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John tossed and turned violently, moaning in his sleep. Abby had finally given up trying because as soon as he came out of one, he'd fall back into yet another nightmare, his brain working on overload. Every once in a while, he'd cry out when a particular movement hurt his ribs but for the most part, John was trapped in his own living hell inside his head.



Abby watched the glowing embers of her cigarette in the dark. She took a long drag, slowly blowing smoke into the cool night air. After all the chaos had quieted at the hospital, Dr. Weaver had agreed with Luka to send Abby home to care for John, but for Abby, the nights were worst. Her body was growing accustomed to the night schedule and with her working graveyard shift and John working days, she'd managed to stay separated from his dreamless nights, where his mind wreaked havoc on his senses and where he could not escape the torture.



Since John had started his therapy with Veronica, his nightmares had increased both in frequency and in severity. While he rarely remembered them when he woke, Abby remembered every second. Abby remembered every second of his therapy sessions also and they played in her own mind repeatedly, every time she spoke to him, every time she looked at John. She could not file them away in memory as John had come so accustomed to over the years. John had discovered how to protect himself but Abby had been unable when it came to John.



Abby chuckled sarcastically at herself. She was pitiful. She was lonely when they were apart yet so completely torn with emotions when they were together. John Carter was not an easy person to love, yet Abby couldn't explain any other reason for her pain. He was just so intense, such a time bomb of emotions and passion that Abby felt vulnerable for the first time in many years and she did not like feeling this way.



Flicking her cigarette butt off into the darkness, she followed its decent from the balcony with her eyes. She knew John loved her but was her love for him strong enough? Could she see John through his self-discovery of all the horrible things that had happened in his life? Could she be the support he needed?



Abby slid to the floor of the balcony. She felt tired, very tired and weak. She'd managed to stay so strong for John during the past few weeks but that was just it – it was an act. The more in love she fell, the weaker she became. It hurt her to see John reliving all the pain. It tore her from the inside to hear his nightmares. Abby missed her friend.



"Hey," John stood at the balcony entrance wearing just his flannel pajama bottoms.



Abby looked up at him and smiled. "Hey." She said, sounding tired. John sat next to her on the ground, placing his arm around her shoulders. Abby leaned into him as he placed gentle kisses on the top of her head.



"You okay?" He asked softly.



Abby couldn't hold the tears back as they began to roll slowly down her face.

"No." She whispered, crying into his shoulder.



John held her for several minutes. He knew Abby well enough to understand exactly why she was crying. He knew he was the reason. "Don't give up on me yet, Abby. Please, don't give up on me," he begged, his arm pulling her closer.



"John, I can't do this. I'm not strong enough for this," she cried.



John looked up in the star filled sky and he prayed. Over the years, his faith had been tested repeatedly but at this moment, he begged for assistance. If there was a God, John begged, He would look down on the couple and give them the strength they needed for each other.



"Abby, you need me. You've hidden your emotions for so long and I make you feel," John began, still holding her tightly.



"You make me hurt, John," she admitted.



"I'm sorry but I also know how to make you laugh," he said. He lifted her head and looked into her eyes, his own face streaked with tears. "Don't I make you happy, too?" He asked, stroking her wet cheek.



Abby couldn't help but to smile. She let out a laugh. "Yes, John. You make me happy," she smiled, making him smile as well.



"Abby, I promise we're worth it. I have never felt this in love with anyone in my life. Don't stay with me out of guilt. Stay with me because I worship you. Stay with me because you love me," he said, looking deeply into her eyes.



"I do. I do love you, John," she smiled, feeling it, not just saying it. John pulled her tight, kissing her forehead.



"No one said it would be easy," he mumbled in her hair.



"No one said it would be so hard," she laughed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~



The ride to the airport was silent, as was their morning. After their talk on the balcony, they'd gone back to bed and made the tenderest love since they'd admitted their feelings for one another. It had been slow and long lasting, both collapsing into one another, exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. They had said very little to each other, sometimes words were not necessary.



John carried an overnight bag on one shoulder and his arm was draped over Abby's shoulder on the other side. Standing at the boarding gate, they silently stood touching and occasionally looking at each other. Finally, his flight was called.



"Flight 6892, departing from Chicago to Albany, New York now boarding."



"That's you," Abby said, lost in John's eyes.



"I don't have to go." He said, holding her hands to his chest.



