Morning came quickly, as John was rudely awakened by the loud and thunderous music of Grace Jones. 'Oh, God,' he thought, 'of all the CD's that Kerry owned she would have to pick this one.' "Ring of Fire" 'How appropriate,' he thought. 'My life is just one big living Hell!'
Looking around the room, he suddenly wondered why he was here. As he struggled to remember, he sat up a bit too fast making himself nauseous. He quickly made his way to the bathroom.
Kneeling in front of the toilet, he violently began to vomit until there was nothing left to come up. His stomach was still very much upset as he continued to dry heave, over and over again until he had no strength left. His head was spinning and he needed to lie down.
John found himself lying on the cold tiled floor and for a moment, it felt good against his warm cheek. He really wasn't feeling well and he didn't think that it was from the booze. His heart ached and he felt completely numb to the idea that he had once again allowed himself to be strung along. He closed his eyes and resigned himself to stay right where he was.
Falling into a deep sleep once more, his mind wandered. He dreamt of Abby standing in an open field surrounded by several of his past lovers. There was Harper and Liz, Elaine and Roxanne and a couple others from college. All women that he had fallen head over heels with, and all that had left him. Well, it wasn't fair to count Roxanne since he had actually been the one to dump her but there she was, standing amongst the others who gathered to taunt him.
'Boy, John you are so gullible.' He heard the voices mocking him as they all giggled and pointed at him. The dream continued and so did the voices, taunting him and reminding him that he would always be alone.
He wanted to wake up and he tried to open his eyes.
'You can't run away, John, there's nowhere to hide.' He felt himself running faster than he'd ever ran in his life, thinking that if he could just run away, he wouldn't have to hear them anymore.
All he wanted to do was to sleep in peace. "Why won't you just leave me alone?" He begged. He needed to make it stop but he didn't know how.
John's eyes opened but he could not move, the pain he felt was so excruciating that he could not decipher where it even came from. Then his gaze fixated on her lying across the room covered with blood, those ice blue eyes staring back at him, accusing him. 'Look what you've done John.' He heard her voice even though she had not spoken.
"Lucy," he cried, "Oh, God, I'm so sorry, I never wanted this to happen. Please forgive me." He reached out his hand and tried to move toward her but he couldn't, he was paralyzed by his own fear. The room began to expand and Lucy was drifting away from him.
Behind Lucy, John saw a dark figure appear. He was severely deformed and never looked directly at John. He leaned over, picked Lucy's limp, bloodied body off the floor and held her close. 'I'll take care of her John,' the voice scoffed at him.
Suddenly from out of nowhere, John saw a young boy dancing in circles around him.
'You can't catch me. You can't catch me.' The boy slowing faded away and John could still hear the familiar chant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kerry stood in her kitchen fully dressed and ready for work. She didn't have to start until 9am but was used to waking early. She mixed up one of her favorite fruit smoothies, hoping John would be up soon. Between the loud music and the blender, she thought for sure that John would come crawling out of the basement any minute. It was still early enough for him to make it into work on time, if he got a move on. After another 20 minutes of waiting, she finally decided that she should go down and wake him up.
She knew that he hated it when she yelled from the top of the stairs and since he was now her guest and not her tenant, she decided it would be more considerate to wake him gently. As she entered the basement, she saw that the door to the bedroom was slightly ajar but not knowing for sure what he would be wearing, if anything, she knocked lightly.
"John, are you awake?" She called out softly, not wanting to startle him if he was still asleep. "John, it's past 6:00 a.m., Hon, you need to get up." She knocked again. Still not getting an answer, she thought for a moment that maybe his request for time off meant immediately. She hadn't thought about that. Everyone knew that they were short-handed and any request for time off would have to be given in advance.
She opened the door slowly and looked inside. She didn't want to embarrass him in case he wasn't decent. She knew that he sometimes had a habit of becoming tangled in his bedding and occasionally had seen him sprawled out on top of the rumpled covers, in only his underwear. Not that she would have ever let him know that she saw him that way. John was usually quite modest around her.
As she peered inside the empty room, she also noticed the door to the bathroom wide open and saw John curled up in the middle of the floor.
"John, are you okay?" She asked, as she approached with caution, still not wanting to cause him any undo humiliation. As she stepped into the room, she could not help but to notice the foul stench in the air. She reached over, flushed the toilet, and knelt down next to John. She really hadn't thought that he had drunk enough to get sick, although he had knocked back an awful lot for someone who didn't drink. There had been times when she had seen him drinking when he lived with her but he was usually able to keep up with her quite well. She had seen him pass out on the sofa a few times but even then, he had never gotten sick.
