"All right, John." Veronica stroked his face gently. "That's it. Just relax and listen to my voice, Abby's right here with us." Veronica motioned for Abby to step out of the room with her.
"What's wrong?" Abby asked, shutting the door behind her.
"How was the shift?" Veronica had talked to John a bit when he'd first come home but he seemed to be standoffish, like he was holding back.
"Well, he was okay, I guess. We had lunch together down in the basement where we, um, well, you know," she blushed.
"Made love?" Veronica thought it was cute that Abby was embarrassed but Veronica had a gut feeling that there was something else going on in John's head.
"Yeah, after that, he had a few traumas but he seemed okay," Abby said, nothing really standing out in her mind. They'd gotten busy as the day started but nothing major.
"Did he lose anyone?" Veronica still had a gut feeling that John was beating himself up about something.
Abby though for a few seconds, then she began nodding.
"He did. There was this MVA and John worked on the guy for a really long time. The guy was in really bad shape and he probably feels bad for having to crack the guy open." Abby recalled.
"That's why he's in scrubs." Veronica thought out loud.
"You know, now that you mention it, he did seem quieter after that. The guy came in right after we, um, after our lunch break. I found him standing outside and he had that look in his eyes, the one that he gets when he just wants the pain to go away," she explained.
"His body wants the drugs right now. Last night was his first night without them and he's probably going through a little withdrawal. Even after just two doses, the old sensations returned and I figured he might have problems. God, how could Kerry and I have done that to him." Veronica chastised herself for giving him the Ativan in the first place.
"It's okay, Veronica. He seemed fine. I don't think that's it," Abby reassured, seeing that Veronica, also had a weaker side to her.
Veronica pulled herself together and they returned to John's side.
"How do you know he's not asleep?" Abby whispered, walking around the end of the bed. Veronica took her place next to John, holding his hand.
"John, can you hear me?" She asked, softly. He nodded slowly. "Who am I, John?"
"Veronica," he said.
"All right. Now, we're going to go back to your shift at the hospital. Can you remember your shift?" She coaxed.
"Yes."
"Do you remember the MVA that came in? The one where you had to crack open his chest?" She asked. He sucked in a breath and tensed his body. "What's wrong, John?" He was sitting up and moving his hands in front of him like he was working on a patient.
"I can't find it," he shook his head. "I can't see. There's too much blood. I can't stop it." He was becoming more agitated. "I can feel his heart beating against my hand, Oh, God, he's bleeding too fast. Will someone hang another pint? There's another bleeder. Oh, the smell. I need help in here. Will someone please get a surgeon? I can't do this by myself! Oh, God, his heart just stopped. I can't do this! I'm not good enough! I need help!" He cried. His voice seemed so panicked, so insecure but Abby had watched him during the whole procedure and John never once let on that he was in trouble.
"John, he died because his injuries were too severe, Honey. It wasn't your fault." Veronica reassured. He violently shook his head.
"No, no, it is my fault. I'm the one who makes it all better. All the doctors said that. They told me they'd make him better. That's what they do. I'm not good enough. I missed something. I could have done something else to help him. If I'd have stayed in surgery, I would have known what to do." He said adamantly.
Veronica looked at him puzzled. "John, who told you? Who did they say they'd make better?" She questioned.
He continued to shake his head. "Bobby. They promised me. They said that's what doctor's do."
"John, doctors are just people. They don't always have the answers. Doctor's aren't perfect so why do 'you' always have to be perfect?" She asked.
"But I'm not. I'm always a disappointment. I fail all the time. I didn't match for Bobby. They said they'd use my blood, my bone marrow, but I didn't match. Oh, God, it hurt so bad, but Bobby told me not to be sad. I was supposed to make it better. I hurt people or I fail. I try, I really do but I always end up hurting them." He said. It was clear he was speaking from his heart.
Abby's chest ached hearing his sadness.
"Who have you failed, John? Who has been disappointed in you, Honey?" Veronica asked. John seemed to withdraw into himself a bit, slouching and holding a pillow tightly in his lap, pulling his legs up against it.
"Everyone," he mumbled.
"Well, that's a pretty large group of people." Veronica stated, sitting back. "You haven't disappointed me." She said. He shook his head.
"Yes, I have," he said sadly.
This hurt Veronica. "How have you disappointed me, Baby?" Her voice cracked.
"We met because I was in rehab." He laughed silently. He did have a point. "We were having fun and you found out I was messed up. You feel like you need to help me. I can't just be your friend," he said.
Abby looked out the window, vowing not to cry. He sounded so tired.
