From The Journal of Dennis Gant:

"I can't believe that Benton is such an ass. Telling me I had to
work twice as hard as anyone else just to prove I'm good enough to
be a doctor, just because I'm African American. Just who does he
think he is, anyway? I swear, he is getting on my nerves big time.
If he keeps up with this type of attitude, then I don't know if I
can make it an entire year. My evaluation was horrible. According
to John, he gave everyone the same review. It's like he doesn't see
what we can do. John claims that he did more last year as Benton's
student then he's doing now. I cannot understand how John can stand
to work with the man. Maybe he's just a sucker for punishment or
something. John is so blind sometimes. I swear he's got to be the
most naïve person I've ever met. Believes that most people are
good inside, doesn't see it when people are out to get him. Doesn't
see it when someone wants him. Like Keaton. Man, she is hot for
him. You can see it in her eyes when she looks at him, hear it in
her voice when she talks to him. She's always so gentle around him,
but then again, she's gentle around everyone. Why can't Benton be
more like her?"


John was quiet on the El for the entire ride to their stop. Nothing
that Dennis said or did made him want to talk. It wasn't until they
were in the apartment and alone that John began to relax.

"Okay, want to talk about it?" Dennis asked, sitting down next to
John on the couch.

"Not really. It was just a bad day all the way around, you know?
What a Halloween."

"Yeah."

"You were doing really great in that gun shot trauma, Dennis. But,
then you let Benton get you flustered. Why do you let him do that
to you?"

Dennis shrugged, "I don't know. He's just so damned intimidating,
I guess."

"Intimidation is what Keaton does to Benton. Man, you should see
the way he just folds up in front of her." John laughed as he
remembered how much Benton did not know when he was trying to calm
a crying baby. "He is so out of his league with this pediatric
surgery rotation. It's great to watch him."

"Well, at least one of us is getting to have some fun. With my
luck, he'll take all his frustrations out on me."

"Dennis, you just can't let him do that to you. Stand up to him."

"John, I've tried. I really have tried. It's just no use. He
keeps knocking me back down, time and time again."

John reached over and tenderly ran the back of his fingers down
Dennis' cheek. "Hey, you sound like you could use some cheering
up."

Dennis smiled slightly, "Being with you always cheers me up, John.
But, I promised Monique that I would call her tonight."

John dropped his hand, then sighed. "Well, I'm going to get a
shower then."

They left the living room and went to their bedrooms. As Dennis
dialed Monique's number, he could hear John heading into the
bathroom. He smiled as he remembered their first time together -
it had happened after John had been in the shower. There had
been so many other times since then, even though they had not
been roommates for that long. Now they were bedmates. Each night
they flipped a coin to see whose bed they would sleep in. So far,
he was in the lead, with them having spent more time in his bed
than they had in John's. Not that John was complaining.

His conversation with Monique was short and it left him feeling
empty. There was something wrong with her. Or else things were
changing between them. If he didn't have John around as a
distraction, he would be tempted to call her back and demand an
explanation. But, he knew that John was in the next room, naked
and warm from the water. Whatever was going on with Monique
would still be going on tomorrow.

The bathroom door was unlocked, just as he knew it would be.
Dennis grabbed the towel and sat down on the toilet lid, waiting
for John to finish. A thrill of anticipation shot through him
as he heard the water stop. Then the shower curtain was pushed
back and John was looking for his towel.

Dennis grinned as he held out the towel, keeping it just out of
John's reach. "Looking for this?"

"You know I am."

"I also know you don't need it. Step out of the tub."

"I'll get the floor wet."

"The floor will dry." Dennis stood as John stepped over the side
of the tub. As they faced each other, Dennis began to dry John's
body, moving the towel slowly and carefully over his skin, noting
that it was still rosy from the hot water. Dennis took great care
to make sure every inch of John's skin was dry. Every inch of skin
except for that on his penis. He deliberately avoided touching John
there and he could see that it was driving his friend crazy. He
knew from past experience that if he didn't touch John soon, then
John would start to beg for his touch. In fact, he was counting on
that to happen. He liked hearing John beg for him to make love to
him. Tonight though, there would be no bed. He was going to bring
a fantasy to life. He had long dreamed about having his way with
John in front of a roaring fire with the snow falling outside.
Well, there was no snow, but it was chilly enough to warrant a
fire, especially since John was just out of the shower.

