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A persistent whimpering slipped into Luka's consciousness. As
he slowly awakened, he became aware of John's body next to his:
warm and naked. He smiled as he remembered their lovemaking,
but his smile quickly faded as he heard John cry out in his
sleep. Luka opened his eyes as he pulled John closer.

"John? Wake up. It's just a bad dream." Luka gently shook
John's shoulders, trying to wake him up as carefully as possible.

John's eyes flew open, and he gazed at Luka with horror and
confusion in his eyes; the same look that had been in them when
he awoke in the trauma room. It was obvious that he was still
in the throes of his nightmare, and Luka began to speak softly
to him, knowing that it didn't matter what he said, as long as
he kept his voice soft and gentle. "It's okay, John. I'm here
and you're safe. You're safe now. It's all right."

John slowly blinked, then recognition returned to his eyes.
"Luka?" he shakily asked.

"I'm here. You're safe now, John. You were having a bad dream,
but it's over."

John shook his head, then grimaced. "My back is killing me."

"You should take something for it. Wait here and I'll get your
medicine." Luka got out of bed and went to the kitchen for a
glass of water and a pain tablet for John.

When he returned, John once again shook his head. "I don't
want to take anything."

"John, if you're in this much pain, then you should take
something."

"No."

"Okay," Luka said, although he wasn't really giving in.
Millicent's advice on how to handle John had included letting
John think he was getting his way when he was being obstinate,
then slowly manipulating him to do what you really wanted him
to do. "I won't make you take anything. But, I can't help
but feel guilty for hurting you this way."

"You didn't hurt me," John said, a look of confusion on his
face. Why was Luka backing down about the pill? He never
did that.

"But, I did. When you returned from your doctor appointment,
you weren't hurting. Now you are. I have no choice except to
think that our having sex is what put you in pain. Obviously,
your green light was given too early."

"No," John quickly replied. "It wasn't. My back was hurting a
little earlier, I just didn't want to say anything about it. I
was afraid that you'd decide we couldn't have sex if my back
was hurting."

"I might have. But, I might have just suggested that you take
something for the pain and then had my way with you," Luka said
with a suggestive grin. "I have two hours and thirty minutes
before I have to be at work. If you weren't in any pain, then
we might find a very satisfying way to spend that time. But,
since you are in pain and refuse to take anything to stop it..."
Luka let his voice trail off, his eyes on John's face. John
was clearly thinking about what Luka had said and what he had
implied. Not that Luka had any intention of repeating what
they had done earlier. Not with John's back acting up. But,
he could think of some other things they could do, things that
wouldn't bother John's back at all.

Just thinking about what they could do was making Luka hard,
and it didn't take long for John to notice that. His eyes were
on Luka's erection as he nodded. "Okay. You're right. I'll
take the pill."

Luka handed the pill and glass to John, smiling as John swallowed
the medicine and drank all the water, then gave the glass back
to him. Luka put the glass on the nightstand, then crawled back
into bed, pressing his body against John's. His hands roved
over John's body, caressing his erection briefly, then moving
to other areas. "I'm not going to get quite as physical as I
was earlier, but I do intend to make love to you, John," he
whispered into John's ear shortly before he began to slowly
suck John's ear lobe.

"JA ljubav te." Luka kissed his way down John's neck.

"JA potreba te." Luka's tongue lightly ran the length of John's
collarbone before heading down the middle of his chest.

"Ti si zrak JA disati." Luka kissed John's hip, then planted
kisses across his belly until he reached the other hip, lightly
nipping it with his teeth.

"Ti si moj srcem i dušom." Luka placed his lips on the shaft
of John's penis, sucking gently.

"JA volja ljubav te zauvijek." Luka drew John into his mouth,
tickling his member with his tongue as his hands traced circles
on the softness of John's inner thighs.

John whimpered, but there was no pain behind the sound this time.
No fear. No confusion. Just an aching need that only Luka
could fill. He struggled to remember the words Luka had taught
him earlier. The only ones he could remember were the ones
that meant "I love you", and John knew they were woefully
inadequate for how he felt about Luka. Yes, he loved him. He
needed him. He lived for Luka's touch. Yearned for his smile.
John only felt complete when they were one and he wanted,
needed, for that to happen again.

"JA ljubav te."

Luka smiled around John's erection as he heard him say those
words with such passion in his voice. Selfishly, he changed
his plans, knowing that he had to be in John one more time or
he would die. He knew that to be a fact. Ever so gently, he
pursued his goal of pleasing John, then they joined together,
moving in a dance nearly as old as time itself. By the time
Luka left for work, he was already late. But, he didn't care.
Not today. Not when he could go to work with the memory of
John's kisses on his skin.