"John, wake up," she said as she shook his shoulder. His skin was ice cold and clammy. Kerry figured if he wasn't in any shape to go to work, then he should at least get up and get into bed.
"No, please, I'll be good," he whimpered as he pulled back away from her. His voice was so small and child-like.
Kerry smiled, amused at first, thinking that he was dreaming. She had no idea that he was lost in his past.
"Come on, John, let's get you into bed," Kerry smiled, trying to help him off the cold floor.
"I don't wanna, please don't make me do it," he cried, only this time Kerry became concerned. This did not seem like a dream and she noticed that even though his eyes were closed, there were tears streaming from the sides and his entire body was shaking. Kerry reached to feel for a temperature but John swatted her hand away.
"No, please, don't….please…" he pleaded as he curled up tighter and began to cry.
Kerry was at a complete loss as she realized that he was lost inside himself.
She had spoken briefly with Abby and Veronica about this back a couple of weeks ago, when Abby had called her to come over because John had cut his hand, later Abby had assured her that John said he had never done anything like that before.
She had told Veronica that she had only witnessed one time, when she had found him sitting in the corner rocking back and forth but he had responded immediately to her voice.
She felt bad that after all this time, she had never tried to talk to him about this or to see if he needed help.
She knew that there was no way that she could do anything for him. She couldn't even get him onto the bed by herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
After stabilizing the last patient, Luka approached the admit desk. He was supposed to have had the day off and he wasn't happy about being called in.
"Has anyone heard from Carter?" he asked gruffly. He noticed Abby shrink whenever anyone mentioned John's name. "Abby, what's going on with Carter? Where is he?" He asked, a bit more softly but still with a hint of annoyance.
"I don't know," she mumbled quietly. She was so close to tears and Luka was the last person she wanted to see her cry.
"What?" Luka asked, honestly not having understood her.
"I don't know!" She yelled back, shocking several of the nurses. Just then, the phone rang. Frank held out the receiver to Luka.
"It's Dr. Weaver, for you," he said. Luka took one last look at Abby before going to the phone.
"Yeah, Kerry? What is it?" Luka answered still displeased at the idea of having to work on his day off.
"Luka, I need for you to call the temp agency and arrange for someone who is willing to work full-time for a couple of months, maybe more. Get someone to cover immediately and then I need for you to come by my house as soon as you can get away." Kerry ordered, her voice telling Luka that whatever was going on she needed him now.
Luka called the agency and arranged for a replacement, then turned to Dr. Chen who was getting ready to leave. Her shift had technically ended an hour ago but she had gotten busy with a trauma and found herself unable to leave.
"Dr. Chen, I have called a temp to cover for John but I have an emergency and I have to leave. I need for you to 'hold down the post'," he smiled, not knowing if he got his terms correct.
"That's fort, Luka. Hold down the fort," she corrected him. "Yeah, okay, I guess I didn't have anything else to do anyway." She answered as she sat down at the desk to review some charts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eleanor returned to the car from the apartment building, where Millicent sat waiting with bated breath.
"Well?" She asked urgently.
"No one is answering." Eleanor said, feeling more and more nervous. "Do we check at the hospital?"
"Well, I'm sure he didn't drop off the face of the earth, dear. Someone there has got to know what is going on. God knows he thinks of them more as his family than us." Millicent spat. "You know, you have really failed that boy, you and Jack, both!"
"We have? You've spent more time with him than I have. Don't even try to pull that superior attitude with me, Millicent!" Eleanor raised her voice to her soon-to-be ex-mother-in-law.
"Have you thought that maybe that's part of his problem? You were never there for your own son! No wonder he can't commit to a relationship! All the women in his life have abandoned him over and over again!"
"I've abandoned him? And just what have you been doing? I mean he's lived in the same house with you for most of his life? Where were you when John needed you?" Eleanor yelled.
"John is a very independent young man," Millicent defended.
"Damn right he is and where do you think he got that from? His role models are all very independent men, executives, men of power."
"Men who left the women to manage the families!" Millicent stated.
"Men who were cruel and heartless and strong," Eleanor said loudly as she began to break down. She stared at Millicent for the longest time when she realized at least part of the problem.
"John isn't cruel and heartless," Eleanor said, trying to hold back a sob.