Dennis knelt on the floor to dry John's legs and feet and he had
to duck his head to hide the smile that appeared the second he
heard John whimper.

"Dennis, please?"

"Please what?"

"Please don't torment me like this. Touch me."

"I am touching you, John." To demonstrate that fact, Dennis rubbed
the towel briskly up John's thigh, stopping within inches of his
groin and making him whimper once again.

"Damn, Dennis, you're driving me crazy."

"All I'm doing is drying you off, John. How can that drive you
crazy?"

"You know how. Lord, Dennis, don't do this to me."

Dennis stood and placed the towel on the towel bar so it could
dry, then he walked out of the bathroom and to the living room so
he could start the fire. He knew that John would be right behind
him and sure enough, when he turned around, there he was.

With a smile, Dennis pulled John down to the carpet, and as the
flames danced behind him, he began to run his tongue all over
John's body - still with one notable exception. It didn't take
long for John to notice the omission. It took even less time
for him to start to beg.

"Dennis, make me come. Please?"

"Did I ever tell you that I've had a fantasy about making love
to you right here? The two of us on the floor while a fire blazed
brightly before us. And snow falling outside."

"Damn, Dennis. Quit talking about it and start doing it," John's
voice was more demanding than pleading.

"As you wish." Dennis finally lowered his head, taking John's
very hard penis into his mouth. He couldn't help but smile as
he heard John's sighs of pleasure and he began to suck harder,
knowing that it wouldn't take much to get John to come. Dennis
strategically positioned his body so that John couldn't move his
hips at all - any relief that he obtained would all come from
Dennis' efforts and none from his own.

That didn't keep John from trying to move, but he finally realized
the fruitlessness of that and he lay still, simply enjoying what
Dennis was doing. He could feel his need build until he wanted
to scream from the aching of it. And he did cry out when his
orgasm overcame him and Dennis still sucked him.

"You are so loud," Dennis chuckled when he finished with John.

"If I am, then it's all your fault," John tried to pout, but he
ended up laughing instead as Dennis pulled him into a sitting
position and then began to kiss him. John smiled as Dennis gasped
from what John's hands were doing to him.

"I want you. Now." Dennis said.

"Here?"

"Here." Dennis' voice was thick with desire as he pushed John to
the floor again.

"Now?"

"Now." Dennis kissed John, then let his lips trail down John's
neck and over his chest. Seeking out the parts of John's body that
were the most sensitive to his tongue. Which happened to be nearly
every inch of skin on his body. Dennis never grew tired of playing
with John's body. To him, a perfect day would be one that he spent
in bed with John, doing anything he wanted to him. Which would
be everything. But, most especially, things that made John moan
like the way he was doing now.

As Dennis entered him, John's mind was miles away from work and
the way his insides had gotten all queasy when Abby Keaton had
smiled at him. Or the way her voice cut through to his soul.
Right now, she was the furthest thing from his mind -- all he
cared about was making sure Dennis' hunger was sated. Anything
to keep Dennis' mind off of Monique and the games the girl was
playing with his mind and heart. God, John hated to see Dennis
so hurt by her machinations. He swore to himself that he would
do everything he could to make Dennis happy. But, afterward, as
the two of them lay on the carpet in front of the fire, John
couldn't help remembering the odd look in Abby Keaton's eyes as
they talked earlier. And just about any other time they talked.
If he were more worldly, like Doug Ross, then he would know
whether or not she was making subtle passes at him. But, he
wasn't worldly. If she was, then he would most likely find out
soon enough, and if she wasn't, well, then there wasn't anything
to worry about. He didn't want to pursue a relationship with
Benton's teacher. Or did he?