Luka's elation was short lived. Once at work, he found himself
working non-stop, mostly beside Dave Malucci and Cleo Finch,
both of whom were giving him the cold shoulder. Malucci's
attitude was expected, but Luka wasn't sure why Cleo was cold
toward him. She had not been there when Malucci told people
about him and John being a couple, so Luka had no idea how she
felt about that. Since Benton was a friend and mentor to John,
Luka had figured that Cleo would be non-committal about it at
the least. He certainly had not expected her to behave like this.

Around midnight, there was a lull and Luka sought out Cleo,
wanting to know if he had done something to offend her. He
still wasn't quite used to the nuances of race relations in
the United States, and he wasn't sure he ever would be.
Mistakenly say the wrong thing and you would find yourself
accused of being a racist. Luka wasn't really sure what a
racist was, but he didn't think he was one. He found Cleo in
the suture room, working on charts.

"Got a minute?" he asked from the doorway.

Cleo didn't bother to look up. "I'm busy."

"Too busy to give me even a minute of your time? I promise it
won't take longer than that," he said with a sincere smile.

Cleo sighed and looked up at him, her pen clenched tightly in
her hand, the look on her face sour. "One minute."

Luka stepped into the room, waiting until the door had closed
behind him before speaking. "Have I done something to offend
you? You've seemed upset with me all night."

"You're carrying on an affair with another man, Doctor Kovac.
Isn't that more than enough to offend other people? It's bad
enough that you and Carter are...well, you know, but to advertise
the fact is reprehensible. People like you make me sick."

"Why should the gender of who I sleep with matter to you?"

"Because it's wrong, that's why. The Bible is very clear on
that. You come across as a good Catholic, but you must not
have been paying much attention during Mass or you would know
that what you're doing is a sin against God and nature."

"So much for being non-judgmental, hmm? I'm sorry if my life
offends you, Cleo. But, I'm not going to give up the man I
love just because you're suddenly righteous. The Bible also
is very clear about a man and woman engaging in sex outside of
marriage, but that hasn't stopped you from being with Benton,
has it? Is one sin more heinous than another?"

"Yes, when the sin in question is an abomination. Your minute
is up, I need to get back to work." She turned her attention
back to the chart in front of her, summarily dismissing him.

Luka shook his head and left the room. One thing he couldn't
quite understand about Americans was their ability to pick and
chose which of the Ten Commandments they wanted to follow, or
which of the other laws and "thou shalt nots" they wanted to
heed. Feeling the need for fresh air, Luka headed to the roof.
He was saddened to find that Cleo felt that way. While Malucci's
opinion didn't matter to him, Cleo's had. Or maybe it was more
a case of he hated finding out that yet another person was
against his and John's happiness. Couldn't they see the love
there? Was it so wrong for him and John to be in love with each
other? Not in his heart and soul it wasn't.

Luka reached the roof and headed for the railing, resting his
elbows on the edge and staring out over Chicago. From the
street, looking out in this direction was uninspiring, giving
him nothing but a dirty view of a bad part of the city. From
up here, it was easy to believe that people weren't down below
hurting each other. Hurting themselves. Hating each other and
hating themselves. He felt that most Americans didn't appreciate
just how free they were. While it was true that many groups
didn't get along and there was racial and cultural hatred all
around, it wasn't so bad as to bring them to war. Not like
back home where a person would be executed in the street for
the crime of being a Croatian or a Muslim. But, America was
still a young country. Who knew what would happen in a few
more hundred years? After all, the hatreds between the Serbs
and Croats spanned back further than that. If there was anyone
who knew or cared about what began the hatred, it would surprise
him. But, not knowing why they hated each other didn't keep
them from hating. And killing.

But, he and Marija had overcome that. When they looked at each
other they never saw Serb and Croat, or Orthodox and Catholic.
They simply saw first a girl and boy who liked each other, and
later, a woman and man who loved each other. And in their
immediate world, all was well. It took a narrow-minded, hate
filled person to shatter that world. To make Luka suffer, as
one of his neighbors had said, for the sin of loving a woman
who was the wrong nationality. For loving Marija. If he had
never loved her, then she would still be alive now. He sighed,
knowing that it also meant that he would not have had his
children, even for such a short time. He wouldn't trade those
memories for anything in the world. He and Marija had a good
love and a good life. They created beautiful and delightful
children, full of promise. But, that was gone now, with only
photographs to remind him of all he had lost. John had never
asked for Luka to remove the photos of his wife and children,
but one afternoon while John was napping, Luka had done that.
It wasn't fair to make John look at them. Perhaps cause him
to wonder if he was just second best in Luka's heart. Luka
wanted him to know that he was first, now and always. You
couldn't stay in love with a corpse, no matter how fulfilling
that love had been.

