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Kerry stalked out of the examination room after giving Robert a piece of her mind and checked the lounge where she'd left Abby. She was still upset that Robert had not given any confirmation as to whether he would support John and this still weighed heavily on her mind.



Susan was in with her, holding Abby while she cried. They both looked up when Kerry entered.



"You've got some guts there, Kerry." Susan laughed softly, only having heard the beginning of the conversation where Kerry had been yelling at him.



"Can you leave us alone, Susan? Oh, and Susan, if there are no traumas, I want 'every' staff member in here in five minutes." Kerry motioned Susan to let her sit down.



"Uh, okay," Susan, said, questioning.



Abby tried to wipe her tears away as Kerry sat next to her. "Did you really call him a pompous ass?" Abby tried to joke, rolling her spent tissues in her hands.



"I guess I did." Kerry snickered. "Listen, Abby, I need to make sure that you're okay. John is going to be fine. He's decided he needs a bit more help than what he was getting with Veronica and he's going to be gone for a while. Luka is with him." Kerry explained.



"Luka?" Abby laughed slightly amused at the idea of Luka helping John.



"Yes, Abby. Luka is taking him someplace where John can get his thoughts together," she said.



Abby shook her head. "They'll kill each other. Kerry, how could you get Luka involved in this? How much does Luka know? Why didn't you call me?" Abby couldn't understand why Kerry didn't get her involved.



"Abby, I needed some help this morning. I needed someone that John was, well, a bit afraid of," Kerry said.



"He did it again? Kerry, I don't understand what's happening to him. What is going on in his head?" Abby asked.



"Abby, John is suffering from PTSD relating to so many things, Hon. It is treatable. You do know that, don't you? John is not crazy; he's just been through so much. I do know that he loves you and that he's one of the best doctors this hospital has ever seen. He will be coming back and he will come back to you to, dear."



Kerry could see people looking through the window of the lounge. She motioned them to come in. "Now I need to take care of his reputation." She smiled as staff members began filling the room, curious as to why they were all being called into a meeting.



Abby wiped her face as her fellow co-workers began coming in. Haleh sat next to Abby, taking a hold of Abby's hands. Kerry stood at the head of the room, waiting for her staff.



"Okay, that's it, Kerry." Susan said as she came into the room and sat at the table.



Kerry whistled to get everyone's attention. "Okay, people. This will be short and sweet," she announced. "I understand that many of you have been talking and that the rumor mill has spread some vicious rumors about a member of our staff throughout this hospital." She glared at those she knew participated regularly in the gossip.



"John Carter has taken an emergency leave of absence and I'm not sure when he will be returning, however he WILL be returning. I believe that there have been some speculations regarding drug use and I just want to clarify for the record that that is not the case." Kerry took a deep breath.



"I am not at liberty to discuss his situation but I assure you that this leave was HIS choice and not a decision made by this hospital. I will not, in any way, allow cruel, heartless rumors to float around amongst the staff in this department. If you cannot be supportive of his personal decisions, then I will expect your resignation in my box by the end of the day," Kerry stated.



"If he's gone long is the hospital gonna let him come back?" Malik asked.



"I'm working on that, Malik." Kerry nodded.



"Dr. Carter will return, when and only when he feels that he is ready." Robert announced as he walked to the front of the room, much to everyone's surprise. "And this hospital will still have a job for him in this department. I'd also like to add that as far as the rumor mill is concern if I hear one negative word about Dr. Carter, I will personally make sure you are terminated."



"Thank you, Robert." Kerry smiled, a bit shocked. She didn't quite understand why he was being supportive but she really didn't care why.



"Now, spend the tax payers money wisely and get back to work," Robert said.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



"John," Dr. Sajak asked. "You have a choice of whether or not you want Luka in here." John looked at Luka, who looked back.



"Uh, yeah, he can be here," John finally said.



"You two must be very close," Dr. Sajak said.



Both John and Luka chuckled.



Dr. Sajak looked up amused. "Oh, are you two lovers?" She asked, causing both men to burst out laughing.



"Uh, no, no!" John tried to contain himself. "Honestly, we've been pretty much at each other's throats for the last three years." John admitted.



Dr. Sajak looked at him with a smile. "All right. Let's start with your admission paperwork. John, how much information does Luka know or do you want him to know?" She asked, handing John a clipboard.



