Luka pressed harder on the down button, using all his will to make the elevator arrive faster. So far though, his will wasn't enough. Not enough to bring the elevator to the floor. Not enough to make John better. Old emotions were threatening to merge with new ones and he could feel a scream welling up in the back of his throat. He hadn't been able to keep his lover from being hurt, just as he hadn't been able to protect his family. He was about to pound on the elevator doors when they slid open and he rushed inside, nearly knocking over the small person who had been trying to exit on the floor. He reached out to steady the woman, belatedly realizing it was Abby Lockhart.
"Dr. Kovac, are you okay? Has something happened?" Abby was worried that either Lucy or John Carter were dead.
"They're both in surgery and the nurses at the desk say that the surgeries are going well. I just...can't stay here."
Abby nodded. "I know what you mean. I don't want to go home without knowing how they are, but I don't feel comfortable hanging around the hospital. I was thinking about going over to Doc Magoos for some coffee. You're more than welcome to join me."
Luka found himself nodding. "I'd like that. I don't want to be alone right now. But, I have to change first. I just now noticed that I'm wearing John's...that this scrub top isn't wearable."
Abby nodded again, wondering why he hadn't found the time to change earlier. The first thing she had done once Carter had gone upstairs was to find a clean lab coat. And Chen had found a scrub top to cover the blood stains on her dress. A dress she vowed to never wear again. Abby had decided then that wearing dresses to work was not a good idea. You never knew what would get on it and then what would you do? Change completely? Cover it up as Chen had? It wasn't a question that Abby ever wanted to answer.
"I'll meet you there," she said as she stepped out of the elevator. She watched the doors close, thinking that Kovac looked panicked. She hadn't heard that he and Carter were close friends or him and Lucy, either. But, he had been the second person to enter that room, so Abby supposed he was having a delayed reaction to the scene they had encountered. She made her way to the nurses desk, grateful to see that two of the nurses there were people she knew.
After changing, Luka threw the scrub top in the hazardous waste bin with the bloody gloves and gowns. He had used the one in trauma one, not wanting to risk going back into trauma two. He knew that he would still see John there - pale and still. Bloody. He swallowed heavily against the bile that was rising in his throat and he rushed outside, not even bothering to say goodbye to anyone. Not that they would notice. Everyone was too caught up in what they were doing to notice. Mark Greene was busy with a patient and Luka neither knew nor cared where Kerry Weaver had gotten off to. How dare she blame him for the stabbing? As if he would want John hurt. And yet, in his heart, he knew that he was partly to blame for the incident. He had been in charge and he had let things get out of control. Maybe if there had been no party they would have heard Lucy cry out for help. Or John. Maybe someone would have noticed that Sobriki was running around with a knife. Kerry's words echoed in his brain as he leaned over the trash can, retching. "You were having a party!" She had accused him. And then Mark had turned the tables on her, seeming to put the blame on John. Luka had almost gotten back into the argument then, wanting to defend John. But, Chuny interrupted them to say that Sobriki's wife was there looking for her husband. Looking for the sick bastard that had nearly killed John and Lucy. Might still kill them. They weren't out of surgery yet. And Kerry had looked over at him, her eyes watery, her face tired, Lucy's blood smeared on her sweater, and asked him to talk to the woman. As he had walked with Samantha Sobriki to chairs, the scrub top had touched his skin and he felt a cold dampness - John's blood. It had soaked the top and Luka had to sit there with John's blood touching his skin and find a gentle way to tell Samantha Sobriki what her husband had done.
Wiping his mouth, Luka reflected that he had first felt sorry for Mrs. Sobriki, but her fierce denial had soon gotten on his nerves. He had wanted to grab her by the shoulders and scream at her - tell her that someone he loved had been stabbed by her husband and she had better tell them where he might be. But, he didn't. As usual, he had held it all inside. And now he didn't think he could hold any more in. He ran across the street, but once inside the diner he headed straight for the men's room. He spent a long time bent over the sink rinsing his mouth, then finally decided to see if Abby had arrived.
He found her seated at a booth near the door, a cup of coffee on the table in front of her, but she wasn't drinking it. He watched as she stared off into space, knowing that she was reliving the trauma. After signaling to the waitress that he wanted a cup of coffee, he silently slid into the seat across from her.
