Veronica glanced at the video camera. She hadn't expected this. Kerry had told her how torn up John had been after the stabbing but no one had ever mentioned anything about John and Lucy having anything more that a teacher/student relationship. She readjusted in her seat, trying to figure what direction to take this.
"John, when you stated that you were in love with Lucy, what do you mean? Like the love you have with Abby?" She asked.
He shook his head. "Nothing has ever been like what I feel for Abby." He said clearly.
"Did you ever have a sexual relationship with Lucy?" She had to know.
"Once, two nights before we were stabbed. We both knew it was a mistake. That's why we were fighting. That's why I blew her off that day. That's why I left her alone," he said, almost rubbing his skin raw on his wrist.
Veronica watched him for a while. He sat quietly, just rubbing his wrist with his thumb.
"John, if Lucy hadn't died that night, do you think you two would still be together?" She asked.
"I'm not sure. Maybe after she graduated," he shrugged.
"Did Abby know Lucy?"
"Yes. Abby was a new student when Lucy died. I don't know how well they knew each other," he stated.
"You were stabbed on Valentine's Day, right?"
"So?" He questioned.
"What do you think about when you think of Valentine's Day now?" She asked.
"It's been two years. The first year was hard but it's getting easier. I'm not very fond of 'Battleflag," he chuckled remembering the loud music that was playing.
"How are you with knives? I seem to remember you not liking knives." She smiled, light-heartedly.
"I got a new switchblade," he said, slightly hesitant. Veronica looked at him strangely. After what he'd been through, John was the last person she'd expect to have a knife.
"You did, did you?" She asked.
"Yep. Some guy came into the ER and he was going to cut himself but I knocked it out of his hands," he said. "I just reacted, you know? I didn't know what he was going to do with it and I didn't want anyone to get hurt. The guy was crazy," he explained.
"So, you kept the knife?" She questioned. John nodded.
"We get a lot of knives in the ER," he answered.
"And do you keep those also?"
"Yes," he nodded, rubbing his wrist.
"What do you plan on doing with these knives, John?" She asked, not liking the look on his face.
"I never know when I'll need one," he shrugged.
Veronica felt the hair on the back of her neck stand up.
"John, what did you do when you tried to kill yourself?" She asked. "Did you use a knife?"
She watched John draw up to himself, his knees coming to his chest as his head curled down against them and his arms wrapped around him, protecting himself. He began rocking.
"Okay, John, it's okay. We don't have to talk about that. Why don't you tell me about your first love? Who was your first love, John?" She changed her tone to be happy. Slowly, he began to relax his body again.
"You already know," he smiled shyly.
"Nicole?" She questioned.
He smiled and nodded. "Yes," he said clearly.
"Your maid?" She needed to clarify.
"She wasn't my maid. She worked for my parents. She was my friend," he smiled, sounding like a child.
"John, how old are you?" Veronica thought it was a bit strange how quickly he digressed.
"Twelve," he said, sounding just like a twelve year old. Even his facial expressions changed.
"So, you and Nicole are having a sexual relationship now, aren't you?" She asked. He smiled and nodded.
"She really loves me. She tells me so every time I come home from school. She writes me almost every day, too. I can't let anyone see what she writes. They're my own private letters," he said smugly.
"Does she write about sex in these letters, John?"
"Sometimes. Mostly she writes about how much she misses me and how lonely it is in the house with my parents away all the time. She's been working over at Gamma's when they go away. Grandfather hired a new gardener and she tells me about him. She says Algier is mean to her. Tells her to stop writing me but she doesn't. He even burned a letter she wrote to me but she sent a new one. Algier doesn't understand," he explained. Just listening to John's tone made Veronica sick to her stomach.
"John, are other boys at school having sexual relations with other girls?" She asked.
He immediately shook his head. "Nope. Nicole says that's what makes me special. She says I get better each time I come home. See, I practice…" He began.
"Practice what?" She asked.
"Practice not, you know," he blushed. "At night, in my bed, I practice touching myself the way she showed me. I can last a real long time," he said proudly.
