there to talk about? It's pretty obvious that she doesn't want me."
"I'm not sure I understand what happened here. The two of you were fine when you were still at the party?" Dijana tried to understand where he drew his conclusion that Abby didn't want him.
"I thought so." John replied softly as he kicked at a small stone, rolling it around under his foot.
"John, when you asked Abby to marry you, what did she say?"
"It doesn't matter what she said, she never meant it. On the way home she said she would give the ring back in the morning. She though I should have somehow told her that it was for real and that I wasn't just joking around." He took a long drag making smoke rings and chasing them with his fingers.
Dijana found his behavior a bit amusing. She watched him play with the smoke rings for a few minutes. He finally crushed out his cigarette and lay down on the lawn on his side.
"How long have you lived with Abby?" She sat cross-legged facing him.
"I'm not sure, only about 5 months I guess. I know what your getting at and I have to tell you that we started out as just roommates until about 3 weeks ago. Abby and I have a long history of friendship that goes back about 3 years. We never seemed to get to the point where we were both free of other relationships and willing to let each other in more intimately, but once we did, it was like the heavens opened up and poured out everything we ever wanted on us or that's what I thought." He lay back on the grass with his fingers locked under his head.
"John, do you love Abby enough to talk to her? Are you willing to see if maybe this misunderstanding between you can be resolved?" She asked watching him as he lay there shaking his head. "John don't you think that you owe it to her and to yourself to find out if she is hurting as bad as you are over this?" She continued to probe, hoping that something would spark him to respond.
He suddenly sat up, staring at her for a long moment as if he was thinking hard about what she had said. "I can't...I just can't." He finally said pulling out another smoke.
"Why? Why can't you?" She urged.
"It just hurts too much. I don't want to hear her reasons. I'd rather just try to forget this entire mess and get on with my life." John shrugged.
"Well, I really would like for you to think about it, John, and if you decide that you want to talk with her, but think you may need someone with you for support, you just come find me or Nick or anyone else that you might feel comfortable with. That's what we're here for." She reached out and patted his thigh.
John just sat quietly seemingly deep in thought. Dijana couldn't help but notice how much calmer and more relaxed he was compared to any other time that she had seen him.
"John, there is one more thing that we need to discuss. I know that you're not all that thrilled with the idea of medication but I want you to seriously reconsider it. I would like to start you on 20 mg of Paxil once daily, and we can work up as necessary...Hold on." She held up her hand as he started to protest. "John... I do not need to explain to you the benefits of the drug therapy and I truly believe that in your case you'll do much better with it.
I would also strongly recommend that you start taking the Benadryl that I have prescribed, that you have refused. You need to start getting some sleep because we can't keep shooting you up with Haldol." She watched as he sat silently with his head in his hands.
"So what other drugs do you have listed in my chart?" He tilted his head slightly asking curiously.
"You stated here that you have experience headache, nausea and vomiting at times so I have a standing order for Tylenol and Zofran and Dr. Bowers gave me a few things for you." Seeing his sudden blush, she decided to take this opportunity to ask him, "So you do remember what happened?" She smiled at his embarrassment.
"I remember him tearing me a new one," he blushed again and laughed.
"I'm really sorry about that." She tried hopelessly to stifle a giggle. She just couldn't get over how easily he reddened or how cute he was when he did so.
"Other than what I have already mentioned, that's it. You can rest assure that no one is going to give you anything that's going to hurt you." Dijana assured him.
"I want to get well, at this point I'm willing to try just about anything. I don't like waking up and not knowing what happened and I don't like waking up knowing that I've been drugged. I assume it had to be pretty bad for them to think that they needed to do that." John replied as he hung his head trying to keep from looking right at her.
"Good, believe me, you won't be sorry." She reached out and took his hand. She knew that he felt out of control and this seemed to be something that really bothered him. It was time to change the subject and get back onto something less depressing.
"So what sort of activities do you like?" She asked as she got to her feet and coaxed him to do the same. "I've seen you playing pool and basketball, but you don't seem very interested in television. We've got some real couch potatoes around here." She laughed hoping to brighten back his mood.
John got up and walked alongside of her as they headed away from the facility toward the stables.