John was still chuckling as he looked at Luka.



"There's only two people who can know I'm here. Luka is one of them. He can have access to anything and he knows quite a bit," John nodded, noticing Luka's slight grin.



"While you fill out the paperwork, do you mind if I talk to Luka about what he knows?" Dr. Sajak asked.



A flash of fear spread across John's face. He wasn't sure if he was comfortable with that idea or not. He really wasn't even sure of how much Luka did know and that left him feeling a bit at a disadvantage.



Dr. Sajak smiled. "John, I need to understand what you're dealing with, all right? I can't help you if I don't know," she said.



"Okay, I guess," John, said as Luka and Dr. Sajak left the room. John somehow felt that he could trust Luka.



Dr. Sajak led Luka to another office and they sat down. "He's very nervous. Are you sure this is voluntary? You aren't his boss or anything, are you?" She asked.



"No, not technically. His boss is the other name he's going to give you. He's very nervous about anyone finding out that he's here," Luka said.



"I'm assuming Williams is not his real name?" She asked, reaching for a legal pad.



"Uh, no, it is not, but John is," Luka admitted.



"That's fine, Luka. He wouldn't be the first person we've had to protect. So, why don't you tell me what you know about John and his behaviors? Is he suicidal, a self-mutilator, using drugs or alcohol, or a victim of abuse?" She asked.



Luka took a deep breath thinking that she would need a very big pad of paper to write down all of John's problems and Luka was sure he only knew the tip of the iceberg.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



John tapped the pen on the desk as he stared at the piece of paper in front of him. He'd finished with the standard address, consent forms, history and operations forms. Now he looked at a self-assessment tool.





In stressful situations, have you ever experienced any of the following?



1. Chest pains or pressure… No

2. A feeling of choking… Yes.

3. Restlessness…Yes.

4. Inability to speak… Yes.

5. Exhaustion… Yes.

6. Feelings of being isolated… Yes.

7. Excessive worrying… Yes.

8. Feelings of tenseness or irritability… Yes

9. Unable to concentrate… Yes.

10. Fear of losing control… Yes.

11. Aggression… Yes.

12. Sweating… Yes.

13. Nausea… Yes.

14. Vomiting… Yes.

15. Headaches… Yes.

16. Dizziness… Yes.

17. Shaking or trembling… Yes.

18. A fear of going crazy… Yes.

19. Fear of dying… No.

20. Flashbacks… Yes.

21. Difficulties with sleep… Yes.

22. Nightmares… Yes.



He laughed as he read back over the list. He wondered if he received extra points for a 'yes' answer. Then he continued.



Have you ever been a victim of…or witnessed any of the following - briefly explain.



1. Vehicle accident in which someone was a. killed, or b. seriously injured… Yes… I ran over a kid with an ambulance and in retaliation the EMT was later shot in the head and died because they were after me.



2. Rape…Yes… Well, My parents' maid sexually abused me at age 11 until I was 14.



3. An assault or personal attack, resulting in trauma, or death… Yes… My medical student and I were brutally attacked by a knife-wielding psycho in the ER and she died as a result of her injuries and my lack of attention.



4. War… No… Unless this counts family wars.



5. Death of a loved one… Yes… My older brother died of leukemia when I was 11. My roommate committed suicide when I was in med school. My grandfather just died a year ago.



'Man, these people are going to lock me up and throw away the keys.' He looked around the office. It seemed like this Dr. Sajak had extensive training, judging by all the certificates on the wall. John got up and began to look around. Luka and the doctor had been gone a long time. He picked up a brochure. 'An innovative psychiatric hospital,' he read. He had to chuckle at himself. He never figured he'd end up in a place like this.



"John, we hope you didn't have to wait long." Dr. Sajak stated as she and Luka returned.



"Uh, no, actually I just finished. So, did you two have a nice chat?" He asked, trying to tell by Luka's eyes what they had discussed. Luka could be so hard to read.



"All right, John, based on the information that Luka has given me, I have decided to allow your admission." Dr. Sajak began to pull out various forms and pamphlets.



John looked at Luka strangely. "What did you tell her?" He whispered.



Luka just nodded and motioned John to pay attention to Dr. Sajak. She smiled.