"Yes, you do," Abby smiled, feeling his heart beating quickly. He leaned in and began kissing her. While he intended it to just be gentle, it quickly turned deep and passionate. Neither noticed how many people were watching them, their love obvious. John had tears in his eyes as he pulled himself away.



"I love you," he whispered, kissing her forehead.



"Don't do anything heroic on the plane, okay? Just come back to me safely." She joked.



"I'll call you every day," he said as he began stepping away.



"You'd better," Abby said, her voice choked with emotion.



John handed his ticket to the agent. "You're all set, Sir." She said. John was still staring at Abby; he blew her a kiss and turned around.



"I love you, John Carter," Abby called.



John smiled to himself as he entered the boarding walkway. Abby Lockhart loved him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Excuse me. I have an appointment to see Dr. Montgomery." John stated as he approached the front desk.



A young woman smiled, "And your name?" She asked.



"Dr. Carter." He flashed her his prize-winning smile.



"Why don't you have a seat, Dr. Carter and I'll let Dr. Montgomery know you're here."



John looked around the waiting room, thankful to be the only one there. The room was decorated with rich wood tones and calming blues and mauves. All along one side of the wall was an expansive, built-in salt-water fish tank, filled with various plants and the most colorful fish. John soon became entranced by all the vibrant, neon colors.



"Well, hello handsome," Veronica came out into the waiting room, instantly pulling John into a friendly, full body hug. She noticed him wince as soon as she touched his ribs and pulled away. "What's wrong, Honey? Oh, my," She noticed the white bandage trying to hide under his brown locks. "So, who did you try to save this time?" She questioned, leading John back to her office.



"Long story, Veronica. You look great, by the way," he complimented.



"I cannot tell you how happy both Brandon and I are that you came. I'm only sorry that Abby couldn't come with you. Things are still going well, aren't they?" She asked, closing her door once they were inside.



John nodded, smiling. "Things are definitely happening in that area. We're both a mess emotionally but we're working on it. Everyone seems to be supportive so far so I guess that's good." He explained as he sat down.



"Wow! I'm surprised you let other people know so early. You two must be sure this is the real thing. Huh?" She teased, watching John blush.



"I don't think either one of us has ever experienced a relationship at this level, Veronica. You should have seen how crazy she got when I returned from the fire," he was quickly interrupted.



"Fire?" Veronica exclaimed.



"Okay, so I guess she had reason to be concerned. Saturday night, Deb and I were sent by chopper to an explosion that was in a nightclub. Docs were being flown in from all over the city and our chopper had a few problems. As we tried to land on the roof, another explosion hit and we had a very quick, very upside down, and very different sort of landing. Everyone on the chopper made it. Deb broke her arm and the pilots' both received second-degree burns. I made sure everyone was all right and then I spent the next few hours doing what I'd been sent there to do," he shrugged.



"Were you hurt?" Veronica asked.



"I did my job, Veronica. I was sent to help with the triage and I did," he stated.



"John, were you hurt?" She repeated.



"I broke three ribs, got a few stitches in my head, bruised up my lumbar region, my neck is a bit sore and first degree burns on my neck, back, and thighs." He admitted almost shamefully.



"You said your friend Deb broke her arm, right?" Veronica asked. John nodded.



"When we were going down, I did my best to hang on to her but I lost my grip and she fell on it. Both of our seatbelts snapped as we landed."



"When did she return to the hospital?" She asked.



"She was in one of the first rigs to go to County. It was all pretty chaotic when we finally climbed out of the chopper." He smiled, realizing why he thought she was asking the questions she was asking. "Veronica, I do not have this deep rooted need to be a hero," he stated, making Veronica laugh.



"I never thought you did, Honey. Well, it sure sounds like you've had a rough weekend. Tell me," She got up and moved to another chair where they wouldn't have the desk between them. "Did you rent a car or take a taxi?"



"Taxi, I didn't want to get lost coming here," John smiled.



"Good. Why don't we have our little session and then when we're done, we'll call my husband and find out where he's at. Maybe we can meet up for a late lunch or depending on how you're feeling, maybe we'll just head back to the house," she suggested.



"How many patients do you still have today?" he asked.



"You're it. Now, what kind of hostess would I be if I had to work late on your first night in town?" She smiled. "Why don't you lay on the couch?" She motioned to the couch next to her chair.



"So, you guys really do use couches," John chuckled, moving to where she directed him.