"And I'm afraid he isn't very strong right now," Millicent said quietly. Both women sat in silence, both knowing they'd failed John.
"What did we do to hurt him so badly?" Eleanor asked no one.
Millicent touched her daughter-in-law's face, a sign of warmth not shared many times over the years.
"It may be what we didn't do, dear." Millicent placed her hand over Eleanor's as the two women sat silently, all possible hiding places running through their heads as Algier drove to the hospital.
Eleanor sat upright as she felt the car come to a stop. Both women checked one another's makeup before getting out of the car Eleanor came around as Algier was helping Millicent into her wheelchair. Pushing the chair into the hospital, Eleanor stopped to look around.
The ER was crazy, as it had been all morning. People watched the two women come in, obviously in the wrong place amongst the usual welfare crowd.
"Excuse me, is Dr. Carter here?" Eleanor demanded more than asked.
Randi looked this regal woman up and down before answering.
"Who are you?" She asked, snapping her gum.
"Eleanor Carter and I'm looking for my son," she said. "Is John here?" Eleanor asked, looking around. She saw Abby come out of an exam room. "Abby!"
The brunette nurse looked up, shocked to see both Eleanor and Millicent at the front desk. 'Oh, if she had never called them, they wouldn't be here now.'
"Hi, why don't you follow me into the lounge and I'll explain what I know." Abby stood strong in front of these women. This was her job now, to be strong.
The two women followed Abby into the lounge.
"What the hell was that all about?" Randi asked. Jing-Mei walked up behind her.
"What?" She asked.
"Carter's gone AWOL and now his mother and grandmother show up out of the blue looking for him? Something is going on. I bet he relapsed." Randi muttered.
"What are you talking about, Randi? John?" Jing-Mei asked, shocked to hear Randi speak of John in that manner.
"Oh, please, Dr. Chen. Everyone knows he was shooting up in the trauma room and got sent away to get clean. Ask me and I bet he hasn't stayed clean. He's been acting really weird lately," Randi said. Several other people were beginning to listen more closely.
"What are you two talking about?" Susan asked.
"About how Dr. Carter is using again," Randi said.
"He is? Oh, my God," Lydia said, hearing only the end of the conversation.
"Who's what?" Haleh asked Malik.
"Carter was caught shooting up again," he said.
"Must be why he's not here." Yosh added as he walked by.
"Carter is not on drugs, you guys!" Susan yelled.
"How would you know?" Malik said under his breath.
"Honey, none of us knew he was using before." Haleh added, nodding her head.
"This is John we're talking about." Susan insisted.
"He ain't the same little boy he was when he first got here." Haleh said as she walked away.
"None of us are the same." Jing-Mei stated dryly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Abby searched for a couple of clean cups as she allowed the women to settle around the table.
"John has been going through some emotional changes over the last, well, since the stabbing. He's been having more and more trouble and I think he's finally bottomed out." Abby explained, handing both ladies a cup of coffee.
"He's been seeing a therapist for several weeks now. John has been undergoing hypnosis therapy and she's been able to identify several events in his life that have continued to affect him in his adult life." Abby explained.
"What 'events' have been identified, Miss Lockhart?" Eleanor asked coldly. Abby didn't know how much to say and if saying anything was appropriate. This was his family but she didn't know how much he would want them to know.
"John has several issues he's dealing with right now and he just needs some time." Abby stated, hoping they'd accept that as an answer.
"How long have you known my grandson, Miss Lockhart?" Millicent asked.
"Since before the stabbing." Abby replied matter-of-factly.
"John never has chosen women that were good for him." Eleanor said, looking right at Abby.
Abby couldn't believe it. Of course, his mother would blame her. Blame anyone but herself. It went right along with what she'd learned already about this family. Abby laughed angrily.
"As much as you want to believe it, I'm not the problem! The problems he's dealing with began in his childhood, issues relating to the almighty Carter family!" She spat.
"What?" Eleanor yelled.
"Look, John is hurting and I might have been the last one to break his heart, and if I knew where he was, my God, I'd be there for him," she admitted, too empty to cry anymore.
"Abby, we need you," Malik yelled from the door. She looked up at him for several seconds. She finally turned back to the two women.
"I've got to go back to work. I'll call you if I hear anything," she said, looking into both of their eyes.
Millicent and Eleanor sat silently, knowing no more than when they'd arrived except the fact that Miss Lockhart knew information but she wasn't talking.
To be continued…………..
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