"This is some information about our center and some house rules. You will get up at 6am and everyone must be in his or her rooms at 9pm. Lights out is at 10pm. The rooms are double occupancy and not co-ed. No one must be in his or her rooms during the day without permission. There will be group sessions as well as individual counseling sessions throughout the day. Breakfast is served from 7am until 8am, lunch will be at noon, and dinner is at 5pm. You are required to attend every meal. We do allow residents to get additional snacks from the kitchen at anytime but everything you eat must be checked out by a staff member and written in your dietary log. You will eventually earn points for outside time unsupervised as well as time off campus. Are you married, John?" She asked.



John just sat there, looking at the schedule. He felt much more like he was in prison rather than a treatment facility. He slowly shook his head looking at Luka. "I can't, uh, I can't do this, Dr, Sajak. I mean the last time I had a bedtime was when I was eight."



"John," Dr. Sajak began, "We have discovered that people who suffer from past traumas do much better from within a structured environment, so that they understand what is expected of them and when. Every patient in this program has to abide by the same schedule." She explained.



John still sat there shaking his head.



"John, some of our rules are really not as strict as they sound, say if during the day you need to use the bathroom, or just want something from your room, we don't expect you to have to ask. We just don't want you hiding out in there for long periods, isolating yourself from others." Dr. Sajak tried to put him at ease.



"Doctor, I don't mean to disrespect your program but I have been a doctor for eight years. As an Intern, I did 36-hour shifts, kept up with my classes and all the papers and lectures, and managed. As a Resident, I did 24-hr shifts and switched from nights to days with a 6-hour break. I am on call 24/7. I work a minimum of 4 12-hour shifts a week, which rotate periodically between days and nights. I usually get called in during my days off. I sleep when I can, eat on the run and haven't had structure in my life since before college." John explained as he rubbed the back of his neck.



Dr. Sajak looked at Luka and his face confirmed what John was saying. Dr. Sajak thought for a moment.



"John, I'd like you to try to keep the schedule. I understand that you are here voluntarily but I cannot restructure my entire Center's programs for one person, although I am sure that we can work on a few adjustments if it becomes necessary." She added with a smile, seeing how completely uncomfortable John seem to be with the idea of a schedule.



"Dr. Sajak, I certainly don't expect you to, either. I just don't know if I can do this." John sounded so unsure.



"Just try it, John. If not for you, then for Abby," Luka suggested.



John looked at him for a while. "Okay, for a while. If it doesn't work, then I can go, right?" He looked to both for confirmation.



"John, if it doesn't work out, talk to me before you make any decisions you may regret, all right? Do not set yourself up for failure before you even get started," she smiled.



John nodded, looking to Luka and them back at Dr. Sajak.



"John, why don't you two take a tour of the grounds while I get a file set up and get your room assignment, all right? You and I will have more of a chat later." She said, taking the paperwork John had completed. She handed John a guest pass and gave Luka a temporary staff badge and led them out the door.



John was still hesitant as he fumbled with the pass, clipping it onto his shirt.

"Okay," he finally said, following Luka with suspicious eyes.



'This one is so easy to read.' Dr Sajak thought, watching John's body movements. She smiled.



"You okay?" Luka asked as the two men made their way into what appeared to be a recreation room, complete with pool and ping pong tables.



"Uh, yeah, sure," John replied. He smiled nervously to the couple people they passed.



"You play pool?" Luka asked, just trying to get John to talk. He'd obviously closed himself up again.



"Yeah, that kept me sane while I was in Atlanta." John commented, feeling a bit trapped. "Uh, Luka, did you two talk about this whole thing being voluntary?"



"Why? You want to leave already?" Luka tried to joke.



John's expression remained solemn. "Uh, no. I guess I'm just nervous not knowing what you two talked about." John said as Luka led him out to a patio.



"Carter, you wanted me involved. If you do not want me involved, I will understand." Luka said as they looked out onto the property. It really was beautiful.



"That's not what I'm saying. I guess what I'm saying is, well, that I'm scared. I'm scared every day of my life but this is almost overwhelming, you know?" John said, squinting from the sun.



"You are scared every day? You always seem so in control," Luka said.



John laughed. "I'm scared all the time. You know when I'm most scared? When I'm in a trauma. When someone is depending on me to make them better." He admitted.



Luka shook his head. "I think all of us are scared then, Carter," Luka said softly.



"Do you ever get scared?" John asked, sounding hopeful.



"Yes," Luka nodded.



