"Benton? Yeah, he made a difference in my life." John nodded as their horses walked slowly back to the house. "Peter was different, though. He was always pushing me, making me do more, telling me I wasn't doing it right, making me try harder. I could never do anything well enough for Peter Benton." He smiled. "Peter was hard but I don't think anyone in my life taught me more. He and Mark Greene," John said.
Veronica and John had been talking for hours about all the men in John's life. His father and grandfather, Jason, and then the many men from the hospital – Anspaugh, Romano, Greene, Benton, Dennis, Malucci and even Luka. Veronica was always amazed at John's memory, his ability to remember such details of the littlest things but his absolute denial to remember big things.
"There you two are," Brandon smiled seeing them walking toward the house from the stable. "John, you're in trouble."
"Why?" He asked.
"Well, it's after five and Abby just called. She sounded pretty frantic. Something about you promising to call her?" He laughed, seeing the fear in John's eyes.
"Oh, I'm in trouble all right," he said, checking his watch. He looked at Veronica.
"Go, Honey. I understand and you do not want to get on her bad side," she joked.
"Thanks," John replied, rushing into the house and up the stairs to the guest room. Breathlessly, he quickly dialed their number.
Abby picked up on the first ring. "John?" She said sounding terrified.
"I'm so sorry, Abby, I slept late and Veronica and I got to talking and time just got away from me. I'm so sorry." He fidgeted with the phone cord, running his hands through his hair over and over.
"John, it's okay, really. I was just worried about you," she said, finally calming down.
"I miss you," he said, taking a deep breath.
"So, have you gotten anything done, you know, with therapy?" She asked. He shook his head and then realized she couldn't see him.
"Actually, no. I fell asleep on Veronica yesterday and today we've just been talking. We're going to have a session tonight after dinner. What did you do today?" He asked, lying on the bed.
"Laundry and I did some grocery shopping and cleaning. Weaver called a bit ago and she gave me the night off, something about being overstaffed or something."
"That must be a nice surprise," he said.
"It would be if you were here. Now I have to sleep in the bed all alone," she whined.
"You may actually get a full night's sleep then," John chuckled.
"I did go to a meeting this afternoon. Everyone says hello," she continued. "Your mother called. She's having a family dinner on Friday and wants you to come. She said it was okay for you to bring a date," Abby giggled.
"Hm, I wonder what Deb's doing Friday night?" He joked.
"John Truman Carter, don't you dare!" She scolded.
"My full name huh, I must really be in trouble?" He asked, smiling.
"She says your grandmother is feeling up to having guests. She's been giving the physical therapist a bunch of shit, I guess," she said.
"Just how long did you and my mother spend on the phone?" He asked, loving the happy tone in her voice.
"Long enough. She says Chase is even going to be there. She says he's been getting out once in a while for these field trips, or that's how she put it. I'm looking forward to meeting him," she said.
"Really must be some big deal for them to have Chase there." John mused.
"Yeah, she also said that your grandmother has a surprise for you so you had better at least make an appearance." Abby continued to relay all the news.
"Are you ready to be introduced to my family?" He chuckled.
"As your friend or as your girlfriend?" She asked.
"How about the woman of my dreams?" He said.
"When are you coming home?" She asked, low and seductive, her voice went in John's ears and directly to his groin.
"Not soon enough," he said. John and Abby sat quietly and listened to one another breathe for a few moments.
"So," Abby broke their silence. "Did you sleep with them yet?" She teased.
"No," he laughed. "I can't, not without you," he blushed.
"You're crazy, John. It's okay, really," she assured him.
"Mmm, I don't know. It hasn't come up yet and I'm not sure if it will. We'll see," he said.
"I do miss you," she said quietly.
He moaned painfully. "I wish I could feel you, Abby," he said quietly.
"John, just come back to me all better, okay? I love you." Abby sighed.
"I love you, Abby. I will, Honey, I will." He listened to her hang up the phone. He lay on the bed, just holding the receiver. Hearing her voice just made him ache with desire for her. Now that he knew how she could feel, John could not get enough of Abby Lockhart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Is that thing running?" John laughed, getting comfortable on the master bed as Brandon positioned the camera.
"Yes, it is so mind your P's and Q's, John. Abby's going to see this," Brandon joked.
"I know a video that she'd rather see," John laughed, feeling silly being video taped in the bed that had so many memories.
Brandon shot him a glance, followed by a smirk. "Well, we do have all the equipment set up." He offered, raising his eyebrows in John's direction.
John laughed, pulling the pillow over his head. "I don't think so," he mumbled from under the down.
Veronica came in, looking quite serious.
John lifted the corner of the pillow. "Uh, oh, Doc's here," he teased.
Veronica smiled. "Having fun boys?" She asked.