"It isn't often that you have to treat someone you know," he said.
"I know," she replied. "It's still unnerving. Especially with Sobriki back."
"Sobriki's in the hospital?" he sharply asked. Under the table, his hands clenched as he imagined that man's throat within his grasp.
"He was hit by a car and brought in. Malik recognized him. The man was...terrified. He kept begging us to not stick him, saying that they wouldn't stop sticking him. I guess he meant Doctor Carter and Lucy. Doctor Weaver became so upset that she had to leave the room and then Doctor Greene came in to take care of the man. I guess they couldn't find you then."
"That was probably for the best," he spit out. "I would have gladly killed the bastard for what he did to John."
Abby looked at him intently. "I didn't know that you and Doctor Carter were close friends," she ventured to say.
"We're lovers." Luka hadn't meant to say that to her, but the words he had been holding back all evening had escaped him. He'd had to distance himself from John in order to treat him, and in Luka's heart, he felt as if he had betrayed their love by doing that.
"Oh." Abby didn't know what to say to that. It obviously wasn't a joke because the man looked as if he was about to cry. "You shouldn't have treated him."
"I know that. But, it was clear that Kerry couldn't treat him. She was having a difficult enough time taking care of Lucy. Abby, please don't tell anyone what I've told you. No one else knows about this. We've somehow managed to keep it a secret."
"I won't tell anyone, Doctor Kovac."
"I think that in light of what I just told you, you can call me Luka now."
She nodded, thinking he was right. It was certainly more than she had wanted to know about him. Or about John Carter. Mentally, she shook her head as she wrote off the two most eligible men in the ER. She had been separated a long time before beginning divorce proceedings against her husband and she was ready for a decent relationship. She had found Luka to be darkly mysterious and intriguing -- a definite possibility. And John Carter was charming and sincere, a genuinely caring individual who also happened to be handsome. Another definite possibility. And now she was finding out that they were only possibilities with each other. Damn.
"How long... I mean, have the two of you been together for a long time?" She knew she was blushing, but she couldn't help it. She could tell that Luka needed to talk. She just didn't know what to talk about.
"Since Christmas Day. I'd taken Carol and her babies home, then was heading home myself. I saw him on the side of the road with a flat tire, and stopped to help. Then we spent Christmas together." Luka realized how little information that actually was. It had been so much more complicated than that -- and so simple. They'd discovered each other that day.
He found himself telling Abby about Carter's family, how they refused to respect John. He told her how hurt John was by their disdain for his work, how the Carter family regarded the hospital as somehow beneath them. John was good, too good, at covering up the pain this caused him. Luka also admitted to Abby what he didn't want to tell John -- that they would probably never change their minds. The love John wanted from his family would probably never be his, but Luka would make up for it in any way he could.
"You really love him, don't you?" Abby gently asked.
"I'm not ashamed to admit that I do. He's everything to me, Abby. I can't lose him. I've lost so much already - my wife and children. Other members of my family - I can't add him to that list. I won't."
"He'll be fine, Luka. Anspaugh and Benton are both excellent surgeons. The nurses on the surgical floor told me that both of them care a lot about Carter. He's in good hands, Luka. They won't let him die."
"In my mind, I know that you're right. It's my heart that's having trouble believing that."
"He'll live. He has to live. Carter is a good person. He supervised me with a rough case today."
"Oh? Tell me about it."
Abby found herself telling Luka about everything that had happened. About her doubts and fears and Carter's insistence that she do as her patient wanted and not as she wanted. About how Carter tracked her down on the roof to talk with her. To comfort her. To reassure her.
"John's right about that, you know. You never get used to it." Luka said, a soft smile playing upon his mouth as he pictured John telling her that.
Abby was about to reply when Dave Malucci and Jing-Mei Chen entered the diner. They called them over and the four of them sat together to talk about the stabbing, the traumas afterward, and how they were feeling.