Luka smiled as he remembered the day with John. It had been nice
to once more be fully intimate with John. He had not missed
Marija since the moment his and John's lips met for the first
time. It might not have been like that if he had decided to
pursue Carol Hathaway. It had been her resemblance to Marija
that had attracted him to her in the first place, but the
resemblance was only physical in nature. While Carol was a nice
person, she wasn't the generous and giving soul that Marija had
been. John was. And Luka fully enjoyed John's nature.

Luka tensed as he heard footsteps behind him. He turned his
head and saw Peter Benton approaching him.

"I didn't know you were working tonight," Luka said.

"I'm not. My shift ended at midnight. I saw Carter today.
He's getting better, but he still has a long way to go before
he'll be one hundred percent well."

"I know. It's been difficult for him."

"Yeah. It has. He's been pushing himself, and that can do him
more harm than good."

"I keep trying to tell him that."

"Do you?" Benton's voice was sharp and Luka looked up, wondering
what was behind this?

"Yes, I do. I don't want him back in the hospital."

"I just bet you don't. He's only pushing himself for your
benefit. Carter's like that, you know. He'll do anything to
please someone, to have someone tell him that they care about
him."

"Just what are you implying?" Luka turned to fully face Benton.

"I'm not implying anything. I think that you managed to catch
Carter at a low point in his life and you took full advantage of
that. You made him care about you and your opinions, now he'll
do anything to keep from having you think badly of him."

"I didn't "make" John care about me. He did that all on his own,
thank you very much," Luka didn't like this conversation any more
than he had liked the one with Cleo Finch. "I never took
advantage of John in any way."

"He never exhibited an interest in men until you came along.
Look, I just want you to know that just because he's getting
better, you shouldn't let him get too carried away with things."

"Things? Are you talking about sex, Benton?"

"Yes," Peter could feel his cheeks growing warm as he admitted that.
He didn't know what to make of Luka Kovac and Carter's relationship
with the man. It had bothered him when Carter was in the hospital
and Kovac would sleep in the bed with him. But, Anspaugh had let
it go, saying that at least Carter was getting some sleep that
way and that was all that mattered. Peter didn't quite agree
with that. He could remember how eager Carter had been to make
him like him years ago. How hard he had worked for Peter's
approval. He would approach his relationship with Kovac the same
way, Peter was sure of it. What Peter wasn't sure about was
whether or not Luka Kovac was worthy of that type of attention.
He had overheard Carter today as he asked if he could resume his
sex life. That had to be an idea of Kovac's.

"You're jealous." Luka finally said. He had been so blind to not
see it before. The sidelong looks that Benton had sent his way,
the way the man hovered over John, even when Luka was present.
Benton was jealous of him. But, in which way? As a friend who
felt excluded? As a potential lover? At least he didn't have to
think about Benton being an old lover of John's.

"I am not jealous. I just care about Carter. I don't know
if you're what he needs right now, or ever, for that matter."

"And just what do you think he needs right now?" Luka tersely asked.

"He needs someone to be there for him. Someone to support him
as he gets better. He doesn't need someone putting pressure on
him to perform in any way. Someone patient. Someone who loves
him and doesn't want to see him hurt again."

"Sounds like me, Benton. I love John very much, and he loves me.
I've done all I can to make sure he doesn't overdo things, and
resuming our sexual relationship was something he pursued today,
not me. His doctor said it was all right and that it wouldn't
harm him. That's good enough for me, it should be good enough
for you."

Peter shook his head. He didn't like to think of John Carter
being involved in a relationship with another man. And it was
beginning to look like he would have to find some way to get Carter
away from Kovac. He would definitely have to talk with Carter in
the morning, when Kovac wasn't around to interfere. "It's not
good enough, Kovac, because you're not good enough for him."

"And who the Hell made you the judge of that? His parents approve
of our relationship, his grandmother even approves. Who are you
to decide this for John?"

"I'm someone who cares about making sure that he isn't hurt by
you or anyone else. He's been hurt enough already. More than
enough."

"You don't know me well enough to make that kind of judgement
about me," Luka snapped.

"I've watched you at work. I've seen how you behave and react.
You are not what he needs. I'll find a way to make him see that."

"Don't even think about trying anything stupid like that, Benton.
If you try to break us up then I'll kill you. John is the best
thing that's ever happened to me and I won't let him go or stand
by while someone else tries to take him from me."

"Listen to yourself, Kovac," Peter didn't even try to keep his
voice down, "talking about someone "taking him from you" as if he's
a possession. Carter is a human being and not your property.
You don't own him."