From The Journal of Dennis Gant

"Well, I now know for sure that what I've feared is true. John
has a girlfriend. That's where he's been going. That's why he's
been reluctant to have sex with me. Hell, he spent Christmas Eve
with her instead of me. I really don't care about not going over
to his parent's house, but I did want to make love with him
tonight. Not that it mattered. I say tonight, but it was almost
dawn on Christmas morning when I got home. Too many files to
deal with at work, thanks to Benton. The man hates me. I wonder
who the woman is? John hasn't mentioned anyone. I'll bet it's
Keaton. She's been after him for quite some time now; maybe she
finally caught him. Man, I've got some nerve feeling jealous
because he's with a woman. I have Monique. At least I think
I have her. She's been so distant lately. I think she's found
herself another man. I wish she would just come right out and
tell me. Let me know for sure where I stand. I've heard that
she's been going out with a guy, but I don't have any confirmation
from her. It was a bitch that she cancelled out on coming up
here for Christmas. If I could talk to her face to face then I
could find out what's going on with her. I wonder if John is
seeing Keaton? When she looks at John I can see the want in
her eyes. I've never really noticed if he's been looking back
at her. Not that it would be a bad thing for him. I like her.
Everyone likes Abby Keaton. Well, Benton probably doesn't like
her, but I don't think he likes anyone except himself. Hell,
if John's serious about Keaton then I should avoid him as much
as I can. I know that he's trying to be faithful to her, but
he tempts me too much. If I don't avoid him, then I'll end up
taking him to bed and it's obvious he doesn't want that now.
Doesn't want me now."


John closed the apartment door, leaned against it and let his body
slide to the floor. He didn't know how he was able to keep
himself under control for so much time. Had it only been two
hours since Benton had pronounced Dennis dead? It felt like an
eternity. John closed his eyes against his tears. He didn't
want to cry again. He had cried right after Dennis died and no
one said anything to him about it. They all understood. Well,
Benton probably didn't understand, he never understood anything
about him. But, everyone else knew that he and Dennis were
roommates and friends, so they understood his grief. He wondered
if Abby would understand? She was in a plane somewhere over the
Atlantic, on her way to Pakistan. She had decided that she didn't
need to have him around and had taken the teaching position. A
position guaranteed to take her far away from him. Maybe he had
been too boring for her. Or too inexperienced. Too something.
She had turned her back on their romance just as he had turned
his back on Dennis. And now they both had left him behind.

He thought about the last time he saw Dennis. They had spoken in
the cafeteria after the encounter with Benton and Anspaugh. The
conversation had been short and, for John, relieving. Dennis
didn't blame him for not backing him up in front of the Chief of
Staff. John had gladly gone on his way, confident that their
friendship had remained intact. Later, he had run into Dennis
in the surgical locker room. Dennis had been sitting on a bench,
looking very sad and thoughtful. John made sure they were alone,
then sat beside him.

"Are you all right?"

Dennis barely nodded. "Don't worry about me, John. I told you
that everything was cool with us."

"I feel as if I let you down." If only he could explain to him
about Benton catching him with Abby. Surely Dennis would understand
that he couldn't risk Benton telling Anspaugh about that.

"Don't worry about it. It hurt at first, but not anymore." It
didn't hurt him as much as it had hurt when he realized that John
had a girlfriend. Despite the fact that he wanted to remain
faithful to Monique, he couldn't stop wanting to be with John.
Strange how John finding a woman and his losing Monique had
happened at about the same time. And now he was acting like a
fool trying to get Monique back into his life. He should be
grateful that she was out of it - maybe now that Keaton was gone,
he should concentrate on getting John back into his bed.

"I could kiss the hurt away," John smiled gently.

Dennis shook his head and placed his hand on John's thigh. "There
are some hurts that can't be kissed better, John. Don't worry
about it. I'll be fine."

John looked uncertainly at Dennis. He liked the fact that Dennis
was willing to touch him again. After he had told him at Christmas
that he had a girlfriend, Dennis had seemed reluctant to touch
him. "I need to go back to the E.R. When will you be getting
home?"

"I'm covering the E.R. starting at six. Another twelve-hour
shift. Then I'll be home. When are you on again?"