"What scares you, Luka?" John had this overwhelming desire to know more about Luka.



"I think what scares me is the thought of never finding anyone like Danjiela again," Luka said.



"Your wife?" John asked. Luka nodded. "I told you I proposed to Abby, right?" John was beginning to feel a bit more relaxed talking to Luka.



"Yes, you did." Luka replied. He opened the door into a rather large gym with a basketball court and a staircase that led up to a loft. Up above John could see all the weight training equipment.



"Think she'll stick around for me?" John questioned as he picked up a basketball and began dribbling it around the court.



"Carter, Abby has been in love with you for years. She told me you were her soul mate." Luka said watching John as he busied himself with the ball.



"Soul mate, huh?" John thought about it for a few minutes. "Soul mate? Hm, maybe she does love me after all." He sent the ball sailing through the air.



"Yes," he shouted as the ball sank through the hoop.



Luka smiled hoping that his sudden burst of excitement was more about Abby then about basketball.



~~~~~~~~~~~~



Abby entered her apartment and went into her room. She opened the drawer of the nightstand and took out the ring that she had left there in the morning. Bitter tears streamed down her face as she read the note that she found on the bed. She already missed him so much it hurt. She was completely exhausted and overwhelmed by the events of the day. Curling up on the bed, she was almost asleep when she heard a rather loud knocking on the door.



She half thought about not answering it until she heard a very familiar and panicked pair of voices calling out John's name.



"John, are you in there?" The voices of Eleanor and Millicent Carter reverberated through the thick door.



"Oh, shit!" Abby cursed, suddenly remembering that she was going to call John's grandmother.



Abby wiped at her face as she ran to answer the door. She was still trying to compose herself as she opened the door and was practically run over by the distraught women still looking for John as Eleanor pushed Millicent's wheel chair inside.



"Oh, God, I'm sorry," Abby sniffed as she tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. "I should have called. Please have a seat. Can I get you some tea or something?" She managed to remember her manners.



"Abby, have you heard from John? I see that his Jeep is here, is he here?" Eleanor spewed out questions as fast as they entered her brain, not even giving Abby a chance to answer.



Abby nodded as she poured water into a kettle and set it on the stove.

"He was here but I didn't see him. I was at the hospital." Abby began to cry.



Millicent wheeled towards Abby and took her hand. "Abby, do you know where he is?" She asked calmly trying very hard to make heads or tails out of what Abby meant.



Abby wept uncontrollably as Millicent encouraged her to sit down. "Abby, Honey, help me out of this damned thing and we'll sit over here. I want you to tell me what you know." Millicent reached for a handful of tissues from a box on the coffee table and handed them to Abby.



It took her a minute to compose herself. She helped Millicent to the sofa and she sat along side her.



Abby tried to figure out just how she was going to explain this all to them. "I don't know where he is… but… I… know… that… he's…safe." Abby choked through the tears that had started all over again.



Abby was startled by the sudden whistle of the teakettle and started to get up, to tend to it.



"Sit," Millicent ordered then turned her attention to her daughter-in-law.



"Eleanor, would you be a dear and fix the tea," she asked politely.



Still trying to drag the information that she so desperately needed to hear from Abby, she lifted Abby's downcast face and spoke once again.



"Safe? What do you mean, child," the elderly woman persisted.



Abby didn't know if she should tell her, after all, if John didn't even want her to know, he certainly didn't want his family to know where he was.



"I told you that John has been having a lot of problems lately and he needed help. He…he…um…. " Abby broke down in tears, her exhaustion rendered her unable to keep her emotions from spilling forth.



"It's okay, dear, maybe you should just rest for a while. We'll stay right here until you can get yourself under control." Millicent said softly, she realized that Abby was just too distraught to think straight.



Eleanor sat the cups on the coffee table and poured the tea. Sitting down on the love seat she quietly sipped hers. She watched as Millicent stroked Abby's soft dark hair resting against her shoulder. She had never been that close to the woman but she had seen these little tender displays of affection from Millicent toward her own children on many occasions. She knew that John loved his grandmother dearly and it suddenly occurred to her that given the fact that John, Sr. had just recently passed away, that John would be left feeling completely alone in this world when Millicent also passed on.



Her eyes drifted towards Abby as she wondered if she would be around for John. It seemed as if Abby had fallen asleep. Eleanor stood and guided Abby's head to the pillow on the sofa and looked at Millicent.