"And neither do you. And that's what you can't stand, isn't it?
He's with me, and not with you. You, the one who taught him for
so many years. What? Did you think that if anyone should ever
have a chance with him, it should be you? You had your chances
to go after him and you let them pass you by. If you care about
him like you say you do, then you should be glad that he's happy
with me."

Peter shook his head. "I'm not in love with Carter and you know
it. It's just easier for you to bring sex into the picture than
to admit that Carter is desperate for someone to love him as he
is. He certainly never got that from his family, I've known him
long enough to know that."

"You say that like John doesn't have a will of his own, or that
he's weak. John is anything but weak, Benton. Don't ever think
that he's weak."

"I don't. I just think he's easily led astray when someone
claims to care about him."

"I don't just claim it. I do care about him. Now, if you'll
excuse me, I've got to get back to work." Luka headed for the
door, but he stopped halfway there and turned around to look
back at Benton. "I meant what I said. You had better stay away
from John. I will not allow you to take him from me." Then
Luka stalked off, his anger still simmering beneath the surface.
While Benton didn't come right out and say he was against John
being with another man, his words bothered Luka more than
anyone else's had. If any single person had the power and
influence to make John think twice about their relationship,
it was Peter Benton. Damn him.



As Peter went home, he thought about going to see Carter right
then. But, it was late and he knew that Carter would be asleep.
Then he remembered that by the time he could get over to see
Carter the next day, Kovac would also be home. He was going to
have to wait until Kovac ended up on a day shift so that he
could have a chance to speak with Carter alone. He needed to
find out if Carter was just infatuated with the guy or really in
love with him. If the former, then he was determined to get him
away from Kovac. Carter had been through a lot in such a short
time. And when one looked at all the stressful and horrible
things that had happened to him prior to the attack, well, it
didn't seem fair for one person to have to carry so much. If
nothing else, Carter deserved to be happy now. He had suffered
enough. More than enough. And, if he was wrong and Kovac was
the person that made Carter happy, then Peter was willing to put
aside his animosity and accept that. But, he was sure that Kovac
was not the right person.



For Luka, the days flew by, and he found himself driving home
early one morning anxious about the fact that John was returning
to work that day. Luka had told John that he would drive him to
the hospital. John had replied that he didn't want Luka risking
his life to get home in a hurry and there was no reason why he
couldn't take the El to work, as he had done many times. But,
those times had not been done with him on crutches or in pain.
Luka remembered how people had rudely shoved their way past him
and Carol when he was trying to help her get back to the hospital
while in labor back in November. If they had no consideration
for a woman about to pop, then they wouldn't care about a man on
crutches either. So, Luka had assured John that he would be
home in time to take him to work. Inside, Luka was beginning
to get very irritated at how he was working nothing but nights.
And when he had seen the schedule last night, he saw that for
the upcoming week, he was still working nights. What had he
done to tick off Kerry? Was she secretly punishing him for
being with John? Was Romano making her put him on the night
shifts because of his relationship with John? Or was it just
a coincidence? Luka didn't know and he was afraid to ask.
But, it was making him upset, especially now that John would
be working days. Dammitt, he wanted to be there for John,
both at work and at home. As Malucci would say, the situation
sucked.

When Luka entered the apartment, he found John in the living
room, dressed and ready for work. John smiled, then looked
up at him, expecting a "good morning" kiss. What he got was
a lot more passionate than "good morning".

"Wow. What brought that on?" John asked with a grin.

Luka dropped to the cushion beside him. "I was wondering if
I could make you change your mind about returning to work today."

John slowly shook his head. "It's time for me to go back. I'm
going crazy just sitting around here all day."

"But, are you ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be. I know that today will be rough. I
can handle rough, though. I don't break easy, Luka."

Luka reached out to softly stroke John's cheek. "No, you don't.
Well, are you ready to go?"

"I can take the El, Luka. There's no reason for you to drive
me. You're tired and need to get to sleep."

"I'm not that tired, John. I'll let you take the El home, but
today, I will drive you to work." Luka stood, then waited while
John slowly got to his feet. It was Luka's biased opinion that
John wasn't physically ready to work in the E.R., but since
Anspaugh had thought otherwise, Luka couldn't convince John to
stay home. As for John's mental and emotional state, well,
Luka wasn't sure how John would handle the day. From his own
experience, he knew that going back to work would be emotionally
draining for John, especially if he had to go into Curtain Three
for any reason. But, avoiding the place wouldn't solve anything.
And, being home didn't mean that John's thoughts never strayed
to Valentine's Day. In fact, being at work, where the constant
stream of patients would distract him, was probably better for
John than sitting home alone all day.