Luka listened to the others as they speculated about what had happened. He didn't really care about the hows and the whys. All he cared about was whether or not he could have done something to prevent it. Whether any of them could have done anything to keep John and Lucy safe. He also couldn't forget the fact that he and John had made plans for Valentine's. He remembered the look on John's face earlier when he had reached into the pocket of his lab coat and found the candy hearts. Luka had taken advantage of the fact they were standing side by side at the admit desk earlier and he grinned as he watched John read each heart, then put them in the pocket of his pants. Luka frowned, trying to remember what had happened with John's clothing. The shirt was useless, but the pants could be cleaned. He vaguely remembered hearing some of the policemen saying that they would have to collect evidence. They didn't mean John and Lucy's clothes though, did they? He was just about to ask that when Lydia and Haleh walked in. A table was pulled up to the booth and the women joined them, giving their report on the status of John and Lucy in surgery.
"What happened to their clothes?" Luka blurted.
"The police took them as evidence," Lydia replied.
"Why? It's obvious that the only blood there is theirs. You can't get fingerprints from a shirt," Dave said.
"I know, but it's procedure."
"What about John's personal things? His wallet and keys?" Luka demanded to know. A key to his apartment was on John's keyring, just as he had a key to John's place. Not that he really needed it. John was practically living with him, but he seemed reluctant to give up his own place.
"We have those in an envelope," Haleh told him. "Doctor Weaver has it.
"I see." Luka returned to his brooding, only half listening to the stories that Haleh and Lydia were telling about John and Lucy. Chen had a few of her own from when she and John were third year students together, doing their rotation under Peter Benton. The woman had been hazardous to John's health back then, and when she recounted the tale of the fake "rectal exam", Luka felt a stab of jealousy that this woman would even think about touching John intimately.
Then he had to suffer through the story of how Chuny found John and Lucy in an exam room nearly a year ago - making out hot and heavy. Thank God nothing ever came of that, he thought. But, he hated the fact that Lucy had kissed John. Had wanted more from him than that. Had almost gotten it, too. He mentally kicked himself then. He had no right to be jealous of the women John had been with before they met. Just as John wasn't jealous over Marija or any of the men Luka had been with over the years. Not that John would give voice to any jealous feelings - he was too starved for love and affection to risk losing someone over a jealous argument.
When Chuny walked into the diner, Luka could tell from her eyes and manner that something was wrong. Someone was dead. Don't let it be John, he prayed. Please don't let it be John. He was the only one at the table who dared ask what was wrong and Chuny told them in one word, "Lucy."
Luka turned his head, lowering his gaze so the others wouldn't see the relief that had to be showing there. John was alive. He wasn't dead.
He heard Chuny tell everyone what had happened with Lucy, how she had made it fine through surgery only to die from a pulmonary embolism. He listened as Chuny told them that John was out of surgery and in recovery. That they had repaired his kidney, but then found even more bleeding and also had to give him a temporary colostomy because Paul Sobriki had practically sliced the descending colon in half. How John had lost a lot of blood, but was stable. How they were going to have to administer full spectrum antibiotics for the next couple of days because of the risk of infection from the injury to his colon. And all Luka could do was sit there with his eyes closed and thank God for not letting John die.
After that, the small group broke up. It was late, or early, depending on how you looked at things like that. It was four in the morning when Luka returned to the hospital, intent on seeing John before heading home. Wanting to delay his return home to the cold bed that awaited him. A bed that would have been very warm by now if not for Paul Sobriki.
Luka paused just outside of recovery. He could see John easily enough, but John wasn't alone. Kerry Weaver was at his bedside and Luka watched from the hallway as she slowly combed John's hair and gently caressed his face. He could see her lips move, but John was still out and Luka knew that John couldn't hear her. Still, it was clear she needed this time alone with him.
When Kerry left the room, she looked slightly embarrassed to see Luka in the hall.
"Luka, I need to apologize to you. I accused you of being responsible for what happened last night. I was wrong. I can't excuse myself either. I shouldn't have lashed out at you."
"Kerry, you were upset. We were all upset then."
"That doesn't excuse what I said. We won't have a clearer picture of what happened until Carter wakes up enough to tell us about yesterday and last night. And even then, he might not be able to tell us much."
"He didn't see who stabbed him." Luka remembered John shaking his head when that asshole of a police officer had been trying to question him in the trauma room. Luka was about to order the man out when Chen practically shoved him away from John.
"Oh." Kerry blinked hard and Luka could see she was trying to keep from crying. "I need to go. I've got to find Romano."
"Has John been awake?"
Kerry nodded. "The nurse told me that he woke up for about a minute when he first came out from under the anesthesia. He's pretty out of it right now."