John put the pillow back under his head. "No, we're being completely serious." He joked. "Brandon, you sure you want to be here for this thing?" John couldn't help but feel nervous.
"I'd like to but not if you would rather I not, Baby. I can leave." Brandon offered.
John shook his head. "No, don't go," he said abruptly. "Can Brandon sit over here, next to me?" John asked.
Veronica smiled at the two of them, "I guess that would be okay."
"Did you miss me?" Brandon kissed John softly.
"Uh, huh. She's had me thinking about men all day and the only guy I haven't talked about is you." John smiled, blushing slightly. "And don't make me talk about him while he's here and I don't know what I'm saying, okay?" He asked Veronica.
"Honey, I wouldn't do that. So, is the tape running?" She asked.
"Running." Brandon stated, moving slightly away from John. John kept his hand on Brandon's knee. Veronica sat on the edge of the bed and she turned John's face towards her.
"You ready?" She asked, running her finger down his face. John always felt so comfortable around these two. He could tell that they really cared. He wasn't sure why but it was genuine, nonetheless.
"Yep," he said, closing his eyes. Veronica began running her fingers over his face.
"All right, then. John, I need you to relax for me. Just let every thought drift out of your head and concentrate on my fingers." She continued to stroke his face, watching his eyes moving behind his lids, rapidly at first but slower as he went completely under to her soothing voice and touching. "All right, John. We're going back to this morning. You were sleeping in your room peacefully when you woke and came down stairs. Do you remember why you came downstairs?" She asked after she felt that he was totally under.
"I woke up suddenly, couldn't breath, shaking," he began to breathe rapidly in short breaths.
"Did you have a nightmare?"
"I, uh, I think so. I don't know. Can't remember." He said, his whole body shaking. Veronica returned to her chair. She motioned Brandon to move away also, which he did slowly.
"You came downstairs and went into the kitchen." Veronica guided. John nodded.
"Thirsty. I was thirsty. I got a cup of coffee. I had to stay awake." He said quietly.
"Why, Honey?"
"Because they can't come if I'm awake. Have to be ready, all the time. Can't get lazy." He said, nodding his head.
"Who can't come? John, what are you afraid of?" Veronica made several noted.
"Anyone. They can't sneak up on me. He snuck up on me. I didn't know he was there. He was behind me and he stabbed me." He said, looking at his hand.
"You don't like to have people sneak up on you from behind?" Veronica asked. John immediately began shaking his head.
"No, I have to see people coming. I have to be aware. I have to stay awake all the time." He said, pausing. "She used to sneak up on me." He almost whispered.
"Who, Honey?" Veronica listened closely.
"Nicole. She used to come into my room at night. I was sleeping, didn't know she was there." He said so sadly.
"John, what did she do when she came to you at night?"
"No, I don't want to talk about it." He said adamantly. Veronica looked up at Brandon for a moment. She took a deep breath and moved back to the bed. She began stroking his face.
"John, it's Veronica. Honey, I need you to go back in time for me, Honey. I need you to go back when you were younger, when you were twelve or thirteen, Honey, back when Nicole used to come in to your room when you were sleeping, okay? Take me back to that time." Brandon glared at his wife. He'd just said he didn't want to talk about it and yet, she was taking him back to that obviously painful time in his young life.
Slowly, John curled into a fetal position, hugging tightly onto his knees, bringing them as far up to his chest as he could. He looked to be rocking and humming. Veronica and Brandon watched for several moments.
"John, how old are you?" Veronica moved back to her chair.
"Twelve. It was my birthday last week. I'm home for the summer." He said.
"Did you have a birthday party with all your friends?" Veronica smiled.
"No. My Gamma and Grandpa are in Europe, I think. Mom and Dad said I was too old to have birthday parties any more. I got a card from Gamma, though," he said with a smile.
"Is Nicole there?" She asked, thinking how sad it was that John never celebrated his birthday.
"Yes. She came to me last night while I was sleeping. She, uh, she did it again." He curled tighter.
"What did she do again, Honey?"
"She waits until I go to sleep and she comes in and, she wants me to...I have to be ready for her." He said.
"What does she do, John?" Veronica was lost.
"She touches me then. She always laughs." He whimpered. Brandon felt sick, as did Veronica. "That's why I have to be ready for her. Have to be ready." He nodded.
"John, I need you to grow up now. I need you to go back to this morning in the kitchen. You were drinking coffee, looking out the window when Gracie came in." Veronica couldn't listen to anymore about Nicole. Just the idea that an adult could do this to a child made her ill.
"She scared me. I was looking out the window and she came up behind me…I thought it was Nicole. I turned around and I saw something shiny. I froze. All I could see was Sobriki, telling me how he was all better and Lucy, oh, God, and poor Lucy. I could see her face when we slept together and here she was on the floor, dying. Why did he have to kill Lucy? Why?" He asked, crying softly.