"John, do you climax when you masturbate?" Veronica asked.
He violently shook his head. "No! I'm not allowed to," he insisted.
"Not allowed! Who says?"
"Nicole. She says I have to touch myself every night and think of only her but I can't, you know, go all the way. I can only do that when she says."
"Does she let you when you two are together?"
"Sometimes, but not usually. She says it's messy. She says real men don't do that. She says real men only care about the woman's pleasure. She's teaching me to be a real man. Like older guys." His face went sad. "Sometimes she yells at me. Sometimes she spanks me when I do."
"Nicole spanks you?" Veronica exclaimed. He nodded.
"Only when I deserve it, though. She says she does it to teach me, not to hurt me. She loves me. She really does," he said. Veronica sat silently for several moments. She knew that there was much in his suppressed past but she didn't realize how deep it went. She watched his tender, boyish face and thought how could anyone treat this kind man, this compassionate, caring man so horribly. How could John Carter still be so giving and innocent when he had such a cruel past? She glanced over her pages and pages of notes. She glanced at the video camera, still running just a few feet away.
"Are you mad at me?" She heard such a sweet voice ask. She turned back to the man on her couch and cleared her throat.
"Uh, no, John. I'm not mad." She said, holding back her emotions. She was now his doctor and she needed to remember that.
"Oh, okay. You stopped asking me stuff. I like it when you ask me stuff," he said, smiling.
Veronica couldn't help but to chuckle softly. "You do? Why?" She asked, sitting on the side of the couch and touching his face.
"Because I trust you," he said innocently.
Veronica bent down and kissed his forehead. "Okay, John. I need you to wake up for me now. I do not want you to remember anything that we have spoken about today, all right? I want you to wake up, feeling like you've just had a short nap. I need you to come back to me now, John. You are a thirty one year old doctor from Chicago and I'm your friend. Wake up, John." She stroked his face gently. His facial muscles began to twitch, his face returning to that of a very tired man who worked too hard and cared too much. He finally opened his eyes.
"Oh, man," he moaned, smiling sheepishly. "I guess I fell asleep. I'm sorry, Veronica. I guess I'm still tired from that long shift. This couch is pretty comfortable," he said, stretching. Veronica returned to her desk, placing her notepad face down.
"Why don't we call Brandon, hum?" She put on her best everything's okay voice and smiled. She couldn't send this tape home for Abby, at least not until she had a chance to look over it again herself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Dinner was great, guys. Thank you," John followed Veronica and Brandon into the kitchen.
"I wasn't sure you'd be able to stay awake through the main course, Dr. Carter. I saw you yawning," Brandon teased, setting a pot of water on the stove to boil.
John sat next to Veronica at the breakfast bar. "Sorry about that," he blushed. "I guess I fell asleep on your lovely wife here earlier, also. It's been a while since I had to do such a long shift," he explained. Brandon looked at Veronica and she shook her head, telling him that John didn't remember the session they'd had. Veronica had mentioned to Brandon that it was the most intense one yet but obviously, her power of suggestion to forget was still working.
"Well, we didn't take offense, my dear. The waiter, that's another story." Veronica kidded, keeping the mood light. "Maybe you should skip the coffee and head up to bed. We have lots of time to catch up," she suggested.
"That idea doesn't sound that bad," he admitted.
"Well, you have your choice, John. You can take the guest room across the hall from our room or you're more than welcome in our bed while you're here," he offered, making John blush.
"Nothing personal, but I think I'm going to take the guest room." he said, almost embarrassed.
Brandon walked up to him and pulled John into a warm embrace. "John, it's okay. I'm happy to just have your company, all right? I missed you." He gently kissed John on the lips.
John felt himself stir. "Sleep," John moaned, pulling himself away from Brandon. What was it about Brandon that seduced him so easily?
Veronica looked on, smiling. "Good night, John," she said softly as he kissed her gently.
"Good night, Veronica," he smiled and turned to Brandon.