"Tomorrow morning. I'll see you at home then."

"Sure."

John stood, then impulsively leaned down and quickly kissed Dennis.
He left just as quickly, not wanting to see if Dennis had been
angered or pleased by the kiss. He knew he would find out what his
reaction had been once Dennis got home later.

John hastily wiped away his tears as he remembered that. There had
been no later for them. The next time he had seen Dennis, he was
unrecognizable. Why was Dennis on the El platform? Why did he
leave the hospital? Why did he leave him? His tears flowed freely
as memories of Dennis washed over him, obliterating his view of
the apartment and temporarily dulling the pain. John knew that
when the memories ended, the pain would return with a vengeance,
but he didn't care about that right now. All he cared about was
that he had held something precious in his hands and had lost it
forever.

An idea occurred to him - there might be things in Dennis' room
that he wouldn't want his mother and father to see. John knew that
Dennis kept a journal because he had often seen him writing in it.
He had no idea what Dennis wrote and he never asked him about it.
They were Dennis' private thoughts and he felt he had no right to
intrude upon them. He got to his feet and headed for Dennis'
bedroom, not really wanting to go in there, but knowing that he
had to enter that room at least one more time.



From The Journal of Dennis Gant:

"This is John writing, not Dennis. Dennis died yesterday. He
either died by accident or killed himself. The police say that
it was an accident. I know better. No one will ever read this
journal, but I think it's important to write down what happened
to Dennis - bring the book to an end, I suppose.

Dennis was so alone and lonely. I had ended our relationship
because I was getting involved with Abby. I have never really
believed in being involved with two people at the same time. Casual
sex I can handle, but nothing that involves more than that. Abby
seemed to want more than casual sex and so did Dennis. Since
Dennis had Monique, I felt free to chose Abby over him. Maybe
that was a mistake. I'll never know. Monique broke things
off with Dennis around Christmas, leaving him totally alone.
I was too wrapped up in Abby to notice how down he had become.
I had my own problems in that I couldn't bring myself to admit
to Abby how I felt about her and then she accepted a teaching
position in Pakistan and was going to leave me behind. Even
then I couldn't tell her I loved her. She was so sure that
there were no deep feelings involved. She was wrong. Wrapped
up in my own pending loss, I avoided Dennis and his problems.
I didn't have much time left with Abby and I didn't want to
spend it in a depressed state. I was wrong to act that way;
I can see that now. But, it's too late now. Much too late.
Abby left the same day that Dennis died, and now I am the
one who has been left alone and lonely. How fitting."


Kerry sighed as she closed the notebook. She had not meant to
read something so obviously private, but when she had found the
notebook on the couch, she had opened it to find out what it
was. The more she read, the more she knew that she should put
the book down. But, conversely, the more she read, the more
she knew she just couldn't do that. Yesterday had been the
anniversary of Gant's death and Kerry supposed that John had
been reading over the journal while she had been at work. Then
she found herself wondering if John had ever read the journal.
Just because he had added a part at the end, it didn't mean that
he had read the entire thing. If he had, then he would see he
had no reason to feel guilty about Gant's death. The journal
was a testament to Gant's mental and emotional state during that
year of his internship.

Kerry put the notebook back on the cushion, then got up and
headed upstairs to bed. Even though she was tired from work
and from reading, she had a suspicion that sleep would be a
long time coming. She knew that she would be thinking about
John and Dennis Gant.


Down in the basement, John was frantically searching for Dennis'
journal. He remembered taking it out of the drawer yesterday,
then going upstairs with it, determined to finally read it. Did
he bring it back downstairs with him? He really couldn't remember.
What if he had left it upstairs? He rushed upstairs, relieved to
discover that Kerry had come home, but had obviously gone to bed.
He spotted the journal on the couch and he snatched it up, tightly
holding it against his body. No one else had seen it, or read
what Dennis had thought. He carried it back downstairs and put
it back in his bottom drawer. Maybe next year he would have
enough courage to read Dennis' thoughts and hopes and dreams.
Maybe.


The End