Veronica shook her head and regained her composure. "All right, John. We're going to try and remember what we talked about yesterday. Do you remember yesterday's session? When we were at my office?
"Yes," he nodded.
"We talked about suicide. Do you remember that?" She asked.
"I remember we didn't talk about it," he clarified.
"You're right, John, we didn't. You wouldn't tell me about your serious attempt at killing yourself, the one you said Kerry Weaver knew about, where you used a knife?" She coaxed.
"I didn't use a knife," he said quietly.
"John? Can you tell me what happened?" She crossed her fingers he would tell her now.
John took a deep breath in and blew it out slowly. He furrowed his brow as if he was thinking about what he wanted to say. There was a slight hesitation in his voice at first, but then he began.
"I...uh… I went out into the garage… and I…uh…got behind the wheel of Gamma's red Jaguar convertible," he sighed. "I was just sitting there remembering the day of my grandfather's funeral and I turned on the key. I knew it wouldn't take very long before I would just pass out," he stated clearly.
"Who found you?" Veronica asked. She noticed John began to pick at his fingernails nervously. She motioned to Brandon and he nodded. John let out a sarcastic snicker.
"Algier. You know, I never knew that man liked to go on late night drives. Anyway, he found me, brought me inside, and called the hospital. Kerry was on and she came over," he said.
"John, Honey, can you tell me what happened? What got you so hurt that you felt the need to do this to yourself?
"Abby." His voice cracked as he admitted for the first time what had led him to the brink, to the point of no longer wanting to live.
Veronica resisted the urge to look at the camera.
"John, what happened between the two of you?" She asked.
John was silent for several moments before he began.
"It was killing me to be around her. Every second I was with her, I felt like my heart was being ripped out. I wanted to be with her so badly it hurt. Then I finally got up the nerve I was going to tell her, we started to talk out by the water. She was going on and on about Luka and after several minutes, I finally told her to stop it. She looked at me in surprise. I shook my head and told her not to talk to me about Luka. I said I wasn't her girlfriend and admitted that I shouldn't even be there with her."
"Why not?" Veronica asked.
"Because I was in love with her. I told her that I couldn't just sit on the sidelines waiting for them to break up." He wiped a tear that was running down his cheek. "I told her I didn't want to be her 'friend'. I said it might be convenient for her, but it's not doing much for me." He shrugged. "And I walked away. She gave me this blank stare. Abby had no idea what the hell I was talking about. She had no idea how many nights I lay awake hurting for her. We used to go to meetings and dinner, coffee, take lunches together; we were together all the time. She was my confidant. She was my friend. Abby meant everything to me."
"Did you ever talk about it?" Veronica asked.
"No, that was the beginning of when we rarely talked about anything. We began to grow away from each other because of the tension. I couldn't be around her anymore. I couldn't talk. She tried. Hell, Abby tried but I just pulled away." He stopped for a moment fighting back the tears that threatened to fall.
"A few months later, I'd been having some trouble with my back and she was playfully teasing me about being a masochist because I had tried acupunctured to relief some of the pain. We took a walk out to the same place were we always walked, the same place where I'd told her I loved her. She told me about getting asked out by a fireman earlier in the day and I told her to invite me to the nuptials. I didn't mean anything by it but that comment really got to her. She turned to me and she looked so beautiful. She said I had to help her out that she didn't know what to do. Then she said maybe she should rub my back, I almost lost it. I knew what she was doing. See, I was with Dr. Lewis earlier and Susan had been rubbing my back. Abby said that she wasn't sure what she was supposed to do. Since Susan had been back I had been spending a lot of time with her. I thought Abby still had feelings for Luka cause that's all she seemed to talk about any more. All of a sudden I'm hanging around with someone else and now she wants to tell me how she feels. I was cold and heartless to her." He shrugged.
"Then she said that she turned the guy down because she was waiting for something to happen with us." He ran his hands through his hair. "God, I was such an idiot. Basically, I laughed in her face. I challenged her, saying she'd been waiting? Fuck, I'd been waiting almost three years." He shifted nervously.
"She said I gave her an ultimatum, saying she'd broken up with Luka like I asked her to and then she said I had done nothing. Then, I stick my foot in my mouth and tell her she hadn't broken up with Luka for me and that she didn't break up with Luka. I asked her why she cared so much about what he did. She told me she dated the guy for a year and there was history." He exhaled loudly. "I told her there was too much history and she told me she had a life before me and that if I wanted someone without a history, I needed to find a virgin. I told her I'd settle for someone who isn't hung up on somebody else. I didn't mean to hurt her. I just didn't think about the words before they were out of my mouth. She looked so hurt. She told me I didn't have to settle for anything and she walked away. That night, I locked myself in the garage. I no longer cared if I lived or died. The one woman that I felt more for in my entire life had basically turned me down. I gutted myself for her and she turned me away and when she did the same, I treated her so badly. I was angry. After that I started dating Susan, trying to get over her and didn't know where the relationship with Susan was going but I knew that I had totally blown it with Abby. I treated her like dirt. I couldn't live with how I treated her. She opened herself up and I stepped all over her."