"I just wanted to check on him quickly before I went home. I'm still due to be at work at noon, right?"
"Yeah. I haven't had a chance yet to rearrange the schedule to accommodate them...Carter being gone."
"Mark or I can do the schedule for you, Kerry. That's one of the things Attendings handle."
"I know. I just like doing it myself. I'll see you in a few hours."
"Right."
Luka watched her walk away, then he entered the recovery area. There was only one nurse in there and she smiled at him as he approached John's bed. Then she left.
Luka stood there for a few moments, simply looking at John. When he finally reached out to caress John's cheek, he noticed that his hand was shaking, a reminder of how scared he had been that John would die. John's skin felt comfortingly warm under his palm and Luka once more said a prayer of thanks. He looked down, not expecting to see John looking up at him.
"Hello," Luka said, moving his hand so that John could talk, but not removing it from John's body. He couldn't bear to break contact with John, so he settled for holding his hand.
"Hi," John's voice was still hoarse from the intubation. "You were talking to me?"
"No," Luka shook his head. "Kerry was just in here."
"Oh. I'm sorry I missed her."
"John? I'm sorry."
John looked puzzled, and Luka explained, "I should have done something...anything, to keep this from happening. I let the party get too loud. I didn't follow up on the patients when Mark left..."
John cut Luka off. "It wasn't your fault, Luka. He wasn't violent. I had no idea that he would do something like this. Neither did Lucy."
John paused to wet his lips, but before he could continue, Luka spoke up. "I love you."
John smiled. "I know." He remembered the candy hearts that Luka had slipped into his pocket. Many different colors, but all one message: I luv you. "Don't get angry, but I don't have them anymore."
"I know. The police took your clothes as evidence. I'll buy you more."
John slowly shook his head. "I was hungry and I ate them."
Luka grinned. "Oh really? So, tell me, did you chew them or did you suck on them until they dissolved in your mouth?"
John began to laugh, but he quickly stopped as he felt pain despite the painkillers he had been given. "What do you think?" he finally asked.
Luka squeezed his hand, then leaned down and quickly kissed him on the lips. "I think I had better leave and let you rest. I need to get home and get some sleep. I'm on at noon, but I'll be by to see you in the afternoon."
"Okay. Luka?" There was hesitation in John's voice.
"Yes?"
"Did someone call my parents?"
Luka remembered Kerry asking Amira to get John and Lucy's personnel files, but he wasn't sure if Kerry had actually called anyone. He supposed that she had. "I think Kerry called them."
"Are they coming?" Luka could hear the hope in John's voice and he couldn't bring himself to tell him that he didn't know the answer. "I'm sure they're on their way. Now, you need to close your eyes and rest."
"I'm not sleepy," John protested.
"Rest anyway," Luka ordered. He leaned over once more and kissed John again, a lingering kiss this time. If a nurse came in and saw him, then he would deal with it. But, he had to kiss John. Had to touch him.
John smiled up at Luka. "I'll see you later?"
"Yes," Luka replied. He reached down with his other hand to caress John's cheek again, watching as John's eyelids slowly closed and the man fell asleep. Still, he stood there for a few minutes more, wanting to make sure that John was asleep before he left. He could have easily stood there for hours, but he heard the door open and he quickly stepped back from John's bed, letting go of his hand. When he turned around, he saw the nurse from earlier.
"I need to check his vitals," she told him.
"I was leaving anyway. Do you know when he'll be moved to a step down room?"
"We'll be moving him in about an hour. If his vitals remain stable, then he'll be in his room by this afternoon."
"Good."
Luka watched as she began to make notations on John's chart, then he left. He had no idea where Kerry had gone, so he couldn't try to find out if she had called John's parents. She had mentioned needing to find Romano, but since he had no idea where Romano was, he didn't think he could find her. Besides, he was tired and needed sleep. He was certain that Kerry had called them, what he wasn't sure about was if they were on their way. They had better be, he told himself. John needed to have them by his bedside right now. Needed them to be supportive and loving. Something Luka was certain they had never been. But, they could pretend to care. It was the least they could do.
Copyright Footer', 'This site is not affiliated in any way with "ER", its writers or production company, or NBC, and makes no profit from the show. The ERROS skin is by Brihana. The script is eFiction version 3.4.2© Tammy Keefer, http://efiction.org\r\n