"Yeah, I love basketball. We even have a hoop in the ambulance bay; it's a real stress reliever. You have a really nice weight room here, too. I like weight training," he added.
"You seem to like the horses, also. Do you ride?" She asked.
"Yeah, I love to ride. I got to go riding with Veronica last week, when I was in Albany. It's been a really long time. I've got a few trophies and a bunch of blue ribbons from riding competition. I used to be pretty good. " His eyes lit up as he beamed with pride over his abilities.
"So what happened?" She picked up on him speaking mostly is past tense.
"College happened, I went away to the University of Pennsylvania for the first 4 years and couldn't exactly take my horse with me. I would have never had time to ride her even if I could have." He stepped inside the corral and went right up to one of the mares and petted her face.
Dijana watched as he bonded with the animal allowing it to nuzzle against him. He showed so much care and affection that Dijana could only imagine what he was like with a woman.
"What's her name?" John asked indicating the horse.
"That's Mariah, like the wind, she's a beautiful animal." Dijana commented.
"Yeah she is, aren't you?" John spoke to the horse.
"Does Abby ride?" She asked, hoping to get him to talk about her more.
"I don't know. It never came up," he shrugged.
"What sort of things do you two do together?"
John started to laugh. "Like I said we haven't been 'together' for very long so I guess you could say that we're still pretty much in the honeymoon stage," he grinned shyly. "No seriously, since so much of our time is spent at the hospital we spend a lot of time watching movies and listening to music. We both like to swing dance," he smiled. "We do go to meeting together, you know AA or NA. She's my sponsor and has been since I returned from rehab."
"Abby's your sponsor?" Dijana looked right at John in complete shock.
"Abby knows me better than anyone. Hell, she knows me better than I know myself. I owe my life to her." John explained seeing her confused expression.
"How do you owe her your life, John?" She was bewildered by his calmness as he continued to gently stoke the mare's mane.
John turned around and came face to face with Dijana. He stood for a moment as if he wasn't sure that he wanted to tell her.
"Abby caught me shooting Fentanyl in the trauma room. I had been showing her how to do a hip reduction and the guy wasn't completely out. He kicked my ass off the gurney and I hit my back on one of the carts. I got back up and insisted on finishing, even after Kerry tried to get me to call in Malucci. It wasn't all that long after I had returned to work and I was still pretty sore. I had been abusing drug for a little over 2 months already, just in small amounts, just enough to get me through my days at work." He still had a hard time admitting to others that his drug problem was anything more than an attempt to relieve his physical pain.
"Abby came back in right as I had the needle in my wrist and I knew that it was too late to try to hide it and my body was craving it so badly that I just went for it and hoped that she hadn't noticed. What I hadn't expected was that she went to Dr. Greene. I guess I thought that she would come to me first and I could convince her that it was no big deal. I had no idea at the time that she was a recovering alcoholic and she knew that I needed help. It was a good thing though because I went to rehab, got clean, and was all better and returned to work." John had picked up a horse brush and began brushing the animal.
Dijana found it interesting how he had latched on to this particular horse because she was the most stubborn one they had.
"John, while you were in rehab did you ever talk about anything besides what brought you there, anything besides the drug use or the stabbing?" She asked.
"No, at the time I guess that is the only thing that I felt was relevant. But I have come to realized that I guess there's a lot more to it then just that. I'm just not sure what that all is yet." John leaned his head against the horse's side.
"I think we should be heading back. I have an appointment this evening and I still have a few things to finish up before I can leave." She smiled at the affection he bestowed on Mariah. "You keep that up and she might even let you ride her."
"Oh, she'll let me ride her, wouldn't you girl?" John put the brush back where he found it.
"She's a pretty feisty one, but I do believe you could handle her." Dijana said.
By the time they made it back to the center, dinner had already begun.
"I know that you just ate not too long ago but maybe you would like some dessert." She escorted him into the dinning room where she stopped to talk to Roger. She explained to him that John had already eaten.
"Amanda made some homemade pies. Would you like some?" Roger asked John.
"Apple?" John asked.
"Yeah, I think there's apple. Want ice cream with that?" Roger added.
To be continued....
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n