"John, you haven't disappointed me. I'm helping you because I 'am' your friend." Veronica said, fighting with all her will power to not break down and cry. She had to remain strong for John.
"But I can't 'just' be your friend." He stated. Veronica paused, thinking this statement over. Maybe she was wrong in trying to help him. Maybe she was too close.
"You haven't disappointed Abby," Veronica said softly.
"She already knows I'm messed up." He smiled crookedly. "I will, though. I've pushed everyone I've cared about away." He said.
Veronica shook her head. She needed to stay unattached for John's sake.
"John, we're going to go back in time, all right?" She suggested. He nodded.
Abby's mind was thinking in a million different directions. She thought about all the times that John showed a look of disappointment on his face. So many times he'd seemed so dejected at work, trying so hard to impress. Weaver, Romano, Benton, Greene, he wanted to impress them all. He wanted to think of himself as so perfect, which occasionally made him seem conceited, yet inside, in his head, he thought so little of himself.
How could a guy, who was physically attractive, intelligent, wealthy, and should have always had the best of everything have such a gloomy outlook on his contributions to the world? Had no one told him he was good soon enough before he'd already convinced himself he was so bad? Even though her own upbringing had been so unorthodox, Abby could remember countless times where she was told repeatedly how pretty she was or how in control she was or how smart. Did John just never receive these types of confirmations when growing up, so much that he simply refused to believe them now?
"John, how would you classify your childhood? Would you say you were happy?" Veronica asked.
"Before Bobby got sick. Yeah, I was happy. I loved my brother," he said.
"Were you close to your sister?" She asked. He nodded.
"We all were. She used to make me be the baby when she played house and Bobby used to beat me up," he paused. "But he wouldn't hurt me. He was just angry. I couldn't tell anyone. He used to hit me all the time as he got sick. We used to tell each other secrets. Bobby could keep secrets." He nodded.
"What kind of secrets?" She asked. He smiled.
"Now, if I told you, they wouldn't be secrets." He chuckled. Both Veronica and Abby did also.
"Can you tell me just one?" Veronica suggested. "I promise not to tell anyone."
"Bobby knew he was going to die." John hesitated, "He made me promise to make mom proud and to forget about him. She kept telling him he'd get better but he knew. It was my job to fix the family," he said very poignantly.
"And did you?" She asked, already knowing the answer.
John sat silent for several moments.
"John? Are you okay?" Veronica asked. He'd never been this quiet.
"I don't think I want to talk anymore," he said solemnly. Veronica smiled. He could be stubborn when he wanted to be.
"John, we're going to come back to the present, okay. She waited a moment and then asked, Can I ask you about your parents?" Veronica tried to continue. He shrugged. "Are you close to your parents?" She asked.
"No," he finally said.
"How about your grandmother? Are you close to her?" She asked.
"Yes." He nodded.
"Are they proud of you?"
"They love me," he said.
Veronica made a note.
"I didn't ask if they loved you. I asked if they were proud of you." Veronica repeated.
"I don't know. They never told me," he shrugged.
Veronica thought for a few moments. "John, have you ever tried to commit suicide?" Veronica asked. Abby looked at her, quite shocked.
"Like Dennis?" He said quietly.
"Who's Dennis?" Veronica asked, noting the name.
"He was a student in surgery with me. We were both under Dr. Benton. We were roommates. He killed himself. Stepped in front of the El. Everyone said it was an accident but I know it wasn't. Things, everything just got to be too much, you know? I wasn't there for him. He wanted to talk but I didn't want to listen. He couldn't take Dr. Benton. I did. I wouldn't listen and survived." He said carefully.
"John, I asked you if you had ever tried to commit suicide?" Veronica repeated her question.
"I treated Lucy the same way Dr. Benton treated me and see what happened to her? I killed Gant and I killed Lucy. Everyone around me dies or just goes away." He hugged the pillow and slowly rolled onto his side. "I'm tired. I don't want to talk any more, please?" He begged.
"Okay, Baby." Veronica sat on the edge of the bed and began to stroke his face. "We're all done for today, John. You need to sleep. I need you to come back to me now. You are a thirty one year old man, a doctor. You are in your own home and you are safe here, with people who love and care about you, and who aren't going away. Wake up for me, John," she said. Slowly, he began to stretch out and release the pillow. His eyelids fluttered and he found himself staring at the ceiling. Trying to focus, first he saw Abby, sitting next to him, holding his hand.
"I love you," she said quietly. This brought a smile to his face.
"What's that for?" He asked, slowly sitting up. Abby helped hang his legs over the edge of the bed.
"Just because," she said.
John cocked his head and looked at Veronica.