"John sounds like you did the same thing to her that she'd done to you." Veronica pointed out.
"Yeah, but that's no reason to treat her that way. I loved Abby. I never stopped loving Abby. I was so hung up on the thought that she was so concerned about this blonde 'cookie girl' that Luka had found that I became selfish and conceited. I was wrong," he stated.
"John, was Abby wrong when she did the same thing to you?" She asked.
"No, I deserved what she said. I was being selfish then, too. She was with Luka. I had always been her friend and I was wrong. She didn't know I'd been in love with her. She had no idea what I was talking about. To her, we'd just been friends. I lost my best friend that night. See, I'm so scared to lose her. I'm just going to push her away again and I can't bear to be the source of Abby's pain. I can't hurt her again and I'm terrified that I will," he explained.
John was silent for several moments, obviously deep in thought.
"They all leave me eventually," he said quietly.
"John, do you believe Abby loves you?" Veronica would not have normally taped something so personal but she would let John watch the tape and decide if Abby should see this portion.
"Yes, I know she does," he confirmed
"Do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with Abby?" Veronica questioned.
"I told you, they all leave, she probably will too," he said as a matter of fact.
Veronica got an idea. "John, what happened with Nicole? You were her lover from eleven until you were fourteen. What happened after that?"
John paused, thinking about something, shaking his head. He was sitting up back against the headboard and he softly began to bang the back of his head against it. Brandon wanted to go over and just take him in his arms and kiss away all the bad memories but he knew he couldn't. John had been so hurt by this woman and how no one noticed at the time was beyond him. Instead, he just rubbed his face and had to look away. Seeing John hurt himself was far more that he could take.
"It was my birthday." John paused as he stopped banging his head. "Gamma was having a tea and Nicole whispered for me to come into the kitchen. She had a surprise for me." He laughed a sad laugh. "Yeah, my big birthday 'surprise.' She had told me that she was getting married and would be leaving for Paris the following morning." He stopped, suddenly choked up and was holding himself.
Veronica pressed on. "How did that make you feel, John?" She asked with a strong tone. He began to curl up and rock. Veronica sat on the edge of the bed and repeated. "John, how did Nicole make you feel?"
"She laughed at me, called me a silly child. She kept laughing, mocking me, and asking if I had really believed her when she said she was in love with me? She said I was but a mere boy; a child and she had never loved me. No one would. She'd been playing with me for all those years," he said, suddenly realizing what he was saying. He caught his breath in his chest, realizing the truth for the first time. He began to hyperventilate. "Oh, God, I'm going to be sick." He lurched forward just as Brandon grabbed the waste can and placed it on the side of the bed before John began retching into it.
Veronica stroked his hair, trying to soothe this man. Once he stopped vomiting, she began to stroke his face.
"John, I need you to come back to me now, Honey, I need for you to wake up. I want you to remember what we talked about tonight, okay? It's the only way we can begin to heal, Baby. I need you to remember how Nicole made you feel, how she stole your innocence and how you were the victim. What Nicole did to you was wrong, John. You were a child. Come on, John, time to wake up for me." She ran her fingers down his face, watching his whole body begin to relax. His eyes opened slowly and he stared at the ceiling for the longest time. Finally, he looked at her, trying so hard not to allow the tears that welled up in his eyes to spill over.
"She didn't love me," he whispered, his voice shaky with emotion.
"No, Honey, I'm afraid she didn't. She took advantage of you," Veronica said. She could see that John's heart was broken, even his breathing seemed sad.
"How do I know if any of them have? How do you know when someone really does love you?" He begged with his eyes, tears now running down his cheeks.
"John, Abby loves you. She truly loves you with all her heart. Brandon and I love you, Kerry loves you and I'm sure your family loves you in their own special way. You have been loved by so many people in your life, John. Nicole did not love you. Nicole made you do things that no little boy should have been made to do. What we need to work on now is getting you to believe that," she said soothingly.
"I know. I guess I've always known but it was all I had and I needed that. I needed someone to take care of me when no one else would," he said quietly.
"I know, Honey, I know," Veronica soothed. John curled up and Brandon joined them on the bed. Almost like a leach, John instantly wrapped himself around the older man, a woman's touch not being what John needed at this moment. Veronica stood, walked to the video camera, turned it off and left the room.
To be continued………………..
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n