"I think that I should call Barbara, she can stay here with Abby maybe she'll have better luck figuring out what happened to John." Eleanor suggested as she picked up the phone and dialed the number.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Soon after Barbara arrived, Eleanor picked up all the teacups and took them to the kitchen. Barbara was putting away some containers of food that Corrine had sent over insisting that she make sure that Abby got something substantial to eat.



"Just leave that stuff, Mom, I'll take care of it," Barbara offered wanting to get rid of the elder Carter women. She helped Eleanor get Millicent back into her wheel chair and politely pushed them out the door.



Barbara checked out the collection of CD's and found something soft and quiet to put on. She smiled at some of the selections thinking that they had to be Abby's, as she had never heard her brother listening to some of these.



She went about cleaning up the teacups and wiping down the counter. She watched from the kitchen as Abby stirred, finding herself a more comfortable position. Eleanor had managed to explain to her that Abby had worked her shift at the hospital but she was to upset and tired to be able to explain what had happened to John.



After settling down in the love seat she was soon engrossed in a novel. It was a couple hours later when Abby finally woke.



Looking at her watch and then at Barbara, Abby stood and stretched. She was glad so see that Eleanor and Millicent had left. Abby wasn't sure if she could deal with them right now.



"Hello, sleepy head," Barbara smiled as she closed her book.



"Hey," Abby replied still wiping the sleep from her eyes. "I suppose they sent you here to find out what happened to John." She smirked sounding slightly agitated.



"Not if you don't want to tell me." Barbara stood, " I came to check on you to see if you're okay, I know that's what John would want," she grinned.



Abby couldn't help but think of John as she looked at Barbara. They looked so much alike; they even had the same smile and dark brown eyes that Abby found so irresistible.

"I doubt John gives a damn about me, he doesn't even want to see me." Abby pulled her cigarettes from her purse and stepped out onto the balcony. Her messy hair blew in the night wind as she tried to sweep it from her face. Leaning against the wall she sucked deeply of the nicotine and blew the smoke out.



Barbara joined her on the balcony leaning against the wrought iron railing.



"Abby, I have never seen John happier that he was last night. He loves you very much, now I don't know what happened after you two left but I do know John… and after he cools off he'll….



"He'll what… he'll be back. Is that what you were going to say." Abby laughed. "No, Barbara he won't be back. Not for a very long time." Abby slumped to the floor sitting with her face in her hands and cried. "I ruined everything. I wanted it to be real but I just wanted to be sure. He was so hurt that I doubted his words that he left…" Abby wiped the tears and inhaled the soothing smoke. She didn't have the strength to tell Barbara any more.



Barbara walked inside and settled back down on the love seat. She knew that she would have to wait for Abby to calm down before she could find out any more.



Abby sat outside for a while just thinking about John. She wanted so badly to talk to him to tell him how sorry she was. She understood that he needed help and needed to get well, but she so desperately wanted to be there for him. She also thought about calling Veronica and Brandon, but she really didn't know what to tell them. How could she tell them what she had done to John? Or that she didn't even know where he was. 'They would hate her also,' she thought.



Barbara decided to busy herself in the kitchen. Corrine had sent over some meatloaf and mashed potatoes and gravy along with some mixed vegetables. She heated up the containers and searched for plates and silverware. After heating up the food and placing it on the plates, Barbara called Abby in.



"Abby, Corrine fixed a very nice dinner for us. Why don't you come in and join me." Barbara poked her head out the door.



Abby was still sitting against the wall with her knees against chest with another cigarette in her hand. She didn't seem to be in the mood to talk as she just looked up at Barbara and then back down at her feet.



"I can bring it out there if you would like," Barbara offered. "We could have a little picnic on the balcony?" She tried, still not getting any response from Abby so she went back inside.



Barbara sat a plate next to Abby and sat across from her with her plate in her lap. "Corrine makes a really great meatloaf," Barbara said as she began to eat her meal. She could see that Abby was about as stubborn as her brother but she had always been pretty good at getting John to do things that he didn't want to do. She sat quietly for a few more minutes and sure enough Abby brought the plate up to her lap as they sat out in the dark and ate together.



After a few bites Abby turned to Barbara. "He committed himself," was all Abby said.



Barbara understood.





To be continued…………………
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