"Sweet dreams," Brandon smiled, kissing John again. This time, John let his mouth do what it so desperately wanted to do to this man and it opened, deepening the kiss. Brandon moaned and pulled John's body against his, both feeling themselves responding.
John wrapped his hands around Brandon's head, holding him as their mouths reintroduced themselves. Finally, Brandon pulled away, making John whimper.
"Go to sleep before I spread you out on this counter and take you right here," Brandon joked.
"Mmm... what a midnight snack." Veronica purred, making John blush even more.
"You two are a bad influence on me," he said, walking slowly to the door.
"If you weren't so irresistible..." Brandon called as John walked to the staircase. He held up a hand, waving good night before ascending the stairs.
Veronica waited until John was clearly out of earshot before she spoke.
"Brandon, I'm really worried about him," she stated.
Brandon waited until he heard the bedroom door close. "Okay, show me the tape."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John lay on the bed, relaxing in this house, with his friends. He listened to the fourth ring.
"County ER?" a woman answered.
"Hey, Randi, it's John. Is Abby there?" He asked, hearing noise in the background.
"Yeah, hang on a minute, Dr. C., Abby!" She yelled loud enough to make John pull the phone away abruptly.
"Jesus, Randi. Ever hear of a hold button?" He asked.
"Oops. Sorry about that. Here she is. No phone sex, ya here? This is a business line," she teased, handing the phone to Abby. "It's your man."
"John?" Abby asked, laughing at Randi.
"I'm thinking about you," he said quietly.
"If that's all you're going to do on this trip, you could have stayed home for that," she laughed. "I miss you."
"Me, too," he smiled, stretching on the bed.
"Did you get a session in today?" She asked, watching Luka roll a man on a gurney by.
"No. I fell asleep. Veronica didn't seem to be too upset. What's this about videotaping me?" He teased.
"Did you agree to it?" She asked, unsure how he'd react.
"Yes, I did but it's going to be boring. All I do is lie there," he said, fluffing up the pillow.
"Hmm. All the more to watch when you're at work," she smiled.
"Is it busy?" He could hear the commotion in the background. Abby sounded a bit distracted.
"Uh, yeah, we've got a multi unit trauma coming in." She said, watching the bay closely.
"I'll let you go, then. I just wanted to let you know I love you," he said. Abby smiled widely, despite the scene unfolding in front of her eyes.
"I love you too, John. Look, I gotta go," she said. "Call me in the morning." She kissed into the receiver before hanging up. John slowly pushed 'end' on his mobile phone. He couldn't believe it but he missed her already.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
"He still hasn't admitted she did anything wrong, has he?" Brandon asked, still staring at the blank television screen. Veronica was pacing behind him.
"That's just it. He refuses to talk about it or about how serious of an attempt he made to kill himself, Brandon. I need to know if he's still suicidal." She thought out loud.
"He may not be at the moment but you'd better hope Abby is as serious as he is in this whole relationship deal," he said.
"Oh, I know. I've got to figure out a way to make him realize that what Nicole did to him was wrong. He's got to realize he was abused before I can help him heal," she said, looking over her notes.
"What about having him watch the tape?" Brandon suggested.
Veronica stopped pacing and looked at the dark screen. "I don't know if he could handle seeing himself like that. I mean, look at all his nervous habits. I thought he'd rub his skin off of his wrist." She explained.
"Honey, you know he's got to bottom out before he can begin to climb back up." Brandon reminded.
"I know, but think about it, Baby. He's bottomed out with the drugs, bottomed even lower with the suicide attempt. I don't know if I can be the one to lead him as far down as he needs to go to begin the healing process and I don't know if he is strong enough to get out from under this. I just don't know how much more John Carter can take before he cracks," she said, fidgeting with her pencil.
"Ronnie, you need to stay his doctor on this thing. He's still obviously suffering from PTSD. He can't go forward until he realizes what the problem is and he's going to either push Abby away or bring her down with him and I know neither one of us wants to see that happen. It's time for John to heal." He stood and took Veronica into his arms. They both knew what they were going to have to do and it hurt both of them already.
To be continued………….
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n