"Well, you do have a habit of moving around when you're under," Veronica smiled. "Is it going to be uncomfortable lying on you back?"



"I'm fine." John found a comfortable position and relaxed his body. He had very little pain from his burns and they were all minor. His ribs and neck still hurt, as did his chest if he coughed but other than that, his body was okay. "This feels strange not being at home," he commented.



"John, Abby called me yesterday," Veronica informed.



He looked at her mildly surprised, "What about?"



"She wanted me to know you were coming. Didn't you tell her you called me?" She asked, curious.



He shook his head. "No, I just told her I was coming. What did she talk about?" He asked.



"She doesn't want to miss these sessions. I offered to tape them for her but only with your permission," she said.



He thought for a few minutes. Finally, he shrugged. "I guess. I don't have anything to hide that I know of," he said.



"Okay then," she turned on a video recorder. "So, close your eyes and imagine being home." Veronica pulled her chair up to the side of the couch and she began to stroke John's face. He couldn't help but to kiss her wrist and she smiled. "Pay attention, doctor," She reprimanded.



"Yes, ma'am," He snickered. Veronica sat for several minutes, just stroking his face.



"Okay, John. Do you remember the last session we had? We spoke about suicide. Do you remember?" She asked softly.



"Yes," he nodded.



"How many serious attempts have you made to end your life, John?" She asked.



"Serious attempts, only one," he said, thinking, "thought about it before but just one. Kerry knows."



"Kerry Weaver?" Veronica asked, surprised.



"Yes," he said.



"Can you remember what brought you to that point? After all the things you've been through in your life, what could have possibly been so horrible to bring you to try and kill yourself?" She asked. John was silent, his face solemn. He scrunched up his face, obviously remembering the emotional pain he was in.



"I don't want to talk about it," he mumbled, coiling into himself.



"Can you at least tell me why? What brought you to the point that you no longer wanted to live?" Veronica tried.



John shook his head. "I'm not going to talk about it." He clasped his hands over his ears.



Veronica found this obviously child-like reaction interesting. She made several notes while John rocked himself.



"What do you want to talk about, John?" Veronica asked, smiling.



"Happy thoughts," he smiled.



"Like Peter Pan?" She giggled watching him smile.



"Yeah, like Peter Pan," he smiled to himself.



"What about Abby? Does she make you happy?" Veronica asked. John smiled.



"Yes, she does," he said quietly. "I can make her happy. I can treat her right. I can support her," he said, nodding his head.



"What can she do for you?" Veronica asked.



John thought about it. "She makes me complete," he said softly, his voice at peace.



Veronica thought for a moment. "She's an alcoholic, right?" She asked.



He nodded hesitantly. "Yes."



"She had a relapse a few months ago?" Veronica asked.



"Yes."



"You're an addict, right?"



"Yes." He said hesitantly.



"John, wasn't Abby your sponsor?" She questioned.



"She is my sponsor," he corrected. "The only one I've ever wanted."



"Hm. John, have you ever had a sexual relationship with a woman who wasn't your mentor?" She asked.



"Harper wasn't," he assured her.



"No, but wasn't she a competitor? A fellow student? Kerry told me you two used to battle all the time," she said.



"Rena wasn't," he defended.



"Rena?"



"Yeah, I was dating her when Abby and I went to Oklahoma to get her Mom," he explained.



Veronica made a few notes. "What happened with her?" Veronica asked.



"We broke up because she thought I had a crush on Abby," he said, smirking.



"Did you?"



"Yes," he said, almost embarrassed. "Neither was Liz," he added.



"Who was Liz?" She asked. John smiled.



"She was cute. Back when I started at County, she, was, well, lets say I found out she'd made her rounds with the hospital," he smiled. "Felt pretty good at the time, though," he snickered.



"So, the women you're attracted to are usually older or in authority with you?" She asked.



"Lucy wasn't," he said sadly.



Veronica looked at him strangely. "Wasn't she the one who was stabbed with you? John, did you have a relationship with Lucy?" She asked, watching closely.



He ran his hand through his hair, "Lucy and I always had this tension, you know?" He said.



"Sexual tension?" She asked, watching his nervous body movements. He was again subconsciously rubbing his wrist. "John, were you in love with Lucy?" Veronica came right out and asked. He fidgeted nervously. "John? Were you in love with Lucy?"



"Yes."



To be continued……………
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