"Let's go," John led the way out the door and Luka had no choice
but to follow him.


As John made his way to the ambulance bay, he knew that Luka
was watching him. It wasn't until he was halfway into the E.R.
that he heard the car drive away. That should have made him
relax, but it didn't. Haleh greeted him warmly and he found
himself looking down as he answered her. Why was it so hard to
come back? Nothing had happened here. It had happened in
another room. John had never felt this unsettled about work
before. Not even the first time he had walked into this E.R.
as a medical student. God, that had been an eternity ago, he
thought.

John made it through signing in, talking with Peter Benton and
being startled by Deb Chen. The last thing bothered him. Why
would he jump just because someone touched him? Luka touched
him all the time and he never jumped. Then again, Luka didn't
touch him here at work. Somehow, John made it through the day.
There had been some painful moments, like when he went to
intubate a patient and felt that familiar sharp and intense
pain as he bent to do so. Raising the table took care of that
problem. There had been some awkward moments, too, such as
when Kerry Weaver stopped by to talk to him as he was signing
charts near the end of his shift. He had purposely sought out
a desk in the hallway, but he never did manage to bring himself
to look into Curtain Three whenever people opened the door.

And there had been some tense moments, like when he first found
himself alone in the lounge with Dave Malucci. John remembered
Abby telling him that Dave had not been understanding about him
and Luka, so he wasn't sure what to expect. Certainly not the
smile and clap on the shoulder, the words welcoming him back.
The joking about it now being time for him to pull a few extra
shifts for Dave since he had been one of the people covering for
him. But, no ugliness, no hateful words. Had Abby and Luka
been wrong then? Everyone was nice to him, just as they had
always been, and that made the day go by a little easier.

Kerry had been considerate and thoughtful as she grilled him.
Was he in a lot of pain? No, he lied. He lied to all of her
questions. He didn't want to talk about pain management --
his back would get better soon. It had to. He didn't want
to talk about seeing a therapist or getting support from his
family. He had seen his Gamma the other day, and he saw Luka
all the time. He didn't need the rest of his family around
in order to feel he was being supported. His parents called
on a regular basis and that was enough for him.

Still, when it was time to leave, he found himself telling
Luka that he was going to visit his Gamma and didn't know when
he would be home. Luka had simply nodded, then sneaked a quick
kiss before telling him to have a good visit. No warning to be
careful or to not stay out too late. So, John had hailed a
taxi and soon found himself seated in his Gamma's kitchen as
she reheated soup. They had a good visit and he didn't even
put up a fight when she insisted on having him driven home.
With her, he had been able to put his feelings into words about
the day -- he had been afraid. Afraid of what, he didn't know.
But, that was the gist of it. He had been afraid. It had felt
good though when she told him that she realized he was meant
to be a doctor after all. Now, if only she could make grandfather
see that, he would be a happier man.

And yet, despite the grueling day and the late supper, when John
finally got into bed, he found himself staring at the ceiling.
An all too common sight for him most nights. He had tried so
many different tactics for getting some sleep, but nothing
worked. Or, if he was lucky and found relief one night, it
wouldn't work the next. Every morning, when Luka would come
home, John would do his best to pretend that he was just waking
up, but he wasn't. He was still wide-awake. And that wouldn't
do him any good now that he was back to work. Not any good at
all. And so he spent his night watching the ceiling, not moving
until he heard Luka's key in the door. It was time to get to
work again. John closed his eyes and willed himself to get out
of bed. Willed himself to face a day without Luka there to
help him. A new day to have to pass Curtain Three and force
himself to not think about what happened there. A new day to
try to ignore the pain in his back as he tried to help those
in even more pain. Maybe it was a good thing that he couldn't
sleep, he thought, because it would be all too easy to spend
his time hoping that he simply wouldn't wake up the next
morning. And that thought scared him more than anything else.

So, John forced himself out of bed. But, when he kissed Luka
hello, he found himself too tempted to pull Luka back into their
bed. Their lovemaking was rushed, but satisfying, and it gave
John enough of a boost to convince himself that he could make
it through another day. They showered together, then John put
Luka to bed and quietly left the apartment, taking the crowded
El to work. If he kept telling himself that he would be all
right, then sooner or later, it would happen. Right?


Translations:

JA ljubav te
I love you

JA potreba te
I need you

Uzeti mene, Ja sam tvoj
Take me, I am yours

Ti si zrak JA disati
You are the air I breathe

Ti si moj srcem i dušom
You are my heart and soul.

JA volja ljubav te zauvijek
I will love you forever
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