"You're not having me forget what we talk about, are you?" He questioned, aware of bits and pieces of the conversation he'd just had.
"The only way you're going to go forward is if you begin to deal with your past, Honey. You never answered me." She said.
"What?" He asked, standing with Abby's help.
"Have you, John Carter, ever made a serious attempt to commit suicide?" She straight up asked. He looked into her eyes. He was subconsciously rubbing his wrist.
"Don't ask me that." He said, looking down.
"Why not?" Veronica asked.
John looked up at her again. "Some people consider taking drugs suicide." He said, trying to evade the question.
"But that's not why 'you' took them. Have you ever tried to commit suicide?" She continued.
John began to walk away but Veronica followed. They all knew what the answer was.
"John?" Abby questioned. He held up his hand.
"Don't." He requested, still keeping his back to them. He went to the kitchen and pulled out the water bottle.
"John, have you?" Abby asked again, her voice sounding worried.
"Did you try to commit suicide when you were a child?" Veronica asked.
"No."
"Since you've been a doctor?"
John turned around and locked eyes with Veronica. "Yes," he whispered. Abby felt the goose bumps run up her arms.
"After your stabbing?" Veronica pressed. John blinked a few times.
"Yes." He repeated. Veronica glanced at Abby.
"Since you've been back from Atlanta?" Veronica asked. Her own voice was beginning to falter. His eyes never broke from hers.
John nodded.
"Within the last year?" She continued. He hesitated, and finally nodded.
"Yes."
"What stopped you?" Abby asked, holding onto his arm.
He ran his hands through his hair. "I'm tired, Abby. Can we go to sleep?" He began to walk away.
Abby started to say something but Veronica put her hand on her arm.
"SShhh. Just be there for him, Abby. He should remember everything we talked about today and he's going to feel depressed. Just be there for him." Veronica suggested.
Abby watched him take a long drink and returned to his bedroom.
"I'll leave you two to get some sleep. How about we all go out to dinner tonight?" She suggested. Veronica walked out to the living room so that John and Abby could get some sleep. They both looked very tired. "Oh, just so you know, my flight leaves at 11 pm." She said. John had been heading towards the bed but both he and Abby stopped cold.
"What?" Abby asked, coming back out of the bedroom.
"My flight leaves at 11 pm. I have patients that I have to get back to." She smiled, acting so casually about everything.
John looked terrified. "How can you do that?" He asked. "How can you have me go through all these painful memories, make sure I remember them and then abandoned me by asking if I've tried to commit suicide in the last year? What the hell am I supposed to do now?" He yelled, more scared than angry.
Veronica looked so calm. "That's totally up to the two of you." She smiled and she disappeared into the guest room.
"What?" John asked after her, staring at the hall where Veronica had disappeared.
"It's okay, John." Abby tried to sound strong for John's sake, yet inside she was missing Veronica already.
"No, it's not, Abby! I've been remembering things the past few days that I've managed to forget about for years and I can't deal with it, okay? I feel like I'm losing my mind and I can't do it alone!" He was nearly panicked.
Abby stared at him for a few minutes as he paced.
"You aren't doing this alone, you know." She said calmly.
He stopped pacing and turned to her. "Abby, I didn't mean that. I'm just feeling a bit unstable right now and it's not fair to put all that onto you. I want you to be happy, you know? You looked really happy last night at work and I like you looking that way."
Abby stepped directly before him. "John, stop." She insisted. "When I said I was in this for the long run did not mean just the good times." She gently caressed his face.
"I don't want to be your source of pain." He begged.
"John Carter, you are the most intense man I have ever met. You make me so angry at times and happier than I have ever been. You make my stomach do flips and you make me sad. I have been running for years, running from my marriage, running from my mother, running from you, letting people use me for their needs, not my own. You force me to look at myself because I see me in your eyes. Honey, I can't live without you and I need to be your strength the way you have been there for me for years. Please, let me. Please don't rely on Veronica and not me. I will be the one with you through your life and you need to rely on me. Please let me in." She implored.
John had tears running down his face as Abby professed her love for him. Never had anyone been so emotional or so demanding of him. He'd always been the one who was emotional. He'd surrounded himself with strong women, hard-shelled women who knew where they stood and he simply followed.
With Abby, they were equal. Equally messed up, equally ruled by their hearts, equally in love with each other.
John leaned in and began desperately kissing this woman. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close, pulling her into his own body where she fit like they were made for each other. Abby's hands wrapped around him, holding his head, running her fingers through his hair as they melted into one.
Veronica stood in the hall, tears running down her face, but she was smiling.
To be continued…………
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